.

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"Burn out the day

Burn out the night

I can't see no reason to put up a fight

I'm living for giving the devil his due

And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you"

- Blue Oyster Cult, "Burnin' for You"

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Ignite

Chapter 9: Burn

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He went home on foot. Not because he wanted to avoid the train at all costs, but because he just felt an unexplainable urge to run. Hearing his heart pulsing in his ears, feeling his blood rushing through his veins, made it harder to concentrate on anything else. It made it easier to ignore the weight on his chest and the guilty pull on his heart.

When he finally arrived home he locked the front door behind him. Gradually, his breathing slowed, but the pressure on his chest only seemed to increase. The stillness in his home was stifling, despite the familiarity of the environment. The small room that he once felt was cozy was suddenly making him feel caged in. As he stared around the cluttered room, gazing at the various memories he had pinned haphazardly to the walls and collecting dust on the floor, he felt a crippling surge of longing.

This place wasn't home, not without Happy. Not without his comrades. He ached to see them, to be comforted, but he held himself back. He wasn't ready to face them.

Over the next few days, they all tried to get him to open up his door. Erza threatened to tear it down if he didn't get his act together by the end of the week – a testament to how shaken up she really was. Normally she wouldn't have even give him two seconds to give into her demands. Gray had banged his fists against the wood and proceeded to tell him what an idiot the fire breather was being, and that holing himself up in his house wasn't doing any one any good. Again, the threat was made to break down his door if the didn't "get his shit together." Even Lisanna and Mira had come by at one point.

Lucy visited the most.

Happy hadn't come at all.

She would just sit and lean against the door, and Natsu (even in all his self loathing) couldn't stop himself from mimicking her on the other side of the thick slab of wood. Her scent would seep through the cracks around the doorjamb, and he let it wash over his senses. She hadn't been wearing her perfume. Looking back, Natsu realized that she had worn it less and less ever since that day he had told her she smelled like honey and cinnamon. Most of the time she would talk to him, sometimes she wouldn't. Both were fine with him because even though he had told them all to leave him alone, he still liked her visits the most.

She didn't demand anything from him. Erza wanted action, and Gray wanted him to just talk already, but Lucy didn't ask for anything. She didn't even push. She would just sit there on the front step of his home and have one sided conversations. Mostly she talked about the world outside the prison he had made for himself. Two days ago she had noticed Levy blushing whenever her eyes strayed over to a certain iron dragon slayer in his lonely corner. Maybe there was something there between them? This morning someone had decided to prank Cana by hiding her favorite barrels of wine. She had torn the whole place up looking for it and left several unconscious bodies in her wake. Wasn't that funny?

Then, towards the end of her visit, her casual, optimistic ramblings would fade and her voice would lower. Happy was staying with her. He was still hurt but he missed him just as much as she did. Lucy was worried about him because he didn't smile as much and he only really picked at his fish. She was worried about him too – she wasn't sure what exactly happened, but she knew that he was hurting perhaps more than any of them. He must be…because he was her best friend, and she knew that he would never lock himself up like this otherwise. She wished that he would talk to someone, even if it wasn't her. There was a guild full of wizards that would help him in a heartbeat. If there was someone that could help him all he had to do was ask. She would bring them for him. She missed him. She missed him a lot. Everyone did.

Sometimes he could smell her tears as she walked away.

When he did he was tempted to call out to her. He missed her too. He missed everyone. He hated being alone and away from them. The words always stuck in his throat though. How could he even begin to put what he was feeling into words (that form of expression that he has never quite mastered) and explain to any of them that he felt so utterly ashamed.

He should have killed this thing inside of him when it was first born from Lucy's hands. Instead, he had nurtured that little ember, coddled it even, and now it was this uncontrollable wildfire that was devouring everything around him. He had completely lost control. Obviously. How else could boning Lucy have become more important than his friendships – his family?

His Igneel.

That one hurt the most. When had finding his father figure become so unimportant to him? It use to be the driving force in everything he did. He had worked so hard to become strong so that, when the day came, he'd be able to go to the dragon. When he fought, it was Igneel's voice that he heard pushing him forward to greatness, and it was his voice that reminded him to be true to his dragon's heart. Now, even in battle, he heard less of the ancient dragon's encouragement and more of Lucy's faith. She counted on him – she believed in him.

Natsu felt like he had failed them both.

Maybe even worse, he had failed Happy. The Exceed was completely innocent in all of this, and yet Natsu had managed to hurt him anyway. He hadn't deserved to be screamed at, not like that – not when he was only trying to help. At some point Natsu had lost track of what was important, and instead of becoming a man he had become a monster.

He needed to be alone. He needed to refocus and figure out a way to undo the damage he had done. Even if it meant temporarily leaving Fairy Tail, he had to learn how to extinguish this burning desire he felt or, at the very least, control it. His friendships, his happiness, depended in it.

There was a knock on the door that startled him from his dark thoughts, and for a second Natsu struggled to place the scent. He had become so accustom to Lucy visiting that he never expected anyone else. He figured it out the same moment he heard the muffled voice.

"Come on Natsu. You need to open the door."

Loke.

Why the hell would Lucy have sent him of all people? She had to have known that if he didn't open the door for her then he sure as hell wouldn't for the celestial spirit.

He heard the man sigh on the other side of the door. "Please, Natsu. It's important," he said, and the somber tone of his voice set the dragon slayer on edge. What could possibly have made–

"Lucy's hurt."

What?!

He wrenched the door open with so much force that one of the hinges splintered, sending the wooden slab careening into the wall. He didn't care. Loke was standing there, his hands stuffed in his pockets and the glare off his sunglasses hiding the expression in his eyes. Natsu felt his chest constrict with fear. "What happened?! Where –"

Loke strolled passed him, pushing his glasses up his nose and humming as he appraised Natsu's one room home. "Nice little place you got here. You should take better care of it. Women like men that clean up after themselves you know."

Natsu felt his temper flare. How the hell could he be giving him tips on women when Lucy was hurt! "What's wrong with you?! Answer my questions damn it!"

"What's wrong with me?" Loke's voice took on a dangerous edge, sending the pink haired boy a dark scowl over his shoulder. "I think the real question is what's wrong with you." Natsu opened his mouth, an angry retort burning on his tongue, but the celestial spirit cut him off with a wave of his hand. "Lucy's at home binging on ice cream with Happy. As for what happened? Pretty sure the only one who knows what the hell is going on here is you."

Understanding dawned on him slowly, but when it did Natsu couldn't decide if he was relieved or pissed. He settled on a mixture of the two and leaned bonelessly against the open door frame. "Lucy's not hurt?" He had to ask ... he had to be sure. His heart wouldn't stop pounding until he was.

"Physically? No." Loke sighed, the anger in his face fading into something resentful. "But she's been crying for the past four days. And since you apparently have no intention of fixing whatever the hell it is you broke, I decided to come by and try to beat some sense into you." He nodded towards the teetering door. "Go ahead and close the door, Natsu, because I can assure you that I am not leaving until this is resolved."

Scowling, the dragon slayer looked away and let his eyes focus on nothing in particular. Part of him was itching to just punch the other man in the face and force him out, but a larger part was simply too drained. The confirmation that Lucy had been crying at home felt like a punch to the gut. "This isn't any of your business."

Loke glowered, arms crossing over his chest. "I disagree. It became my business the moment it affected Lucy's happiness."

Natsu winced, but didn't move from the doorway. "Did she send you?" The question came out softly, almost a whisper. He hoped she hadn't. Of all the people that were trying to force answers out of him, she was the only one that seemed to have faith that he would get there in time. It hurt to think that she might not have believed in him after all. What hurt more was that he wouldn't have blamed her.

"No," Loke said, his voice equally low. "She didn't. She wanted to wait until you were ready. I came here on my own power. You're hurting her, Natsu, and I think we both know that's the last thing you want."

Of course it was. Fuck, he'd give up just about anything if it meant sparing her pain. Just the thought of her hurting because of him, because of his mistakes, made him feel sick. Natsu swallowed thickly, a shaky hand reaching up rubbing the back of his neck before meeting Loke's eyes with his own pointed, albeit nervous, gaze. "She can't know."

Loke paused, thoughtful, before conceding with a nod. "I won't tell her anything you're uncomfortable with."

Sighing, Natsu closed the door, kicking the corner until it slammed into place. He didn't turn back around – he didn't think he'd be able to talk about this while watching the judgment flicker across his fellow guild mate's face. "I dreamt about Lucy." His forehead met the door with a dull thud, his face twisting into a grimace that was due more to the nervous rolling of his stomach than pain. "When the dream mage cast that spell. I dreamt about her."

Behind him there was a significant pause. "And this is a bad thing because ...?"

The wood against his forehead started smoking, his words tumbling over themselves in mortified shame. "It wasn't – she – I –" His face flamed, his fists clenching at his sides as he tried to force out that one word that would make his plight perfectly clear. "Sex."

Another moment's pause, this one much shorter than the last. "You're telling me, that this is all because you had a wet dream?" Loke asked incredulously. When Natsu gave a miserable nod, his forehead scraping against the door, the celestial spirit started to chuckle and then quickly escalated into a full blown laugh.

Natsu was torn between absolute, bone melting humiliation and indignant anger. "Damn it, it's not funny!" he growled, tearing his flaming face away from the door to glare menacingly at the man doubled over and gripping the back of his couch for support. "That magic was suppose to make you dream of what you wanted more than anything in the world! Gray and Lucy dreamt of people they lost. I dreamt of, of that." At his snarled confession, the spirit abruptly quieted and Natsu struggled to control the influx of shame and anger that was pulsing through him. At his sides, his clenched fists shook, and he gave Loke an almost desperate look. "What kind of sicko wants sex more than he wants his father back?"

Loke studied him, his eyebrows drawn in concern and a little bit of understanding. "Natsu, listen to me. You're a good person. Don't let any sense of guilt make you believe you're some kind of monster when you're not. Trust me, there is no salvation at the end of that road."

"Then why did I dream of that?" he asked, his voice sounding so hopelessly lost even to his own ears.

The spirit tilted his head, regarding the dragon slayer carefully. "Why don't you tell me exactly what happened in your dream."

Natsu sputtered, red faced. "W-what?! No! Why the hell would I do that, you pervert!"

Loke sighed, his arms crossing over his chest. "Because I have a feeling you might be over exaggerating a bit." He raised a skeptical eyebrow. "I can't see you having a truly erotic dream when you haven't even managed to kiss a girl."

Natsu glared, his fists clenched in frustration at his sides. "She told me to 'unwrap her like a present' wearing nothing but underwear and my vest," he deadpanned, the muscle in his jaw jumping sporadically.

Loke blinked. "Oh." The ginger haired man's cheeks flushed under his shocked stare, adjusting the glasses at the bridge of his nose awkwardly. "Wow. Didn't know you had it in you. I'm ... actually kind of proud ..." A few beats of silence passed. "What else did she say?"

Natsu snarled, his hand reaching back and flinging the door open, words hissing between his teeth. "Get out."

Loke held his hands up in the universal sign of surrender. Except, the fire eater noted grimly, he wasn't really surrendering. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm just trying to help, honest!" He reached up to ruffle the back of his head sheepishly before schooling his features into careful appraisal. "In all seriousness. I'm not asking that you go into graphic detail or anything, but was there anything else she said? Anything that stood out?"

The dragon slayer eyed him warily, searching out any sign of treachery from the older man, but found none. The door was still propped open and, after checking to make sure no one was out front, Natsu closed it. He couldn't believe he was talking about this to Loke of all people. Not only was he a notorious lady's man but he was Lucy's spirit. If word ever got out ... but no, he had promised. Lucy's celestial spirit or not, Loke was good on his word. Still, it didn't make his humiliating situation any less awkward.

"Yeah. She ... said that she wanted me. And," he swallowed thickly, feeling his hands starting to sweat. "And that she wanted kids. My kids."

Surprise flitted over Loke's face momentarily, and then his expression was melting into a soft, amused smile. His hands found their way back into his pant pockets, his stance completely relaxed. "You really are clueless, aren't you?" At Natsu's confused silence, the spirit shook his head. "There's nothing wrong with your dream, Natsu."

The dragon slayer hesitated, unsure. "... there isn't?"

Loke chuckled, eyes gleaming behind his blue lenses. "No. In fact, most men want that with the women they love."

Natsu's brow furrowed. "Love?" What the hell did love have to do with anything? The celestial spirit gave him a pointed look, eyebrows raised, and something in Natsu jolted. "But I don't love Lucy! She's my friend!"

He didn't want to go on dates with her, didn't feel the need to gift her with fancy jewelry, or marry her. He didn't feel an urge to do any of those lame couple activities with her. He just wanted things to go back to how they were – he wanted to laugh with her, wanted to be near her. The only thing that had changed was this burning desire to taste and touch her in ways that were not platonic in nature.

Loke shook his head, his smile never waning. "Yeah you do." He gave his fellow guild member a knowing look. "Probably have for a while now, and you just didn't know it."

Natsu shook his head, a nervousness anticipation thrumming under his skin. "But ... no. I..."

The lion gave him a pitying glance, though it was warm and looked a bit like hope. "I'll let you in on a little secret, Natsu. At the end of the day, when you take off all the bells and whistles, all the cheesy romantic gestures, love is just an incredibly strong friendship." He paused, his grin turning lecherous and the light gleaming off his glasses. "You know, with the added benefit of wanting to screw each other's brains out. Naturally."

Natsu paused, the spirit's words sinking into his brain and his heart thudding heavily in his chest, because ... because ...

Fuck.

Maybe he was in love with Lucy after all.

AN: Again, big thanks to Madartiste for being beta! As always, she caught all my little errors and gave such wonderful suggestions! And thanks to everyone who gave feedback for the last chapter! I got such a wonderful response, and I really appreciate it! I hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much (if not more)!

Next chapter will be the last in Natsu's perspective and then we will be moving on to Lucy's POV (and yes, that means you will find out about the bracelet). I know some of you have expressed that you wish the whole thing was in Natsu's POV … but I hope you'll trust me when I say that Lucy's perspective is needed. If everything plays out the way I want, you'll know what's going through Natsu's head the entire time anyway because you'll have spent ten chapters in that adorable little mind of his.

For those of you that are also following my other Nalu chapter fic, To the Flame, it's going to be a good week for you! Hoping to get it out before the end of the week. :)