CHAPTER 11

Almost a week had passed since Audra Walker and Dr. Harrison had visited us. Matt and I had hardly spoken of it. Whenever I brought it up, he'd either change the subject or tell me to do whatever I thought was right. He hadn't been his usual supportive self. I knew he was wrestling with his own demons over this whole nightmare. He'd become withdrawn and had picked up a couple of extra shifts. He had said all the right things to me after everything had been brought out in the open, but now he'd had several days to let it all sink in. The reality of it may have hit him now.

The drive home from Lakeshore seemed longer than usual. Maybe I was less tolerant than usual. I pulled into the driveway, pleasantly surprised to see Matt's truck parked in front of the house. He'd left for the firehouse at the same time I left for the hospital. I hadn't expected to see him until tomorrow morning when his 24 hour shift was up. I walked up the front steps and unlocked the front door. I stepped inside to be greeted by a large suitcase placed in the foyer. As I shuffled through today's mail, Matt came down the stairs and dropped a duffle bag on top of the suitcase.

"Hey," was all he said. "That's a lot of clothes for an extra shift. Are you picking up more than one?" I asked. Matt scratched his forehead, but didn't look at me. "Not exactly," he replied. "What's going on, Matt?" I asked. He put his hands on his hips and looked up at me.

"Look, we were handed a bombshell a few days ago. I've tried my damndest to process through all of it...what it means to us...what it means to Audra and Dr. Harrington..and Harper, of course, but to be honest, there are some things I just can't get past. At least not right now." I took a deep breath and folded my arms across my chest. I knew this was coming. I just wasn't sure of when it would rear its ugly head.

"And they are…?" I asked.

"The secrets and the lies," he said.

"I never lied to you, Matt, because you never asked me about any of my life after you disappeared. You have no idea the hell I went through, wondering what I did wrong that made you drop off the radar. I was afraid to tell you about losing a baby. That's why I kept my marriage to Jace a secret. I told you that."

"I know...I know all that, but I can't get it out of my head. If you kept that a secret, what else haven't you told me? On top of all the drama at the firehouse, it's just a little too much to deal with right now."

"So, what are you saying, Matt...that you've never had a secret in your life? Is it over between us because you found out that I fell in love with someone else after you disappeared and left me alone with no answers? Or is it that I had a baby with him while we're struggling to have one of our own? Or is it that I didn't spend all the those years pining and waiting for you by staying a virgin? Explain it to me because right now, you're sounding a lot like an narcissist jerk who preferred that I not to move with my life until you miraculously showed up."

"For Christ's sake, Maddy...no, that's not what I'm saying…" he was almost shouting now. He grabbed both of my arms, his face only a few inches from mine. "I love you. That hasn't changed. I just need a little distance from this right now."

"You need distance? Jesus Christ, Matt...do you think this whole thing has been a picnic for me? Do you honestly think that hearing my daughter, a daughter I was told died at birth, is still alive hasn't rattled my world too? I'm just as shocked as you are! But you need distance while I go through one the most difficult things I've faced in my life...something that I need the support of the people I love to help me through? Oh, that's rich Matthew. That's really rich. Let's just make this bombshell all about you and forget that I'm struggling with the same goddamn things that you are…" I was beyond angry and my voice shook with emotion. How he could turn this all around and make it about him when I was just as shaken as he was to learn all of this. Goddamn him.

"Maddy, please... but I think it's for the best that we put a little distance between us for a while…just while I clear my head," he said. "Like you're the only one who needs to clear their head…" I said.

"You know what I mean, Maddy. I'll be staying at my old place for the time being while I'm picking up all these extra shifts. I'll have my cell phone if you need me," he said. "I need you now, Matthew...to be here with me to help me through this...but that's where you failed. This isn't just my decision to make, but you're washing your hands of it as some sort of punishment, so I guess you're not leaving me much of a choice." I said.

"I'll call you," he said, as he raised his mouth to kiss my forehead. I immediately pulled away from him.

"No, Matt...you don't get to kiss me after this..and don't bother calling me. You want distance, then that's what you'll get...distance." He nodded his head in defeat, picked up his bags, opened the front door and closed it gently behind him. He hadn't pulled out of the driveway yet while I dug through my purse, looking for something specific.

"Where the hell is it? I know I put it in here." I muttered out loud. Finding what I was looking for, I grabbed my cell phone and sat on the couch, dialing the numbers on Dr. Harrison's card. I never felt more sure of anything in my life as I did right at this moment.

"Hello? Dr. Harrison? This is Madeleine Casey….I'm fine, how are you? Good, good...listen, I wanted to tell you that I've decided to go ahead with the bone marrow donation for Harper. Yes, I know...given the circumstance, it was the only decision I could come to. Yes, of course...if you give me the oncologist's number, I can set up the testing right away. OK, I will let you know when. Thanks…" I ended the call with Dr. Harrison and immediately began to dial another number. I waited impatiently as it rang several times before it was finally answered.

"Hey, Em...you wanna take a trip to Texas with me?" Her enthusiastic 'Hell yes!' assured me that someone out there was capable of loving and supporting me unconditionally.