CHAPTER 28

It is a rare occurrence that she and Jack see each other at Maura's house, like maybe the doctor makes a concerted effort to keep them apart - just as she does - to separate those two pieces of her life.

She doesn't know why that would be, really. Maura never seemed to have any problem parading men in front of her before. Unless it is to spare her feelings, she wonders, but that might imply Maura knows something and it feels too much like wishful thinking again to pay it much mind.

Yet, one week after her return to normal duties, she passes him on the front step.

There's a dark scowl on his face as he exits and, though she doesn't care to stop and exchange small talk, she's taken aback by the sneer he throws at her as she walks by.

Stalking inside and slamming the door, she finds Maura busy in the kitchen. "What was that about?" she asks, eyebrows high as she discards some belongings on the table before turning and tearing off her suit jacket.

Maura doesn't really answer and doesn't look around either. Just waves a hand as her back is turned. "Nothing. Is spaghetti okay?"

"Yeah," Jane frowns as she grabs a beer from the fridge and takes a seat at the island. The food smells delicious and her stomach grumbles. Whatever follow up question she was going to ask melts away, afraid that it might spoil the meal they're about to have. But, she reasons, she's definitely going to pick it back up later if an appropriate moment presents itself. Most definitely. Whenever she gets chance.

She thinks about trying to start up a conversation several times during dinner, just doesn't know how given the testy air of silence that hangs around Maura. She wonders why she was invited in the first place, or if it's simply whatever had happened with Jack earlier that is the problem.

"I'm probably just gonna head out," she says, feeling awkward but trying to sound casual.

Maura starts to clear their plates into the dishwasher as she picks up her jacket. "Why don't you stay tonight?"

It's really the last thing she expects Maura to say and so she stammers for a second, trying to respond.

"Come on, Jane. You rarely stay over any more."

"Yeah, well… It's no fun being a third wheel," she jokes instinctively, kicking herself for sounding so sarcastic.

It's not really a joke. Her discomfort at being in the same room as Jack was always very real. Thinking about him now generates a similar sensation and she keeps her eyes anywhere but on her friend.

"You could have just said you didn't like him," Maura says, not unkindly but with a definite edge to her tone.

"No, I couldn't," she chuckles as she throws on her jacket. "Anyway… I didn't dislike him exactly. I just…" She flicks her hair out and straightens her collar. "Sometimes the way he treated you didn't sit right with me."

She can feel the intensity of Maura's gaze from across the kitchen island.

"I broke up with him," Maura informs her, so matter-of-fact it almost conceals all of the hurt Jane can hear in her voice. "He came in here with tickets to a show, trying to make up for standing me up yet again."

"Maura, I'm so sorry," she breathes, looking up as realization sets in.

The blonde sighs hard and runs her fingers across her brow as she looks away. "It's for the best, really. He wasn't the one. I knew it -" she pauses, meeting Jane's gaze in a way that makes her swallow hard and she has to look away "- I think I've known it for a while now."

Maura moves around the island and perches against Jane's vacated stool.

"He's -" she says with a little shrug and a head shake as if searching for a word. "- nice." For a woman of such intellect, it's a strikingly lackluster choice. "The wonderful gifts… everywhere he took me on our dates…" She shrugs again and sniffs, her look of sadness suddenly morphing into stoicism as her back straightens. "It was all too good to be true. He didn't really care for me - that should have been blindingly obvious each time he ran when his ex-wife called - and yet I couldn't see it. But you could, couldn't you. You just said as much."

"I dunno. I mean... maybe I did, but I -"

"Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," Jane snips as she goes about collecting her discarded belongings from the entryway table. It's about as close to the truth as she's ever gotten and even that small admission makes her nervous. Best to deflect with a dash of humor. "I didn't interfere in your private business because I am not my mother."

But Maura isn't swayed, and sounds even more serious all of a sudden. "You haven't been able to look me in the eye since I told you I wasn't seeing him again. Why is that?"

Shit.

She stops dead by the front door. Drops her head in frustration and sighs hard. "Maura -"

"I should inform you -" the blonde starts, one finger held aloft as she stands "- that, generally speaking, there are only two reasons why someone won't look you in the eye. The first involves hiding a lie, the second hiding a -"

"Love," Jane blurts, talking over her friend. "Yeah, you told me that already."

Maura's brow crinkles, confused. "What? When?" Jane gulps, but Maura barely pauses before moving on. "You know what, never mind. If you keep insisting you're telling the truth, then you're forcing my hand."

"I just -" Jane tries as she sweeps a fingertip over one of her eyebrows. She doesn't know what to say and feels strangely cornered. Yet, here she stands, right by a doorway, a means of escape, and she can't use it. Knows that running away won't save this situation from developing into something potentially harmful to their friendship.

She grits her teeth, but nothing prepares her for Maura's final shot. It is a crinkled yellow post-it note retrieved from her trouser pocket, placed onto the island counter with a resounding slap, which cuts her off at the knees.

"Jack dropped this before he left." Maura stabs an angry finger at the note. "This is your handwriting, correct?"

"Maura, I -"

"My dry cleaner found this one," she spits, taking a worn and faded napkin from her other pocket and slamming it down on the counter too. "All this time?... All this time I thought I had found someone who – who… and it was you?!"

"I just wanted you to be happy. I never meant to -"

"Lie to me? To get Jack to lie to me? Make me look foolish in front of EVERYONE?!"

"It wasn't like that -"

"Then what was it like?"

Jane plants her hands on her hips as she continues to stare at the ground. Shakes her head, too scared to look up. Tries valiantly not to cry, knowing full well that her silence speaks volumes.

"Well?... The truth, Jane!"

She is caught. And though her habits scream otherwise, there seems no point in denying it any more. Jack is gone and she is so, so tired of pretending.

"Jane," Maura prompts and her heart sinks. "I need to hear it from you. Why would -"

"Because you met Jack and... you were so happy with him that when it seemed like you hit a rough patch I made a choice -"

"You helped him."

"I put you first!"

"But why would you do that?!"

"Because I love you!" she yells, feeling something inside her break loose.

"You -?" Maura croaks, her voice barely a whisper as everything no doubt clicks into place. "How long?" the blonde chokes, suddenly spilling enough emotion to make Jane look up. "How long ha–have you-"

"Hard to say…" she mutters, giving a light shrug. She tries to ignore the way the blonde holds a hand over her heart, feeling the exquisite agony of having made Maura cry. Wetness gathers along her lower eyelashes and teeth chew at her lower lip as she turns her face upward and examines the ceiling for a moment as she considers the question.

When she finally speaks, it is through a long, drawn out sigh. "Two years, seven months, and one week," she says with another tiny shrug. "Give or take." She knows it's wrong, she can't do that kind of math in her head like Maura can, but it's close enough.

"Give or ta -" Maura scoffs under her breath, throwing her hands up. "What the fuck, Jane?!"

That definitely gets her attention, because she can count on one hand the number of times Maura has dropped the F-bomb. Palms out, she tries to fight the fire that has been sparked by her deceit. Though she's not sure why it comes as such bad news. If anything, it should be a compliment, shouldn't it? "Maura, I'm sorry, I -"

"No wonder you were such a bitch to any guy I brought home!"

Wow. Okay. A second curse word in under a minute makes Jane's eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. "Now, hold on… I haven't done anything wrong here -"

"You just lied to me for two and a half years," Maura shrieks.

"Okay, that – that…" she stammers, holds aloft an index finger of her own as she concedes, "I did do that. But, so what? Keeping my personal feelings private isn't a crime, y'know."

This isn't going at all well and it feels like a good time to leave.

"All this time?" Maura exclaims. "All this time, and I - we could have…"

Jane turns back, curious. "We could have what, Maura?"

But the other woman just waves a dismissive hand and turns away, seemingly overwhelmed.

Fuck it, she thinks, terrified, but already too far out on this shaky, lonely limb.

"You want the truth?" she sniffs, cursing herself as her voice breaks. "I'm in love with you, Maura. I never saw any point in saying it out loud." She shrugs. "In making a fool of myself when there was always some… Jack, or Ian, or Dr. Slucky in your life."

When the words reach her own ears, they're sharp and accusing and that wasn't her intent. So, with regret, she rolls her shoulders, slips off her suit jacket again and lays it down on the arm of the couch. She takes a couple of quiet, measured steps toward the blonde and softens her husky voice, determined to convey exactly what she means.

"The truth is... I have dreamed of you, Maura. Of us…for so long."

Maura turns, face streaked with tears in a way Jane never wants to see.

And all she can do is provide an adaptation of the actual truth. She has to tell Maura… something, something honest, but in a way that doesn't sound crazy.

"Somehow, it became… real to me. In here." She taps her temple. "I can kiss you in here, and know how it feels. Hold you. Touch you…" she trails off with a whisper, hears Maura's breath hitch clear as day. "I know how perfectly we fit together. I know it. Because, we already fit together as friends. But that's all you ever saw me as -"

"Not always -" Maura sobs, and Jane freezes as the blonde shakes her head. "But you were so wrapped up in Casey. All the back and forth… the proposal… I couldn't -" Maura pauses, takes a deep breath and seems to swallow down some difficult emotions. There's a sad smile as she gets herself under control. "Whatever I felt seemed unlikely to ever be reciprocated so I just… packed it all away." She shrugs. Gives a little head tilt that clearly says the process was much easier said than done.

Wow. Is she dreaming again? Because she could have sworn Maura just admitted to having feelings for her in the past, and it seems much too good to be true. "Maura," Jane breathes, closing the distance by another couple of steps.

"If I had known -"

"It's not your fault," Jane insists with a forceful head shake as she removes the last of the space between them. "Please don't blame yourself."

Maura cups her cheek and in a second she has the doctor pushed up against the counter, their bodies pressed together. Hazel eyes lock on to her gaze as a hand runs up and down her bicep. Whatever passion Maura claims to have locked away is freed, clear as day in the thump-thump within her chest and the hitch of her quickening breath.

"But all this time, you -" Maura whispers, cut off by Jane's mouth.

"Yes," she mumbles, the words muffled and smudged by a searing kiss. "… all this time."