A/N: Thanks for your reviews and indulging me with this small little story.
Chapter 4
"Jim, I don't think I can do this," Johanna said tearfully as she stood by the open closet door in their bedroom.
"You can," he stated while buttoning his shirt. "It's going to be fine."
"I don't know why we have to do this," she cried. "I don't want to go out."
"I know you don't; that's why we're going," Jim said as he moved closer to her. "You've been thinking about the dinner you didn't get to that day; how you didn't get to come home that day. This January ninth, you're going to make it to dinner. Katie's going to be there, we're going to have a nice meal as a family and when it's over, we're all going to make it home safely. We're going to do this."
She shook her head. "I can't."
He cupped her face, his eye meeting hers. "You can. You can do it just like you do it every other day of the year."
"But this day is different," she murmured.
"Only because we keep making it different. It's never going to get easier unless we break away from it and make it different. We're going to go to that restaurant and have the meal we were supposed to have. I'm going to be with you the whole time; nothing is going to happen. It's going to be a normal evening out, you'll see."
"Jim," she breathed, her eyes closing as tears continued to slide down her cheeks.
"You can do it, sweetheart," he said quietly. "You're brave."
She started to shake her head but he gently caught hold of her chin. "You are," he said firmly. "Look at everything you've been through…it might've knocked you down but you got up and you fought and you survived. You're brave and strong…you weren't defeated back then and you won't be now. You're going to be fine. Now pick out something pretty to wear, we don't want to be late."
Johanna swore that her stomach was turning itself inside out as her trembling fingers reached into the closet and pulled out a black dress.
"No black," Jim said, plucking it from her hand and hanging it back up.
"Why?"
"Because today isn't a day for you to be dressed in black," he stated as he searched through her clothes. "It would be a reflection of what you see this day as…and we're trying to get away from that. Here, this is pretty," he said as he pulled a purple dress from the closet.
"It's a little dressier than I wanted…we're not going somewhere ultra fancy."
"Alright," Jim said as he put the dress back and selected a royal blue one that was simpler and less dressy. "Wear this one; I like this color on you."
Johanna took the dress from his hand, her fingers still shaking as she did so. "We could just order food and have Katie come here."
"No," he said firmly. "Get dressed, get your shoes on, put your makeup on, make sure your glasses are in your purse and let's go. Stalling isn't going to make it easier, Johanna."
She glared at him. "You're lucky I love you."
He smiled. "I know…and remember what I told you earlier; everything I do is because I love you…even when I'm risking your ire by making you do something you don't want to do. Now get dressed, we don't want Katie to worry if she gets there before us."
"How did you get her to agree?" she asked; sure that her daughter probably didn't want this anymore than she did.
"It was a lot easier than I thought it would be," Jim admitted. "I think maybe she wants to be with her mother…so go on, get ready; she'll worry."
Johanna sighed deeply and laid her dress aside so she could strip off her robe and nightgown. She couldn't fight a losing battle. She couldn't let Jim down…she couldn't cause Katie worry on this day of all days. She had to go…whether she liked it or not.
Kate had arrived at the restaurant five minutes before but she still hadn't been able to get out of her car. She wasn't sure she could do it…wasn't sure she could walk back into that restaurant, remembering the last time she had been there, waiting for her mother only to be told later that she'd never see her again. Her stomach clenched and tears welled in her eyes…why did they have to come here? Did her father really think it was going to help; going back to that place?
She gripped the steering wheel; why did places and smells and days on a calendar have to hold so much power? Why did they have to dominate and strangle you with remembrance of things you wished you could forget? How could they just go in there and have a meal as a family…knowing it's what they had planned fifteen years before. Same place, same time…only this time was supposed to turn out differently; and she knew logically that it would…and yet she couldn't get out of the car.
She hated this; hated feeling so unsure, so overwrought about the idea of walking into a restaurant on this day. Kate shivered, feeling a chill race down her spine and she wasn't sure if it was because she was cold or if it came from those feelings that were choking her. She couldn't do this…and yet she knew she had to; that she was inevitably going to have to get out of the car and walk in there…face the past like her father had said.
Her phone buzzed and she picked it up from the passenger seat and opened the text from her father. "Your mother's getting worried; are you on your way?"
Guilt pooled within her; the longer she sat in the car, the more worried her mother would be…and she'd probably think she was delaying herself on purpose to make her worry as some sort of comeuppance for the past. She didn't want her to get that idea; things were hard enough between them at times; she didn't need to make it worse.
"I'm outside," she typed back. "I just need a minute."
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Kate blinked back the sting of tears. "Not really; but who in this family is today?"
"It's going to be alright, Katie. Do you want me to come out and walk in with you?"
"No; don't leave her in there by herself."
"Believe me; I'm sure it would be a joint endeavor."
"I'll be in in a minute…I promise."
"Alright; but if you change your mind, let me know."
"I'll be there in a minute."
Kate slipped the phone into the pocket of her jacket and breathed deeply, watching as the rain turned to snowflakes as the chillier air of night set in. She couldn't keep stalling; her mother was worrying and she was sure her mind wasn't in the best of places as it was. She didn't want to be the cause of her having a panic attack…because she had a feeling it would be easy for her to lapse into one…and she wasn't all that sure that she'd escape having one herself.
She took a few more breaths and tried to steel herself. "It's just a restaurant," she said softly. "She's here this time…they're both here. It's not going to be like last time."
Her stomach still felt queasy but she forced herself to push the door of the car open and then breathed deeply as she dragged herself out of her seat and shut the door, locking it before she thought about jumping back inside. The cold air smacked her face, snowflakes catching on her eyelashes as she blinked back the moisture that kept threatening to fill her eyes. Irrational anger at her father welled up within her as she opened the door of the restaurant but she quickly squashed it. He wasn't trying to be cruel…he was trying to make things better for them and getting defensive wouldn't help anyone tonight. He had to have been struggling too…he might push it away to be brave for them, but she knew that it had probably been a hard walk for him to make as well.
The smell of the food struck her as she walked inside, the sounds of dishes and other patrons talking and laughing while she felt like the air was being squeezed out of her body. She forced herself to breathe deeply again and to exhale slowly as she forced her feet to carry her through the restaurant in search of her parents. She finally spotted them in the quieter, less crowded back area of the restaurant and she could see from a distance that her mother was pale and slightly agitated, a small pile of shredded napkin in front of her and her hands twisting another as she listened to whatever her husband was whispering in her ear.
Kate felt some of the tightness in her chest ease at the sight of her mother and she allowed her pace to quicken; the sooner she got to the table, the sooner they could eat and go home…where she and her mother clearly wanted to be.
"There she is," Jim said as he glanced up and caught sight of his daughter. He rose from the booth as she neared and held out his arms.
Kate walked into his embrace willingly. "Hey, Dad," she said softly.
"You okay?" he asked quietly.
"I'm here," she answered. "I wish it could be a different restaurant but I know your reason for it."
"And you're trying not to hold it against me?"
"Yeah…not that I'm mad at you…it's just hard to come in here."
"I know," he said as he pulled back and kissed her cheek; "But it's alright; you'll feel better in a few minutes."
"I'll take your word for it," she remarked as he stepped aside so Johanna could slide out of the booth.
"Katie," Johanna said softly, as she wrapped her arms around her.
Katie hugged her tightly. "Hi, Mom…how are you?"
Her mother breathed deeply. "I haven't thrown up yet but I'd really like to; how are you?"
"I haven't thrown up yet either but the night is still young."
Johanna squeezed her tightly. "This wasn't my idea."
She laughed a little. "I know…believe me, I'd rather you be locked in the house too, if that makes you feel any better about it."
"I needed that back up when I was having my dress picked out for me," Johanna remarked as she released her.
Kate glanced to Jim as they took their seats. "You picked her dress?"
"She wanted to wear black; we're not having that today."
"Then I should probably leave my coat on…my sweater is black."
"No," Johanna said; "You'll get too warm; take it off. You don't want to get food on it."
Kate shrugged out of her coat and laid it next to her in the booth as silence and awkwardness filled the air between them. She didn't know what to say and apparently neither did they. Her mother was going back to twisting napkins into pieces and she was wishing she could order a glass of wine. This felt like its own brand of torture for the day.
Jim studied the women in his life, seeing the struggle for both of them reflected in their faces. It wasn't easy for him either; but he had to be the strong one…he had to get them through it. He had to make them see that this was the only way. He pulled Johanna's hand away from the napkin she was shredding and reached across the table to take one of his daughter's hands as well.
"Listen," he said quietly. "I know it's not easy for any of us to be in this place on this day…but we all made it this time and we're all going to make it back home. I hate this day just as much as each of you do; it's a terrible memory for all of us. We all lost something that day, although thankfully it wasn't the permanent kind of loss that we thought it would be. I know it's hard to think of facing this day in a way different than we're all accustomed to doing; but we're going to have to change it. Last year, we were all still going through a period of adjustment; it was hard to fight it and easy to give in to usual tactics…and so some of us stayed in bed, and some fell off the radar…and some let it happen because he didn't know what else to do…but I'm not letting it happen to that full of an extent again. This is where it ends; this is the last day of mourning."
"Dad…I don't think you can just declare that," Kate said quietly.
"I can," Jim said with conviction. "I'm the head of this family and I say it ends here today. We've been held hostage by this date for long enough; we've mourned and grieved long enough. What was lost has been restored; we're all together again, we're safe, we're healthy, happy…and we're not going to do this every time January rolls around; so that's why we're here tonight. Tonight we're having our do over; we're having the dinner, we're going to make it home…and it's going to be put to rest. We're going to learn to breathe again…because that's all we can do; we just have to start breathing again in this month. No more staying in bed all day; no more dropping off the radar; no more allowing it to happen because this day is different. It's not going to be different anymore."
"But it is different," Johanna gently insisted.
Jim nodded. "It doesn't have to be as huge of a difference as it is right now. None of us are in danger of forgetting; but we don't need to be suffocated by this day anymore. We shouldn't have to be afraid to step outside the door just because of the date on the calendar. We've got to let it go…we've got to get away from the tragedy and start treating this day as a regular day that holds some bad memories…but will also be able to be filled with good memories. We can have quiet acknowledgement. We can have extra phone calls; more precaution…and most of all; we could just try to always spend some part of this day together to acknowledge that our family came back together and that we survived and we move on together. We can do that, don't you think?"
"I don't know," Johanna whispered.
"I do," Jim said; "You know why?"
She shook her head.
"Because you're a McKenzie," he told her; "And Katie's part McKenzie and part Beckett…and McKenzies and Becketts do what they need to do and they get through it. We stumble along the way but we get there…and we're going to start tonight. Tonight, we start breathing again; we put the bad things of this day in the past where they belong and we learn to move on without dread of this day every year. I know we can do that…but I can't be the only one to do it; you girls need to be on board with me…so what do you say? Can we work on it? Can we promise to make next year different?"
Kate glanced at her mother and slowly slipped her free hand across the table to curl around Johanna's free hand. "I'll try if you try," she told her mother.
Johanna drew in a shaky breath as she nodded. "We can try."
"More than try," Jim stated; "We're going to succeed."
She met his eye. "I can't promise I won't stumble."
"If you stumble; I'll pick you up," Jim told her as he squeezed her hand; "But we're going to be okay…and if it's possible; I think we should have dinner together on this day, everyone's work schedule permitting, and no, not here; at home or some other restaurant…but I think it would help us all stay on the right path. Is that agreeable?"
"It's agreeable to me," Johanna replied.
"Katie?" Jim asked.
She nodded. "Yeah; but I can't promise not to lapse either."
"We can forgive lapses; what matters is that you don't shut us out and that you show up for dinner, work excuses are permitted of course but we would like a phone call saying as much."
"I promise, I would notify you if I couldn't make a dinner we planned," Kate replied. "I wouldn't make you worry like that…especially with this in the background of our minds…because it'll always be there."
"It will always be there," Jim said with a nod; "But we don't have to drag it out of the background, do we?"
"No," both women said softly.
"Then I think it's time we left it in the past where it belongs. We'll call it our belated New Year's resolution; alright? We're all in agreement?"
"Yes," they replied.
Jim smiled. "That's my girls. It's going to be alright; you'll see…we'll breathe easier once we stop letting it have control and we'll start now, take a deep breath and let it go."
They did as he instructed and he gave their hands a squeeze before releasing them. "It feels a little better already, doesn't it?" he asked.
Kate squeezed her mother's hand, meeting her eye and knowing it wasn't feeling all that much better but they would try harder, make the night what he wanted it to be and work their way up to being better when the date rolled around again. "Yeah; it's a little better," she said as she let go of her mother's hand.
Jim glanced to his wife. "Jo?"
"I still feel a little nauseated but I'll be fine."
He smiled and brushed a kiss against her lips. "You feel sick because you've barely ate; we'll get a waiter over here, get food and drinks ordered and your stomach will feel better before we leave…because you are going to eat, even if I have to feed it to you…and you really don't want people to see me force feeding you, do you?"
"No…for all I know a future student could be in here and I don't need that kind of heckling as soon as I start my job."
"That's my girl," he said, patting her knee.
Kate sucked in a soft breath, pushing bad memories away and inserted herself into the conversation. "Are you excited to start your job, Mom?"
"Not really," she admitted.
"Why?"
"She's just nervous," Jim replied.
She gave her a small smile. "You'll be okay; you've done it before."
"I know…but I…I didn't have infamy attached to my name back then. I don't want to be the main attraction at the freak show again," Johanna remarked.
"I don't think you have to worry about that," Jim told her. "Chances are, no one will ask or mention it."
"But what if they do?"
Kate caught her eye. "You tell them that everything that needed said on that topic has been said and is probably still posted online somewhere. You tell them you're there to teach law, not talk about your past unless it pertains to an example from your career during a lesson. But I honestly don't think you need to worry; I don't think they'll ask…they might wonder, but they probably won't ask; and if they do mention something, like I said, tell them it's not up for discussion…or keep in mind that the generation you're dealing with is more open minded than some; chances are they understand and they get it…and maybe with that thought in mind, they'll respect you enough to let it go unspoken."
"I hope so," Johanna replied with a soft sigh. "I feel like maybe I should've waited longer for it to fade further into the past."
Kate chose her words carefully. "I think you can make it fade away faster if you get back out there. You like teaching and you're good at it or Columbia wouldn't have come to you and asked you to take this position. Apparently enough time has passed for them that they're not concerned with putting you into one of their classrooms. I think it'll be good for you to get back to work."
"I guess we'll see," she stated as the waiter appeared to take their order.
After the waiter left their table, Jim looked to Kate. "I told your mother I'll drive her to and from work until she's feeling comfortable with it."
She nodded; the unspoken sentiment of 'she's afraid to go alone because it's January' coming through loud and clear. "You know that if you have any problems or need something, you can call me," she told her mother. "I'll come."
Johanna nodded. "Okay…it's just going to take me a little while to get back in the swing of things. I haven't worked in awhile now."
"You'll be fine," Jim told her. "You've already been working on your lesson plans; I'm sure it'll all feel natural to you again once you're in the classroom. Katie and I are only a phone call away if you need us; but it's going to be fine."
"That's Dad's motto tonight," Kate quipped as she looked to her mother.
Johanna smiled. "Yeah; I know…it's been his motto all day."
"And I haven't been wrong yet," Jim quipped. "How was your day, Katie?"
She sighed a little. "My fiancé was annoying me and Gates sent me home early."
"Why?" her mother asked.
Kate smiled a little. "I believe it was implied that she felt I needed a mental health day…and she's not wrong about that; so I went home…and told Castle to let me be."
"What's going on with you and Rick?" Jim asked.
"Oh he sometimes thinks I'm obligated to tell him every thought in my head so he can fix it to his specifications and when I don't allow that he gets offended and says I'm shutting him out," she said with a hint of exasperation.
"A woman is entitled to keep some things to herself," Johanna replied. "It doesn't mean you love your significant other any less…and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it."
"I think that's probably another part of the problem; I don't feel guilty about it and I have a feeling he probably thinks I should…but…"
"But today is personal," her mother said knowingly.
"How did you it was about that?"
Johanna smiled softly. "What else could it be?"
Kate gave a nod. "True…he just doesn't get that some things I have to do on my own and some things can't be fixed by him with some pancakes and constant chatter. He can't fix it at all…it's something I have to do…here with you," she admitted.
"Maybe tomorrow you can explain that to him in a better way," Johanna suggested. "The pressure will have eased and maybe the words can be chosen with more care than they are in the heat of the moment."
"Yeah…but knowing him; it'll still be an issue of 'you shut me out'…and I don't feel like needing time and space sometimes is shutting someone out. It's just something I need for myself sometimes. I mean I sometimes wonder why he never mentions certain things from his past but I don't force or pry my way into them. I figure if he wants to share it, he will when he's ready."
"Everyone is allowed to have things they don't want to share or discuss," Jim stated. "Tell Rick to relax; that sometimes a man can't fix everything, no matter how badly he wants to; trust me I know. There are many things I wish I could've fixed for your mother through the years but I couldn't…I just had to learn to give her what she needed to get through those times; sometimes it's space, sometimes it's just sitting with her and not saying anything, sometimes it's taking her away somewhere. I'm not saying I never coax her into talking, I do…but I try to wait until she's had some time alone with it."
"Is that true?" Kate asked; "Does he not get pushy about talking about everything?"
Johanna nodded slowly. "Yeah; I would say that's true. He does occasionally pick at things when he feels like I really need to get it out…and those are times when I'm probably looking for a fight so it kind of works out as odd as it seems. He doesn't push me a lot when it comes to words…he pushes more when it comes to actions…like getting in the car…I'm pretty sure he pushed me into the car tonight."
"I did not push you into the car," Jim stated.
"I'm pretty sure you did."
"I was giving you a reassuring pat."
"That reassuring pat felt a bit like a push."
"Dad, did you push her?" Kate said in amusement.
"No; I gave her reassurance and helped her into the car."
"Oh, now it's you helped me in," Johanna said; "Sounds like you're changing your story."
Jim shook his head. "You weren't pushed."
Kate glanced at her mother. "Do you want to press charges? I could run him in."
"No, it's more fun for me if I get to be the one to punish him."
Jim grinned at her and patted her knee. "Sounds like fun."
"Please, I'm at the table," Kate stated with a touch of mock disgust. "You two really need a hobby."
"We like the one we've got," Jim remarked. "But your mother is right, just explain to Rick that sometimes you don't need pushed; sometimes you need a quieter show of support…and sometimes you have to find it in other places and that's not taking anything away from him. You know, there are things that Maggie's better at helping your mother with than I am; and I don't take that as a slight or a lack of love or being shunned. I just take it as her needing a friend's perspective, the counsel of another woman. There are times she feels better about something after talking to you; in the past there were times when one of her parents made her feel better about something; and on rare occasions, even my mother could work that magic. Sometimes when she feels better after talking to someone else, she seems to find it easier to talk to me about it…and sometimes she just tells me she feels better and keeps most of it to herself and I respect that."
"He does," Johanna confirmed; "And I don't pry when he needs to talk things out with Jeff or Zach or Andrew. As long as he feels better about something, I'm okay with not always being the one who's able to fix it."
Kate smiled. "I'll keep that in mind. Did you work today, Dad?"
"No," he answered; allowing the subject to change. "I go in late tomorrow morning."
"He was supposed to go today," Johanna said; "But he stayed home with me."
"Nothing wrong with that," Kate remarked. "Who are you working with this time, Dad?"
"Zach," he answered.
"He's sneaking back into the courtroom," Johanna stated.
Her brow rose. "Really?"
"Only as second chair; but the case doesn't go to court until early March."
"Well," Kate said; "Mom's going back to teaching, you're going back to court…"
"You're getting married," Johanna added.
"Yeah," she said with a nod; "I guess we are moving on…even if it didn't really feel like it earlier today."
"That's right, we are," Jim said; "That's why we have to move on from today's stigma…and we are; you've both got color back in your faces."
"Still nauseated though," Johanna replied.
"Food will be here soon, sweetheart. Your stomach will feel better soon."
Johanna figured it was probably her turn to pick a topic so she did her best to ignore her stomach and caught her daughter's eye. "Were you home in time to watch Temptation Lane?"
Jim allowed the women to overtake the conversation with the topic of their favorite soap; glad to just sit back and listen to them as the food was delivered to the table. He spoke when they'd bring him in on one topic or another; or he'd start one of his own if a lull started to fall; but mostly he listened…feeling the darkness lift, feeling the tension leave Johanna's body, her smiles frequent and his daughter's laugh full of happiness as they forgot about the reason for their gathering.
He listened as they tried to figure out the recipe of the bread they liked that had been served with their meal; he listened as they discussed if a new job meant that Johanna was entitled to a small shopping spree for a new wardrobe; listened as Johanna subtly asked about flowers for the wedding. He listened to memories that got brought up; the discussions of shows and books. As he listened and occasionally added his two cents; he felt the band around his heart that had been there all day slowly release and he breathed deeply; feeling satisfied that he had gotten them all through it; that he hadn't had to fight Katie to get her to the table; that Johanna had ate her meal and dessert and took the bite of his he had offered.
When the plates were empty and the drinks finished; Jim smiled at his girls, feeling successful about the evening. "I guess we better be heading home," he stated.
"Yeah; I guess we should," Kate remarked. "Back to work tomorrow for both of us; what are you going to do, Mom?"
"Work on more of my lesson plans," Johanna answered. "I want to make sure I have a good grip on things and get as much ready as I can."
Kate gave a nod. "Work for all of us then."
Jim asked for the check and paid it and then watched as a slight touch of unease flicked across Johanna's face as she scooted out of the booth and put her coat on. He took her hand and gave her a reassuring smile. "Don't worry; I've got you," he told her.
Johanna smiled. "Thank you."
"That's what I'm here for," he replied.
"And don't worry," Kate said; "I'm going to make sure he doesn't push you into the car."
Johanna laughed. "I'd appreciate that."
"We should've carpooled," Jim remarked as they moved toward the door; "Then I could've pushed you both."
"Child abuse, Dad," his daughter replied.
"That's going to be a tough case to make at your age," he remarked as they moved outside.
"Oh, it's snowing," Johanna said, a touch of awe in her voice. "It was still raining when we got here."
"It had turned into flurries by the time I pulled in," Kate told her.
Johanna smiled a little, tipping her face up to watch the snowflakes. "I think tonight I like the snow better than the rain."
"How come?" Jim asked.
"Because in the winter, they say snow cleans the air…and I think we need clean air to breathe tonight."
He slipped his arm around her and pulled her close, his lips brushing against her temple. "I agree, sweetheart."
She smiled, leaning into him as they made their way to their cars. "It makes me think of the night we got engaged too…and that's a much better memory to dwell on."
"Only you two would get engaged in the middle of a snowball fight," Kate quipped.
"Hey," Jim said; "Don't knock it; it's lasted."
"I'm not knocking it," she remarked; "I will say that clearly I wasn't paying any attention earlier or I would've noticed that I parked behind you."
"It's probably better that I didn't know that during dinner," Jim stated. "I would've had to come out and check for scratches given your past parking history."
"Hey; I was sixteen, give me a break."
"I'll think about it," her father quipped.
"Dad," she said; a more serious note in her tone.
"Yeah, Katie?"
"Is it still alright for me to follow you home…you know…peace of mind and all that."
Jim smiled. "Of course it is; we'll say goodnight there."
She gave a nod and a smile; watching from the corner of her eye as he unlocked the passenger door for her mother and then shut it for her before moving around to the driver's side. Seeing her mother safely in the car, she got into her own car and started the engine, waiting for her father to pull out and then following behind him.
Once they reached the house, Kate went as far as the entry way with them, her heart feeling better knowing that the night had gone smoothly.
"Thanks for coming tonight, Katie," Jim said as he hugged her tightly.
"No problem…I…uh, I didn't think I'd have a good time but I did."
"See, it pays to listen to your father once in awhile," he told her with a smile as he released her.
"I'll try to remember that," she said with an amused smirk before turning to her mother and walking into her embrace.
"I'm glad you came, Katie," Johanna murmured.
"Me too…do you feel better?" she asked her.
She breathed deeply. "Yeah; I do…I didn't think I would, but I do. What about you?"
"Yeah, I do," Kate replied as she hugged her tighter. "I love you."
"I love you too, Katie."
Tears pricked her eyes but she blinked them away. "I'll call you tomorrow," she promised.
"Alright," Johanna said, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Be careful getting home…let me know you got there safely, okay?"
"I promise," Kate said. "Goodnight, Mom. Goodnight, Dad."
"Goodnight, Katie," Jim replied; "Don't forget to let your mother know you got home."
"I won't; thanks for dinner."
"Anytime," he told her. "Maybe we'll do it again soon."
She nodded and went back out into the cold, feeling lighter than she had all day.
Jim watched her from the door; making sure she got in her car safely and got on her way before he closed the door and locked it and then turned to his wife, moving towards her and pulling her into a hug. "I'm proud of you," he told her.
"I didn't want to do it…but I'm glad you made me," she admitted.
"I told you; I only do it because I love you."
"I know…and I'm glad. I love you too."
He pulled away, his hand finding hers. "Let's make sure Scarlett's taken care of and that the house is locked up and then go upstairs and watch TV…relax for the night, okay?"
Johanna smiled. "Sounds like a good plan."
Instead of going home to her apartment, Kate let herself into the loft and made her way to Castle's office, hearing the soft clicks of the keys on his computer.
"Hey," he said in surprise as he glanced up and caught sight of her.
"Hey."
"Are you okay?" Castle asked; studying her intently but seeing that her features were void of the heaviness they showcased earlier.
"Yeah; I am," Kate answered. "Thank you for giving me my space; I appreciate it."
He nodded. "I try to give you what you want, Kate."
"I know; and I just want you to know that when I ask you for it; it's not me saying that I don't want you; it's me asking you to help me in the way I need to be helped. Sometimes I need to work on things alone; and sometimes I need to work something out with someone else…and I think you'll find if you can take that not as an affront but as my way of knowing what I need to get better; you'll find that I'll be more willing to be open about it when I'm feeling more in control of it," she told him. "Do you understand what I mean?"
"Yes, I do…and I'll try to do better and not jump to the conclusion that you're pushing me away."
"That's all I ask."
He gave her a smile. "Are you staying tonight?"
"Yeah," she said as she pulled her phone from her pocket to send her mother a quick text letting her know that she was safe.
"What did you do today, if it's okay for me to ask?"
"I did mundane things like laundry and straightening things up at my apartment; and I cried, and I wallowed and drank wine, watched TV…and then I went to dinner with my parents."
Castle's brow rose. "Your dad got your mother out of the house?"
"Yeah…there's a minor dispute about whether he literally pushed her into the car, but she went…and he, uh…he talked to us about things we need to do and how we need to get through this day in better ways; and I'm going to admit right now that there may be times when I just need to do that with them, Rick."
"I can understand that, Kate."
She nodded; feeling weary. "Can we talk about it more tomorrow? I'm not avoiding it; I just…I'm tired."
"Yeah; we can talk about it tomorrow. Do you want to watch a movie?"
She sighed softly. "Honestly; I know it's early, but would you mind if I just went to bed? This day kind of drains me and I feel a lot better now after spending some time with my parents but it's starting to hit me."
Castle rose from his chair and moved toward her, capturing her lips in a kiss. "If you need to go to bed, then go to bed; it's fine…and I'm sorry I pushed so much."
"It's okay," she smiled. "We'll learn as we go."
"Katie got home safely," Johanna announced as Jim entered their bedroom and sat down on the edge of his side of the bed to take off his watch.
"That's good."
Johanna abandoned her seat at her vanity and made her way to him, settling down on his lap, meeting his eye as she did so. "You've been so busy taking care of us that I haven't gotten to ask you how you are," she said softly; "And I should've done that sooner."
He smiled as he shook his head. "You have acknowledged that the day is hard for me too."
"I know…but how are you?"
His thumb brushed across her cheek. "Sweetheart; as long as I can see your face, I'm fine."
She kept her gaze pinned to his. "I feel the same way about you…thank you for tonight."
"You're welcome; you know I'd do anything for you."
"I know; and I'd do anything for you."
"I know."
"So do you feel better?" she asked.
He smiled; his head lowering as he gave into to the urge to press his ear against her heartbeat. She threaded her fingers through his hair, allowing him to listen for a few minutes without remark.
"What can I do to make you feel better?" Johanna asked softly after she felt enough time had passed.
Jim drew in a deep breath, inhaling her scent as he tightened his hold on her, his lips skimming against the soft material of her nightgown that covered her heartbeat. "Just let me hold you all night and I'll be fine," he said quietly.
"I don't have a problem with that; no matter what the date is," she replied softly; her fingers slipping from his hair to skim his face, her lips capturing his in a long slow kiss. "I love you."
"I love you too," he replied before stealing one more kiss.
"Anything else I can do for you?" Johanna asked; "Besides the holding…and making you a nice breakfast in the morning since I fell down on the job today."
He smiled. "You're allowed to take a day off once in awhile."
"But still," she said; "I'll fix you a nice breakfast tomorrow…anything you want."
"Waffles?" he asked.
Johanna nodded. "Waffles, bacon, and scrambled eggs."
"Sounds good," he smiled.
"But what about tonight; anything else I can do to make you feel better…help you breathe easier tonight?"
Jim shook his head. "I just want to do what we do on any night when we decide to come up here earlier than usual…hold you close, watch some old TV show, talk about unimportant things and eventually fall asleep together."
Johanna gave him a smile; he wanted the normalcy that he had been speaking of earlier. "I think we can do that; whose turn is it to pick a show?" she asked as she maneuvered herself off of his lap and onto her side of the bed.
"You can pick tonight," he told her while shifting into his own spot and settling back against his pillows.
She grabbed the remote from the nightstand and flipped through the channels on the television until something caught her attention. "Oh look, it's Alice," she exclaimed; "I haven't seen that in a long time."
"Me neither," Jim replied, a smile touching his lips as he looked at the old sitcom on the screen.
Johanna curled up against his side, laying the remote down on the comforter. "Remember when we would watch this all the time when we were dating?"
"Yeah," he said warmly. "It came on on Wednesday nights; that's the night I always stayed at your place."
"Mhmm."
"You'd make dinner and sometimes we'd do a little work and then we'd curl up on the couch together and watch TV for a few hours…it would be nice and cozy."
"It was…and we always agreed on this show," she said in amusement.
He chuckled. "You're right; we never had to debate this one. I like it; it's funny. My favorite waitress is always going to be Flo though; especially when she tells someone to kiss her grits."
Johanna laughed and he reveled in the sound. "She's my favorite too," she replied.
"You always said their pink uniforms reminded you of the one you wore as a waitress."
She nodded. "It was exactly like that."
"I bet you were cute," he teased.
She smirked at him. "I got pinched a few times."
"Well don't worry; the only person allowed to pinch you now is me," Jim said lightly.
Johanna smiled but her gaze turned serious. "Thank you," she murmured.
"For what?"
"For making that black cloud go away…I don't like being trapped under it."
"I know; I'll always pull you out from under it," he stated, taking her hand and bringing it to his lips for a kiss.
"I'll do the same for you."
"I know you will."
Her gaze met his once more. "We're breathing again?" she asked softly.
Jim gave a nod. "We're still in the learning stages but I think we are…and by this time next year, we'll be breathing even better."
"I hope so."
"We will," he said confidently. "Now let's watch our show and go back to lighter topics that won't invade your dreams tonight."
Johanna smiled and settled snugly against him once more, his arm around her securely. They were learning…but for once she felt like she was breathing easier on this day and he gave her hope for a future where it would be even easier…where she could just breathe and let it go; cherish her second chance instead of dwelling on what she lost that day. They would learn and January wouldn't steal their breath again; she had faith and she had hope…and most importantly; she had Jim and Katie to get through it with and they had her. They'd make it…just like they always did.