Meet Me on The Inside

Chapter Four: Countdown

Hook, Emma, and Regina decided to head over to Granny's to regroup and talk about what to do with their current predicament. Why that locale? It seemed every important decision was made in Granny's. And, Emma was hungry.

"What do you think you're doing?" Regina asked gruffly as she grabbed Hook just as he had been about to slide into the booth next to Emma.

"Sitting down?" he arched a brow at Regina, swatting away her hook.

"Did you forget whose body you're wearing? It'll look suspicious in public if you're sitting so close to the savior, not to mention, if you're draping yourself all over her as you so do when the two of you are together."

Hook scowled at Regina, but he knew the woman had a point. "Fine." He sat in the seat facing Emma, Regina taking his place. Then, with a cocky smirk, she draped her arm around Emma's shoulders.

"And who gave you permission to do that!" Hook hissed out at her, dark eyes blazing.

"I have to sell the act, or else it would look weird if I didn't suffocate her with my presence."

"And since when am I your property, that someone else has to ask for permission to touch me? What's next? Will they have to ask to be able to sit next to me, even?" Emma growled out angrily, Regina tightening her hold on Emma, and Hook became flustered at that.

"I didn't mean it that way, love. I just...uh, don't...never mind," he trailed off realizing there wasn't a way to win this argument. He slouched down into his seat.

"Don't slouch," Regina snapped out. "I don't want bad posture!"

He rolled his eyes at her. "That's the least of your worries right now."

"What do you mean by that?" She cut out impatiently.

"I...well," he squirmed in his seat, looking embarrassed by his next declaration. "I'm not quite sure how the female body...goes."

Regina arched a brow in question. He sighed out, looked out the window, crossed his arms over his chest. It was odd to see Regina's body so discomforted. Emma found it adorable while Regina despised it. How dare Hook make her look weak like that.

"Spit it out." She prompted unkindly.

He glared at her, and then loudly, "I haven't even peed!"

Why was this a big deal? Did he need someone to hold his hand while he went to the potty? "Then go. I don't want a bladder infection."

Hook seemed even more uncomfortable at that suggestion. "Just because I'm a pirate doesn't mean I'm a scoundrel. I respect women's bodies."

Regina gave him a blank look. "..."

Emma did too. "..."

Hook scoffed in an effort to maintain some dignity. "Okay fine, I don't know how to really do it. Do I just squat or...?"

Regina sighed out heavily. Really, what was hard? Peeing for a girl was easy. Just pull down your pants and go. She'd had a harder time wrangling with his...snake downstairs. It was like it had a mind of its own and it took her several attempts to do it, but she did it. All without looking of course. There was no way she was looking at Hook's dick.

She placed her hands on her desk to push herself up. "Fine, I'll help.

Emma beat her to it. "No, I will. You're not in the right body. It'll look weird if you go in with Hook." She aimed this at Regina who reluctantly had to agree. She didn't have to like the suggestion, however. She didn't want Emma in there with him.

"Great, now I'm bared from my own body." She sighed lightly; there was no point in arguing this. "Fine, just make sure he doesn't do anything weird with my body, will you."

"I will," Emma promised.

"I won't," Hook got up. "Do anything weird," he tacked on when he saw Regina's murderous look at the misinterpretation of his statement.

Then the two of them left. Ruby came around, pad and pen in hand. "Hey, are you guys ready to order?"

"Does it look like it?" Regina snapped out, taking some of her frustrations at this whole body switch out at the waitress. "Two of us are in the bathroom. You couldn't have picked a worse time. What a great waitress you are."

Regina had forgotten she was in Hook's body, so Ruby was really hurt by his tones. "Uh, is everything okay, Hook?" The man normally didn't behave like this. He might be a villain but he wasn't the snappy sort, more like the run you through with his sword sort. Snappy remarks and biting words were Regina's thing.

"Sure," Regina huffed out, cursing her own mouth for being so sharp sometimes. "Just come back later," she said, hoping that her more pleasant tone would make up for her rudeness earlier.

Ruby nodded her head tersely and went off.

Meanwhile, Hook and Emma were having an adventure of their own in the public bathroom.

"Okay, I've peed," Hook called out from behind the closed bathroom stall like a five year old seeking approval for using the potty successfully for the first time. "Now what? Do I shake it off?"

"What? No, you wipe it," Emma corrected.

"Well, I wouldn't know. You don't wipe a dick you know. You just shake it off."

"Didn't need to know that," Emma called back.

"I didn't want to know either about female hygiene, but here I bloody am. Are you going to help me?"

"I already did. I explained to you how to pee."

"No, I meant are you going to help me wipe?"

Emma stared at the door for a good couple seconds. "Oh, you're being serious," she said at last, before a 'What!' burst from her lips. "I can't do that. You have to do it."

"Well I don't want to do it! I don't want to touch the majesty's uh, down there!"

"And you expect me to do it?" Emma shouted out incredulously.

"Don't girls do this sort of thing with one another?"

"No! Why would you think that?"

"You always take so bloody long in the bathroom!"

"That's not the reason why. We just like to go in and talk. And put on makeup."

"...so you're really not going to help me?"

"No!" Emma threw out her hands in exasperation. "It's not that big of a deal!"

There was silence before, "why is this so wet?"

Emma felt something was very, very off about that statement. "Hook, what are you using to wipe?"

"My hand," he casually said.

"Oh my god, no! You use the paper in the stall! Why would you use your hand!"

"Because guys don't use paper, and because I'm a bloody pirate from a time period when personal hygiene was nonexistent!"

"That's it, I'm coming in," Emma barged into the stall and went to help Hook.

They came out ten minutes later, with Emma trailing Regina and fixing her skirt to make sure she was well put together. Ruby just so happened to come into the bathroom at that moment and her eyes went wide at the suspicious sight of them exiting the stall together.

"Make sure to wash that hand nice and good, given where it's been recently," Emma instructed as Hook washed his hands. "Oh, hi Ruby," Emma noticed the slightly shell shocked looking girl. The brunette was coming to various conclusions in her head-the way Hook was angry, and the way the two women had come out of the same stall, with Emma fixing Regina's skirt and that comment about Regina washing her hands...

She beamed at them. It was about time that Regina and Emma saw what was in front of them. "Congrats," she whispered to them and left it at that, because it didn't seem like they were ready to come out clean about their secret relationship.

Emma stared at Ruby's retreating back. Huh, what a weird comment.

When they left the bathroom they saw a grumpy looking Hook sitting in the booth. "So? Body intact?"

"Yes," Emma nodded her head and then under her breath, "just don't shake hands and you'll be fine."

Regina didn't catch that comment and decided not to pursue it. They had more important things to discuss. "Now that that issue has been taken care of, let's talk about the real issue. Gold told us the only way to switch bodies would be to sleep together again. But, he divulged to me after you left, that the solution would merely be a temporary one."

"What?" Emma hissed out, shocked.

"So even if we were to do it, it wouldn't matter in the long run."

"Exactly," Regina nodded her head at Hook's deduction. "That's why we need to look for another solution. I'll take it upon myself to research what this ancient magic is and develop a solution to it. It most likely will be magical, which means that Emma, you and Hook will have to work on your magic because I can no longer cast any spells."

"But I'm not that great at magic, and I'm even less great at being a teacher," she protested.

"You have no choice. Besides, I'm counting on the sheer magical power in my body to compensate for that."

"And how long will this take?" Hook inquired.

"I'm not sure. It could take anywhere from days to weeks to months," Regina admitted.

Hook grit his teeth at the news. "I'm not happy here either," Regina said. "Even less happy at you. Look at the horrid state of this body," she added, sniffing under her arms. "Have you never heard of a tub?"

He didn't say anything to that. "And what do we do in the meantime that you look for the cure?"

"We go on and act as normal. Which means I stay by Emma's side, and sleep at your place."

"Not happening," Hook leaned in, baring Regina's perfect teeth.

"I'm the one making sacrifices here. Ms. Swan snores, and her bed is nowhere near as comfortable as mine. Really, I'm doing myself a disservice so that you can sleep on a nicer bed."

"I'm not letting you sleep with Emma."

"Too late for that. It already happened once," Regina said smugly.

A pure growl came from Hook's chest and he slapped his hands onto the table, transforming the napkin holder there into a cat as his magic spun out of control.

"For today, will you be having..." Ruby, who had been on her way to take their order, froze at the sight of the cat. "Cat!" she screamed out. The cat screeched at her and then ran out, Ruby chasing after it as the inner wolf in her overtook her.

The trio barely noticed this.

"And it will be the last time it happens," Hook promised.

"Can we please not get into this again?" Emma rubbed her temples.

"I already got into you once-"

Hook didn't let Regina finish her smug statement because he was leaping across the table, fists flying. He caught Regina in the eye and she was flung back into her seat, while Emma was up, and pushing and holding Hook back.

"Calm down. Calm down!" she hissed.

"Is there something the matter here?" Granny asked, coming up to them with hands on her hips.

"I've got it under control," Emma grunted out, finally shoving Hook back into the booth violently. He crossed his arms over his chest but said nothing, tightening his jaw.

"Good," Granny sniffed, nodding her head. Then she went back in the kitchen, wondering where her granddaughter was.

Regina didn't even blink at Hook punching her, relishing the pain and hoping it would form a bruise on the pirate's face. "Regina, stop antagonizing him. It's not going to help in the long run."

Regina wanted to make him suffer, for all the suffering he caused her. Each time she saw his hand around Emma's shoulders, or his lips on hers, it felt like Regina's heart was being dipped in battery acid. She hated the sensation.

She wanted him to feel the same, even if for a little bit. Now was her chance to do so, and to indulge in some time with Emma. "He needs to get used to this. If we are to keep this whole mishap a secret from the public than we need to go about as we normally do. Which means me pretending to date Emma, and Hook pretending to be mayor."

"Regina's right, Hook," Emma nodded her head. "I don't like it any better but it makes sense to do so."

He worked his jaw, looking angrily on from Emma to his own body. "There need to be some ground rules."

"That's reasonable," Emma conceded. "What are they?"

"Only hand holding and hugging in public; once indoors or behind closed doors, it stops."

"Okay, only light PDA," Emma nodded along.

"But if we don't kiss, people might question it," Regina pushed. "They might think we're merely friends. After all, you usually display a lot of PDA on the regular, it would seem strange for it to just tone down all of a sudden."

She knew she had Hook there when his lips twisted up disdainfully. "Only kissing for...three seconds," he conceded at last and it looked like it had taken him a lot to say that. "And no sleeping in the same bed."

Emma held out her hands. "There won't be an issue with that. There will be no hanky panky after hours. The first and last time was a fluke because I thought she was you. I'll be on the couch." Her face was serious as she swore this.

Hook nodded his head, not happy but willing to go along with it for now. "Good."

"I also have some ground rules," Regina spoke up. "No trash food-you are only to eat the healthy foods in my house. Secondly, no alcohol of any kind. I don't want you giving me liver poisoning. Thirdly, keep the house neat-"

"We don't have all day here, just make a list for him," Emma interrupted.

"I haven't even gotten to the rules on him taking my job as mayor!"

"Later," Emma stressed. "What about Henry?"

"You'll take him of course. I don't trust the pirate to take care of my son. Or to do a good enough job pretending to be me to get away with living with Henry. If he's at your place Emma than I can keep a closer eye on him."

"You don't think he'll see through us?" she indicated to herself and Regina.

The woman shrugged. "Less likely to happen with us than with him," she said disdainfully, eyeing Hook who was slouching in the booth again. "Sit up straight," she chastised.

"No," Hook childishly said and slouched down more.

Emma shook her head. This wasn't going to go well. She could tell already. She just prayed they wouldn't blow up the town by accident because of all of this.