Question: did somebody actually share this story last month? There was some kind of spike in viewers. I'm so happy people are still reading this! This chapter is very short, and I thought about leaving it out, but I kind of liked it, so here it is! Love love!
Chapter 25: worry
Kagome laid in the dark room, the large bed all to herself. She couldn't sleep, worried about Sesshomaru's 'job.' Experience with him as a former enemy told her she probably didn't need to worry about his safety, and yet she did. With little else to do, she simply waited, thinking over all that had happened. When he'd found her in the shower, she'd been shy, but only for a moment. He'd run his hands over her so softly, bringing back the mystery tingle that she felt each time his skin swept over hers. His touch, hotter it seemed than the steaming water, had been so tender, it was almost loving.
Almost. She knew what love felt like, and while it may have been a kind of affection she felt with him, it was still a far cry from the love she remembered. She couldn't deny she truly cared about Sesshomaru, but whatever this thing between them was giving her, it could never truly fulfill her need for the real thing. Once again she was consumed with guilt, knowing Inuyasha was out there somewhere, waiting for her, while she was here, waiting for his brother. Disgusting, she thought, fisting her hands in the sheets. She hated herself for everything. She wished, as she'd done for every night in the past year, that she would simply fall asleep and not wake up until they were together again.
There had been times, the worst nights, when she considered making it so, and meeting him in the next life. She never did anything to harm herself but… The thought of being done with it all was so comforting back then. Now she at least had hope. It made her feel greedy that it wasn't enough. She knew herself well enough to realize that she couldn't will herself back into her own lonely bed with any real permanence. It wouldn't work, because now she knew what he felt like, and he felt almost perfect. Almost.
She'd done her best not to compare the two, but who could blame her? They were her only two points of reference, and so very different. The greatest difference was her own place in the equation. With Inuyasha, their joining had felt like two halves of the same whole. She was his equal in every way. They were two people who needed each other, giving everything they had freely, an exchange of love and trust. With Sesshomaru, the power balance was all off. Kagome was all too aware of the fact that she was the one always pleading for something only he had. It made her feel exactly like what he told her she was, a weak human. Even so, she never expected someone like him to be such a generous lover. He seemed to get off on making her climax, and taking away all of her control. Not that he would make her so anything she didn't want to do, but rather, make her want things she shouldn't want. Beg for things she shouldn't want. She wished he hadn't gone. She wished she'd gone home like he'd advised, or better yet, with him, but she hadn't even asked. The best thing about Sesshomaru was that she never had to think about it when he was around. She simply did what felt natural, and let him boss her around for all the rest. He was easy. Being alone… this was hard.
She turned her head to look at the shaded corner of the room where he'd stood, redressing to leave. Her heart nearly stopped when he'd opened the narrow wardrobe door and pulled out a gun. 'You didn't think I still used a sword, did you?' He'd said dryly. Maybe she had. Maybe she simply didn't think he'd needed a weapon at all.
She slipped out of the sheets and moved to the wardrobe, opening it carefully. She stared at the contents. The tools of an assassin, neatly lining every inch of space. Guns, mostly, with a few knives. He'd taken a few weapons with him, their empty spaces standing out. She didn't dare touch anything inside, slowly closing the door again and resting her forehead against it. A thought crossed her mind, the weapons giving her an idea of how to kill this loneliness. She walked slowly through the dark and silent house to the study, finding the wall that held the swords he'd shown her before. Carefully she reached up, pulling Tessaiga down and feeling the strange pulse of power as it greeted her again. It brought a smile to her lips that it seemed to recognize her. She remembered their first meeting. Sesshomaru had tried to kill her that day when she'd pulled it free. Tessaiga saved her, creating a protective barrier to block the poison of his claws. It was also the first time Inuyasha had vowed to protect her. She shook off the memory, returning to the bed and laying the sheathed sword over her shoulder, as she'd seen Inuyasha do a thousand times.
She held it close for what seemed like hours, trying to sleep and failing. It was nothing new, so she didn't mind. Waiting and thinking was a perfectly normal way to pass the night. She turned over to check the clock on the end table and realized she'd been correct. It was nearly four in the morning, making her sigh in annoyance. She wondered how long she would have before Sesshomaru would arrive, and how mad he would be to see she hadn't slept at all.