Warning: Mentions of depression, cutting and attempt of suicide.
Screw Up
The drive to Jody's was nerve-wracking to say the least, but sitting in Jody's living room with his son was even worse. Jody, bless her, had made some chocolate chip cookies after Sam called to give her and the others a heads up on what was happening. The cookies at least allowed Gabriel to focus on something other than the fact that he could either make or break this thing between himself and his son. This was his one chance and he couldn't let it go, but what if he said something stupid? What if he hurt Vali worse than he already did?
"How are the cookies?" Jody questioned on returning from the kitchen with another batch of cookies. Gabe latched onto her voice, using it to pull himself out of his thoughts.
"Awesome," Alex and Dean said through a mouthful of cookies. They were on their fourth or fifth cookie by now.
"How about You, Vali? I wasn't sure what kind you liked."
"Oh, uh…" Vali shifted, not liking all the attention suddenly on him. "They're great," he said at last. "Thanks." Jody sent a small smile his way, noticing how uncomfortable he was. She glanced at Gabriel and the archangel met her gaze with drooping wings. Jody's smile fell and she looked between her knew guest and the Gabriel carefully before clapping her hands together.
"Well, I better get supper ready to go. I'm thinking lasagna? Anyone want to help?" She looked pointedly at everyone other than Gabriel and Vali, but to her surprise, Vali was the one to raise his hand in offering. Jody blinked at him. "Oh…Vali, you're our guest. You don't—
"Its fine," Vali reassured. He stood then. "Where's the kitchen?" Jody pointed at the doorway leading out of the Living-room. "Just down the hall. You won't miss it." Vali nodded and disappeared from the room then, leaving the others to stare after him curiously.
"Well, I guess that works too," Jody sighed. She looked to Gabriel again. "Think you two can cook and bond at the same time?" Gabriel perked up at that and shot into the air, flinging himself at Jody.
"Thank you," he whispered into her ear as he gave her a tight hug. Jody squeezed him just as tight before letting go of the angel. "Go get him, angel." Gabriel nodded and flew from the living room to where Vali was currently exploring the kitchen. Vali looked up at him when he entered.
"It's been a while since I've been in a real kitchen," he revealed. He took a look at the oven then with all its nobs and buttons with slight apprehension on his face.
"It's okay. I'll help," Gabriel said. Vali frowned at that and Gabriel back tracked. "Uh…if you want my help, that is." Vali looked his dad up and down before letting out a long sigh.
"Sorry," he apologized. "Yeah, I'd like the help, Dad." He glanced at the doorway then. "Wasn't Jody going to help?"
"Oh," Gabe said. His wings fluffed up nervously. "She…um….she had to help Lucifer with something. We'll be okay on our own though, I think." He looked to Vali then, hoping that the teen had bought the lie. Thankfully, he did. Vali shrugged to himself and started looking through Jody's cabinets for a pan. Gabriel allowed himself to relax, wings slouching heavily against his back.
"Found it!" Vali shouted suddenly, yanking a large pan from the cabinet above the microwave. A smile was on his face, something Gabriel hadn't seen for a very long time. He didn't know what to feels as he watched the smile curl over his son's lips. Happiness? Glee? Guilt? Vali would have smiled a lot more in his life if Gabriel had only been a better parent. The scars on his arms wouldn't exist and he would have been safe and sound in Asgard or somewhere else other than the streets. Gabriel's wings slumped further along his back, but not out of relief this time.
"Dad?" Gabriel flinched and looked up at his son. Vali was staring between Gabriel's wings and his forlorn expression. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Vali," Gabriel reassured. He fluffed up his wings a bit and flew up from the floor to the fridge, pulling out a container of cottage cheese. "There should be a packet of lasagna noodles and tomato sauce in the cabinet closest to the oven." Vali frowned at the sudden change of topic, but went to get the things his father had told him to. Gabriel watched him a moment before turning back to the fridge to grab the already prepared hamburger.
They were a pretty good team in the kitchen and Jody would definitely be pleased that they managed to keep the kitchen from looking like a complete disaster. Vali was actually a pretty good cook and it wasn't long until Vali and Gabriel were pushing one of the best looking lasagnas Gabriel had ever seen into the oven. Gabriel set the timer when Vali looked at the buttons on the oven again with apprehension and held up a hand to his son. Vali stared at the offered hand for a second before finally giving it a light slap, high-fiveing his father.
"Now what?" Vali asked, looking to the oven.
"We wait," Gabriel told him. "Is there anything you want to do? Hang out with the fam or anything."
"No," Vali said, shaking his head and looking to his dad sheepishly. "Uh…no offense, but I feel kinda overwhelmed around them." Gabriel gave him a reassuring smile.
"Yeah, they have that affect sometimes." Gabriel gave him a reassuring smile. "It's a lot, I know, but they're good people, Vali. You'll find that out for yourself soon enough." Vali nodded, though he didn't look like he believed Gabriel's words. Gabriel sighed and tried to wrack his brain for something to help his son feel more comfortable and at home, but before he could get started a loud noise echoed throughout the house.
"Gabby!"
Vali flinched at the sudden loud noise and stared at the doorway with wide eyes.
"What—"
"Lucifer," Gabriel said. He flew into the air then and rounded the corners, Vali surprisingly following close behind. The cry had come from the bathroom and Gabriel zoomed in to find Dean and Bobby on their knees in front of the tub currently holding a bubble covered archangel.
"Gabby, help!" Lucifer cried, lifting his arms and flapping his wings hard in the water. A wave of water splashed over the edge of the tub at his actions, soaking the two hunters outside the tub. Curses fell from the two's lips and Lucifer stuck a tongue out at the two of them.
"What's going on?" Vali asked, watching as his uncle struggled in the bubbly water of the tub.
"Bath time," Dean grumbled.
"An early one," Bobby added. "Lucifer here snuck outside and found himself a mud puddle."
"Yeah, the others are busy cleaning up the mess he tracked throughout the house." Dean glanced at a bottle of shampoo just out of his line of reach. "Can you hand me that, Vali?"
"Sure," Vali replied. He stepped further into the bathroom and grabbed the soap before handing it over to Dean. Dean took it from him thankfully and squeezed half the container onto the palm of his hand before attacking Lucifer's mucky hair and wings. Lucifer shrieked and thrashed in attempt to get away, pouting at Dean and Bobby pitifully.
"I don't wanna be clean. I like mud," Lucifer complained.
"Well, next time tell you dad to turn you into a piglet instead of a fledgling," Bobby huffed as another wave of water pooled over the tub and splattered his jeans.
"Dad?" Vali questioned. He looked to Gabriel. "You mentioned him before. You said he was giving you and my uncles second chances?" Gabriel nodded.
"Yeah, he turned Castiel, Balthazar, and I first. We were the Guinee pigs I guess. Then, he turned the rest of our siblings." Something glinted in Vali's eyes then, but before Gabriel could question it a loud beeping sound beeped from the kitchen.
"Is that…"
"Sounds like the lasagna is done," Dean said with a wide smile before turning to glare at Lucifer. "Okay, kiddo, let's get this done with so we can eat, yeah?" Lucifer smacked him with another wave of water in reply, laughing as some bubbles got stuck in the hunter's hair. Vali laughed and Gabriel stared at his son wide-eyed. When was the last time he'd heard Vali laugh? It sounded so foreign and yet, so familiar at the same time.
"You boys better go get that lasagna before it burns," Bobby said then, grabbing a towel and tossing it over Dean's head. "We'll meet you there."
Gabriel shook himself out of his thoughts and flew into Vali's arms, tugging the string of his sweatshirt. "Well," he began. "Let's check out your masterpiece."
The lasagna was definitely some of the best Gabriel had ever had and by the moans coming from the others as they stuffed their faces they all agreed too. Dean had praised Vali a few times through a lasagna stuffed mouth and though Vali looked uncomfortable with being the center of attention there was a proud smile on his face.
When dinner finished, Dean and Sam volunteered to wash and dry dishes and the others went off to do their own thing. Well, all except Lucifer and Bobby. The archangel had discovered that lasagna was just as good as mud and had managed to get himself covered in his dinner.
"Hey, Gabe," Sam said over his shoulder as Gabriel padded into the kitchen. "Where's Vali?"
"Alex is showing him how to play Spyro," Gabriel hummed.
"Charlie will be glad to have another gamer in the family," Dean laughed, grabbing a cup from Sam and drying it off before setting it aside. He turned a little to face Gabriel then. "So, how's Vali taking everything? We've been trying to give you two some space."
"He's adjusting," Gabriel sighed. "He's a little uncomfortable, but I think you guys are winning him over. I mean…I've never heard him laugh since…since forever and he did at you and Luci so…"
"At least something good came out of Lucifer's mud bath," Dean sighed.
"How about you?" Sam asked suddenly and Gabriel frowned at the younger hunter.
"What about me?"
"How are you taking all of this?" Sam questioned. "I mean…this can't be easy for Vali, but this whole thing has to be hitting you a little hard too."
Gabriel went silent.
"We don't have to talk about it right now," Dean reassured and Gabriel gave him a thankful smile.
"Maybe later," he decided and the brothers both nodded, though Sam looked a little worried for the archangel. Gabriel knew he just wanted to help, but right now Gabriel didn't feel like talking about his feelings of suddenly having his son in his arms again. "I'm sorry we're not going to be at the house like you had planned," Gabriel said, changing the subject as he watched Sam hand a wet plate to Dean.
"Don't worry about it, Gabe," Dean reassured. "Family comes before a house and Vali's family."
"You guys were so excited though," Gabriel said, wings drooping and Sam dropped the spoon his was washing back into the sink before turning on his heal to face Gabriel fully. He grabbed Gabriel with wet hands and yanked the archangel into a tight hug. Gabriel squeaked at the suddenness of the hug, but Sam only held him tighter.
"We're more excited to have another member of the family and to see you happy, Gabe," the hunter whispered into Gabriel's ear. "It's just a house. It can wait." He pulled back then, grinning at Gabriel. "Speaking of family, why don't you go see how Vali's holding up against Alex?" Gabriel nodded and gave Sam a hug before flying out of the kitchen and into the livng room. To his surprise, Alex was sitting alone on the couch.
"Alex?"
"Oh, Gabe," she said with a wide smile, but it fell into a frown quickly. "Where's Vali? He went to get you to show you his score. He beat Charlie's record!" Gabriel froze.
"I…he didn't come and get me," he admitted and Alex's frown grew.
"What?"
"I…I'll be right back, Alex," Gabriel zoomed from the living room and throughout the house, eyes skimming frantically for his son. The boy wasn't anywhere to be found though. Panic thrummed through Gabriel's chest, but it died when he noticed a shadow in the corner of his eye. Gabriel turned, eyes falling on a nearby window. The archangel peaked through the window, spotting his son standing out in the cold. Vali was staring sadly up at the sky. There were tears in his eyes and the hand he was running through his hair was shaking. Taking a deep breath, Gabriel pushed the door open wide. He wasn't going to leave Vali alone out there, not this time. Something was bugging the kid and Gabriel was going to help him through whatever it was.
"Vali?" Gabriel whispered, stepping outside and walking over to where Vali stood leaned up against the garage. "Everything okay?" Vali jumped and turned, wide eyes staring at Gabriel in surprise.
"Dad?" Wha…what are you doing here?" Gabriel's heart tugged and guilt settled low in his gut, but he forced himself to put on a smile.
"I'm your Dad, Vali. It's my job to be there." Gabriel pressed a hand against Vali's leg and looked up at the pagan. "What's eating at you? Did you get overwhelmed again?" Vali licked his lip and Gabriel noticed that the kid had managed to bite his lip open again.
"I heard you, Sam, and Dean talking a little while ago. You guys should be back home right now, but because of me you're still here."
"Oh," Gabe said dumbly. "Vali, don't worry about it. It's okay—"
"No it's not!" Vali shouted and Gabriel froze in shock by his son's sudden outburst. Vali was shaking and tears were streaking down his cheeks. "I'm worthless, Dad. All I do is cause trouble and mess up things up. In Asgard I couldn't do anything right. In the human world I…" Vali swallowed hard. "I'm a screw up. I should just leave so you and your family can be happy."
"No!" Gabriel shouted suddenly, causing his son to flinch. "Son, no, listen to me. You are not a screw up, Vali. You're family."
"Not a screw up, huh?" Vali hissed. "Name something I haven't messed up then! I'm a shit pagan, I'm a terrible human, and I kept you and your family to going back to your home."
"Everyone makes mistakes, Vali, and fine, some things didn't turn out the way we had hoped today, but it isn't a big deal." Vali folded his arms, glaring at Gabriel, clearly not believing his father. Gabriel sighed and threw his hands upward. "Okay, fine. You want to know what you didn't mess up tonight? You made that awesome lasagna back there, remember?" Gabriel smirked. "I've seen those guys guzzle down food like its candy before, but not like that, Vali. It was awesome. Oh, and Alex told me about you breaking Charlie's high score." He smiled proudly then. "We've been trying to break it for months. You're a freaking hero for that."
Vali sneered. "Yeah, so I can cook and play video games. So what? Those things don't matter. Everything that actually does matter I screw up."
"So what?" Gabriel repeated. "Little things like that do matter. And you want to know something?" Gabriel pointed at himself. "I screw up on a lot of things too. You know that already." He pointed at the house then. "And believe it or not, so does everyone else in that house."
"Dad—"
"No, listen!" Gabriel snapped and Vali shut his mouth. Gabriel swallowed hard, feeling tears prick at his eyes as he prepared himself for what he was about to tell his son. "I let…" He took a deep breath. "I let Castiel get possessed by a demon, Balthazar almost died because I wouldn't believe him about what was happening to Cassie, I couldn't stop several of my siblings from getting hurt and kidnapped by demons, and I left my siblings all alone because I couldn't watch my big brothers tear each other apart." Gabriel was crying softly now, but the pain in his chest was swelling to the point where Gabriel knew it was only a matter of time before he burst. "And that's not even the worst I've done. You know what the worst thing I ever did was, Vali? It was making you feel like a black sheep. You're my son and I…I practically abandoned you." Gabriel's wings folded around his quaking body, but they did nothing to calm him. "If anyone's a screw up its me. I hurt you, my brothers, and so many others, Vali."
"Dad…" Vali whispered.
"That's only me, Vali. Dean, Sam, Castiel, Balthazar, Lucifer, Bobby, Jody, and Alex have all made mistakes too. They all have their stories." He looked Vali in the eye then, blood-shot golden eyes meeting startled blue. "And you know what? We don't care." Vali stared at him in shock and Gabriel forced a smile at his son. "We're family and yeah we're all messed up, but we've got some good in us too. You're good at cooking and you know why that's great? Why it matters? You get to make people smile after a long day with some good food. You made all of them smile today, Vali. That's the best thing you can do sometimes and it really packs a punch. I fuck up a lot, but when I make my brothers smile or the Winchesters laugh I take away some of the bad in them and lose a little bit myself. My dad gave me and my siblings a second chance to make things right and I'm not going to let the chance slip out of my fingers. I'm not asking you to stop hating yourself, Vali. Dad knows I'll never stop hating myself for what I did to you or my brothers, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let it take over my life."
Vali lowered his gaze to his feet, kicking at the dirt and watching it move beneath his shoe. "Then what do I do, Dad?" Gabriel flew into his son's arms then and hugged Vali tight.
"Take your second chance and do the best you can, Vali. Make someone laugh, cook some kick-ass lasagna, get the highest score on every game we've got, and just live. You're not a screw up to me. You know what you are?"
"Your son?" Vali sassed and Gabriel raised a brow at him. The teen sighed and shook his head in answer to his father's question. Gabriel pulled back then and held out his hand. Vali frowned as Gabriel ran a hand over the markless skin, eyes widening when a white scar appeared. "I was in a really dark place once upon a time," Gabriel revealed. "I wanted to end everything and I tried." Gabriel shook his head and smiled up at his son. "Then I had you and…you were so beautiful, Vali. You made me smile again and that's all I needed. You saved me, Vali."
"Dad, I don't…I don't know what to say…" Vali trailed off and silently ran a hand through his father's wings for a second before dropped his hand down to brush against the white scar on Gabriel's arm. "Dad?"
"Yeah, Vali?" Vali smiled at him, pulling his hand away from the scar on Gabriel's arm.
"Think Bobby's glad we decided not to make a dessert for supper? Lasagna will be hard enough to get out of Lucifer's feathers, but can you imagine a chocolate cake or something?" Gabriel laughed and Vali's eyes brightened at the sound.
"Yeah, yeah, I think he's pretty thankful," Gabriel chuckled. "Man, I bet the bathroom is a total mess right now." He paused in his laughter. "Thanks, Vali." Vali nodded and Gabriel started laughing again. He didn't know if it was because of the thought of Bobby struggling with washing up a lasagna covered Lucifer or if it was because he was just so happy.
Vali started to laugh with him after a while and Gabriel closed his eyes, letting the sound drape over him like a warm blanket.
"Dad?"
Gabriel cracked his eyes open again, giving his son his attention.
"Thanks and…" Vali paused, taking a deep breath. "I love you."
Gabriel's mouth fell open then and he let out a choked sound as the tears built back up again. He threw himself against his son's chest and curled his fingers into the fabric of Vali's sweatshirt. "I love you too, Vali," he cried. "I love you so much."