EPILOGUE
One Year Later
"But I don't want to leave him," I said. I had said the same exact thing almost every morning for the past eight months since I returned to work. Leaving Finn was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do and even though Matt would be watching him today, I still felt cheated that I was missing out.
"I know, baby..but we'll be fine. We always are," said Matt, kissing me on the forehead.
"Yeah, you take good care of him. I know that. I just miss him so much when I have to go to work," I said.
"So do I. It's what we parents do...now get," said Matt. I hated it when he was logical, especially when I wanted him to be completely on my side. I suppose I was lucky. I had only been working 3 or 4 days a week since I went back, which meant I got to be home with him on Matt's days off and Matt took over on the days I worked. Neither of us trusted run of the mill babysitters or daycare. Finn was over a year old and had only been in the care of Matt, me and Em, Kelly and occasionally my father. I had nursed him until just after his first birthday and he was now on whole milk and regular people food, so watching him was a lot easier now than when he was an infant. The days of pumping breast milk were finally behind me.
"Just one more kiss," I said, taking Finn from Matt's arms and hugging him tight. He giggled and squirmed as I covered his face with soft kisses.
"Mommy loves you, Finn. See you later," I said. I handed him back to Matt, then grabbed my coat from the hook in the foyer and my purse and keys from the table and started out the door.
"Hey! What about Daddy? Don't I get I kiss?"
"Of course you do, Daddy." Matt wrapped his arm around my shoulder, then leaned down to place a soft kiss on my lips. I lingered for a few seconds, reveling in the perfection of my husband's mouth.
"Now, scoot...there will be plenty of time for this when you get home," said Matt, patting me on the behind. I reluctantly grabbed my coat, purse, keys and shoulder bag and kissed the baby again before heading out the door. I backed out of the driveway watching Matt make Finn's little arm wave goodbye through the glass in the front door. I fought back a few tears as I made the drive into Lakeshore as I had done every morning since returning to the office. I hated being a working mother and I wasn't ashamed to admit it. I wanted to be home with Finn all day, every day. He changed so much in the months I had been back to work. I felt like I was missing something important in his development every hour that I was away from him. Even though I knew Matt was taking perfectly good care of him, it tore my heart out to leave him. The best days of my life were when Matt and I were both off and all three of us could spend the day together. My heart was never more full than on those rare few days each month.
"Good morning, Mrs. Casey! How's that baby of yours?" said the new receptionist at the front desk. I think her name was Laura, but I couldn't be totally sure. She had a pleasant smile with perfect white teeth and she drew her blonde hair back into a nondescript ponytail. She was a pretty girl and I never understood why someone like her didn't take more effort with her hair. Pulling it back with a scrunchy seemed sort of lazy to me.
"Getting bigger everyday!" I said as I waved and walked past her desk towards the bank of elevators behind it. As the elevator car made its way towards the third floor, I wondered how many other random questions about Finn I would have to field before I was inside the sanctity of my office. Everyone meant well. I knew that. What they didn't know was that all of their questions reminded me that I wasn't home with him. Even Em was guilty of it.
"Morning, Maddy. Can I get you some coffee?" Another new receptionist. I couldn't keep them straight.
"That would be nice, Mary. Just cream," I said as I unlocked the door to my office.
"There are a few phone messages for you," she said. I nodded in acknowledgement, hung up my coat and sat down at my desk. In about ten minutes or less, Em would be bursting into my office to catch me up on all the latest gossip in the hospital; the least of which I was interested in. All I cared about at this point was putting in my six hours, getting the essentials taken care of and heading straight back home to Matt and Finn. I rifled through the pile of phone message slips that Mary had collected and strategically placed in the center of my desk. Most of them were from other Department Heads and pertained to some bullshit that had more to do with them than me or my department. I threw the pile to the side and turned on my computer. I was sure there would be more of the same in my email. Mary came in with my coffee and set it down on my desk.
"Is there anything else I can get for you, Maddy?" she asked. "No thanks, Mary…this will do for now," I replied. I sipped from the big ceramic mug carefully as I searched through my emails, carefully deleting the ones that had nothing to do with me or my job. There must have been twenty of them alone about the fireboard being in manual mode. Who cares? I'm sure my fire captain husband would tear me a new one for saying that.
"Hey, Mads! How's my beautiful Godchild doing?" said Em, as she flew into my office out of nowhere.
"Good morning to you too, Em," I said. I never took my eyes off of my computer screen while I continued to sip my coffee.
"Sorry. Good morning, Mrs. Casey. Now...how's my Godchild?"
"He's just fine. Home with Daddy today while I'm here, toiling away for people who don't really care and missing so much of his childhood," I said.
"Ouch! Feeling a little more maternal today than normal?" said Em. I glared at her over the mug of coffee I held up to my lips.
"Not the least bit funny, Emily," I murmured.
"Fine. New subject. You and Casey got any plans for your anniversary next weekend? If you don't, Kelly and I would like to take you out to dinner," she said.
"Actually, we were hoping to have dinner at The Drake," I said. I braced myself for what was coming next.
"Great! Then Kelly and I can join you!" Again, another glare from over the top of my cup of coffee.
"Em...no offense meant, but Casey and I were hoping to have some alone time...just the two of us...if you don't mind. But thanks for the offer," I said. As much as we loved being parents, it definitely had changed our lifestyle. We found ourselves trying to fit in time just for ourselves and it wasn't always easy.
"OK...no harm, no foul," she said, throwing up her hands.
"Em...I'm sorry. You know we love you and Severide. It's just that…"
"I know, I know...parenthood," she said, sounding rather dejected.
"Yeah...something like that."
"Who's watching the little Finnster?"
"My Dad offered to sit with him. Why?"
"Can't Kelly and I pull a shift with him? We'd love to do it."
"I suppose, but Dad will be disappointed."
"We can do a tag team kind of thing. That way, it'll give your father a break."
"Sounds good to me," I said. She gave me the thumbs up and said she would see me at lunch before she whirled out of my office and back to her desk. I finished my coffee and I worked through the referrals that had come in from the night shift. The ER must have been hopping last night as there were eleven of them in my email. I printed out the forms and assigned them to my staff based on their areas of strength. Some were good with the elderly, while others were good with the homeless or children. Since giving birth to Finn, I could no longer deal with cases that had to do with abused or neglected children. I found myself crawling into a big ball and crying my eyes out every time I had to read one of those intakes. My objectivity went right out the window. As I was filing the necessary paperwork, my cell phone rang. It was Matt trying to FaceTime me.
"Hi, Mommy!" I heard Matt's voice as Finn's little face suddenly appeared on my phone screen, drool dampening his cute little chin as he blew saliva & milk bubbles at me.
"Hi, baby boy! Mommy misses you so much! Are you having fun with Daddy?
"Yep! And Daddy's having fun with me...aside from the very large poop I took after breakfast...but he's recovered from that," said Matt's voice. I couldn't help but laugh at the way Matt tried to make his voice sound like a baby's.
"Yeah, poopy diapers can get to even the best of us," I said. Suddenly, Matt's face appeared where Finn's had been.
"Can you believe the conversations we have now? Jesus, how things have changed over the last year!" said Matt, grinning from ear to ear.
"Tell me about it! Remember when we used to talk about what we were gonna do to each other when we got home...and where? Where did those days go?"
"Buried under poopy diapers, I guess...which is exactly why we need to go out for our anniversary. We need some adult time, baby!"
"We sure do, Captain. Looks like Em and Kelly will be helping Dad out with babysitting duties that night, too. We're covered!"
"That's great, baby. I can't wait to get all dressed up and have you all to myself for the night."
"Me neither. It's been a while."
"It has. I can't believe we've been married almost four years. Where did the time go?"
"I think it slipped away from us while we weren't looking. We've been a little preoccupied over the past year."
"And I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Me neither. See you later. Love you guys." I said, blowing kisses at two of my three favorite men.
"Love you too. Bye, Mommy!"
I reached for the pile of phone messages that Mary had intercepted from my line before I arrived at the office and began to sort them by importance. I made the necessary adjustments to my schedule for changed meeting times and a luncheon with the hospital administrator, divided up the follow-up calls for cases by the social workers that had been assigned to them and the rest were thrown into a pile I decided was "miscellaneous". Translation = I didn't have the energy or desire to deal with them right now. My belly was grumbling and I needed food. My usual lunch date was not at her desk, so I decided to head down to the cafeteria without her. She'd catch up with me eventually. I grabbed some money out of my wallet and headed for the elevators. Just as I pressed the button for the Ground floor, Em's dulcet tones appeared behind me.
"Going to lunch?"
"Yeah, so hungry I could eat my own head," I said.
"Not Casey's, huh?" she smirked. Always twelve years old at heart, this one.
"Oh please. We barely have the time or energy right now. Part of the perils of being parents."
"Oh God...then I am never having a baby. I need my nookie or I become a right bitch."
"Oh my God, Emily...we still have 'nookie', as you so delightfully refer to it. It's just not as spontaneous as it used to be. We have a little one to consider now. It's not just about Matt and me anymore."
"Yeah, yeah…" she replied.
The elevator doors opened on the Ground floor and as we stepped out, Lana Gilligan stepped on. She was one of the nurses that had been working in the NICU when Finn was first born.
"Madeleine! How are you? It's so nice to see you! How's that baby boy of yours?" she asked.
"He's great, Lana. Thanks for asking. He just turned a year old."
"Pictures?" she asked.
"What kind of mother would I be if I didn't have pictures of my baby with me at all times?" I said as I whipped out my cell phone to show her pictures of Finn's first birthday party.
"Oh my God, he is super cute! I can't believe it's been a year already!"
"Me neither. Time moves so fast."
"It sure does. Well, take care Madeleine!" she said just before the elevator doors closed.
"You're beaming," said Em. I gave her a knowing smile as we pushed the doors to the cafeteria open.
"These next few hours can't go by fast enough," I said as we worked our way through the long lunch line.
"You'd really rather be home with the baby, wouldn't you?"
"I'd hand in my resignation today if we could swing it financially."
"Matt's a Captain now. That means he's making more money."
"Yeah, but not enough to make up for my salary if I stopped working."
"You know Casey would do anything for you, Mads. I'll bet if you talked to him about it, he'd be on board."
"I know, but I don't want to put him in that position just to satisfy my maternal instincts. I have to eat this at my desk if I'm going to be done by 3:00 PM." I held up my half cup of cottage cheese and dish of mandarin oranges so Em could see. She reluctantly nodded her head as she sat down at one of the tables in the cafeteria.
Once I was back at my desk, I ate my lunch as I looked through my phone messages again. Nothing seemed pressing enough for me to give up part of my lunch break, until the last one in the pile.
"Please call Audra Walker ASAP. It's urgent. She says there are new developments she needs to discuss with you. Her cell number is the same as it was and she says you have it."
My heart stopped. My thoughts went immediately to Harper. "Please, dear God...let her be alright…" My hands were shaking as I pulled my cell phone out and scrolled through my list of contacts. I held my breath as the phone began to ring.
"Hello?" Audra's familiar Southern drawl filled my ears.
"Hi, Audra...this is Maddy Casey. I got a message that you called. Please tell me that Harper is okay…" my voice was shaky as I spoke.
"Harper is doing just fine, Maddy," she replied.
"Thank God for that. What are the new developments and why the urgency? Finn has been weaned now, so I can donate the bone marrow Harper needs. Is there more to it than that?" I said, my voice still quivering.
"Yes, Maddy...I'm afraid there is. We did find a suitable donor for Harper and she's doing great. Better than ever, actually…" her voice trailed off.
"That's such a relief to hear. Who was the donor?"
"Umm...I don't know how to tell you this, Maddy...it's...umm...it was Jackson." I must have heard her wrong. Jackson was dead.
"You can't be serious. Jackson has been dead for almost twelve years. The Army sent me his death certificate and dog tags…"
"But they never found his body, Maddy. Don't you remember that? He was being held in an internment camp in Iraq all this time. He and several other men that were presumed dead were found by the Army Special Forces Unit almost eight months ago. He's undergone several months of treatment for PTSD...and Maddy….he's asking about you." The last five words hung in the air over my head like a black cloud. I could barely breathe.
"But...I can't. It's not possible, Audra. I'm married to Matthew. I have a whole new life now," I stammered.
"I don't think he's expecting anything from you, Maddy. He knows all about what happened since we were told that he was dead. He just wants to see you. Would you at least consider it?"
"I don't know...I don't think it's a good idea, Audra...it would hurt Matthew...that part of my life is over...Jesus, I can't believe this…."
"Just think about it, Maddy. I think he's looking for some closure, is all."
I ended the call without replying to her. I couldn't process what she had just told me. It was impossible. I buried Jackson and the memories of us a long time ago and it nearly killed me. Learning our daughter was still alive was an emotional shock I will never get over. My life was here in Chicago with Matthew and Finn and it was perfect...perfect until I made this fateful phone call. There was no way I could ever see Jackson now. It had been too long. He had been dead to me for over ten years and I would be damned before I let one more thing disrupt my life...or Matthew's. We had been through far too much in the last five years to allow anything more to hurt us.
"God damn it! How much more am I supposed to take?" I shouted before I put my face in my hands and started to cry. I was interrupted by the ring of my cell phone. It was Matthew calling through FaceTime. I wiped my eyes quickly, hoping my mascara hadn't run too badly.
"Hi baby! Sorry to interrupt you, but I wanted you to see this before you got home…" Suddenly, Finn's chubby little cheeks and bright blue eyes appeared on screen.
"Go ahead, Finn...say it... say it again….who's that?" I hear Matt say off screen. Finn blew a few bubbles as he mumbled a few unrecognizable words for a few seconds.
"Mmmm..mamama...mama…" he said. Tears rolled down my cheeks almost immediately.
"Did you hear that, baby?! He said 'mama'!" I could only nod, totally unable to string any words together, as the tears turned into unadulterated sobs.
"I was showing him a picture of you on my phone and told him that it was Mommy. I nearly shit when he repeated it! I had to call you!"
"I'm glad you did. You made my day," I said, wiping the tears away.
"OK, baby...I'll let you get back to work. See you in a couple of hours. We love you!"
"I love you too...so much…" I said.
As I did every night, I prayed that all that love would protect us. For the last year, it had. Now, there was a new storm on the horizon and I wasn't sure we would survive it.