Chapter 2

"What's wrong?" Castle asked with a sigh as his conversation was seemingly being ignored.

"You know what's wrong," Kate muttered as she kept her gaze on the paperwork on her desk. "It's January ninth…and all day so far you've been trying was too hard to make everything fine about this day and it's not fine. It's nowhere near fine."

"It is fine," he replied. "Your mother is alive. She's healthy. She's home. She's fine."

Kate rubbed her fingers across her brow. "It doesn't change anything."

His brow rose. "It kind of does…she's at home in the house you grew up in, not at the cemetery."

"That's not what I meant," she snapped, her voice full of tension. "I meant that it doesn't change the feeling of this day."

"It should though; Johanna's been home for nearly two years. I understood the awkwardness of it last year; but you've had more time now and…"

"It doesn't matter!" she said in exasperation. "It doesn't change the fact that something terrible happened to us on this date. It doesn't just go away because she came home."

Castle tried to chose his words carefully. "I'm not saying that you forget what happened; I'm just saying that knowing she's there should make it easier."

"Well it doesn't," Kate replied; her voice taunt with emotion. "The memory is still there; the pain, the hurt, the anger. I remember every single thing about that day. I remember thinking about how she was alone; how scared she must have been, how no one was around to help her. Yes, she's home now and I have the knowledge that she didn't meet the fate planned for her, thank God; but I still feel it. I still think about it; about how scared she must've been…how scared I was. I think about everything we lost and how nothing is ever going to be the same as it was before that day. She's safe now…and yet I still worry about her every single day, whether we're fighting, or not speaking, or as close as always. I worry…because it doesn't go away. It fades into the background…but this day is always waiting to bring it back. This day is never going to be good for me and you just need to accept that."

Castle breathed deeply; she didn't make it easy to comfort her…at least not when it came to her mother. She was always going to shut him out of that small space in any way she could unless he fought it tooth and nail. "I think you can acknowledge the date without letting it drown you, Kate; and that's what you've been doing since last night. You've been sinking into this dark hole and you don't need to do that anymore. She's home, you're both safe; and yes, things aren't the same as they were but you can both move forward. You don't have to be chained to this date on the calendar."

"Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say, Castle; it didn't happen to you. You think that if you talk enough and shove a buffet breakfast feast in my face and make elaborate plans for a night out that you're making it go away, that you're making me forget; well you're not; you're just making it worse."

Frustration flickered in his veins. "I just want to help you through it."

Her eyes stung with tears. "You can't; you just have to let me do it my way."

"Because you won't let me in when it comes to this one," he remarked. "We're going to be married, Kate; you have…"

"No, I don't," she interrupted. "I don't have to give into you all the time because you always think you can fix me. You can't tell me how to feel on this day. You used to be understanding of that."

"Yeah; when we thought she was really gone…but she isn't; and maybe it would help to look at this date as the day she survived."

Kate shook her head. "You don't get it. Having her home doesn't change it, knowing she survived that day doesn't change it. You can't always spin me a story and make it better. Sometimes you just have to let me do what I need to do. Why do you always have to push me?"

"Because I love you," he said unapologetically.

"I love you too…but I don't need to be pushed right now. I just need to be left alone. You're making this a fight; you're making it about you, I'm not letting you in…that's all you're worried about; that there's something I won't give you a piece of; well I don't have to. I'm entitled to just need to do something in my own way…and my way is to be left alone with it."

"So you can drown in a fifteen year old tragedy that in the end managed to result in a happy ending with her homecoming and justice for both of you? You want to spend it alone and I can't help it if I think that's not the best thing for you. If you want push me away for the rest of this day, fine, I guess I can't stop you…but maybe you should call your mother. Maybe that would make you feel better."

Kate cut her gaze toward him. "I would feel better if you would just stop talking about it and let me be. Why can't you just do that?"

"Because, I don't want you to have to feel this way every January when there's no cause for it anymore. She's alive and well…and most likely locked in the house at this very moment."

"I hope to God she is," Kate muttered; her queasy stomach clenching.

"Really?" Castle asked. "You want her to be hiding at home…I thought you frowned upon that?"

She sucked in a shaky breath. "This is the one day of the year when I am completely fine with the idea of her hiding inside the house with the doors and windows locked and a weapon nearby. I don't want her going anywhere on this date; I just want her to stay home where we know where she is and that she's safe. She gets a pass on this date."

"Bad things can happen on any day, Kate."

She closed her eyes. "Do you think I don't know that, Castle? I'm well aware of it; I'm a cop, I see bad things every day. She cheated this date once…she doesn't need to tempt fate. If I know my mother like I think I do; she's home in bed and won't make any move to get up until tomorrow and that's fine with me."

"Your father is going to let her get away with that?" he asked.

"Most likely…because he knows when to stay out of her face and let her work through something on her own. It's what he let her do last year and I don't see why he won't allow her to do it this year. We all have our own thing for this day, Castle. She stays in bed, I want to be alone, and my father tries to make the best of it. We just…we hold our breaths for the day; and when it's over we breathe again. It's how we are and you can't change that. I'm sorry…but it's just the way it is; so please…just back off about it, alright?"

He sighed deeply. "I can't help it that I want to be the person to help you get through things, Kate. You always want to do everything yourself."

"That's not true," she retorted. "If it was, you wouldn't still be here."

"Beckett," Gates stated, appearing at the side of the desk without their notice.

"Captain," she said, her stomach tightening further; wondering how much of the argument she had overheard.

"Can I see you for a moment?"

"Yeah," she said, pushing herself out her chair and following the captain to the side of the room. "Something wrong, Sir?"

Gates studied her for the briefest moment. "I overheard most of your conversation."

"I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't mean for Castle and I to have an argument about a personal matter. It won't happen again."

"I'm willing to overlook that this time," Gates said; "It could be said that I could've avoided knowing it was turning into an argument if I had kept walking."

Kate cringed. "You're not sending me back to therapy are you? Because I'm fine…it's just the day; I'll be over it tomorrow, I swear."

Gates shook her head. "No; I'm not sending you back to therapy…I don't think anything will ever erase the feeling of this date for you and your parents. I understand what you were saying…that some things you need to work out on your own; so I think you should do that."

She eyed her captain warily. "Meaning?"

"Meaning that I want you to take the rest of the day off; it's quiet around here today. Go home; take some time for yourself; do what you need to do to get through this day and start fresh tomorrow."

"I don't have to go home; I'm fine."

Gates gave her a small hint of a smile. "You're not…and it's okay that you're not. Go home. There's no harm in taking some time for yourself once in awhile, Kate. I can make the argument that I don't feel you're doing anyone any good by being here today but it won't make you feel any better and I really don't want to have to dig into the box of lectures and demands. Take the rest of today and take care of yourself…alone, like you want…and then, after you've spent some time alone; go see your mother. She might need your visit as much as you do."

Kate shifted on her feet. "I could stay though…I mean, there's really not…"

Sternness returned to her captain's face. "Consider it an order, Detective."

She nodded. "Alright; I guess I can't fight that."

"No, you can't…and since I probably should, I apologize for eavesdropping."

She smiled a little. "That's okay…at least someone gets it."

Gates smiled. "I can try to think up a reason to put him in a holding cell until morning if you want."

A broader smile broke across Kate's lips. "That's tempting…but I'll just issue an order of my own."

The captain nodded. "See you tomorrow, Detective."

"See you tomorrow."

The captain headed back to her office and Kate headed back to her desk.

"Are we in trouble?" Castle asked.

"No; but she did offer to put you in a holding cell…I've declined for now," she stated as she set about shutting down her computer.

"What are you doing?"

"She's sending me home for the rest of the day."

Castle smiled. "Free half day; what do you want to do?"

Kate met his eye. "I'm going home, to my apartment, alone."

"But…"

"No," she interrupted. "I'm going home alone this time, Castle. I might come over sometime tonight; for now I just need space."

"You should've been an astronaut," he muttered.

She glared at him. "I know you want to help me; so help me by letting me do what I need to do. Can you just do that? I would appreciate that way more than you trying to suddenly smother me because you don't like how I act on this date. I know it bothers you. I know you don't like it; but sometimes I know what's best for myself and if you're going to be my husband, I would appreciate it if you could accept that. Can you help me by doing that?"

"Fine," Castle replied. "May I at least call?"

"Not right away; maybe tonight."

"You don't make it easy, Kate."

"Neither do you," she remarked as she gathered up her belongings. "But tomorrow will be better; I promise."

He managed a smile for her. "I'll hold you to that."

She gave a nod as she leaned toward him and brushed a kiss against his lips. "I love you…and needing space doesn't take anything away from that so remember that when you're at home stewing in front of your laptop, okay?"

"Okay," he said with a quiet laugh. "But I worry."

"Don't worry…I'm fine. I promise," Kate remarked as she moved away from her desk and headed for the elevator. He didn't follow her and she felt some of the tension easing from her shoulders; she could get through this day better at home…where she didn't have to pretend. Where she could cry, where she could feel the way she wanted to feel without explanation or demands. She just had to get through what was left of the day and then she could breathe again.