.
.
I don't have many and I don't have much
In fact I don't have any but I got enough
Cause I know those eyes and I know that touch
I don't have many and I don't have much
but oh darling my heart's on fire
Oh darling my heart's on fire
Oh darling my heart's on fire
For you
-Passanger, "My Heart's On Fire"
(:)(A)(:)
Ignite
Chapter 10: Smolder
(:)(A)(:)
Natsu wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, staring at her door. It could have been minutes or hours, and he wouldn't be able to tell the difference. His palms were sweating, his mouth felt like it was stuffed with rancid cotton, and his stomach seemed to be confusing Lucy's building for some kind of transportation (yeah, the nausea was that bad). He loosened the scarf around his neck, taking a deep, albeit shaky, breath to calm his nerves. It was just Lucy – his best friend, his partner, and (apparently) the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Knocking on her door shouldn't be a big deal.
Except it was.
Mavis, it felt like everything and nothing had changed. He loved Lucy. Love. Love, love, love – the word still jarred him, but he couldn't bring himself to pretend that it wasn't true She was the same brave girl that left everything behind for the sake of an adventure, the same mage that he fought beside, the same blonde that smiled even when he had done or said something stupid. Lucy hadn't changed, he had. Somehow, while he wasn't paying attention, he had fallen completely head over heels in love with his partner. He felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. After Loke left with that knowing smirk on his lips, Natsu had spent the better part of the morning mulling over the spirit's words.
It was kinda funny, how one little (huge) truth could change everything around. Natsu felt like he woke up to find himself walking on the ceiling while the ground took a turn at playing the sky. Now that he understood that what he was feeling for the blonde was more (so, so much more) than just lust, he saw things that he hadn't noticed before. Things he had ignored because he had been so damn focused on the guilt he felt that he blinded himself to everything else.
Yes, he wanted Lucy (apparently that was a side effect of this whole love business) but it was more than that. He wanted her so much it physically ached at times. When he had woken from the dream that mage had casted, when love to him had only been a word, he had thought the way she straddled his hips and ran her hands down his chest was due to his own sick hormones. Maybe part of it was, but he was convinced that most of it wasn't.
It had been Lucy who hovered over him. Lucy who offered herself like some sort of lace wrapped present that only he could open. Lucy who begged for more and pushed him to the brink. In the dream it was Lucy who took control, and it was her that tried to pull reactions from him.
In the dream she had wanted him as much as he wanted her.
Not just with sex, but with everything. He wanted that intimacy with her, wanted to claim her has his and never let her go. He wanted her as his friend, as his partner. He wanted to be with her everyday and wake up to her every morning. When he thought of the future she was always there beside him - always together. He wanted her to want that with him too, and in the dream she had fulfilled that secret wish (one he hadn't even known he made) by asking to be his.
Somehow he knew that if he had let himself continue dreaming they would have held each other closely and smiled giddily in the aftermath. If he had let himself become immersed by it it, embraced it as reality, then her stomach would have swelled and a third heartbeat would have developed between them. He knew it in his heart, because now that he wasn't ignoring it he understood that he wanted that with her. He hadn't realized it until her dream self had suggestively placed his callused hand on her smooth stomach, but he wanted it quite badly. Funny thing was, in the dream she had asked him how many he wanted and, in hindsight, it was sort of a trick question. Natsu wanted as many as she did, however many would make her happy. He'd give her as many or as little as she wanted, because he would take whatever number she was willing to give him.
As long as it was him and her, Natsu and Lucy, then he didn't really mind any of the rest.
He swallowed thickly. In order for any of that to even have a chance of happening, he needed to repair the damage he had caused. Loke wasn't lying when he said she'd been crying ... he could smell the saltiness of her tears even through the door. It made his heart ache and his limbs feel heavy with guilt. Their friendship came first – it would always come first – because he needed her in his life. Even if it wasn't the way he longed for. After he had repaired their friendship, reestablished the trust between them, then maybe he could start hoping for more. Until then, well, at this point he didn't really feel like he even deserved a shot for anything more than her friendship.
Besides, he wasn't going to fool himself. He knew that with the way things were now he didn't even stand a chance with her. Not really. She didn't like him like that, but perhaps if he showed her that he could be that 'boyfriend material' that her and Levy were always blabbing on about? If he made an effort to be a bit more considerate, make her see that he wasn't as hopeless as she thought he was? Maybe then –
His thoughts were interrupted as the door swung open, and his breath caught in his throat. Lucy stood there, staring at him with wide, red rimmed eyes and her mouth parted in surprise. She was a mess, her unwashed hair hastily thrown up into a ponytail and her clothes wrinkled as if she had left them in the hamper instead of meticulously folding them like she was prone to do. Normally she wouldn't be caught dead going out of her apartment in such a state, and Natsu realized with a sudden pain that she was probably only leaving to go see him. "Luce –"
She slapped him; her hand moving quicker than his thoughts as it connected painfully with his cheek. His skin stung bitterly, but the pain in his chest overrode it. He barely had time to process what had happened, how he felt about it, before she threw herself in his arms and buried her face in his neck with a wet sob.
"Don't you ever do that again, Natsu. Do you hear me?" she cried, her arms tightening around his torso. "Don't you ever shut us out like that again!"
Slowly, as if he was afraid of breaking her, he wrapped his arms around her. One of his hands cradled the back of her head softly as he buried his nose into her hair. "I won't," he whispered, feeling his chest grow heavier with every tear that slid down his neck. "I won't, I promise. I never meant –" he couldn't finish the words, guilt lodged itself in his throat and made it hard for him to breath let alone speak. He had never meant to hurt her, had never meant to make her cry. His hold on her tightened and he swore to himself that he'd never make her cry again. "I'm so sorry, Luce."
She sniffed miserably. "You should be!" She pulled away just enough to wipe her cheeks with the heel of her hand while still remaining in his arms. Natsu withheld the urge to kiss the swollen lids of her eyes. She gave him a watery glare that somehow managed to look more vulnerable than threatening. "We've all been so worried about you!" New tears quickly replaced the ones she had only just erased, and she wiped at them bitterly. "When you wouldn't open the door ..." She trailed off, but the way her face crumpled made her words unnecessary anyway.
It had hurt. He had hurt her.
Gently, he released her from his hold, his hands carefully caressing her cheeks and his thumbs wiping away at the liquid under her eyes. "It won't ever happen again," he murmured, meeting her gaze. "I swear. I just got –" he swallowed, not sure if he wanted to admit to her that the dream had terrified him. "I won't shut you out again, Luce. I promise." He was done running away from her, away from his feelings for her. He understood now, and that made all the difference.
For a long moment she stared at him, as if testing the truth of his words (and damn it the fact that she harbored any doubts about him at all made his heart clench). Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, she nodded with a sniff. "Ok," she whispered, "ok." She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her cheek against his chest – just above his heart. "I missed you."
Mavis, she had no idea how those three little words suffocated him with guilt even while flooding his heart with hope. His hold on her tightened. "I missed you too." More than anyone. He had missed her scent, missed her smiles. He missed everything about her, and now that he had her in his arms he wasn't sure he would ever want to let her go again. For probably the hundredth time, Natsu wondered how he could have been so blind to his feelings for her.
For a moment they just stood there, arms wrapped around each other in the doorway, until her tentative voice murmured against him. "Natsu?"
"Yeah," he breathed, discreetly burying his nose in her hair. She still smelled like honey, cinnamon, and other – perhaps even more strongly since she hadn't showered that morning. The strawberry shampoo she had been using the past month or so was barely distinguishable. He was pretty sure he could drown in that scent and die happy.
"What happened?" His body tensed at the question, and Lucy held him tighter – as if she was afraid he would leave. Like he could ever leave her again. "I'm sorry," she apologized softly. "I shouldn't pry. It's just –"
"It's ok," he said, cutting her off before she could work herself up. "It's not that I don't want you to know or anything." In fact it was the exact opposite. He wanted nothing more than to declare his love for her. Shit, if he knew it would make her happy he'd probably shout it from the roof tops like some lovestruck idiot. He only hesitated because he didn't know how she would feel about it. Would she feel awkward around him once she found out how his ideal future included her being swollen with their child? Would she even be able to look him in the eye if she discovered that too much of his time revolved around imagining how soft her skin was, how sweet she would taste? Somehow he knew that telling her now would be a disaster, and he wasn't willing to risk it. He wasn't willing to risk her. "I'm ... just not ready to talk about it." Not yet, not when he knew that doing so would mean losing her. Maybe when the wounds he created weren't so fresh, when he got some sign that the idea of them together wasn't something that would make her uncomfortable.
She looked up at him, lashes clumped together wetly. "I understand," she said, voice soft but sincere. "You'll tell me someday though, right?"
There was a small hope lighting her eyes, one he couldn't possibly deny even if he wanted to. "Yeah," he breathed, "I promise." Someday he would tell her everything.
She nodded, a soft smile tugging at her mouth. "You're making a lot of promises today."
There was something under the teasing lilt of her voice, a question that she wasn't willing to put into words. Natsu was never good at reading subtle clues, but with Lucy it was different now. Maybe it was because he loved her, or maybe it was because his instincts were jittery and on edge, but for once he understood. His brow creased as his eyes trailed over her wet lashes. "I have a lot to make up for." A lot of wrongs to fix, relationships to repair.
The one he shared with a certain blue haired Exceed included.
When he summoned up enough willpower to pull his focus away from Lucy's scent he could easily pick out the smell of his feline friend lingering on her skin. A quick whiff towards the open doorway confirmed that the Exceed was still in her apartment – no doubt eavesdropping.
Lucy followed his vision before sighing sadly and looking up at him. "Yeah, I guess you do," she murmured, not unkindly. She had been with Happy this entire time. If anyone understood that he had more amends to make then it was her.
The rancid taste in his mouth returned without mercy, and for a moment he struggled just to swallow it down. "Hey, Luce?" he said, trying not to wince at how his voice croaked. "Could you give me and Happy a minute?" He hated to ask – asking meant letting her go and all he wanted was to hold onto her for as long as she'd let him, but he needed to make things right with Happy. He owed him that much at the very least.
She nodded slowly, her eyes warming. For a moment, if he ignored the crumbled clothes and greasy hair, she almost looked like herself again. His heart thudded in his chest, and he was thankful that she was no longer resting her cheek there – even with her weaker hearing he was sure she'd be able to hear it. Except there was still the smallest of tears clinging to the corner of her eye, and it threw everything off. Gentler than he ever thought possible, he swiped the tear under her eye away with a calloused knuckle. "Yeah, I think we're out of fish anyway. I'll just make a quick run to the store," she muttered, not really sounding all that concerned about it. Reaching up and squeezing his hand, she gave him an almost timid smile that immediately made the guilt stir in his gut. "You'll be here when I get back, right?"
He smiled, but he knew it was only half of what it usually was. He hated that she felt like she had to ask. "Yeah, Luce. I'll be waiting for ya."
Satisfied, she gave a jerky nod before untangling their upper bodies and leaving her apartment. She only gave one last hesitant look back before she closed the door. Natsu tried to ease her doubts with a smile which she returned without hesitation. When the door clicked shut he released a long sigh, running a nervous hand through his hair as he turned back to look into the quiet apartment. Lucy's living room was devoid of life, which only meant that the cat was in her bedroom. Probably sitting on that comfortable bed that both of them loved so much.
When he entered the room, Happy was sitting on the bed alright, his back to the door and the twitching of his tail and ears the only sign that he was aware of the dragon slayers presence. After a few more seconds passed and he still hadn't addressed him, Natsu cringed and silently shuffled over to sit on the edge of the bed beside his furry friend. His fingers laced themselves in front of him as he debated whether or not he should be the first to say something.
After a few tense moments, Happy saved him the trouble of deciding.
"You're a jerk."
Natsu openly flinched. "I know, and I'm really sorry." Sorry for yelling at him, sorry for shutting him out and not putting his feelings ahead of his own. Sorry for being so stupid.
His friend gave him a sideways glance, and Natsu considered it an improvement despite the accusatory gleam in his eyes. "You made Lucy cry. A lot."
He swallowed the lump in his throat that tasted suspiciously like guilt. He had a feeling it would take a while to wash the bitter taste from his mouth. "Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot." He didn't bother to defend himself by saying he already apologized – Happy was more than capable of over hearing the entire conversation he had with the celestial mage. Besides, he didn't really think any number of apologies would fully make up for how he treated them anyway.
Again, a tense silence fell between them – so dense that for a brief, crazy moment Natsu wondered if he'd be able to feel it against his fingertips if he just stretched his arm in the space between them. "Why didn't you want Lucy to know you dreamt about her?" Happy asked, the earlier edge in his voice giving away under the need to understand. "Wasn't it a good dream?"
Natsu sighed, rubbing his palms against his face. 'Good' was probably the understatement of the century. "Yeah, Happy, it was a good dream," he murmured, hands sliding up into his hair, "but I don't think Lucy would think so."
Happy's whiskers twitched, his nose wrinkling as he thought. Eventually he hummed, "She is weird."
At the corner of his mouth, Natsu felt a smile tug at his lips. "Yeah, but that's why we like her." That's why he loved her.
The feline nodded in agreement. "Aye." Another pause, this one shorter and less strained than the last. "I didn't tell her," he said softly, fidgeting on the pink comforter.
Natsu immediately understood that he was referring to the dream and, though he had expected as much, hearing Happy confirm his suspicions had an invisible weight lifting from his shoulder. "Thanks. I'm ... not ready for her to know yet.
"Was it about the Lucy from the future?"
Natsu blinked, his gaze snapping to his inquisitive friend's. "No ... no it wasn't. Why would you think that?"
Happy shrugged his little shoulders, his eyes sliding away and staring out at the window. "It's the only thing about Lucy that ever makes you mad. I thought maybe in the dream you were able to save her..." The dragon slayer remained silent, feeling an old ache blooming across his chest. Happy wasn't wrong – if he had dreamed about saving her only to wake up to find that he had failed all over again ... his reaction would have been similar if not worse. "What was it then?"
He hesitated, struggling to put the dream into words that would convey what it was without embarrassing either of them. "She ... wanted me. Like, as a partner – a, er, romantic partner, I guess." When Happy looked even more confused, Natsu continued, his voice dropping, "I ... didn't understand it then, and I guess that's why it scared me. I get it now, though." He took a deep breathe, letting the air sit in his lungs while he gathered up his courage. "I'm sorta in love with her." It was the first time he had admitted it out loud, but it felt good. It felt right.
His best friend still looked lost. "But you've always loved Lucy. I've been telling you that forever."
Natsu paused, staring down at the Exceed as his words registered. He had always thought his suggestive teasing about his feelings ("you liiiiike her!") had just been in fun, but if they weren't then that meant Happy had figured his feelings out long before he had even realized his attraction to the blonde. The fact that he teased Lucy in the exact same way had his heart stuttering hopefully in his chest. Maybe if Happy was right about his feelings all this time then the thought of Lucy liking – loving – him back wasn't so far fetched after all. He smiled, wider and brighter than he had in the past five days. "Yeah, I guess you have." He gave the Exceed a pat on the head, relieved when he didn't pull away. "Thanks, little buddy."
Maybe things weren't as hopeless as he thought, but he still had a long way to go. He had to tread carefully – this wasn't a battle he could win with brute force. He needed to be smart about this ... his relationship with Lucy was on the line, and he couldn't afford to fail. If he could just buckle down and be patient, think things through for once, then maybe, just maybe, his dream could be a reality.
Maybe Lucy could love him back.
AN: You can all give madartiste a big thank you for carving out time from her busy holiday schedule for getting this edited and ready for you guys in time for Christmas! She is my little holiday angel!
Thank you, as always, for such wonderful feedback! I hope you enjoyed this last chapter from Natsu's POV … next stop is Lucy's! I hope I can fullfill (maybe even exceed?) your expectations.
If you celebrate, Merry Christmas! If you don't, then may you still find yourself surrounded by family, friends, and other loved ones. I hope this chapter brought you all joy. :)
(Also, for those of you who read To the Flame as well, the next chapter is about 95% complete so you can expect another chapter for that fic soon. ;D)