Hello everyone! Happy New Year! I hope everyone has had a fantastic holiday season! This took longer than I had wanted and planned, because I honestly wanted to put this up on the 31st of December to commemorate the 4th anniversary of the fic but life got in the way. Anyhow, I'm here now. So, enjoy and happy 4th anniversary!
PS: Please read the author's note below for important announcements!
Ubeta-ed. No excuses, just unbeta-ed!
Chapter Twenty
Space.
Time.
She asked him for space and time and told him it wasn't forever, but it was hard to keep that in mind and believe it when the seconds stretched into hours, and hours turned into days. It's been two weeks since she'd asked for the chance to be able to heal herself and for time apart. He was trying to accept her decision and respect it, after all, she'd said that it wasn't goodbye, just a brief separation so that they might be able to find themselves again.
He didn't need the time, he needed her, but it wasn't like he could force her to see what he saw. She was her own person, something he had always loved about her, and he needed to see the bigger picture: she was coming back for him, to him, and the end it was them. He had faith in them, it was just hard, and harder every day still, when they were so far apart.
It didn't help that the tabloids had been running stories about them in so far, how they were engaged but kept it hush and now they're broken up. He had been ignoring the stories, as used to them as he was, but it was getting harder. He'd had her by his side when the story of their romance had broken out in the press, a business tycoon falling in love with a mystery woman who turned out to be the daughter of an industrial magnate based in New York—it had been a pretty big deal, after all, and trash-bloids like The Daily Mail had run an article about their relationship thus far, claiming to get inside scoop from their closest friends, though he'd doubted it. They'd been through those and more, had fought and made up, lost and loved together and came out stronger together.
So why was now any different?
In a way, he understood her side. She was so lost, so hurt over everything that he barely knew her anymore. He supposed she felt the same way, she didn't know who she was anymore and needed to find herself before she could find her way back to him. It was just that, he'd hoped they'd be able to find the way back together. He meant it when he'd said that they were stronger together, after all.
But he didn't want to make her stay. Not because he wanted to let her go, but because it was what she wanted, to be free and be allowed to find that path alone, and he loved her, loved her so deeply and so truly that he would never deny her that. He didn't want to be the arms she ran away from, he wanted to be the arms she found her way back to.
And maybe, some day, some day she would. He knew she would.
He just hoped someday came faster, because he didn't know how his heart could break anymore when it's as bruised and battered as it already was.
. . . .
Her heart was breaking in so many pieces, Cora had lost count of the parts she knew she needed to piece it back together.
She knew she was doing the right thing, knew that this was what she needed, as selfish as it was, because it was selfish. It was selfish to ask Robert to let her find herself, and that he waited for her as she did it. It was selfish of her to ask him the time to heal herself when she knew he was as broken as she, and only wanted her near. She knew, though, that despite loving him and being selfish about all of it, she was never going to be able to love him as fully and as completely when she was so torn apart and broken. It wasn't fair to him either.
In fact, none of any of this was fair.
It felt all wrong, to have to sleep at night without his comforting arms pulling her close. She'd been going to bed for a month now without him, after having banished him to the bedroom and then moving out of their house and back to her old apartment at Belgravia, but somehow, knowing Robert was miles away from her made the bed even colder, made her bedside even emptier.
She missed his warmth, missed his embrace, most of all missed him very much, and there was always that twinge of regret twisting at her chest and gut at the thought of what she was pushing away, of pushing him away, but she needed this. And that's what she usually told herself to get to bed.
Despite missing him, however, the pain and the hurt that had prompted her to ask for time apart still gnawed at her, had tethered itself way too deep in her heart that it also kept her awake at night. She knew that every distance she put between them was another piece of her heart she was leaving behind, but maybe she needed to cut her heart out completely and find a way to restart.
Anyway, her therapist that she'd been seeing lately, had advised for her to spend time where she always found the utmost peace, to ponder, to meditate, to find her inner peace, to see if she can let go of her burdens and her anger even just a little. Maybe, by finding herself back in the place where she found the most contentment, she might be able to find a bit of the contentment at all. It was a long shot, she supposed, but any step towards healing was a step towards the right direction, a step toward Robert, a step toward herself again, and at this point, she was willing to do just about anything just to find her way back.
The only thing was that the place she found the most peace was in their summer home in New Port. She often visited there when she was younger, and had gone there every year leading up to her move to London, and her heart had always been so full upon returning to the city, and she just wanted to feel like that again. There wasn't harm in trying, she guessed. It was just that it was such a faraway place from London and she didn't know how to mention it to Robert.
It was hard to tell him that she was putting even more distance between them.
The harder part was that it's been a week since she'd planned the trip and had planned to tell Robert, and she was about to leave in two days and she still hadn't the strength to tell him. She supposed that she should just call him, tell him she was leaving for a week for Newport, and she loved him and she would come back, she just needed this. She needed to do this alone.
It didn't seem promising, she admitted to herself. It wouldn't seem promising to him who's already at limbo where she had unintentionally put him after she'd chosen to put herself first.
There was nothing wrong with that, her therapist had said. There was nothing wrong with putting her welfare first, and wanting to deal with her own grief before she shared a part of herself. It was even healthy, and she can help Robert better. Still, it felt selfish, because they were a team, and they were stronger together.
She comforted herself with the thought that if they surpassed this, there was nothing else that they couldn't make through.
There was no greater challenge for a couple than losing their child, after all, and she knew, she had faith, that they would make it through this.
With that thought in mind, she pushed herself to do what she'd always told herself she was going to do and hadn't: she picked up her phone and dialed her fiancé's phone number.
. . .
Robert had been drowning his sorrows with Jack…Jack Daniel that was, when he'd heard his phone ringing. It was hard for him to locate it at first, with his stumbling drunkenness, and he'd tripped more times than was necessary in his bid to get it, but eventually he did. He slid his thumb across the screen and pressed the device against his ear, grunting a hello, while trying very hard to sound as un- drunk as he possibly could, in case it was Cora or Mama that had been trying to reach him.
Sobriety came fast and hard on him when he'd heard the former's timid response, asking him if it was a bad time for her to call. He cursed inwardly and told her, 'no, of course not. It was never a bad time when it came to her'. He meant it, too, because he would gladly jump off their freezing pool if it meant he would sober up faster and enough to make decent conversation with her. He already hated this stupid separation with a passion, he wasn't going to let any moment or opportunity for them to talk go without a fight.
"Is something wrong?" he asked her when she'd only hummed distantly and didn't say anything else. He knew she wasn't going to call him if it wasn't something important. Out of the two of them, he was more likely to call her, drunk as a fish, and say nothing but he missed her. Come to think of it, he couldn't say he had not done that in the past two weeks at least twice. He would be lying, and it would be inaccurate, he'd called her 7 times in as many days.
"Robert," she breathed, her voice soft and low, and it made his heart lurch, his breath hitch, and he could feel something lodged in his throat, though he could not tell what, and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why such sense of dread filled the air like something bad was about to come.
God, what else did they have to go through?
"Cora," he'd responded in kind, his voice shaking. He was nervous, his heart was thumping so fast and so loud, he wondered if she heard it through the phone. "What's wrong?"
He heard her deep intake of breath and closed his eyes. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good, and he braced himself to hear the worst news. What could be worse than losing his child and losing his fiancé within a span of a month?
"I have been talking to a therapist," she told him slowly, and no, that wasn't so bad. He knew that already, had been informed by Cora herself after she'd decided on it. In fact, Robert had taken it upon himself to get one as well because the faster he tried to sort through his feelings, the faster he could help Cora reconcile her own emotions to the things that had happened. He hummed in response, and then she continued with: "And we have been finding ways for me to deal with…you know, what happened. So that I might find happiness and peace again, and so that we could work things out between us."
"Yes," he said, not sure if he meant 'yes, that's good', or 'yes, please go ahead and end my misery, where are you going with this?'
"I…" and then there was a long pause filled with dead and empty silence, uncomfortable, long and overstretched. "I am flying back to America in two days."
She dropped it on him like she poured ice cold water over his head. His breath hitched and his eyes widened. His heart stopped and it was like everything just stopped. The world stopped revolving around its axis, and time slowed to a halt. The sounds around him became a noisy buzzing in his ear, and he felt like he might never breathe or live again. Did she mean for good? She sounded like she meant to move back for good.
His breath came back when she hurried to explain to him: "For a week or so, or a month at the most. My therapist said I should go back to the place where I used to meditate, where I could find peace and contentment so that I could try to emulate it and embrace it once again. It might help me to be away from London for a while, too, because…she thinks that being somewhere too close to where it happened is affecting my coping mechanisms…something like that."
It wasn't good, and it wasn't something he liked, but it was better than he had originally thought. He had to remind himself that she had promised that the separation wasn't forever, and that she was doing this to find her way back to him. He was her endgame, and she was his, and this…this was just a small bump in the road.
His heart on his throat, he asked her: "When and where is your flight?"
. . .
Cora felt her anxiety build up as the minute ticked by.
It hadn't been such an easy decision to make, and she had been up at night on more than one occasion trying to decide if she was ready to do this, ready to make a step towards healing, towards finding her peace. It was a long shot, that much she understood, it was almost running away from her problems, except she's running after that piece of herself she'd misplaced in all the chaos. She was trying to find some inner peace before she could come back and fully battle the demons plaguing her. It was staying in a place she found calm and quiet before she weathered through the storm that was her emotions.
It was almost convoluted, but she understood why she had to do it, knew that it was what was best for now. Maybe it's not right, maybe this decision wasn't the best one out there (at the back of her mind, she worried about it), but she felt like she needed to do it, to regain her sanity. Being here, being around Robert when she was grieving, was too much, knowing how it must be killing him too, but he was trying so hard to be strong for her. Being around the place where so much pain was caused felt like she can never move on. She knew she would, one day, have to face living in that house if she wanted a life with Robert (an though, right now, she didn't know what the future held for her, she knew that she wanted that with him), she knew she would have to eventually face it all. In order for her to do that, she needed to find herself again, find the happiness she felt like was ripped from her.
Feeling the heaviness of her decision weigh her down, she trudged forward. Her suitcase in hand and her heart left with Robert, she pushed herself forward until she was at the gate where she was going to board. She thought she needed to say goodbye to Robert, but she had done that, had already told him what she needed to say, explained to him why she needed to do this, and though her heart longs to hold him once more before she left, this might be for the best.
"Cora," she heard her name being called, and she looked behind her, finding her fiancé looking at her with glassy eyes.
"Robert?"
. . . . .
"Robert?" she asked, semi-whispering, and her eyes were glassy. She looked so anxious and so surprised, it seemed like 450 different emotions just went through her when she found him standing there.
His heart went to her.
He might not exactly be pleased with this decision, but he understood or at least he tried to understand why she needed to do it. And if it was his support that he needed, then that was what she was going to get, no matter how painful that was to his heart. It didn't matter that he felt as though half of his soul was being ripped apart from him.
He tried to comfort himself with the knowledge that it wouldn't be forever.
But even that wasn't all that comforting—because it might not be forever, but how long would it be?
They didn't know that.
"Cora," he murmured, opening his arms as she ran to him and into his embrace. God he missed her, he misses her and she hasn't even left the country. For the first time in his life, he was seriously wondering how he would survive.
Cora was a part of him that he hadn't even realized he needed until he was almost losing her. He hadn't realized how truly engraved she had been in his life, and how their lives had become so intertwined.
"Oh Robert," she cried, her tears wetting his shirt, but he didn't really even care. "I didn't know if you were coming, but I'd hoped…I wanted to…"
He pulled away enough to tip her chin up and place his finger on her lips. Wiping her tears away, he kissed her slowly, softly, gently, hoping to convey the words he couldn't find, couldn't say. He hoped she knew just how much he truly loved her, how much he'd love her forever…and that he'd wait for her as long as she needed.
"I love you, Cora," he murmured against her lips, not knowing what else to say, hoping these three words were enough, for they could no longer be enough to describe what he really felt for her. He loved her so much, sometimes it hurt. Be good or bad, he loved her.
"I love you too, Robert," she said, and the words were like a balm to his wounds, to the wounds of his heart till she could find her way back to his arm. "I love you so much, I don't ever want to hurt you, but…"
"I know," he cut her off again, not wanting her to work herself up. He understood. He knew. He needed her to believe that. "Cora," he began, his hand falling on her shoulder, and he gripped her tight enough for her to know that his next words were serious and that he would keep his words till his death. "I know, and I understand, now I want you to know and understand this: I'll be here. I'll wait for you to come back, and I'll be waiting for you till you're ready to come back."
She nodded as the tears on her cheeks made tracks.
"I love you," she murmured again, and this time he didn't answer but only kissed her instead—hoping, again, that this was enough.
. . . . .
Cora's flight had gone without a hitch, and on the other side of La Guardia, her mother waited and picked her up. They didn't make much of any conversation, Cora's red rimmed and tired eyes seemingly doing all of the talking for her, because Martha had taken one look at her daughter and kept her mouth shut.
As was expected of her mother, the driver had been waiting and had packed Cora's things at the trunk of the car, driving them out of the airport in no time. The silence had continued until they were in their home, and Martha hadn't even commented when Cora had shut herself in the room to cry.
Martha had never been the affectionate mother, and Cora could barely remember the last time she had cried in her mother's arms. They had made some steps in building a better relationship during Martha and Isidore's visit in London, and they had been calling each other since, updating each other more often, but Martha was still Martha and Cora was still Cora.
Cora knew that her mother knew most of the situation, anyway, and there wasn't much need for an explanation. For now, she needed to be alone. She missed Robert so terribly, that it felt as though her heart was quite literally breaking inside her chest.
Burying her head further into her pillow, Cora cried, unable to hold her tears. She was so confused, and unable to move on from the grief, and a whole lot unsure how to deal with it all.
She's no longer sure that this wasn't just punishment for both her and Robert.
The knock on the door startled her when she heard it, and she sat up on her bed, wiped her tears away and tried to look half presentable. It's Martha, she's sure, and it seemed as though her mother was making more of an effort than she did.
"May I come in?" she heard her mom say through the door.
Cora cleared her throat and sniffled, wiping her tears away. She tried to focus her blurry vision, but the darkness of her bedroom didn't help much with her vision. She felt weary, felt drained and it wasn't just because of the long haul flight. She should be resting, the seven hour flight was no picnic, but her mind was running so fast, and rest felt like it was far away.
"It's open," she called out, hearing her voice break despite herself.
The door creaked and slowly opened, the light from the hall filtering through. Martha's silhouette was clear, though her face wasn't, and Cora waited till her mother came in. The bed dipped when Martha moved to sit down beside her, but her mother didn't make a move to turn on the light.
"Cora?" Martha's soft voice was loud against the silent room.
It took only her mother's voice and then Cora was hurling herself to her mother's arms, her tears starting afresh. There weren't words to convey her grief or describe the pain, and there wasn't a need for any. Martha seemed to just fully understand what her daughter was going through, and Cora was grateful for that.
"I—I don't know what to do," Cora confessed as she cried. The tears seemed to keep coming, they wouldn't stop, and Cora felt like she's slowly drowning and her heart was damn near exploding. "I can't move on. I'm so angry and I don't know to whom, or even why anymore."
"Oh baby," Martha said, her voice full of sympathy and pain. "It will all be over soon, and you'll feel much better.
Cora sighed and tried to will her tears away. No such luck. "Is it going to be over? Is it really going to be over?" She bit down on her lip as a tear slipped past again. She was getting really tired of crying. She never really had the chance to hold her baby, but the pain echoed in her heart as though she'd already had the chance to see and love it—him or her. "I can't think straight, the pain is just too much, Mom."
Martha's arms went tighter around her shaking body, and Cora felt warmth enveloped her, lifting some of the hurt away. She might not be close to her mother growing up, and they might not always agree, but Martha is her mother, and Cora still found comfort in being in her mother's embrace.
"Maybe, then, it's time to stop thinking and start letting your heart take the lead," her mother wisely said.
And what did her heart say?
She knew the answer before she even thought about it.
Robert.
. . . . .
Robert wasn't the one to turn to the bottle to solve his problems, but in this one instance, he wondered if he would find the answers at the bottom of one. And so he sat there on the couch, where memories of him making love to Cora once before in that very spot flooded his memory, drowning himself in a bottle of Jack, hoping against hope that he might find answers, find a way to make this hurt less.
He missed Cora, missed her uncanny ability to just make everything better. He wondered how he could have just taken it all for granted, her love, her presence, and now he wondered how he would go on. Time was a funny thing, and it was particularly funny now how uncertain it could be.
He had to keep hope that Cora would eventually find her way back to him. His own grief didn't even matter anymore, though the emptiness that losing their baby had brought him was severe and palpable, he wanted nothing more than to put her first, to make sure that he was still the one who mended her broken heart. He knew, though, that this was something she had to do on her own this time: mend her own broken heart.
The shrill ringing of his phone brought him back to the present, and he fumbled over reaching for it. He unlocked it and accepted the call clumsily, not even knowing who it was. Whoever it was, it couldn't be Cora, she must be resting. Seven hours on air was no joke.
It wasn't. It was Rosamund, wondering how her brother was faring. If anyone was privy to the heartache that both Cora and Robert was going through, it was Rosamund. She knew better than anyone the pain of losing an unborn child, and she had been such trooper, sympathizing with both Cora and Robert though it could not have been that easy for her either.
"I miss her, Ros," Robert babbled, when Rosamund asked how he was feeling. He knew it was obvious that he'd been drinking, rather heavily too, because his voice was slurred even to his own ears, but at this point, all his care had already flown out the window. "I miss her so bloody much, I couldn't even function."
"Oh, Robert, it isn't the end, it can't be the end of the two of you. You love each other too much," Rosamund said in the way of comfort, but it only brought pain to Robert's heart. For how can love be this painful? "You guys will be okay. It's just a rough patch."
"I feel like I'm grieving over the loss of a relationship as well as losing my child," Robert answered, his tears now on the surface, tickling just behind his eyelids, waiting to pour. God, he hated being so weak, but what to do when tears wouldn't stop coming?
"Robert, it's not…I know more than anyone that there is no test greater than what you guys have been put through," Rosamund began, and it wasn't wrong, not by a long shot. "But you guys will make it. You just need to hold on a little bit more."
"I hope so, Ros," Robert finally said. "I really hope so."
Later, after Rosamund had hung up and Robert had been through 2 bottles by himself, and was positively smashed, he'd picked up his phone and called the number he had sworn he wouldn't. He told himself that he would give her space and time, but his drunken mind didn't really comprehend that.
And so, his loose tongue and drunken spirit did the talking when on the third ring, she picked up.
"Look," he said without any preamble. "I know it's late there, but I don't have half the mind to think about time zones. If I was honest with you, I don't have half the mind to do much. I miss you, Cora, I bloody fucking miss you. And I swore I would give you time and space, and I promise I will, but I need to get this off my chest. I'm in pain too, from losing the baby, and now I'm in even more pain out of fear that I might lose you. And I can't…" he sobbed, far too inebriated to even care anymore. "I can't live without you."
Silence, dead fucking silence from the other line and Robert finished his tirade and breathed heavily. He sighed.
He really should not have gone off on her like that.
"I'm sorry," he slurred, feeling pathetic and very much like an asshole.
"No, Robert, you said what you wanted to say and you have every right to that," she said quietly, finally. It felt like someone punched Robert in the gut. "I'm sorry, Robert. Please don't forget or doubt how much I really love you. This isn't easy for me either."
He knew that of course, and sobriety hit him hard and full force when Cora's words reached his ear. God, he should never drink. There truly was no answer in a bottle of Jack.
"I love you," she added, and then the line was disconnected.
Robert smacked his own forehead and pushed himself back on the couch, throwing his phone somewhere and hearing the satisfying sound of it shattering.
Way to go, Robert. Way to go.
. . . . . .
Cora was at a loss. Although she knew that what Robert said was true, and that they were said while he didnt have full control of himself or his words, but it didnt mean that they hurt her any less.
Yes, maybe she had been selfish, maybe she had not entirely been thinking of what Robert felt about all of it. In retrospect, all of her decisions has been highly motivated by what she felt and what she needed. She had, of course, thought about the long term effects, what would happen to them and their relationship, and what she needed to do to save it, but she hadn't thought about what Robert needed now, and that was her.
Sure, Robert had been more than understanding, and what he had said last night was more likely something he felt but hadn't meant to tell her or let slip, maybe he didn't even meant to feel it. It's more than she could say about herself. But the question remains: how can she give her all to him, when she was as broken as she was?
She needed, wanted, to get over it, to get over her grief, but how? How can she get over the pain that was just too much to handle? She lost her child, a child that she had loved and cared for, despite not having seen or held it yet. It was a part of her that she had now lost, something inside her that she had not had the chance to hold. It was hard. While she hadn't really planned on having a child, her child had come along and she had given all her love.
Her heart hurt just thinking about it.
She knew she needed to work something out soon, to try and find her way back to her old self, to reconcile her old self to the new one, and come out as a better, whole person, but she didn't know where to start. She knew what she needed to do, she just didn't know how.
She hadn't been able to sleep all night just thinking and feeling. And it seemed as though, he hadn't been able to function properly either as he sent her one voicemail after another asking for her forgiveness. He was no longer slurring his words, and what had happened seemed to be genuinely sorry and upset over saying the things he wasn't meant to.
'Im so sorry, Cora, I don't know why I said them. In all honesty, they aren't the words I truly feel or the words I intend for you to hear, but my drunken mind listened to the insecurities I know have no business lingering in my heart. So sorry, Cora. I hope you still find it in your heart to forgive me and come back home.'
She heard the tears in his voice and she felt like a ton of bricks fell right into her chest and crushed her heart. She would be lying if she said that she wasn't upset or hurt by what he had said, but what he had said weren't all lies. So she knew that although it hurts, she needed to suck it up and find a way to get over the pain that struck her and see it for what it is: nothing but merely the truth.
The sunrays hit her face as the sun rose up in the sky. She rolled out of bed and threw the cellphone she had been clutching all night. She had been wondering all night if she should call him back and console him, but she'd been inconsolable herself and she didn't know what she could say.
There was a niggling pain at the back of her head, but she knew it was caused by her lack of sleep. Her muscles were protesting, too, but that was over fatigue. She knew if she could just rest and she would feel better.
But the pain in her heart...that was from her situation with Robert and she didn't know where to start she could fix that.
The knocking on her door startled her back to reality, and she turned her head to the general direction of the door. It was her mother, she knew it. And there was a part of Cora that didn't want to face her, or her schemes for that matter. She didn't want to be dragged back to the outside world.
She couldn't just block out her mother, though, and so she stood up, fetching her robe at the chair and slipped it on, knotting it at her waist. Quietly, she made her way to the door and gently turned the knob.
She was prepared to turn her mother away again and go back to bed to ruminate on the events of last night, but she was surprised to find her father standing there with a solemn look on his face.
"Daddy?" She murmured as her voice quivered and her lips trembled. She had been very good at keeping her tears at bay but seeing her father in front of her, she was suddenly taken back to the times she would run to her father's arms after she would get a scrape or a bump and he would hold her in his arms and comfort her.
"Princess," he said, and it broke the dam that kept her tears from flowing. His voice was soothing and his eyes held so much love for her. There was no pity. Her father knew that she didn't need pity. He understood what she needed at the moment because she was a lot like him. They needed and wanted to solve their problems, not be pitied over heartache. The only difference between her and her father was that, Isidore always seemed to know where to start.
As her tears dropped from her eyes and flowed down her cheeks and down her neck, Cora couldn't hold it anymore. She flung the door open and hurled herself into her father's arms. Her father, though only a hair taller than her, easily caught her and placed a gentle, soothing kiss on her head.
His hand was soothing up and down her back as he held her tighter. Cora didn't know how long they stood there and how long her father had to comfort her as she cried her heart out, but she knew that having her father hold her right then and there eased some of the pain.
"Princess, get changed. I'm taking you out," her father instructed as he eased his hold on her.
Cora wanted to complain, she didn't want to go out. She simply wasn't in the mood bit as her father looked at her resolutely she found herself unable to say much. Nodding her head, she took a step back into her room and close the door to get ready.
She just hoped that she wouldn't regret it.
. . . .
Robert was beside himself.
He had let his mouth run wild and he hadn't thought about the consequences of his words. Sure he felt what he said at the time, but that didn't mean that he meant the words he said.
Loose lips did sink ships, it seemed, and now he was left wondering if what he and Cora once had could still be salvaged.
After all, they were already disintegrating before Cora had even left London. Can last night's event be the straw that finally broke the camel's back? He certainly hope not, but hope didn't hold much. Most times, hope only led to eternal misery.
His lack of sleep that lasted him from the evening till the early hours of the morning had eventually made him crash, and he'd found himself asleep till nightfall that day, and when he'd woken up, it was to a raging headache and an even deeper heartache.
He grunted as he rolled out of bed, feeling like his skull might actually come to part with his head, as it was beating and pounding so much. He really should not have drunk as much, and the momentary panic he'd experienced upon realizing what he had done had now dissipated and left him with a colossal headache he might be fighting off for days.
Regrets, after all, were realized once the deed was done.
Naturally, his train of thoughts led him to last night's spectacle and he turned to his bedside where his phone sat. He fetched it and looked through the notifications, but all were work related, with the exception of Rosamund's message asking him if he wanted to have lunch that day. Rosamund, bless her soul, had been there for him despite this situation being as difficult for her as it was for him.
He hadn't seen her for a long time, and apart from the phone call she'd made asking him about his current state, Robert had avoided her and the rest of his family. He hadn't been in his office either, asking both John and Rosamund to take care of the business meanwhile. Robert was sure that his father was ready to set him on fire for slacking off in his responsibilities, but Robert really could not be assed to give a fuck right now.
He had been holding on to his grief, and had worked despite the death of his own child, wanting to keep going even when the pain threatened to consume his whole being and break his relationship apart. Now that his relationship was seriously barely hanging on, he was going to hide away and not care, nursing his heart back to a workable state.
Did he think he could mend it? No, if he was being honest, then he didn't really think so.
He was half tempted to demand for Cora to come back, to force her, but did he really want that? And after last night's events, he really didn't think he had the right to demand anything.
No, if he wanted Cora back, he wanted her to be back on her own volition, and not because he was dying inside waiting for her. He was going to wait for her, because that was what he promised her to do, and it was not any less than she deserved.
He was toying with the idea to send her another message but his doorbell rang, and though he wasn't really in the mood to see anyone, he went down to see who it was. His guess was it was his sister, finally coming down to check on him, since he not only missed the lunch she invited him to, he also hadn't replied to any of her messages that day. She was probably worried he'd poisoned himself with drinking or he was dead. After all, with his current state, that jump wasn't all that hard to make.
He opened the door slowly, fully expecting his sister, but got the surprise of his life when he found his mother standing there, looking like she was out to send him to his room without dinner for being naughty.
"Mama?" he asked, surprise tinting his voice as his brows furrowed. She must have been sent by Rosamund. "Did Ros send you here?"
Violet's eyebrow rose, and her lips drew into a thin line. "Robert," she greeted cordially, though Robert knew better than to believe his mother's calm and peacefulness at times like this. She maybe calm on the outside, but Robert knew she was not here for peace. "Perhaps, you can let me inside the house."
Robert did not bother to make a reply, he only stepped aside and opened the door to let his mother in. He watched as Violet took one look at the cluttered house, and a look of disappointment and displeasure crossed her face. She didn't say anything though, she only took a seat on the couch.
"So, did Rosamund send you here?" he asked again, fully certain that this was his sister's handiwork.
Violet gave no verbal reply, but she reached to her bag and fished something out of it. She took a bunch of tabloids and threw it on the coffee table. It fell onto the surface with a loud plop, and Robert's eyes widened as he read the headlines.
'Crawley heir on a downward spiral?'
'Exclusive: Robert Crawley and American Heiress Girlfriend now over?'
And many more, all in bold, block letters, and each one not as further from the truth as he liked. There was even a picture of him looking pitiful in his car, driving around when he was looking for a store to buy more alcohol.
Well, there was keeping things low key, and then there was not being able to do that.
"This brought me here," Violet said, unable to hide the fury in her voice any longer.
Robert stood rooted to the ground, not really sure what to say. It wasn't true, of course, he and Cora had not officially broken up, but…they weren't on the best terms either, and after last night, that statement was as questionable as it could be.
"Where is Cora?" Violet continued. As far as Violet knew, Cora had moved back to her old apartment—something about grieving and taking time off—but that was all that Robert had told her. Robert purposely didn't mention the part where she left for the US, and Robert didn't know when she was coming back. "There is an article here that talked about you two breaking off your engagement, and I don't know how that got to the papers, but I want to know how true that is."
"If I told you that I'm not entirely sure, would that stretch your belief?" Robert asked rhetorically, though that was the truth. He really didn't know where his relationship stood at the moment.
Violet's features changed for a split second, but went back to normal. Robert chose this moment to take a seat on one of the couches and let his forehead fall into the heel of his palm. He could feel the migraine he'd been fighting off start to get worse, and the ache in his heart was not getting better either.
"Cora is in the States right now. It was the idea of her psychiatrist to find some sort of peace over the situation by going back to the place that brought her comfort and peace before she came back to tackle her grief. She needed to find peace in herself before she started looking for peace over the situation, or something like that," Robert explained as he massaged the space between his eyebrows. He looked at his mother. "As for my relationship, I think I have blown that one up last night."
He was unable to hide the pain in his heart, and when his voice cracked, so did the dam that held back his tears. His eyes turned glassy and the rim turned red, but he's not entirely sure he had tears left to cry.
"I don't pretend to know all the matters of the heart, but I know full well the pain when it is broken," Violet said, her voice softer, and when Robert looked up, he saw her facial features soften too. Her eyes were even glassy, like she might cry. "This, too, will come to pass, and after the pain leaves, it will leave you with a strength to face another day." She didn't touch him, didn't hold him like some mothers probably would, but her words soothed his aching soul. "I wouldn't worry too much about whatever you did last night. The girl loves you too much, and if you're sincere with your apology, I'm sure she'd be willing to give you another chance. The better thing for you to do instead of worry is to wait for her patiently to come back to you."
That was what Robert was going to do.
. . . .
Father was very secretive about where they were doing, and Cora had a hunch bu she didn't want to ask. She decided to just trust her father. She was already here, she might as well just place all faith on her father. When the car made its final stop, they had been travelling for more or less four hours. Since they left home around eight in the morning, it was just noon when they got there, and they were just in time for lunch.
Isidore stopped at a small restaurant right in front of the beach. The restaurant was in a breathtaking location but not as prime as the other ones around the area, so it wasn't as frequented as the others. Although it was already the lunch hour, the quaint little restaurant by the beach was almost empty.
Cora frequented it with her father when she was younger and they would spend their summer breaks in New Port. It was not far from their house, but it was far enough for them to feel like they can spend some quality time with just each other.
Very much unlike her relationship with her mother, Cora has always been very close to her father. Isidore had always doted on Cora and had always found it difficult when Cora chose to move overseas. It was probably even more difficult for him when Cora had gotten engaged to Robert. To Isidore, it probably meant that Cora wasn't coming back home.
Isidore wasn't wrong, if Cora was being honest. Because to Cora, no matter how bleak her relationship with Robert seemed at the moment, wherever Robert was, was Cora's home. Robert is Cora's home.
"Come along, Princess. Let's have some lunch," Isidore encouraged as the turned the car off and opened the door. He climbed out of the car without another word, fully expecting Cora to follow.
Cora didn't have a choice but to do so. She was far away from New York, and at this point, although she didn't know what Isidore was doing there when he should be in California dealing with business, she was going to trust in him. Her dad has yet to be unable to make a problem go away in Cora's life.
Cora's left shoulder lifted and fell in a half shrug as she unbuckled her seat belt and climbed out of her father's sports car. She followed her father in the restaurant and they sat at their favorite booth. It was not long after the waitress made her way to them to take their orders, and then away again to ring them up.
Her father was quiet, and though this was not all that unusual, to Cora he seemed to always have something to say. Father and daughter had always been thick as thieves and a lot of Cora's interests had been inherited from her father. Although, Cora would admit, that since moving to London, her interaction with her father seemed to be less and less. It wasn't like they didn't want to talk, but Cora suspected that like her, Father avoided speaking to her all that often simply because speaking to each other made them miss each other more.
Cora remained silent, and so did Isidore, as the waitress came to bring their orders and away again to let them eat in peace. Even when they finished, and Isidore paid, neither one of them spoke.
When they finished with the bill, Isidore didn't suggest for them to head to their vacation house here in New Port right away. Instead, he gestured outside where the beach was. Cora didn't argue as she nodded and followed her father out.
As a child, she had loved coming to this beach to play, as a teen she went here to blow off steam when she fought with her mother, and as an adult, she came here to find peace. It was no surprise to her that her dad had brought her there. He knew her well, and knew the significance.
Looping her arms around her father's, Cora walked with him side by side down the shore and asked him what she had been wondering about since she saw him this morning. She hadn't had the opportunity to ask him since he had been quiet during the trip, and Cora had used the travel time to get some sleep.
"Dad, not that I'm ungrateful or what, but I'd say I'm rather surprised. I thought you were in California," she asked. She didn't feel bothered about her father being away for business when she arrived. She understood and didn't expect her father to be at her beck and call despite him doting on her since she was young.
Her father patted the hand that was holding on to his arm. "I have been away for too long, and besides, I didn't want to be away in case you needed me. It's not often that you need my help."
It was true. Cora was always independent, even as a kid. Her independence grew when she moved to London and though she had to rely a fair bit for her education, there were things that Cora had been adamant to pay her own way. When she started dating Robert and then eventually lived with him, she barely relied on her parents at all.
In a way, Cora knew that there was a part of Isidore that hated Robert for well and fully taking Cora away from him. Even just the slightest amount, no matter how much Isidore approved of him.
"When did you get in, then?" She asked, directly ignoring the implications of Isidore's comment. It wasn't much of a big deal. "Mother said your business in Cali was urgent."
"It was," he admitted, nodding his head. "But I have cleared most of it, and your brother is there to handle the rest. You need me more."
Perhaps, her father was right.
"And I got in late last night. Your mother said you were already asleep so I didnt want to disturb," he continued.
Cora nodded and breathed in deeply. The sound of the waves crashing was relaxing, and though it was chilly and the wind beat down on them and lashed on her skin, it was welcomed and accepted. She needed to feel something to know that she was still alive. Even if it was just this.
"My darling, I know what you're going through is tough. I know that the pain is buried too deep in your soul that you can't seem to move past it, but you are strong. You always have been, you just need to find that strength."
Cora felt the tears start to sting, but she held them back. She was too tired to cry.
"I don't know how to start, daddy," Cora said helplessly. For months since her miscarriage, Cora had tried to find ways to heal her broken heart but she didn't know how.
"I reckon you've already started. Isn't that why you're here?" Her father asked frankly. Cora had never thought of it that way. In a way, she knew going to a psychiatrist was her first step, going back to the US was her second, beyond that, she didn't know what her next steps would be. She only knew that her ultimate goal was to go home to Robert.
No matter how dark and murky the path was before her, her destination has always been clear to her.
"I need to find peace in myself before I can find peace with the situation," she said, the mantra she'd been repeating over and over spilling from her lips now. It was logical, and it was true. But was that all that there was?
Her father voiced out the question she just asked herself, and she wasn't sure how to reply. Was there more than what she kept saying it was?
"Is there more anger in your heart than fear?" her father asked knowingly as he turned to her. She kept her hold on his arm even as she also turned. Her eyes were downcast and she didn't want to look at her father, but her father kept a hold of her chin and lifted her head slightly so that they were looking at each other. "Are you angry or afraid?"
She had long since buried the emotions she felt and kept on her anger. She didn't even know anymore. Anger was easy. She could be angry and lash out. She could be angry, not necessarily at Robert but at the circumstance, and she could leave, say that she just wanted to not be angry anymore and find peace. She could be angry, and then she didn't have to deal with the fear that her heart harbored too deeply.
She could be angry, so she didn't have to remember to fear.
Tears came pouring down her eyes fast and hard and she couldn't deal with her own emotions even as she tried to get a hold of herself. She sniffed and clenched her fingers to a fist. She didn't want to fear, but the fear was bigger than hear.
"I'm afraid to forget him," Cora finally admitted, not only to her father but to herself. "I'm afraid to let go of the anger in case I forget. It's as if…I would suddenly find myself asking if it was real or if I had dreamt it."
Holding on to her anger meant that it was all real, because she could feel it. She could feel the literal pain in her heart while she was at war with herself for peace. As long as she remained unwilling to let go, her baby boy was as real as he could be.
"We would have named him Cedro—a gift, because that was what he was to us," Cora said slowly, trying to smile through her tears. "I named him after your own name and Robert's. Robert Cedro Crawley. And now he's gone, Daddy, and I…I don't want to forget my baby."
Isidore's eyes were red. It was the first time Cora had opened up about their plans on the baby name. They hadn't known at the time, yet, what their baby was going to be, but she and Robert had planned for it: Mary Josephine for a girl (named after both Cora and Robert's grandmothers respectively), or Robert Cedro for a boy. It had been a boy, but neither Robert or Cora had the chance to name him that. Even the tomb had said Baby Crawley which had been her own decision because at that time, she wasn't ready or willing to accept the fact that her baby was gone.
Isidore pulled his daughter into a consoling embrace as he dropped a kiss on her hair. "Darling, even with baby Cedro gone, I know…you know… you will never forget your baby. After all, how can you ever forget someone you loved so much?"
Cora realized that her father was right. She could never forget her child. She loved him too much to do that.
"Besides, if you still need something to hold on to, to make sure that your love had not been an illusion or that your child had not been merely a dream, then all you have to do is hold on to Robert. The love you both have for each other is proof enough."
Cora's heart and mind burst open from what her father just said. It literally felt like her soul started dancing for joy, though her body could not follow. It was something she has always known, has always known to be the truth, that her love for Robert and his love for her was enough proof, but now, as the fear in her heart eased, the simple fact that has been staring her in the face all along became clearer.
Cora held on to her father and cried. She felt so much better now, felt that even if she wasn't 100 percent okay, she can start living her life with Robert and conquer the world with him. She can now fight with him because she had started easing the fear in her heart, and that made her stronger. The pieces of herself that she felt had gone and disappeared had slowly started going back to its respective places. She just needed one last thing to make her feel whole again: Robert. She knew she had to help him through his own grief and fight with him, and now she knew she can.
She supposed the psychiatrist was right about one thing, she needed to go back and find her way back to comfort and peace to begin the process of fully healing with the one she truly loved. But it wasn't the place, it was her father. It was just her father and Robert.
. . . . .
It was two days after his mother's visit that Robert finally found the will to go back to work. He'd used the last two days to recuperate and strengthen his resolve. Of course, he was going to wait for Cora, he loved her too much, and when she was back, they could start healing together.
Maybe, they'd even get married.
It was hard to let go of something so good, like the child that Cora had carried in her womb, but he knew that they would one day be able to move on and become stronger as a unit. And then, they could have other children. But that maybe far ahead in the future, and he didn't mind waiting for that to come when it would. All he needed now was Cora.
With that thought, he buoyed himself through the day. It was hectic, the few days that he skipped off work had left him a little behind on the progress that has happened. The business world was ever changing, and it was also fast changing, one day they could have it all, the next everything could just go. He always knew that, and he was very much grateful for the very capable help his sister and John Bates had lent him for the time period he was out. The Crawley business was hard to topple, but even so, these very talented people have helped him maintain their strong position. He was grateful that, despite the exhaustion that came with having to catch up in running his own business, there wasn't more stress for him to deal with on his first day.
That did mean that he was busy for the whole day, and that by the time he was about to go home, it was very late and he was very hungry. He had skipped lunch and dinner in favor of finishing all the workload that neither Rosamund nor John could take on for him.
Instead of heading to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat though, Robert decided to just head on straight home and maybe order take out. If he's not mistaken, there were things in his fridge that he could still heat or cook, or if he was extremely lucky, Mrs. Bird would have something warm and delicious waiting for him at home.
The thought made his stomach grumble.
He parked his car in the garage upon his arrival and then climbed out eagerly, hoping to have something to eat. The smell of something wonderful assaulted his senses once he was through the door, and he smiled lightly. At least he was lucky enough.
Walking in, he went straight for the kitchen, only dropping his briefcase and kicking off his shoes by the door. Once he was there though, he was surprised at what he found that he almost had a heart attack.
He had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. The song playing on the background made him feel like it was.
'Wise men say,
Only fools rush in,
But I can't help
Falling in love with you.'
"Cora?" he chocked emotionally, his heart seemingly lodged at his throat, and the tears suddenly pouring from his eyes.
She turned from where she was currently sitting to look at him. Her eyes were glassy but the burden and pain that once clouded those beautiful blues were gone. Her lovely lips were split in an equally beautiful smile.
"Hi, Robert," she greeted him pleasantly.
On the table were an array of food, all of which were his favorites. He didn't know how she did it, but he knew that she made all of those for him. The table was also covered with red and white rose petals, and there were candles sitting on the middle, the glow of which accentuated the shadows on Cora's face alluringly.
She was so beautiful, he could not believe she was back.
Did this mean that she was back for good?
. . . . .
Cora saw the question in his eyes before he could voice them and though she felt her heart clench from the pain of what she put him through, she smiled reassuringly, extending her hand to him so she would sit in front of her.
"I'm here now, Robert," she said. The words were few and paltry, but she hoped he knew what she meant. She was here now, and she wasn't ever leaving his side ever again.
Her eyes caught the attractive glint of her engagement ring and she knew Robert saw it too. It wasn't much, probably, but she knew that wearing it now, right at this moment, meant more to the both of them that they can possibly explain. It symbolized their past, and how they were going to move forward: together.
Cora watched Robert's slow and deliberate steps to her, and every step was heavy in her heart, though the smile and disbelief in his face made her float. He was happy to see her here, despite what she had done, he was happy to see her. That was more than she could ask for.
When he finally clasped her offered hand, he gasped and his eyes widened. She smiled and stood up, hurling herself into his arms. She wanted to feel his embrace, his warmth, his love—everything he was willing to give unconditionally, she was going to take.
For she might be selfish in love, or when it came to him, but she was willing to give back as much to him.
"Am I dreaming?" Robert asked out loud as he held her in his arms tightly. His lips fell onto her temple as he pressed a kiss there. Cora for her part inhaled his scent and took him in wholly, fully, her heart brimming with the love she felt for him. "Is this real?"
Gone were the fear and anger in her heart, now she only felt happiness and love for him.
God, she loved him so much.
She didn't answer, only pulled back enough to be able to cup his cheeks in her hand. She smiled at him, the tears blurring her vision, but she could map out his face perfectly even if she was blind. She leaned in and pressed her lips against his. She savored this moment, this first kiss after the storm, the first kiss after everything that has happened that didn't have any baggage, just love and acceptance and forgiveness.
It was their promise of moving forward, together.
The kiss was intense as it was passionate, and it lasted till their lungs burned with the need for air. Even then, they parted only to breathe and started the kiss over and over again, until they had their fill.
No, that was a lie: they could never have their fill of each other. But for now, this was enough.
Cora clung to him as she panted, her breath coming in short gasps. "This is not a dream," she told him softly, making him chuckle softly.
No, this was not a dream, this was reality, and it was better than any dream that either of them could ever conjure.
She gave him one sweet, short kiss again and looked him straight in the eyes. Her eyes were glassy and tears threatened to fall, but she tried to fight them.
"I love you, Robert," she whispered, giving him all her heart and all her life with this declaration. "Even in my darkest times, this was the one thing I was sure of. I love you, and I always will. Will you forgive me for hurting you the way I did?"
Robert sighed as he stroked her hair lovingly. "Cora, there is nothing to forgive," he told her honestly and resolutely. She wanted to complain but he hushed her with a soft kiss. "And even if there was, I forgive you. I always will."
"How can you be so good to me?" she asked the question that has been niggling in her heart for so long.
He smiled. "Because I love you, I always have and I always will," he answered, and Cora knew this to be the truth, for she felt the same.
Without another word, she kissed him again. When the kiss ended, she held on to him, holding him close till their hearts beat as one against each other's chest. She clung on to him, and this time, she vowed she was never going to let him go again.
'Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you'
Fin
Author's note:
Hi guys!
If you're wondering if you read right, then let me answer: yes, you have. This is indeed the last chapter of the fic. I know it took so long, and I guess the ending can be somewhat disappointing for some of you, so let me clear things up now before you continue reading. There will be an epilogue. Who knows when I will put that up, but there will be. So you guys can rest well knowing that there is one more chapter awaiting you!
Now, for the more sentimental part of my note, which you guys are not forced to read if you don't like sap, but something I have to do to express my emotions. I have been writing this fic for FOUR long years now, and honestly, I can see where the fault is. I have been very inconsistent with updates and for that I'm sorry. However, those 4 long years of writing this fic has brought me friends that I treasure so much. This story has had its ups and downs, and so did my view of it and my will to write it, but despite all that, you guys have stuck with me and read it. For those who have read it from the very beginning, I love you, thank you so much for the gift of time and dedication. I owe so much to you guys. For those who only started or started late in the game but caught up and followed along this lengthy ride, thank you so so much too. Thank you for your love and support.
Thank you everyone for your belief in me and my writing. I have never really been a fan of my own writing and I have always disliked my own fic but you guys have loved it enough that I started to feel better about it. You guys have loved it more than I could ever do, or ever hope for and for that I am eternally grateful. So thank you thank you!
For those disappointed by my ending this story, I'm sorry but please don't be disappointed for better things are about to come. I had to say goodbye to this in order to work on new and other old projects. So this, I promise, won't be the last you'll hear from me. As long as we're shipping this to dorky adorable couple, we will always see each other again.
Anyhow, here I bid you guys farewell, and I will see you again for the epilogue! Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter as much as the ones before it. Thank you again and goodbye.
Collide, now signing off.