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"I freeze and burn
love is bitter and sweet
my sighs are tempests and my tears are floods
I am in ectasy and agony
I am possessed by memories of her and I am in exile from myself."
–Francesco Petrarca, Canzoniere: Selected Poems
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Ignite
Chapter #17: Torch
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She was going to murder Happy. She was going to string him up and use him as dog bait and she was going to freaking hum as she did it. And after that she was going to march over to the guild and give Mira a stern talking to (because as angry as she was, she knew better than to pick that fight). They had good intentions, she knew, but damn it if this whole thing wasn't starting to resemble a disaster.
The train ride was as awkward as she imagined it would be. Natsu never requested to lay his head in her lap (their usual arrangement) and Lucy didn't offer. The once innocent gesture suddenly seemed taboo in the face of their unspoken feelings. Plus she really didn't think her hormones could handle the feel of his (undoubtedly hot) breath on the bare skin of her thigh at the moment. Even if she could, there was a tension in Natsu that told her that perhaps he was feeling a similar strain. The faded red yarn around his wrist must still have some lingering magic because, while he certainly didn't look comfortable, his complexion didn't take on that sickly green tinge like it normally did. Plus her boots were vomit free, and he would occasionally ask a question or comment on something outside the window just to break up the silence. All in all, despite their fidgeting and strained conversation, it wasn't the worst trip she had ever had with the dragon slayer. She had suspected (hoped) that things would return to normal once they arrived in Hargeon.
At first it did, mostly.
When the train finally pulled into their stop the sky was just beginning to darken and the street markets had long since closed. Lucy was exhausted – while the trip had provided ample time to nap, she couldn't bring herself to sleep for fear that she would somehow make their position even more awkward. Visions of waking up draped over him, her drool saturating his shoulder, effectively kept her eyes from closing for too long. They checked into one of the hotels and for once Lucy didn't flinch at the price, instead ordering room service for dinner. As Natsu rolled out his bed roll on the other side of their shared room, she collapsed on the bed. What felt like only minutes later, she felt Natsu gently shake her awake.
"Food's here," he said as way of explanation. "You should probably eat something before crashing."
The smell of the pasta she had ordered hit her, and her mouth watered in response. The small sandwich and various snacks they had on the train had held her over, but she was looking forward to having a warm meal. Considering how quickly he slurped up his spaghetti, Natsu must have had similar sentiments. They ate on the floor, backs leaning against the side of the bed.
Maybe it was because she was only half awake, but for the first time that day things felt normal between them. Natsu gave her a saucy grin – literally, his mouth was covered in marinara sauce – and Lucy choked on a laugh (and maybe some bits of pasta). And, suddenly, things just fell back into place – the awkwardness that had been brewing between them all day, gone.
The next day they stopped for breakfast at one of the little cafes by the pier (because she might as well insist on a view with her meal). She didn't miss the fact that many of the establishments tables were filled with romantic couples, or that Natsu never did correct their waiter when it was subtly implied that they were one of them. Though, honestly, she doubted Natsu even caught it (his eyes were already hungrily flitting over the other patrons meals).
Over his food, Natsu teased her about how he and Happy had to save her from Bora. In return, she reminded him of how they nearly put her in the poor house with just one "meal". He responded with a cheeky grin. "Well, it all worked out in the end. Right?"
She couldn't really deny that. She'd pay for a hundred more of those meals if it meant keeping the friendships she had built at Fairy Tail – if it meant keeping him. Of course, she didn't say as much. Responding instead with a simple, wistful, "Yeah." The warmth in his eyes made her think that perhaps that one word told him more than enough.
For a wonderful, blissful moment she thought they had returned to normal. Well, mostly anyway. There was still the fact that she was undeniably in love with him and, as a result, might have found her eyes lingering a little longer than they should. His grins (pasta sauce aside) particularly seemed to hold the power to make her heart throb and her knees feel just a little bit weak. Sometimes she thought he might know it too. His head would tilt and his eyes would darken as if he could see her heart pounding against her ribs. If he did, he kept the knowledge to himself and, though burning with curiosity, Lucy didn't have the nerve to ask.
It wasn't until after they met the designated vender that she felt the shift. As she packed the love charms in the shape of perfume bottles (leave it Mira to be as obvious as possible) they were suppose to deliver, Natsu's hands paused in helping her. At first she had thought it had finally dawned on him that this whole mission was a joke, but when she looked up his face was stony and his head was tilted ever so slightly to one side even though his eyes weren't really focused on anything in particular.
Gently, she laid a hand over the small wooden box that concealed the charm, their fingers brushing. "Natsu?"
He blinked, his eyes refocusing on her and the thin line of his mouth relaxing until he looked more like himself again. "Sorry," he muttered, "That the last one?"
She wondered exactly what he was apologizing for, but nodded. "Yeah. Looking at the map it looks like the closest drop off is only half a day's walk."
Natsu glanced up at the sky, mouth turning thoughtfully. "We could probably make it before it gets too dark if we leave now."
The thought of walking the rest of the day was, admittedly, unpleasant. She had hoped to do a bit of shopping. That said, recalling how much their room cost last night was a persuasive incentive. The lodging would no doubt be cheaper outside of the busy harbor town. She sighed, glancing around the market wistfully before shaking her head and closing up Natsu's backpack. "Guess that means we should go grab our things from the hotel."
"I'll go grab it," he offered, picking the bag up and slinging it over his shoulder. "You wanted to look at the booths, right?"
Lucy blinked. "How did you –"
He gave her an amused look, his mouth curved into a teasing grin and his brows raised. "Don't you always?"
She responded with a sheepish smile. "You don't mind?"
"Nah, only booths I'm interested in were those fire food ones up at the front. I'll just grab some to go before grabbing our stuff. Besides," he teased, "you take too long."
She rolled her eyes (but didn't really bother to deny it). She liked to shop, but she usually ended up hemming and hawing over objects more often than actually buying them. "Alright then, where should I meet you?"
He shrugged, seemingly unconcerned, before turning in the direction of the hotel. "Don't worry about it, I'll find you!"
Lucy would have argued, being that Hargeon was a port town its markets were pretty grand, but the truth was she didn't really doubt that he would. He never did lose her for long (sometimes she would have sworn he was part blood hound). With her mouth curling at the comparison, she shook her head before beginning to meander through the maze of stalls.
It was while she was admiring a case of gold ankle bracelets that she began to feel the whisper of a stare. She glanced casually over her shoulder, trying to pinpoint the source, but after a brief sweep of the crowd she found nothing. Unease stirred, but she shrugged it off valiantly. The market was full of local townspeople and tourists alike; she would just stick to the main streets and avoid the less crowded alleys to be on the safe side. Besides, she was a Fairy Tail mage! She could handle herself if it came down to it.
Only, seven booths and fifteen minutes later, and her unease had quickly turned into irritation. She had figured out who was watching her. She tried on a few pairs of sunglasses and used the seller's mirrors to look at the crowd behind her to avoid being obvious and, sure enough, through the darkened lenses she easily locked on to the perpetrator. He wasn't as old as Master Makorav, but he was probably fast approaching it if the receding hairline and peppered white hairs were anything to go by. The blatantly lewd look in his eye left her no doubts with exactly why she was being watched.
She sniffed in disgust. Pervert.
Some of the tension eased from her neck. Gross old men were annoying (and did she mention gross?) but it wasn't a situation she couldn't handle. It was definitely better than the mass coordinated attack her (admittedly overactive) imagination had begun to conjure up. She sure as hell wasn't going to let him ruin her opportunity to shop because she deserved it, damn it.
A stall filled with various scented perfumes was next, and she had to force herself not to sample. Natsu would probably never let her hear the end of it if she did. Still, she took a few delicate whiffs of some of the open bottles just to satisfy her curiosity. A few fruit stands, a handbag and watch retailer later, and she could still feel the stranger's gaze. Was this guy seriously stalking her?
She frowned at the thought, disturbed but still not sure if he was worth making a scene. Determined, she weaved her way through the crowds of people and went deeper into the market square without stopping to browse the numerous wares she passed. As she passed through what seemed to be the food section of the market, she paused to look behind her – smug when she didn't see hide or hair of the greasy old man.
Strolling at a more leisurely pace, she eventually found herself lingering at one of several flower stands. The middle aged woman, hair tucked into a scarf and hands busy with a floral arrangement, gave her a friendly greeting. "Good afternoon, Miss. Let me know if there's anything you'd fancy."
Lucy nodded with a smile, admiring some of the deep purple orchids. "Thank you, but I'm just browsing. My partner and I are just passing through, but your orchids are just so pretty I had to stop and admire them for a bit!"
She practically glowed under the praise. "They take a bit of love, orchids, but they sure are worth it when they bloom. You do any growing?"
A light laugh escaped her before she could help it. "Me? Oh no, I've got too much of a brown thumb. I've tried, but they always end up –" she felt a body slide beside her, and felt her stomach drop when she realized who it was. Apparently she hadn't lost her stalker after all. "Dying," she finished dryly.
Seeming to notice the way Lucy put some distance between herself and the stranger, the florist's easy smile waned. "Can I help you?" she asked pointedly.
The smile he gave her should have been charming, but it just made Lucy's stomach churn. "Ah yes, I'm interested in that one there." He pointed to a grape vine wreath with hyacinth and baby's breath weaving through the woody stems that sat high up on the back wall.
The woman looked between it and him, seeming suspicious. "That one? It's 550 jewel."
If she thought the price would dissuade him, she was wrong. "I'll take it."
She hesitated. "I'll have to go grab the ladder from the back..." Her gaze met Lucy's, as if to reassure her. "I won't be but a moment."
Lucy nodded, thankful for the woman's kindness even if it was unnecessary. Through the crowd she could see Natsu's pink hair shining at her like a beacon, a moment later their eyes met and she felt relief wash over her. There was no doubt that she could handle herself if it came down to it, but the fact was that when Natsu was with her she never really had to. Having the dragon slayer by her side would be an automatic deterrent to a guy like this creep.
She sent the older woman a smile. "Thank you for letting me look, but I really should be going. They really are beautiful!"
The florist's expression softened, her body half poised to go fetch the ladder leaning behind the back wall of her display. "Take a stem, Miss."
"Oh no, I couldn't!" Lucy declined, waving her hands.
She didn't let her finish. "Please, I insist. You've already brightened my day, let me brighten yours." Her shoulders stiffened as she moved her gaze to the older man, "I'll be back."
Not wanting to be rude, Lucy moved toward the bucket that held the loose stems of orchids (thankful that it was a step away from the stranger beside her instead of closer). Her fingers just grazed the petals of the deep violet flower when she felt him move closer to her. Before she could react, she felt a pressure on her backside, then a very distinct squeeze, and she froze.
Did – did that pervert just grope her?!
Indignant fury quickly possessed her, but before she could swing around and deliver some swift justice, Natsu was already there with a look so dark that it made her pause. He had the perpetrator's wrist in his fist and Lucy could feel the heat around them rising to almost blistering temperatures. The man in his grasp was writhing in pain, pulling and tugging at his arm while sweat poured down his face.
"Let me go! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't know she was yours!"
Lucy would have been offended – she was no ones – but the smell of burning flesh was choking her of any lingering anger. "Natsu?!" If he heard her he didn't show any sign of it. He didn't even spare her a glance. His dark gaze was solely directed at the screaming man in his grasp, his face twisted into a silent snarl.
Mavis, he looked like he was ready to kill the guy.
Swallowing thickly, she reached out to him. But when her fingertips brushed against his shoulder she snatched her hand back with a hiss. His skin was burning hot, she may as well have tried touching a skillet.
Almost immediately his eyes were on her, the temperature dropping dramatically as he frowned at the hand she clutched to her chest. She could see the concern swirling beneath his dark gaze and she felt an immeasurable amount of relief. This was the Natsu she knew.
She let loose a shaky breath, stepping closer to him and setting a gentle hand on his wrist. "Natsu," she murmured, giving him an encouraging squeeze and tilting her head towards the sniveling man that he still held in his firm grasp, "you can let him go now – I'm pretty sure he's learned his lesson."
Slowly, he blinked – his eyes leaving her face only to narrow at the scumbag that had dared to touch her. There was a muscle in the corner of his jaw that gave away how hard it really was to convince himself to let the guy go. Finally, he released him and the coward immediately scampered away from the dragon slayer. Seeing the hand print shaped burn that her friend had left behind, Lucy hid a wince.
Yeah, this jerk definitely wouldn't be trying to feel her up ever again.
A crowd had gathered, circling around them and whispering amongst each other, their eyes trained on the Fairy Tail mages. Behind the counter, the florist was looking between Natsu and her with wide, frightened eyes. Lucy sent her what she hoped was a reassuring smile even though her heart was pounding in her chest. No doubt the master would be hearing about this. As if the whole situation wasn't already bad enough.
Natsu gently took her hand and examined her fingertips closely, effectively gaining her full attention. The burns (if you could even call them that) were minor. Really, the only evidence that there had been any pain was the slight red tinge. Still, apparently it was enough to make him frown.
"Does it hurt?"
From the ground, the lecher (apparently over his shock but still lacking in the brain cells department) gaped. "A–are you fucking kidding?! Look what you did to my arm!"
Natsu snarled at him. "And if you ever so much as look at her again your face will be next! So fucking scram!" His light grip slid from her hand to her wrist. "Come on," he murmured, leading her back the way he had come. The crowd parted for him, watching his every move with a healthy amount of trepidation in their gazes. A yard away from the flower stand, Lucy saw her suitcase lying on its side and realized that Natsu must have abandoned it there when he came to her defense. He picked it up, his pace hardly slowing as he steered them out of the market. One of the women gaping at them from behind must have whispered something unpleasant because Natsu sent her a pointed glare over his shoulder. The townspeople quickly grew quiet and Lucy suspected that if someone so much as shuffled her feet then even she, with her dull human senses, would be able to hear it.
Natsu said nothing as they followed the road that led away from town, his pace brisk and tainted with residual anger. Lucy could could see the lingering tension in his shoulders, could feel it in the way he still grasped her wrist. When the buildings melted away into forest, and they were far from any prying ears, she wrapped her free hand around his own and gently coaxed him to a stop.
He was reluctant to meet her gaze, but somehow he still managed to understand her silent question. "I'm sorry, I know you can handle your own battles."
Lucy shook her head. "Natsu... what were you thinking?"
He dropped her wrist and set her suitcase down with a heavy thud, before weaving his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I wasn't, alright? The things he said – and then when he grabbed you – I just, I wasn't thinking."
"The things he said?" she echoed, feeling a chill ghost over her skin. She shook it off, determined to remain focused. "Natsu, you shouldn't let it bother you so much," then, against her better judgement she added, "It hasn't before."
His eyes snapped to hers, dark and full of something else she couldn't quite place. "You're wrong."
She raised her eyebrows skeptically, expecting him to continue with a more detailed explanation. When he didn't, she sighed. "About?"
"That it never bothered me."
In the silence that settled between them, she could scarcely hear anything over the sudden pounding of her heart. She inhaled shakily, willing her nerves to settle. "I didn't know," she admitted softly. "You never told me."
He shrugged awkwardly. "Not like you could do anything about it."
No, she supposed she couldn't. She endured enough catcalling and general harassment to know that Natsu was more than likely privy to twice the amount of lewd whispers (if only because of his incredible hearing). She had learned a long time ago that it was generally best to brush it off – the jerks weren't worth the energy – but she had never thought that the dragon slayer would be affected by it. Still... she hadn't seen him so furious since the incident with the dream mage. She licked her lips, choosing her words carefully. "I'm sorry that it bothers you, and I'm sorry that you have to hear it, but you can't just go off like that."
Natsu's eyes flashed, his nostrils flaring as he squared his shoulders defensively. "He shouldn't have touched you!" When she sucked in a startled breath in response, he cursed. Gazing into the thick forest he briefly closed his eyes, and his voice – while still strained – lowered. "You aren't his. You aren't anyone's. No one should touch you like that, no one should – should violate you like that." His lip curled in a silent snarl, as if he was hearing the echoed memory of crude words. "Especially not a sicko like him."
Lucy regarded him carefully, a swirl of emotions causing her heart to flutter in her chest. She thought of the way his eyes burned, the way his entire body towered over the man in his grasp, and the tenderness in which he regarded her singed fingers – and wondered. A large part of her said to leave it alone... to take his words and accept them at face value and let it be. He was being honest – she had no doubt that he meant every word he said – but the question still nagged at her. She wanted to know. "Not anyone's?"
Her words hung in the air between them, heavy and full of implication. Not yours?
Natsu stilled, his eyes lifting to search hers. For a moment she wasn't sure he would answer, he looked so torn. Then, eventually, the words left him. Soft, but so full of conviction that they seemed to fill every inch of space between them. "No. Not unless you want to be."
Lucy nodded, feeling breathless. Warmth – love – filled her, and before she could even think about what she was doing, she found herself stepping towards him. The urge to touch him, to feel him, was irrefutable. Lightheaded, she took his hands in hers and focused on the warmth of his palms to ground her. As she caressed the firm calluses on his knuckles she wondered how she could have ever dreamed of loving someone that wasn't him. "Thank you," she murmured, lifting her gaze from their hands to his face.
For so long she had been treated as a possession. Her father had groomed her from a young age to be the perfect little princess so he could barter her off once she came of age. So many people, that pervert included, saw nothing more than a pretty face with a nice body. They didn't stop to think about the person she was underneath; didn't care about the fact that she didn't want to be ogled or touched. She doesn't ever remember being told out loud that she was her own – that she would only ever belong to someone when and if she chose to. She had endured so many teasing about being "Natsu's girl" from some of their more nosy guild members, and she had always just shrugged it off. Now, hearing those words from him... for the first time she wanted to be someone's.
She wanted to be his.
Any visible trace of anger had gone, leaving him looking dazed and perhaps a bit nervous at her closeness. He swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing, before nodding. "Yeah, uh, sure."
She smiled up at him, squeezing his hands for reassurance; though she couldn't say if it was more for him or for herself. She wanted to drop it, to let the sleeping dog lie, but she knew better than to let it. Sleeping didn't mean leashed, and she didn't want either of them getting bit later. She licked her lips, gathering her resolve. "I need you to promise me that this won't happen again. Not over me." He scoffed, looking away as his earlier anger rekindled. Lucy brought a soothing palm to his cheek, gently coaxing him to return her gaze. "Please, Natsu."
He winced, his shoulders sagging. "But, Luce, the things he said..." He shook his head, defiance sharpening the line of his jaw. "I'm not sorry."
Lucy sighed, her hand slipping from his cheek. "Natsu, that man is going to be scarred for life."
"I'm not sorry," he repeated.
She eyed him carefully, trying to quell the sick churning of her stomach. Natsu was always one to forgive and forget, the fact that he had no regrets over his rash behavior spoke volumes. "Was it that bad?"
He grimaced, unable to look at her. When he answered the word seems to be sour on his tongue. "Yeah."
She swallowed thickly, suddenly finding her throat dry. "Ok." A part of her, the nosy part, wanted to know what was said, but most of her didn't. Natsu (and herself for that matter) were exposed to more than enough lewd commentary back at the guild (mostly thanks to Macao and Wakaba); for him to be as shaken as he was... Lucy figured she was better off not knowing the details of what sent her dragon slayer off the deep end.
Biting her bottom lip, she evaluated the hard line of his jaw thoughtfully. She... she wanted to kiss him; to smooth away the tension in his shoulders with her fingers and soften his scowl with her lips. Surely if she ran her hands through his hair, the way she did on their long train rides, it would it soften the anger she knew was still churning inside him?
But no... no she shouldn't. Couldn't. The timing was wrong. There was a shocked town at their back, and fury still thrumming beneath Natsu's skin. As tempting as his lips were, as much as her heart throbbed at the thought of tasting him, it wasn't the right time. Not yet.
Still, the urge to comfort him was strong and the need to touch him wasn't satiated by the feel of his warm palm in her own. More – she needed to give him something more. So, with a shaky sigh she released his hand and wrapped her arms loosely around his neck. He stiffened immediately, but Lucy wouldn't be deterred by the reaction. Resting her chin on his shoulder, she spoke softly into his ear. "Just, try to keep me in the loop next time? So we can handle it together?"
Trembling, his hands came to rest on her hips, the rough pads of his thumbs teasing the sliver of bare skin below the hem of her tank top. His nose brushed against her neck and she felt him take a deep, shaky breath, his chest firm against her own. His exhale ghosted over her pulse and she suppressed a shiver. Raising his head, his lips – slightly chapped but oh so warm – grazed her jaw and her fingers curled through the strands of hair at the back of his neck in response.
Her heart was thundering in her ears, and she wondered (without regret) if perhaps hugging him would lead to kissing him despite her intentions. Without really meaning to, she whispered his name and dear Mavis, she had never thought her voice could sound so breathy and so wanting.
Suddenly, he stilled. As if the sound of his name had woken him from a trance. His hands flexed against her hips before pushing away from her.
Lucy let her hands drop from his shoulders, disappointment and doubt casting shadows over her heart. She couldn't pin down his expression – his cheeks were red as if from embarrassment, but his body was rigid as if he wanted nothing more than to bolt. What... what just happened? "Natsu?"
Taking a step back, he couldn't seem to bring his gaze away from his shoes. Why wouldn't he look at her? "We should get going," he said, sounding forced. Lucy watched as he swallowed and wondered if his throat was as dry as her own. "We got a lot of ground to cover if we're going to make it to the next town over before it gets dark."
"Oh, right... ok" She shook her head, eyeing her companion carefully. Something was off. His body was too still and his spine too straight – too rigid. The question tumbled from her lips before she could bother to even think of stopping it. "Are you alright?'
Finally, his eyes met hers and Lucy couldn't help but notice that they looked more guilty than surprised. It wasn't completely unlike the looks he would give her when she caught him and Happy doing something they shouldn't, but there was an anxiety teetering on the rims of his irises that set her on edge. "I'm fine."
He didn't sound at all convincing.
Almost nervously, he leaned forward – towards her – and picked her suitcase up from the ground jerkily. He paused, his free hand flexing at his side as he looked at her, before licking his lips and turning to walk down the road.
Lucy watched his back, rooted. Her mind was replaying what just happened, trying to figure out what exactly made him push her away. She thought of the way he had breathed her in; of how saying his name seemed to break the moment. Was it her imagination, or had he held his breath when he leaned toward her to pick up the bag? She had been careful at the perfume stall, but perhaps just being around it had been enough to cling to her skin? Had it made him dizzy? Nauseous even?
Up the road, no more than a few yards away, Natsu had stopped to look back at her. She watched as he fidgeted, as if he needed to move. Slowly, systemically, she put one foot in front of the other and noted the look of relief he gave her when she did it without further question.
Suddenly she really wished she had taken that stem of orchids. Her day could use some brightening after all.
AN: Thank you all for such wonderful feedback last chapter! We are quickly approaching the end of this fic … we have three more chapters and an epilogue (in Natsu's POV) to go! Thank you for sticking it through with me! And, as always, thank you to the lovely madartiste for being my beta! She got this edited extra fast for you guys so it could be posted this weekend!
Looking forward to seeing your responses for this chapter!