It's unbelievable how time has flown... it's been a whole year since I posted the first chapter of "Discoveries". Whether you've been following right from the start or whether you found this story later, thank you for reading and your support !
While there still is a lot to come, it won't take another year until it's finished.
To jenners411: Thanks for choosing this story for your first review. I wanted to write you a pm, but couldn't.
Chapter 52
Tobias
I'm a coward.
That's what keeps running through my mind. Right now, Tris is debating with two other Divergents which strategies to use during an attack, and I'm too afraid to go over to her apartment. And that's although I know one of those other two is Uriah. He came to see me earlier, asking for my opinion. I was shocked Tris had already told him about herself, but then she had figured out his Divergence, too.
I think I could trust Uriah. He's smarter than he seems, and kind — much kinder than I am, actually.
My problem is the other person. I don't like giving this away to someone without knowing who it is. It must be someone from our group, as it wouldn't be possible to discuss the attack with someone who's not. Who can it be?
I sort out Caleb and Cara. They wouldn't be able to get into Dauntless without help, and Tris said she didn't know if anyone would come at all.
Will and Christina? I've seen their sims, I can say for sure it's not them.
Lynn or Marlene? They only heard about the Allegiant today, so there was little time for Tris to talk to them. Uriah also said he'd spent the whole morning with Marlene, and that he wanted to go back to check on her right after we talked. I know from Zeke that Shauna wanted to spend the afternoon with her sister and have a good time with her before actually telling her about the conspiracy. It's very unlikely that it's one of them.
Lauren? She'd know if it was one of the initiates, she ran all the Dauntless born's simulations. Being an instructor, she's impersonating everything Dauntless stands for — or used to stand for. We share our dislike for where our faction is heading.
Zeke or Shauna? They are my oldest friends. Wouldn't I know? But then, they don't know about me either.
What am I missing? I can narrow it down to three people, but I must do better.
I try to picture which other aptitude each of them could have besides Dauntless, but it doesn't help. None of them would be able to guess my aptitude for Abnegation, so how am I supposed to know what side of their personality they are hiding?
Next, I try to find hints in everyone's behavior that might give me a clue, but when I think about it more closely, all of them show different character traits beside the typical Dauntless attitude.
My mind goes wandering to Tris, and I wish I could have as much trust in others as she has. But then, she has never been hurt by someone the way I have been hurt by Evelyn and all the people covering the lie that allowed her to leave my life.
Do I trust Tris' judgment? Whom would she tell that she's Divergent, and who would have told her?
And that's the idea that makes me suddenly realize who it must be: Lauren.
"Do you trust Tris to decide if I'm reliable enough to tell me the truth about what is going on? You all trust her, right? I'll go and have a little chat with her, and then she can give you her opinion," Lauren says to us after surprising us in Zeke's apartment.
Everyone agrees, and I feel like I'm not really given a choice.
"See you in a minute," Tris says as she gets up and follows Lauren into Zeke and Shauna's bedroom.
Silence sets over us until we start to murmur about what it could be that they are talking about behind closed doors.
All eyes turn to Tris as she and Lauren come back into the living room soon.
"I trust Lauren," Tris simply states.
I kept asking myself what it was that Lauren told Tris to convince her of being worth trusting, especially because their conversation took only a few minutes. I never asked her, though. She wouldn't have told me, I suppose.
Probably Lauren already knew about Tris after seeing her simulation? That would explain why she was willing to tell Tris about her Divergence, but not the whole Allegiant.
Now that I've come to this conclusion, I can finally see it as I remember some of our interactions lately.
"Lauren, good morning," I say as I take the seat opposite her in the cafeteria, carefully putting down the tray with my breakfast on the table.
She looks up, smiling. Unlike me, she's a morning person. Really, perhaps she's an anytime person, because no matter what time of the day, she's almost always in a good mood. There's not much that can take it away from her. I can't help smiling back, although I don't feel much like it.
She seems to catch that my smile doesn't reach my eyes.
"Hey, what's wrong? You look, I don't know, kind of exhausted. Bad dreams?"
Well, I didn't think it was that obvious. Or maybe we have already spent so much time together both at work and during our free time that she knows me quite well despite my reservedness. I decide to use her assumption to get straight to the point, now that she's brought it up herself.
"Yes, it was very... explicit." I lower my voice so nobody but Lauren can hear me. "You know, with watching the initiate's fears all the time, my own seem to come back more often recently in my dreams."
"Oh, and I thought it was just me. I'm so glad when this is over next week, I can't stand it any longer. They have horrible fears, some of them, involving all kinds of dark scenarios. It gives me the creeps just from watching it."
I raise my eyebrows. Lauren, the good-natured Lauren, haunted by the initiate's fears at night?
"What, you can't be that surprised," she says. "When you spend half your waking hours confronted with fear simulations, it's kind of unavoidable that your mind replays them in your sleep. It's basic psychology."
"Well, I just thought... You're always so easy-going. I assumed it wouldn't affect you that much."
"Half of it is my lucky ability to shake it off quickly after waking up. The other half is Dauntless attitude. I was born here, I had plenty of time to learn how to appear strong to the people around me."
"Well, I've had an idea that might help them. I thought about using peace serum on our initiates during these last days of initiation. You know, with the fear landscapes coming up and the initiates having to go through more than one fear every day, it might help them to sleep calmer. They'd be able to do much better during their final tests that way, and we won't have to deal with as many nervous breakdowns. Remember last year?"
Lauren holds my gaze, and I wish I knew what's going on behind those green eyes of her. Sometimes she's good at hiding her emotions. Maybe, knowing what she's just told me, she's always good at it.
X
Lauren and I leave Eric's office and walk silently beside each other until we reach the path that leads back down to the pit.
"Okay Lauren, what was going on in there? What is going on between you and Eric?"
"Relax, Four. There are other strategies to get what you want from him apart from your usual competition and attempts at intimidation."
"You're flirting with him on purpose?"
"No need to look so surprised. It's not that I offer him anything more, so stop giving me that look."
I follow her, watching as she pulls her hair back in a high ponytail first before twisting it up. I try to remember when she actually took it down. It must have been between the end of training and our arrival at Eric's office.
"But doesn't he notice that you're flirting with him only to get your will?" I insist.
How come I never noticed that Lauren could be so calculating?
"Of course he knows that. And I know that he knows. And he knows that I know... and so on. But it doesn't matter, his ego is just so big that he can't resist letting some of it get through to him. Well, at least this method has helped me maintain a good relation to him and I can make myself get heard."
So that's how she does it. In fact, it's not more manipulative than my own technique of trying to always give Eric the feeling of being in control and above me in the ranks.
We're both playing with his ego, one way or another.
X
Lauren pushes me backwards against the training room door I just came in through.
"Whoa Lauren, what's gotten into you?"
"I could ask you the very same!" Her voice is angry, accusatory.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Now I'm getting angry, too.
"Tris!" she hisses at me, her eyes gleaming.
Oh, I thought Tris had managed the situation with Lauren. At least that's what she believed.
"What about her?" I play for time, needing more information on what Lauren knows or suspects.
"Oh come on, Four, don't play dumb. I've seen the girl's simulation. She tried to talk her way out of it, but she obviously believes you'll make her fail initiation if she doesn't sleep with you. That's disgusting!"
What? That's Lauren's impression of Tris' sim? It's ridiculous! I can't stop myself from laughing out before I turn serious again.
"Lauren, you know me, do you really think I'd do that to one of my initiates? You can't seriously think that I'm blackmailing Tris to have sex with me!"
"Then tell me where this fear comes from! It must be there for a reason, it's not just like any other simulation, and you're not in it randomly. Because if you were, what reason would you have to lie about it in your files?"
X
When I arrive at the fear simulation room, Lauren is about to inject Uriah with serum.
"Wait!" I call out to her, and she raises her eyebrows at me first in surprise and then in respect.
"It was about time you came here. I talked Eric into letting the Dauntless initiates go first, but they'll be done soon. Do you have a plan?"
"Do I need one?"
"It might be necessary."
Uriah looks at us curiously, trying to figure out what's going on.
"Can you buy us a little more time? I'll be back soon," I ask Lauren, ignoring Uriah. We have to hurry.
"Yeah, I can. I have an idea. Come in and tell Eric you want to oversee your group's landscapes, so you can have a private word outside with each initiate. You can leave as soon as he knows you want to do that."
"Okay, if you think that's how it works best with Eric."
I've seen her manipulate him before.
Can I fully trust Lauren?
Now that I look back, she kept all her promises to not blab about Tris and me, and she always had Tris' best interests at heart. She was willing to fight with me when she thought she needed protection.
I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, as if I could find out if I can trust myself and my instincts by looking into my own eyes. Maybe it's not even a choice anymore. Maybe it's another thing I'll just have to do to keep us safe. I must think of the reasons why Tris wants us to meet and know each other.
It's not easy to walk over to her apartment, although I walked there so many times before. I refrain from using her key. It might startle them. Instead, I knock and wait.
Tris opens the door and lets me in, and I immediately see that I was right: Uriah and Lauren both stare at me from where they're sitting on the couch.
"Four?" Uriah asks, speaking more to himself than to me.
"Uhm, yes." I scratch the back of my neck as they continue to stare at me. This is uncomfortable.
"I never knew..." Uriah's voice trails off. He shakes his head. "I mean, that's why you were able to help me so well."
"Partly because of that, yes."
Tris looks back and forth between us. Then she laces her fingers with mine and stands on tiptoes to whisper into my ear, "Thank you so much for coming over."
She kisses my cheek and walks over to the sofa with me. There's not enough room for me to join them on the couch, though, so I get myself a chair. The ongoing silence is strange. Tris must notice it, too, as she clears her throat and tries to get the conversation going again.
"So, now that it's all four of us, we can continue brainstorming. Should there be a simulation that takes everyone's consciousness away, they have to rely on us to do something about it. We'll most likely be the only ones able to stop it, and we have to work as a team."
We all agree, but it still takes some time into this meeting until the tension eases.
Lauren went to see Caleb today, which surprises me. Tris reassures me that she wanted to tell me about it, but then Eric got in her way. I wish she would have found a moment to tell me despite it.
Caleb was surprised to hear about Tris' observations, and he jumped into consulting data and confirmed his findings by debating with Cara. Apparently, it makes sense that the vaccination has different side effects on different people. Caleb assumed it would make the majority of people tired, as their immune system had to deal with the 'attack' of foreign substances.
At the same time, as Divergents are already immune, they wouldn't get tired, because our bodies wouldn't feel as threatened by the vaccine and not respond to it as fast and strong. Therefore, the vaccine would remain active in our blood for longer, and that would cause its agents to mix and react with the serum Eric and his co-conspirators injected us with.
In the end, Caleb and Cara both suppose that it's a good sign, as it increases the chance that their creation works to protect us from the simulation serum. They based that conclusion on the rule 'No effects without side effects'. I've never heard of that saying until today, but then I'm not Erudite.
I remain uneasy knowing that the mix of those serums affected each of us despite our Divergence. Shouldn't our minds be able to ignore them?
I can't dwell on that thought now, as we try to agree upon a meeting point within our compound, should the rest of our faction go under simulation. It has to be a place without cameras. We finally decide on Uriah's apartment, as it's central and would give us privacy to talk.
I hope we'll never need to meet there.
XXX
After Lauren and Uriah have left, Tris and I get ready for bed. We're both exhausted from the long day, and all I'm looking forward to now is pulling her close to my side and kissing her.
She climbs into bed after me, shifting close. After listening to my heartbeat for a while, she lifts her head from my chest and kisses me cautiously. Her lips on mine are a relief.
"Are we okay?" Tris whispers.
"Yeah, we're okay," I assure her.
I know why she asks. The day wasn't easy. We both need reassurance.
She kisses me again, more confident now. It still remains only a kiss. She doesn't initiate anything that would lead us further, and neither do I. I can't have sex with her when there's still so much on my mind, and same probably goes for her.
I wonder if I should bring up what I talked about with Zeke and Shauna. It's not the ideal time, but I wonder if there'll ever be the perfect moment to address this. I mentally scold myself for searching excuses to postpone the topic. It shouldn't be so difficult. Then why does it make me so nervous?
"What is it?"
Of course: Tris noticed my mind wandering off during our kiss. I can't really see her in the darkness. Maybe that's a good thing.
"I'd like to talk to you. — About sex."
Her intake of breath is audible in the dark.
I clear my throat and try to specify it a little. "About what we like... and want. Just so we can have good sex."
When she doesn't respond for what feels like too long I murmur, "Tris?"
"Go on," she replies, but she can't mask that she's somehow upset, or hurt. I can't place it.
"Does it make you uncomfortable? Well, I promise you, you're not the only one," I try to ease the mood.
"Just say what you wanted to say," she whispers.
"Tris," I say and gently squeeze her hip, "please talk to me. Apparently I've upset you with this topic, and I'm a little helpless here. Did I say anything wrong?"
The seconds tick away into the night until she speaks.
"You say you want us to have good sex," she murmurs, then pauses. "I just... I thought we already had that. At least for me it was good."
It takes me a moment to process her words and realize what she read out of my mine. I take her face in my hands and am shocked by the wet trail a single tear has left behind on her right cheek.
"Listen, I clearly didn't mean it like that. Shit, Tris, the sex with you felt amazing! I already told you that. What I meant is that I want to make you feel the same way that you make me feel."
I hope my explanation can mend the hurt I caused with that half-sentence.
"And I already told you that it was good for me because I wanted to be close to you. I don't need to... come for it to be good sex."
I'm glad we're back in the conversation. We keep talking quietly while my hand strokes over her back.
"I know that you said that, it's just that I would like to give you this amazing feeling."
"Can't you give us some time? It is more difficult for me to get there than it is for you. It's not the only thing that makes it good sex."
"Of course it's not the only thing. But I feel selfish when I get to that point and you don't," I admit. I need her to understand how deeply I want to give her an orgasm.
"Oh Tobias, no. It's not selfish. You asked me if you could... uhm... go on yesterday, and I didn't want you to do that because I didn't need it at that moment. That doesn't mean I don't want to experience that with you. — If we switched on the lights now, you could already see me blush like mad just talking about it."
She adds the last sentence accompanied by a soft chuckle, and it's nothing but cute.
"I bet your blush will get worse while we keep talking about this," I tease her, just a bit, as I kiss her neck and make her laugh.
"As if you're not blushing!" Tris deadpans, nudging my side. "Go ahead, tell me some of your secret desires, and then we'll switch on the lights just to check the color of your face."
"Is that a dare?"
"Maybe."
"As a Dauntless, I can't back out, I guess."
"Only if you're a very coward Dauntless."
"Okay." I turn more serious again. "I'm glad we can joke about this a little. It does make it easier. But you can't back out either!"
"Agreed."
I sigh. "So, I want to make you come. I want to feel what it's like. — I'd also like to kiss you. Intimately. Would you allow me to try that?"
Tris
Wow, he's being straightforward now. He must have given it much thought.
"If you really want it, I think yes."
"I'm sure I want it. But I want you to want me to do it, too."
I swallow. I picture him sinking his head down between my open legs to kiss me. Warmth pools in my stomach, giving me my answer.
"I want you to do that, too."
Tobias kisses me, and I grin: He's probably speechless.
"Would you like if I kiss you like that, too?"
I know the other girls refer to it as 'blow job', but for some reason I can't use that expression. It sounds too blunt for something so intimate. Besides, I already feel brave for talking about it at all.
"Honestly? I imagine that would be heavenly."
We're quiet for a moment, and I feel a rush of power as I imagine kissing down over Tobias' stomach until I reach his shaft and close my lips around it while he pushes his head into the pillow and groans my name with that sexy throatiness that makes my crazy.
"I wouldn't expect you to return that to me immediately."
He misinterpreted my silence.
"I just imagined us doing that. It's something I'd like to try."
"Is it just me or is it getting warmer in here?" Tobias asks and shoves the blanket further down.
"Your hands just got sweaty," I say.
"That's because I wasn't lying when I said that your lips around me would feel like heaven on earth."
I can't fight the grin that spreads across my face. I love it when I make him nervous.
"Something else?" I ask, pushed forward by how intimate it feels when he tells me about his sexual fantasies. I didn't expect it to be so, well, arousing.
Instead of answering me, Tobias turns me around and spoons me from behind. It's how we often fall asleep. He nibbles on my ear and whispers, as if it was a secret only I am allowed to know — which it actually is — , "I'd love to try this position. Either like this, or me above you."
I lean back into his chest and turn my head around enough to kiss him.
"That a yes?"
"Yes."
I remember his erection pressing against my back in the shower, and while it wasn't the right moment for sex that night, the contact still sent a rush of heat through me.
"So," he interrupts my memory, "tell me one of your fantasies. I'm sure you have some, too."
His kissing and nibbling on my ear and neck make it hard to concentrate on what to say. Yes, I do have fantasies. I just think they are less specific than his. We do all kinds of things in there, but what connects them all is how I picture us in them. I am a more confident and slightly curvier version of me. I don't doubt myself, I don't get self-conscious when Tobias looks at me. I am relaxed and I miraculously know how to move my body.
"If you stop kissing me for a moment, I'll tell you. But this is distracting," I sigh.
"Are you complaining about my kisses?" Tobias breathes against my skin.
"You can keep kissing me as long as you want, but then you won't get to know what I'm thinking of when I think of you."
"Go ahead," he mumbles, pulling back a little. I take the opportunity to turn back around towards him.
"This is less specific than what you said, but I imagine us less guarded. I know that will most likely take some time in reality, but when I think of how I want it to be, like a fantasy, we are both less careful. I know you were still holding back those times you slept with me, and that was fine. It was our first experiences having sex. But now, I can't imagine anything more arousing than us letting ourselves being taken away by what we feel. We had those moments before we had our first time, too. I think it would help me let go."
"Just to know if I understand this correctly: You mean you want me to be less gentle with you?"
"Not in general. It's complicated to explain. Well, I needed you to be gentle the first time, for all the obvious reasons. We were going slow. But whenever you touch me a little stronger, or you move a little faster, it makes me stop thinking and instead, I just feel."
"I'm afraid I might hurt you."
"You don't. You never did. I'm not that fragile."
"I didn't hurt you when I grabbed your waist yesterday?"
I immediately remember the passionate moment he's referring to and smile.
"No. That was hot."
"I wasn't sure if I squeezed too hard."
"You didn't. I promise to tell you if anything is too much. But don't be afraid of hurting me. I enjoy it when you are that passionate — when we both are."
"I think I like this fantasy you have," Tobias smiles.
"We can start living it tomorrow when we come back from Candor," I sigh. "I'm so scared of going there. There's so much at stake, what if we do or say anything wrong? What else can we do if Jack doesn't believe us?"
I need to talk about this with Tobias, it'll calm me down and help me find sleep.
"I really don't know why he shouldn't. We have so much evidence on our side, and when we testify under truth serum, he must believe us."
"Doesn't that worry you at all?"
"It does, but I've been working very hard to convince myself that there's nothing to worry about with Candor, so that now I almost believe it."
DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.