(A/Ns: so you thought i was waiting until after Christmas to update this one? HAHA. ok but i promise, this is the last time you'll read leo crying in this fic. take that how you will. also more Elliot-gilbert bro interactions because This Deserves More.

please leave a review if you can!

content warnings: refs to smoking, drug withdrawal, mentions of addiction, mentions of homosexuality/coming out/homophobia, vomiting, intense crying again, suicide attempt, refs to self harm, suicidal connotations, mentions of schizophrenia, prescription drug abuse, mentions of family death.

disclaimer: i do not own Pandora Hearts)

Chapter 14

"Elliot! Wait up!"

The moment he heard those words, Elliot was struck by a sudden, overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. It was just like things were normal again, and it almost scared him.

Because things weren't normal. No, they were far from it.

For one, he'd spent the entire weekend in a hospital, catering to Leo. Rubbing his back whilst he threw up violently, passing him buckets and towels and tissues, listening to his seemingly endless complaining. It was all he'd done, and to say he'd gotten sick of it would be an understatement, but for Leo's sake, he had to push through. And push through with him.

And, speaking of Leo, that was another thing. Leo was his boyfriend now. This really was something he couldn't get his head around. Everything from that night was a blur, the only thing he remembered vividly being when his father threw him out.

Ever since then, he hadn't been back to his house. He hadn't spoken to his father. He hadn't spoken to Vanessa. Despite that, though, he did have somewhere to go.

Clearly, Gilbert and Vincent had been told, because late yesterday evening, the Sunday before he was due to return to school when the withdrawals were coming close to their peak, Gilbert came to pick him up. It took little convincing to get him to come and stay with his adoptive brothers, temporarily inhabiting their guest room.

And when he woke up this morning, it was the first time he'd felt genuinely refreshed.

Sure enough, Oz bounced up beside him a few seconds later. "Break wanted to speak to you today at lunch. So… hehe, now."

"Why the hell didn't he tell me that in Chemistry then?" Elliot grunted, his mind flashing back to his admittedly lonely Chemistry lesson this morning. Nevertheless, he still spun on his heel, turning back towards the Science block. "Fine. Whatever."

In truth, Elliot was itching to know how Leo was. He hadn't heard from him since yesterday morning. He dreaded finding out why Break had called to see him. Had Oswald heard something again?

Had Leo died?

At the very thought of such an occurrence, his chest tightened, and he had to immediately ban the thought from crossing his mind, or else he'd almost certainly break down, right then and there.

Before he knew it, they made it to Break's classroom. Break, seemingly unaware they'd just wandered in, was standing at the whiteboard, tapping the pen against his lips repeatedly, in front of several complex skeletal formulas which Elliot couldn't even begin to understand. He was deeply in focus, and neither Oz or Elliot dared to speak.

A minute or so later, Break finally pulled the pen away from his lips, wiping out one of the lines and drawing on another functional group. Elliot guessed so, at least.

At that point, he turned his head slightly, a laughing smile tugging at his lips as he pulled away from the whiteboard. "Ah, forgive me for not noticing you. I just had my year 13 class. Lovely students, but some of the questions they dream up are truly perplexing." He gave out another amused chuckle, wandering over to his desk, unwrapping a new lollipop, and gesturing to the seats in front of him. "So, what brings you here on this fine lunch~?"

"Well… Oz said you called me here," Elliot said, hesitantly taking a seat. "Did… something happen?"

The blank stare from Break made Elliot panic for a moment. But, fortunately, a moment later, all his fears were diminished. (Mostly.) "Not at all~!" He smiled, once again. "I was hoping you would have something to tell me."

"Well…"

"I'll take that as a yes then~" Break chimed.

"He…" Elliot started, at first hesitant, but soon realising that he'd already told Break enough of Leo's secrets by this point. "He and his father had a… a really good relationship, actually." At the mere thought of his own relationship with his father, especially right now, Elliot felt his hands beginning to tremble. He averted his gaze to the floor, fiddling with his hands in his lap. "He, uh, woke up from a nightmare at about his death, and he was… pretty shaken. I think… the drugs meant he never grieved fully."

"Upsetting," Break said, and he spoke from the heart. "Ah, I haven't told you about Emily, have I?"

Oz and Elliot stared blankly at each other in sync, and then shook their heads.

"I would rather not go into too much detail, but… she was my younger sister," Break said. His tone was sullen, and nonchalant, and like Elliot, his focus had abruptly shifted to his hands in his lap. "She passed away when I had just graduated. Cancer. Terrible, really. If it wasn't for my partner, I wouldn't have gotten through that period in my life."

"That's so sad…" Oz said, his words sincere. And he wouldn't say it – he'd only discussed it with Elliot once in his entire life – but the conversation regarding family relationships hit extremely close to home for him, too. "I'm really sorry to hear that, Break."

"Ah, there's nothing to be done now, right~?" Break, despite everything, was still able to paint a smile back on his face. "Now, please do send Leo my condolences when you see him later."

"Yeah…" Elliot nodded, sliding out of the chair and beginning to head to the door. A couple of seconds later, however, he halted in his steps. "Wait, how did you know I was going to the hospital later?"

"Fufu, your brother told me~" Break snickered. "Pass on the message for me though, please~"

Somehow, at that, Elliot was just about to crack a smile as well. "Yeah, I will…"

Since temporarily (he hoped) moving in with Gilbert, surprisingly, Elliot hadn't actually gotten the chance to speak to him directly about what had actually happened.

And he could just tell that Gilbert wanted to have this conversation, regardless of how awkward it would inevitably be.

Really, though, he couldn't exactly blame him. Elliot hadn't told him or Vincent anything about why he'd been thrown out. Of course, they'd probably heard about it by now, particularly after offering to let him stay at theirs, but they couldn't have heard Elliot's side of it.

Elliot really hoped they'd be on his side, as well.

Currently, after the school day had just finished, they were in Gilbert's car, driving to the hospital for him to visit Leo again. And each time Gilbert drew in a deep breath, Elliot found himself holding his.

"Look, I…" Gilbert, sure enough, started hesitantly. "I know we haven't talked about this much, but I… think we need to. E-Especially if you're going to be… staying at ours for… quite some time."

"I'd rather go home… well, sort of," Elliot grumbled. Then, he sighed, mentally preparing himself for this talk. "How much have you already been told?"

"Well, your father told me and Vince that you'd… come out as gay, and… that you had something going on with Leo?"

"Yeah," Elliot admitted under his breath, barely being heard. He focused his gaze on the road ahead, rather than risking eye contact with his brother during this conversation.

"Look, I-I know we haven't discussed this much, because… you got back late last night, but…" Another deep breath; Elliot could tell this was uncomfortable for him too. "You could've come to us about it. We were born in this era. Vince got really defensive, actually. He and your father had a large falling out over it. They're still not speaking." Gilbert's next comment was discreet, but still heard nevertheless. "Vince also thought it would be relevant to reveal his pastime of hooking up with literally anyone for information."

Elliot didn't say anything.

"We're okay with it, Elliot. Really. It doesn't matter."

There was no way he was going to get choked up at this again. So, instead of letting his emotions spill, he simply swallowed down the pressure welling up in his chest, waiting until the feeling passed before looking back at Gilbert. He seemed on edge, and Elliot wasn't entirely sure whether it was because of the touchy subject at hand, or something else completely.

"You can smoke if you want to. I don't care." At the very least, Elliot could give him that much. (It was hardly like he wasn't used to it by now anyway.)

Initially, Gilbert appeared startled; only then did Elliot remember he had never personally told him about that. But the look of irritation which spread across Gilbert's face a moment later was enough of a giveaway that he'd successfully put two and two together. Blatantly pissed off, he muttered under his breath, "For God's sake Break, I will get you back for this…" Soon after, however, he brushed it off. "I… had one at lunch, so… I'll be fine. Our father would never forgive me if he found out."

Elliot couldn't help but crack a smile. "That would make two of us."

"Look, I'm sure he'll… come around. Eventually." Emphasis on 'eventually'. "So… you spoke to Break about that?"

"Um, briefly…" Elliot said. "Leo… smokes as well."

It didn't take long for Gilbert to realise he could easily get back at Break. "I'm… guessing he told you about how he managed to quit on his first attempt. And that I, er, failed."

"Yeah…"

"I'm guessing he didn't think to tell you about how he was considerably worse than me," Gilbert grunted. Evidently, these memories frustrated him, but that didn't make them any less true, unfortunately. And the fact that he probably wanted to smoke in that moment most likely didn't help; it made Elliot laugh inside. It reminded him of Leo. "I'm not exaggerating when I say he smoked almost twice as much as me. And he was a pain in the ass when he wanted a smoke, which was literally every hour. And don't even get me started on exams."

"Wow, you… sure do know a lot about him," Elliot said, slumping back against the chair.

"Yeah, unfortunately… but, he's still annoyingly smart. He got a first-class degree. Somehow," Gilbert grumbled, partially jealous but mostly just genuinely confused. "So, did you… tell him that you're gay, as well?"

"Um, yeah…" Elliot confessed sheepishly, fiddling with the cuffs of his sleeves. He felt guilty, ultimately. "Sorry I didn't… go to you and Vince about it. I… was scared you'd go to… to father about it. N-Not that you would, or anything, but-"

"It's fine, Elliot. Really," Gilbert reassured, cracking a smile at him. "It makes sense that you'd go to Break about that."

Only then did it click with him.

"Wait, is…" Elliot began to question, incredibly cautiously. "… Break gay too, by any chance?"

His question was answered by the fact Gilbert seemed hesitant to respond, instead biting his lip and saying nothing at first. "I… look, I'm not really supposed to tell you this, but… yes. Yes he is. He's… actually been engaged to another man for a few months now."

Elliot was speechless. Oh, and he also felt like a total idiot for not noticing the ring.

And for not realising that there were always people out there for him. Oz, Break, Vincent, Gilbert – he could've gone to any of them about any of this, and yet he kept it inside and didn't tell anyone?

It was a shame Leo didn't feel the same way. It was a shame he didn't believe there to be people out there for him.

"So… sorry to ask about this, but…" Gilbert began to ask awkwardly, albeit it there was no way his question would be as awkward as what Elliot had asked him. "What… was Leo on, again?"

"It's, er, a prescription painkiller. OxyContin." Elliot shifted, once again wondering if he should be spilling Leo's secrets to so many people. "He'd… technically been on it since he was 12, I think. His father died, and his relationship with his mother just… fell apart, pretty much. Um, he was also diagnosed with some explosive disorder, as well… but refused to take the meds the doctors gave him. I'm… not surprised he doesn't trust them, really."

At that, Gilbert froze.

Elliot couldn't tell what it was he'd said which prompted the silence. He'd clearly said something which made him uncomfortable. But despite his stares, Gilbert wasn't very encouraged to respond. Instead, he seemed to be thinking intensely about something.

Then, after a long, deep sigh, he spoke. "I'm… look, I probably shouldn't be telling you about this, but… I feel like it's a good time to talk about it." When Elliot didn't reply, Gilbert continued – after enough sharp inhale. "Do you ever notice, maybe… at the end of lesson, Vince takes this… handful of pills? Or… maybe when no one is watching?"

For a few moments, Elliot considered the question in-depth. Now that the memories were triggered, he could recall the multiple occasions he had witnessed it in detail. And suddenly what Gilbert said made sense. "Um, yeah. Well, now that you mention it…"

Silence, again.

"What are they?"

"Well… it's a combination Zyprexa and Risperdal. He's… been taking them for several years now, for a… a pretty severe case of schizophrenia." Sure enough, Gilbert had to pause again, swallow thickly, and draw in yet another deep breath; evidently, this was painful for him to address. "I worry for him, t-to tell the truth. He… never says whether they work or… if he still hears the voices. I don't know if the meds even work. He takes over… three times the dose, I think. So… I'm guessing they don't."

It hurt Elliot to know that yet another person so close to him was struggling with such a major thing. Major, but unrecognised. But at the end of the day, Elliot himself had no clue what this was actually like to live through. Pure hell was all he could fathom; the reality of it probably transcended that. "Has he… ever tried to, um, stop them?"

"Once," Gilbert answered briefly, shifting uncomfortably in the driver's seat as they came to a stop. "He was thrown into the most horrible withdrawal, so… it didn't last long."

"Oh…"

"Yeah…" It was obvious that the truth of the matter hurt Gilbert, as well. "That's… really the main reason I still live with him. I can't trust him alone with the pills."

Elliot fell silent, unable to think of a suitable response one again.

"You can't tell him you know this, by the way," Gilbert muttered. "You're not… technically supposed to know it."

"I won't tell him," Elliot said, as firmly as he could. Then, regretfully, he laughed to himself. At himself. "I think I've already ruined someone else's life that way. I'd… I don't want to make the same mistake again."

It only took five more minutes in the car of silence before they arrived at the hospital, Elliot jumping straight out of the car with a brief thank-you, and no other word.

If it were up to him, he'd have some space. Some space and time alone to let everything he'd just been told sync in. But the fact was that he couldn't. He was here to see Leo; any concerns for his brother would have to wait.

The first thing he noticed which was out of the ordinary was Leo's mother, standing across from Leo's room with her arms folded over her chest. A light tremble in her hands was visible, the worry-stricken gaze spread across her face making Elliot's stomach turn.

Something had happened. It was painfully obvious.

As Elliot approached Emma, she didn't notice his presence until he was within a couple of meters of her. With a visible jolt, she subsequently shot a brief, forced a smile at him, before her face returned to its nauseatingly anxious expression

"Did something happen?" Elliot asked tentatively. Pointlessly. He already knew what the answer would be.

"Yes. He, um… had a slight accident, and then, uh… smashed the IV tube."

Elliot's heart began to thump aggressively within his chest. "What… happened?"

"He, um, he used the broken glass, t-to cut himself," she said, an audible tremble to her words. Her hands shook as well, and like every other time Elliot had spoken to her, tears were visibly brimming in her eyes. "He was taken in for emergency stitches, and they're just cleaning now, but he's… remained conscious, so he's been pretty explosive, hence I'm… out here."

"I'm… sorry to hear that." It sounded rubbish, but Elliot genuinely couldn't think of anything better.

Emma fell silent for a few moments, carefully selecting her next few words, before lowering her head to the floor. "He… the cut was down his wrist, so I… I think it was a suicide attempt."

At that, Elliot physically felt his heart drop into his stomach.

Leo had… really tried to end his life.

The guilt he'd felt before was in no way comparable to how he felt right now. He hated himself for just knowing about the drugs. It felt like yesterday he'd discovered them.

It was his fault. All of it. If it wasn't for him ratting him out, he wouldn't have had to detox, and go through all of this.

And he wouldn't have been reduced to nothing but suicidal thoughts.

Nonetheless, Elliot still couldn't convince himself that this wasn't worth it. Leo deserved better than a life like this. So what if this happened in the process?

If he could finally lead a normal life, once this was all done, then it would all be worth it.

"I'm… sorry to hear that," Elliot murmured. "I really hate to… to think about what he must've been going through, t-to do that."

"I'd rather not know, to be honest," Emma said sheepishly. "He texted me his confession this morning."

Elliot blinked at her, confusedly. "Sorry?"

"He told me everything, in a text," she explained, slipping her phone out of her pocket, and then holding it out to him. "Here. You… you should read it."

"Um, t-thank you."

Cautiously, Elliot took the phone, his gaze immediately dropping to the solid paragraph of text.

[From Leo, 10:34]
i know this isn't something you're expecting to receive, and i know it's bullshit doing it over text. but the reality is that i can't face up to everything that's happened in person. the first thing i need to say is sorry. i'm sorry for everything. i never meant for any of what happened to happen the way it did, but the fact is that it did happen. do you remember oxycontin? the drug i was given for back pain? yeah, well apart from the heroin, it was actually oxy. it was the oxy which took over my life for 4 years. i dont want to go into all the details here, but one thing led to another, and soon enough, my use and abuse of the painkiller had totally spiralled out of control. my tolerance went up and up and up and eventually i had to start injecting the drug. i never really wanted to be high, but it got to the point where the only way i could avoid withdrawals was by injecting them. im sorry about everything. the money, the stealing, the lying, the smoking, the arguing. i've been the shittest child you could have ever had. i know that and i dont deny it, and i deserve none of the help im getting. but please help me. i cant get out of this alone. i need actual help, and therapists, and medication. im beyond sick of living my life as an addict and i cannot do anything else other than beg for help. i hope you receive this message. even if it's the last thing you ever acknowledge from me, i want it to be my apology.

Unaware he'd been holding his breath the entire time, he exhaled a heavy sigh, handing the phone back to Emma before facing forward. "That's… really quite raw."

"It all makes sense now," she said, somewhat to herself. "Everything. The… the money disappearances, the aggression, the secrecy. Everything. It just… it hits hard, that he's been living with that burden, and I just… didn't know."

"I can't pretend I know what you're going through, but… it… must feel good he wants your help, right? I-I mean, at least he doesn't want to fight it alone anymore."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right." For the first time ever, the smile she responded to Elliot with seemed genuine. "I… would have to thank you again, for that. He… I think you regained his trust in people. Because he trusts you already, not me. And I… really can't thank you enough for that."

"Really, it's… no problem…" Elliot said unsurely, his words gradually losing confidence. "Even if it was hard, I think it's worth it. Give it time."

Her smile remained. "I hope so too."

About a minute later, the door to Leo opened again, one of the nurses slipping out. Immediately, she laid eyes on Elliot, shooting him a perplexed glance. "Are you supposed to be here?"

Emma's mouth dropped open to answer, but before she could, Elliot cut in. "I'm his, er… friend?"

The confused by subtly amused look he received from Emma suggested either Leo had told her about their relationship, or she'd figured it out at some point. "Let him see Leo. He'll be glad to see him."

(Yep, she definitely knew.)

"Ok…" The nurse didn't seem convinced. Nonetheless, she still went with it, allowing Elliot into the room. "Don't let him get out of bed, the stitches are still fragile."

Elliot nodded, thanked the nurse, and then stepped past the threshold into the room.

"What are you doing here?" was his initial greeting from Leo. The words were spoken with bitterness and blatant irritation, along with an obvious, audible tremble.

It had reached 72 hours by now. This was to be expected.

Regardless, Elliot thought it would be a good idea to sprinkle a little sarcasm on his response. "It's nice to see you too."

With the scowl across his sweat-glazed face deepening, Leo picked up the cup of water on his bedside table, and threw it at Elliot. The moment he did, however, he flinched, collapsing back against the bed with a pained hiss. "Shit. These painkillers do fuck all."

"You should be nicer to the nurses," Elliot muttered, cautiously approaching the side of the bed. "They're trying to help you."

"Yeah well they're not," Leo scoffed. "They piss me off."

A heavy silence consumed the room, neither of them willing to speak to break it. Instead, Elliot chose to remain totally silence, whilst Leo did nothing except glare at the adjacent wall, it seemed.

Until Elliot spoke, that was. "Why… did you try to off yourself? You've… already gotten this far."

Immediately, Leo's glare cracked, and next thing Elliot heard was a strained sob. He was tempted to think 'not again', but put that thought past him, and said nothing. Instead, he simply rubbed Leo's shoulder comfortingly, waiting for him to stop trembling. Just slightly; enough to speak.

After crying nearly silently for five minutes straight, Leo drew in a shaky, shallow breath, and gave an answer. "That's the point." He sniffed. "I don't… want to keep doing this. I… don't want to be clean anymore. I just want it to end."

Speechless, all Elliot could do was watch Leo continue to sob to himself. Despite witnessing this display innumerable times, Elliot had yet to become numb to it. Entirely, at least. His chest still hurt, just watching it. He still felt irrefutable guilt for the other's pain.

"Can you, um, at least sit up?" Elliot asked, his hand gently slipping from Leo's shoulder to his back.

Reluctant at first, Leo eventually nodded, sniffing as he sat up. The moment he was upright, however, he froze instantly, wrapping an arm around his stomach and hunching over. "Ngh, bad idea."

"Do you need another bucket?"

"Soon," Leo spoke, his voice cracking mid-syllable.

As Elliot sauntered around to the opposite side of the room, all he heard was Leo crying endlessly to himself. And when he turned around again, sure enough, Leo's face was buried in his hands – his hands, which shook violently.

Instead of attempting to intervene, and potentially worsening his predicament, Elliot simply remained beside him, holding the bucket ready for when it was needed again.

After another three minutes, of doing nothing but sobbing, Leo halted again, shakily lifting a hand near his mouth. "Fuck, not again."

From the moment his breathing turned shallow, the bucket was promptly handed to him. And the very second Leo grabbed it, he gagged, abruptly bringing up the little acid and water left in his stomach.

Elliot, with the courtesy to look away before feeling nauseous himself, kept a hand on his back. Rubbing soothing circles in his best attempt to comfort him, he didn't move a muscle until Leo had stopped aggressively throwing up. Once he'd been reducing to dry heaving, Elliot – still somewhat holding his breath – took it upon himself to pour the other a cup of water.

Leo took the water, his fingers barely clinging to the plastic of the cup as he brought it to his lips, and took two careful sips. Then, he grimaced, and thrust the drink back into Elliot's grip once he'd disposed of the bucket.

As expected, a heavy silence hung over the room. Neither of them dared to speak at first, Leo still trying to regulate his breathing, and Elliot attempting to wipe the frown off his face.

"This is shit," Leo groaned under his breath, as he slumped backwards onto the mattress and yanked the covers back over him. Turning away from Elliot, he added one last comment. "I need to smoke."

"Well… do you want the… the vape again?"

"I don't have it." Even though he couldn't see his face, Elliot could vividly picture the image of Leo's belligerent glare fixed on the wall. "The nurses found it and confiscated it. Assholes."

Unable to think of a suitable response, Elliot did nothing except lift a hand to his head, running his fingers softly through Leo's sweat-matted, dishevelled locks.

The tranquillity, however, was merely temporary, as no less than a minute later, tears began silently trailing down Leo's face once again. His arm snaked around his stomach; stomach cramps, he guessed.

"Please keep going," Elliot begged, "I-I don't care how sappy it sounds, but I don't want you dying on me."

"I'm not going to keep trying just for you," Leo sobbed, his tone much less threatening and bitter than he'd tried to make it.

"Do it for yourself then."

"And what do I get for it?"

"The life you deserve," Elliot said, as sympathetically as he could, "You're… smart, and funny, and you… you deserve to make something of yourself."

Leo, saying nothing, only began to tremble more, tears pouring straight down his face onto the pillow. But still, he made no sound, instead trying to focus on Elliot's fingers occasionally touching his scalp through his hair.

And in that moment, Elliot could tell that Leo was so, so close to giving up.

He couldn't give up. Not on his watch, at least.

"Don't worry... whatever it takes, one day... I-I don't know when, but... it'll be better." Elliot smiled. Just barely, but he did nonetheless. It didn't matter if it sounded sappy. "And then you'll... you'll be okay."

At least Leo's crying appeared to have ceased; at least it was comforting for them both.

He wouldn't give up.

"So please, Leo, for me, just... just please, hold on… until then.