CHAPTER 9

"Stop biting your nails," said Matt. I wasn't even aware that I had been chewing away at the nail on my middle finger of my left hand. I tucked both of my hands underneath my thighs and stared straight ahead at the television. Matt had been watching some program for the last forty minutes, but I had no idea what it was about. My mind was elsewhere.

"Maddy! Would you stop fidgeting?!" Matt was practically shouting now. "I'm sorry! I can't help it! Why didn't you ask him what this was all about before you hung up? All this nail biting and fidgeting is your fault!" I was only half kidding. "Baby, your Dad sounded perfectly calm. Nothing about his voice would lead me to believe there is anything wrong, so relax." I hated being told to relax when I was anxious. It only made me angry and more anxious than I was to begin with. I also knew my father well enough to know that when he sounded calm was usually when he had the worst news to break...like when Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I changed my position on the couch so that my knees were on the cushion and I could look out of the living room window. It was a grey Chicago day, typical for February. The kind where the big wet flakes of snow kept falling, but not accumulating. Lake Michigan usually dumped several feet of lake effect snows during this time, but it had been unusually warm this month.

"Tell me again why I came back to Chicago to work instead of somewhere warm?" Matt was too involved in his TV program to answer me. Besides, I already knew the answer. My father's heart attack. I came back to take care of him. I wouldn't have done it differently no matter how much I complain about the winters in Chicago.

"Think of it this way, if you had gone somewhere warm, we wouldn't have found each other again." He was looking up at me now, with those big blue-green, puppy dog eyes of his. His lips were wet and parted in a half-smile, showing off his perfect teeth. "True, that." I said as I straddled his lap and kissed him. His mouth felt warm and inviting, his kiss was soft and loving. I loved him so much, sometimes it made my heart hurt.

"Promise me that we will never lose each other again, Matt." He looked at me sort of funny, like he wasn't sure if I was serious or not. "Promise me." I repeated.

"I promise that we will never lose each other again. Ever." he added, emphasizing the last word. He shifted sideways, laying on top of me on the couch, covering my face with soft kisses. I wrapped my legs around him and held onto him tightly. I felt unsettled despite his reassuring words and attention to me. It was as if he had an invisible rope tied around his waist and I could feel him being tugged away from me for some unknown reason.

"Matt…" My voice was barely audible. I ran my hands over the side of his neck and onto his shoulders, feeling his warm skin under my fingers. My eyes clouded over, fighting back tears that I couldn't explain. "Baby, what's wrong?" Matt's face expressed worry mixed with some confusion. "I don't know." I felt desperate for something, but had no idea what it was that I needed or was trying to express. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry, to run or to keep holding onto him. My head was full of emotions that were swirling together and could not be separated. I felt like my life as I had come to know it was about to spin out of my control and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"You're scaring me, Maddy." I was scaring myself and had no idea why any of this was happening.

"Make love to me, Matt…" was all I could think to say. I needed to feel close to him, closer than we had ever been before. I needed him to reconfirm his love for me with more than just words and that nothing would ever break the bond we had shared since we were kids. Before he could say anything, I reached up to kiss him. He didn't respond to me the way he normally does when we kiss each other. His lips were dry and his body felt stiff and awkward under my hands.

"Maddy, baby…" Before he could finish his sentence, the sound of a car pulling into the driveway stopped him. He lifted his head and looked out the living room window. "Your Dad is here...with two other people I don't recognize." My heart rate skyrocketed as I shifted into panic mode. Maybe I had been right after all. Overthinking definitely had its advantages. I was always thoroughly prepared for the worst.

I managed to maneuver myself out from under Matt and made my way to the front door. I watched as my father paused in front of his car to talk with the two other mystery guests he brought with him. One was a tall, thin woman with porcelain skin and auburn hair that came to her shoulders. She looked about my age, maybe a year or two older or younger. It was difficult to tell from a distance. She was dressed in a green wool car length coat, dark blue denim jeans and black cowboy boots. She kept her hands in her coat pockets while she listened to my father. The other person was a short, portly man with round glasses and a goatee. He had more hair on his chin than he did on his shiny head, which had a few thin strands of brown combed across it. He was dressed in a tan overcoat, that was open to reveal his outfit...a dark blue pinstripe suit, white shirt and blue tie. Tucked under one of his arms was a worn leather satchel. In his other hand, he held a cigarette from which he took occasional puffs before stubbing it out on the ground with the heel of his black leather shoe.

I had never seen either of these people before and I racked my brain trying to figure out how they knew my father and why it was necessary for them to come with him to our house. Matt breezed past me, opening our large oak front door as my father and our unknown guests made their way up onto the front porch.

"Jim...nice to see you. How have you been?" said Matt. "Oh, I'm fine...just fine, Matthew, my boy." My father's stock answer, especially when something wasn't really 'fine'. The man and woman dutifully followed my father into the foyer, standing there in a somewhat polite, but awkward, quiet pause.

"Daddy, what's going on? Why are these people here?" I finally said, breaking the silence that hung heavy in the air like a thick coating of ice over our heads. "Baby girl...these folks are friends...friends of the family." His voice sounded weak and there was a slight sense of hesitation in the way he spoke. "This young lady here is Audra Walker...uh, I mean Audra Bennett….Audra Bennett Walker." He was stammering like he wasn't really sure who she was or what her name was. "And this is Geoffrey Harrison...Dr. Geoffrey Harrison." The woman approached me cautiously, but gave me a tentative hug. "Hi, Madeleine." she said. Dr. Harrison nodded politely. Matt extended his hand to him, then to the woman, introducing himself. "Why don't we all have a seat? Can I get anyone a drink? Coffee, maybe?" asked Matt.

The my father and his entourage made themselves comfortable in the dining room while Matt ushered me into the kitchen.

"Do you recognize either of those people, Maddy?" asked Matt while he put a few scoops into the coffee maker. "Nope. Neither one of them. Maybe they were friends with my family when I was a child." I pulled down a box of chamomile tea from one of the cupboards and stuck a bag of it in a mug before filling it with water and popping it in the microwave.

"That woman looks about your age. Do you remember her? Maybe an early childhood friend?"

"No, Matt. Neither of them look familiar to me, but what's really got me puzzled is why my father would bring them here with absolutely no explanation. I'd like to know what the hell is going on." Matt placed the full coffee pot and four mugs on a tray and walked back into the dining room. I followed him, hugging my mug of tea close to my chest, like a good friend. For some reason, I wished Em were here. She always seemed to be able to make sense out of the things that made no sense to me with simple explanations. Matt tended to overanalyze, even more than I did, and that always drove me nuts. Em could cut to the chase in a matter of a couple of sentences, even if they peppered with the F-word and weren't always grammatically correct.

As Matt poured out cups of coffee for our guests, I decided to take Em's place and cut to the chase. "Could someone please explain to me what is going on here? I feel a little like a rat in a maze that's been backed into a dead end." No one made a sound, which made the moment even more awkward than it already was, until my father cleared his throat and began to speak.

"The reason these people are here, baby girl...well, it has something to do with you. Your past. Something you may not fully remember. It happened a couple of years after you graduated from college and moved to Texas. Do you remember that much?" My mouth and throat went dry, despite having taken big gulps of my tea. Texas. I remember some things about my time in Texas, things that I had hoped Matt would never find out. The last few months I lived there weren't exactly my finest.

"Yeah, I remember Texas, some things anyway." I said, keeping my head turned down looking at my mug of tea. I could feel Matt's eyes burning a hole in the side of my head, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I felt sick to my stomach, knowing that the thing I had kept secret for so long was about to come out in the open. I had tried to tell Matt a couple of months ago, but talked myself out of it. I was paying for that now.

"Do you remember Jackson Walker?" said Audra, her eyes seemed to be pleading with me, hoping that I would say that I did.

"Yes, I remember him." My voice was barely audible as soft tears rolled down my cheeks. Matt grabbed my hand and held it in his. The look on his face was a mixture of concern for his visibly upset wife and total confusion at the entire conversation.

"I'm married to his older brother, P.J... Preston, Jr. Do you remember me now?" I stared at the ivory skin of her face, her green eyes and red hair, hoping that something would spark my memory. "I'm sorry, I don't."

"Who exactly is Jackson Walker?" Matt's voice broke the softness of the conversation. He was the only one out of the loop here and his frustration was coming to a head.

"Matthew, there's something...I mean," I stammered. "Let me, baby girl," said my father, sensing that this was going to be difficult for me to say and for Matt to hear.

"Matt, when Maddy graduated from college, she moved down to Odessa, Texas." Matt sat there silent while I fidgeted with the buttons on my sweater. "Before I say anymore, Matt...you have to understand that Maddy was a mess after you disappeared. She nearly died from that broken heart you left her with. Now, I know that wasn't entirely your fault, son. Circumstances being what they were, I know a lot of things were out of your control." Matt's face grew more solemn with each word my father spoke. I had an aching, empty feeling in my stomach as I looked at him.

"Yeah, they were. Maddy knows that. We talked about all of that several years ago."

"OK, that's good to know. Anyway, she moved to Texas to take a social worker job at one of the grade schools in Odessa. I forget the name of it." My father rubbed his hand over his face. I could tell this wasn't much easier for him to say than it would have been for me.

"It was Barbara Jordan Elementary," I interrupted. Matt's head snapped around as I spoke. "You remember that?" he asked, sounding surprised by my sudden revelation. I nodded yes. I started to say more, but my father stopped me. "Let me do this, baby girl." I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater. "No, Daddy...it's my story to tell. Matt deserves to hear it from me." Still holding my hand, Matt's eyes burned a hole in the side of my head while he waited for me to speak and end the mystery. "Promise me you'll let me get all of it out...all that I can remember of it...before you say anything. Promise me, Matt." My voice was shaky but stronger than I expected it to be. Perhaps the finally lifting the cover off this burden on my shoulders was a greater relief than thought it would be. Matt nodded in agreement.

"I met Jackson Walker on Spring Break of my senior year in Mexico. He was working as a bouncer in a bar Cancun for a friend of his, during his leave from the army. I've forgotten the man's name now, but I suppose that's not important in the scheme of things. I remember not wanting to go anywhere for break, given the circumstances, but looking back, it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. The only thing that tops it was finding Matt again and marrying him. That was the only thing I ever wanted to do and when that was taken away from me when Matt disappeared, it nearly killed me." I pulled my hand out of Matt's grip to wipe the tears off my face. He immediately grabbed it again when I laid it back in my lap. "I'm so sorry, baby…" he said in a soft voice, squeezing my hand tightly.

"Anyway, we spent most of my vacation together in Cancun. In that two weeks, we learned everything there was to learn about each other. I told him things that I had never told anyone before. After spending the previous four years in a deep depression wondering what had happened to Matt, meeting Jace, that's what I called him, helped the fog to finally lift. I opened up to him and and let him in and my world suddenly became brighter." Matt cleared his throat and I felt him shift in his chair. His furrowed brow and stern expression were almost enough to stop me from saying anything further. I wasn't sure if he would be able to handle what I was going to say next. I took a deep breath, pulling the courage up from somewhere so I could continue.

"There is no other way to say it, but we fell in love. I had shut myself off and hadn't connected with anyone in so long that it came as a complete shock. I thought I would never love anyone again after Matthew and I felt such tremendous guilt for being attracted to another man. But he opened my heart and I gave myself to him in every way that I could. He was my first lover," I said, no longer able to hold back the flood of tears behind my eyes. I looked up at Matt, who was crying too. My heart ached for him, having to hear all of this now.

"After I graduated from college, I moved down to Odessa like Dad said, not only to take the social worker job, but to be with Jace. Not long after I got to Texas, we...got married. We lived in a house that Jace had built for us on his farm for retired race horses." Matt's hand stayed firmly around mine, giving me the strength to go on, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him or anyone else. The guilt I felt for not telling Matt this sooner hung so heavily over my head that I couldn't lift it up. I kept my head low as I continued.

"We hadn't been married for long, only a four or five months I think, when Jace was called into active duty for his first tour in Iraq. I moved out of our house and into the main house with Jace's parents while he was away. It was during that time that I found out I was pregnant." I felt Matt's hand slip away from mine and my heart sank. I knew that given our present circumstances, this part was going to be difficult for him and me. "Even though the timing wasn't perfect, we were both ecstatic at the news. When his twelve weeks were up, he came home and we immediately started to renovate one the bedrooms in our house into a nursery. We made so many plans in the two months he was home…" My voice drifted off as I felt another rush of tears welling up. I could almost hear Matt's heart cracking. I know this had to be killing him.

"I was a little more than five months along when he was called back to Iraq for his second tour. Being separated from him was difficult, but his parents took good care of me and made sure I had everything I needed. Jace and I would talk on the phone whenever we could, which helped, but he sounded tired and worn down most of the time. He kept saying he wanted to come home to be with me when I had the baby. I wanted that more than anything, too, but we both knew that we may not be so lucky. His tour was up very close to my due date, but the likelihood that he would be state side by then were slim. I kept telling him to keep his head down and concentrate on staying safe and that he'd be home soon enough. One of the last times I talked to him, I was at my obstetrician's office having an ultrasound and we found out that we were going to have a girl and that she was perfectly healthy. We both cried, we were so happy. When we talked again a few weeks later, he said his division was heading to Fallujah and would be off comms for a while. There was an Iraqi soldier, a sniper, who had eluded capture for months and they were being sent in to dispatch him. His last words to me were 'I love you so much, Cookie. I miss you real bad, but I'll be coming home to you and our baby girl soon.''

"His last words?" Matt asked. His voice was tentative. I nodded yes, but couldn't speak. The horror of the memory I had kept inside me was now staring me straight in the face.

"Jackson was killed in action in Fallujah, Matt. Maddy was notified only a few days after they had talked that last time," my father said. Matt's arms rested on his knees and his head hung low. I couldn't make out what he was thinking or feeling.

"I was standing at the top of the staircase in the main house when the officer and the Army chaplain came to the door. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew by the way Jace's mother screamed that it was bad news. Jace's father called me to come down the stairs, but I couldn't move. I was frozen. I said 'Jackson is dead, isn't he?' He said, 'Yes darlin', he is.'" I blacked out after that and fell down the stairs. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital several days later with mine and Jackson's parents at my bedside. They told me that because of the fall the baby was delivered early, but she was too little and didn't make it. I don't remember what happened after that. That's where my memory stops." I could no longer hold back the sobs that were begging to be let go. The tears came relentlessly as I covered my face and leaned against my father for support. My life as I had known it for the last few years was about to become unravelled.