CHAPTER 14

"You need to tell Casey you're knocked up, Mads. He's sure to come back," said Em.

"Em, you know I want him to come back home, but not because I'm pregnant. It has to be because he wants to come home...that he reconciled whatever was going on in his head and he's ready to admit he was an asshole for leaving in the first place," I said. Em and I had been back in Chicago for less than a week and she had bugged me every day since to tell Matt that I was expecting a baby. Her intentions were good, but definitely misguided.

"But he deserves to know he's going to be a father," she countered.

"And I deserve a husband that's fully committed to me and doesn't run away when things get tough! Jesus, Em...whose side are you on, anyway?!" She never stood up for Matt. This was totally unlike her.

"I'm on the baby's side," she said, almost too softly to hear even though she was standing in front of my desk in my office.

"I know, Em...but I also know you understand that it's a little more complicated than that," I said, as I came around to stand beside her. She looked sad, sadder than I had ever seen her before. I gave her a big hug.

"I can feel your bulge," she said, wiping her nose on her sleeve. I let my hands caress the little bump that had already begun to make an appearance in my belly. I tried in vain to hide it by wearing flowy tops and tunics. I didn't want anyone else at work to know besides Em. I couldn't risk being questioned and word getting back to Matt before I had a chance to tell him and God knows when that would be. After two years of trying, I should have been shouting it out to the world but the circumstances wouldn't let me.

"I haven't heard from Matt since we got back from Texas, Em. I don't even know where his head is at right now," I said.

"Goddamn him for doing this," she said. "His timing couldn't be worse."

"The only thing I can do is pray that he comes to his senses, realize he's acted like a jerk and comes back home on his own. Are we clear, Emily Keira Morrison?" I asked in an accusatory tone. It would be just like her to let it slip out in conversation with Kelly, who would most definitely tell Matt. I wanted her to know that she needed to her to keep her mouth closed about all of this.

"Yes, we're clear Madeleine Elizabeth Casey. I'll keep my big cake hole shut," she said, reluctantly.

"Good...now get back to work," I said, guiding her out of my office and closing the door behind her. I needed to concentrate on catching up on all the work that had stacked up while we were in Texas and so did she. It wasn't often that I pulled rank on Em, but sometimes it was necessary. I sat back down at my computer to finish typing up the large pile of intakes that occupied the top left corner of my desk. I pounded away at my keyboard until the stack of intakes was complete then glanced at the desk clock. It was 12:30. I should have known by my stomach's resonated growling that it was lunch time. I grabbed a ten dollar bill from my wallet, opened my office door and looked for Em, but her cubicle was empty.

"Anyone seen Emily?" I asked the other social workers. They all told me no they hadn't. "If she comes back, tell her I went down to the cafeteria to get lunch." I walked out into the hallway and pushed the elevator button, calling it to go down. The cafeteria was located in the basement of the hospital and I hated taking the long walk down the dimly-lit hallway that led to it, especially alone. I made my way through the food line, looking for her but she wasn't there.

"Have you seen Emily Morrison yet today, Flo?" I asked the cashier as I paid her for my ham & cheese on a hard roll, mandarin oranges and chocolate milk.

"Not yet, Mrs. Casey. Funny, cos she's usually been here at least twice by now," she answered. I took one more glance around the room before heading back up to my office. I noticed that she still wasn't in her cubicle when I opened up the door to my office.

"God knows where that woman is, Mrs. Casey. She could be anywhere," said Mary, our department secretary. I smiled and nodded my head in agreement. I sat down at my desk, unwrapped my sandwich and took a big bite of it. I had eaten the same thing for lunch every day this week. I had probably consumed three gallons of chocolate milk since coming back home and the coolness of the mandarin oranges helped to soothe my often upset stomach after spending most mornings vomiting into various toilets from home to here. Contrary to how I had pictured it, I was not going to be one of those glamorous pregnant women. I certainly wouldn't be posing for any magazine covers with my boobs and belly exposed, claiming it was "artsy". More than likely, I would be one of those women who gained sixty pounds, waddled like a duck and looked like a beached whale.

"CODE RED ALARM ACTIVATION...GROUND FLOOR...CAFETERIA...CODE RED ALARM ACTIVATION...GROUND FLOOR CAFETERIA….CODE RED ALARM ACTIVATION...GROUND FLOOR ...CAFETERIA…"

A code red meant that the fire alarm had been activated in the location specified by the system, either manually or automatically. In the past, the fire alarm would go off in the cafeteria kitchen on occasion when the deep fryers would overheat. The Ansul system would be activated and the Lakeshore emergency system would call the fire department.

"Shit," came out of my mouth at the sudden realization that Firehouse 51 was on automatic mutual aid for Lakeshore in the event of a fire. Ambulance 61, Squad 3 and Truck 81 would all be responding, which meant Matt would be rolling up any minute. I could hear my staff beginning to panic in the outer office as the fire doors began shutting automatically throughout the facility.

"Hey guys...GUYS! Calm down! That's just the fire doors doing their job. The fire is on the ground floor and everyone needs to stay put until the fire department gives us the all clear! Mary will be coming around to each of you to sign the log. This isn't the first fire alarm you've been through. You all should know how this works."

I told Mary to bring the completed log into my office once everyone had signed it, then went back to my desk to finish my lunch. Before I could sit down, I heard the familiar sirens of Truck 81 as it rolled up to the hospital entrance below my office window. I felt a lump form at the back of my throat as I watched Matt climb out of the Lieutenant's seat on the passenger side of the truck and stop to talk with Chief Boden and Kelly just outside the entrance to the hospital. It was the first time I had set eyes on him in over two weeks. I was still hurt by what he had done, but my heart nearly exploded when I saw him. He had acted like an asshole, but he was my asshole and I loved him. Part of me wanted to run to him and tell him everything, but the other part of me wanted him to come begging on his knees for forgiveness. Realizing that neither was likely to happen, I sat down at my desk. My ravenous appetite had all but disappeared, so I picked at the rest of my food while I typed up a couple of memos and sent a out a few emails.

"Here you go, Mrs. Casey...signed, sealed and delivered. Everyone is accounted for, except Ms. Morrison," said Mary, as she handed me the completed fire log. Just as I was filing it away, the voice from the overhead paging system announced...

"CODE RED ALL CLEAR...PLEASE RESET ALL FIRE DOORS...CODE RED ALL CLEAR...PLEASE RESET ALL FIRE DOORS...CODE RED ALL CLEAR...PLEASE RESET ALL FIRE DOORS…"

I felt a rush of relief knowing it was over so that my staff could relax and get back to normal. "OK, guys...that's the 'all clear', so get back to business." As I turned to go back into my office, Em suddenly burst through the department door like a bullet out of a gun.

"Don't worry, ladies...I've got everything under control. I brought back one of Chicago's bravest with me, so there's no need to worry," she said, as she made a beeline for me. Just a few steps behind her, Matt walked into the outer office.

"Look who I ran into in the elevator," she said.

"Jesus, Em...you never think, do you?" I practically ran back to my desk to sit down just in time as Matt appeared in the doorway. "Can I come in?" he asked, sounding more sheepish than I had expected. The angry look on Em's face was enough to make anyone proceed with caution. "Morrison…do you mind?" The scowl never left her face as she walked out of my office. Matt closed the door behind him and stood in front of my desk.

"Hey," was all he said. "Hey, yourself," I replied.

"You look tired, Maddy. Are you OK?" he asked.

"Well, the last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful. I'm not exactly wearing it well," I said.

"I guess that's my fault, right?" he asked. "Not here, Matt, please…" I said, not wanting to get into an argument at work.

"Sorry," he said, scratching his forehead just above his left eyebrow. "I tried calling you a little over a week ago, but you didn't answer."

"Yeah, I was...uh...out of town," I said.

"So…did you go to Texas then? How did things go?"

"You know, Matt...all of these questions wouldn't be necessary if you hadn't left," I said. The happiness of seeing him was quickly replaced by resentment. I felt my anger begin to rise unexpectedly.

"I know...I know…" he said in a quiet voice. "I just miss you." I felt the lump in my throat again.

"Yeah, well...if you had stayed home instead of bolting…" I broke it off before I could finish, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

"You don't miss me?" he asked, sounding like child. "Of course I do, Matt...but I'm not the one who left, am I?" I shouted.

"Jesus, this is no good," he said, turning to leave. I wanted to stop him from going, but I couldn't. If I had stood up, he might see that I was pregnant and I didn't want that to be the reason he came back home.

"Maddy?" he said, pausing in the doorway. "Yeah?" I replied. "Never mind," he said. I couldn't look at him as the tears that had been threatening to fall were rolling down my face now.

I sat at my desk with my face in my hands, motionless for what seemed like forever, until I glanced at the clock on my desk. It was two o'clock. For the next three hours, I busied myself with the intakes that my staff of social workers had completed, correcting their spelling and grammar before submitting them into the system. Many of the patients at Lakeshore needed services once they were discharged from the hospital, especially the elderly ones. It was always sad to see someone who had lived an entire independent life now having to rely on social programs to help them. I did take a little comfort knowing that they would be taken care of once they were home.

When five o'clock finally rolled around, I shut down my computer, filed the last few intakes in my drawer to finish tomorrow, clicked off my desk lamp, grabbed my coat and purse and headed out. I was locking my office door when Em came up behind me.

"Feel like some company tonight?" she asked. If the truth be known, I wanted nothing more than to be alone tonight. The events of the day and Emily's surprise Matt attack had left me feeling raw and a little angry with her.

"Not tonight, Em. I just want to get home, take a warm bath, have a cup of green tea and eat a little something before crashing into bed. Some other time, OK?" I answered. "Yeah, sure," she said, hanging her head and looking sullen. I knew she meant well bringing Matt up to see me, but she never really gives any thought to how she could have seriously screwed things up even more.

I drove home in one of those tired trances where you're oblivious to honking horns, being stalled in traffic and remembering exactly how you got home. I could keep my mind occupied at work with no problem, but once I was home it was a different story. Reminders of Matt were everywhere in the house and in the grey of an early spring evening, everything appeared a little more somber and lonely than it had earlier in the day. After a quick bubble bath, I dressed in leggings and Matt's Blackhawks jersey. I pulled on a pair of heavy socks before going downstairs to find something for dinner.

I rummaged through the refrigerator, grabbing stuff to make a grilled cheese sandwich. It was one of my favorite comfort foods, paired with a steaming bowl of tomato soup. I certainly didn't have the wherewithal to make homemade soup, so I grabbed a can of Progresso from the cupboard. I grabbed the jug of chocolate milk and set it on the tray with my soup and sandwich and headed for the living room to eat. It was nearly seven o'clock and I could already feel the tiredness in my bones setting in. I turned on the TV and watched the news while I ate. After I had cleaned up the kitchen and made myself a cup of green tea, I switched through the channels and settled on one of those maudlin Lifetime movies. I pulled the afghan off the back of the couch, plumped up one of the pillows and settled back to enjoy mindlessness for the next couple of hours.