Meet Me on the Inside
Chapter Six: A Wicked Plan
"And why do we owe you a meal?" Emma asked with a tired breath. She, Regina, Hook, and Zelena were sitting in Granny's diner. All the patrons were giving the witch from Oz an ugly look given what she had done to their town. She ignored that fact, instead almost seemingly flattered by the attention.
"Because you ripped me out of my world, quite rudely, and dumped me here, quite rudely," the woman said, slurping her coffee, quite rudely.
"That wasn't our intention. It was an accident."
"Exactly, therefore you should buy me some food to appease me and my oncoming wrath." She arched a smug brow. She looked entirely too relaxed to burst into rampage but this was Zelena who they were talking about, so...
Emma didn't want more potential disasters so she nodded her head along with the con scheme. "Fine."
"We need to get you back home quickly," Regina spoke, less worried about potential disasters occurring and knowing they would if Zelena stayed.
"Why? I figured if I'm here I might as well enjoy my vacation and the shenanigans going on." She took a stab at her eggs.
Regina and Emma exchanged a look; Emma's was born more of confusion, Regina's was more like, 'sheriff you deal with this'. "What shenanigans?" the sheriff asked, acquiescing to Regina's silent order.
"Oh, you know which ones. Tell me dear sister, how does it feel being stuck in a man's body? Quite cocky, I assume?" she snorted at her own pun.
How did-how did Zelena know? "I have no idea what you're talking about," Regina feigned ignorance and calm. "Everything is fine."
"You're smarter than this- don't play dumb, Regina," Zelena looked on at her sister though she was speaking to Hook's body. "I can sense your magical energies are all muddled up. And Hook doesn't talk anywhere nearly as much as you do."
Regina and Emma looked on at one another. Should they admit to this? But admitting a weakness to Zelena was risky. She could exploit it, or do nothing to help but laugh as they floundered.
"Besides," Zelena added on. "Regina would never be caught dead wearing such obscene clothing outside." She ran her thumb over the outfit on Hook. "Cashmere? Surely you can do better."
"Cashmere is a good material, especially for sleeping in," Regina defended, unable to hold back.
"See, I knew it," Zelena smirked and Regina fumed harder. "So what is this? A sexual experiment?"
Emma's brows furrowed. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh, you know. Trying to spice up the bedroom. Bored with Hook." Zelena languidly waved her speared eggs around before popping them into her mouth. "Unsure if you want a different partner in bed, but afraid to not use his body."
"Zelena that's not-" Hook started but was cut off.
"Let me tell you, you don't need to cling onto his body. Even if Regina doesn't have his hose, she is more than capable enough with what she has. Very capable from what I have heard." She winked at her sister.
"Zelena stop," if Regina ever thought there would be a time she would be mortified of her conquests in bed during her regime as Evil Queen, now was it. She wanted to bury herself into a ditch, and in a past life time she would have buried her sister in the ditch. Instead, she glared harder at her sister.
Emma had flushed on her left, making a soft 'oh' with her lips.
"I'm not terrible in bed!" Hook slammed his fist onto the table, causing Granny to shoot them a look. "This is the third time I've had to warn you- if you can't behave I will not take your business here."
"Sorry Granny," Emma sputtered out, unable to now look at Regina. Was the woman really as good in bed as Zelena suggested? Sure, Emma had slept with her once as Hook, and that had been mind-blowingly amazing. And if Regina was in her own body...Emma clamped her thighs together. Now was not the time to get aroused. Or to think naughty thoughts about her best friend.
Who you'd slept with! her brain pointed out unhelpfully.
Shut up!
"And what are you even wearing in my establishment, Regina?" Granny looked disapprovingly down her nose.
"Clothes," Hook said plainly.
"Inappropriate clothes. Having a rough day? I heard all about the chaos you've been causing around town."
Hook began to sweat. Shit, what did he say to that? He said the first thing that blurted into his head. "You know, just thinking of reverting back to my evil ways-"
Regina kicked him hard under the table, making him almost cry out in pain. He gave her an evil look but switched his wording. "Uh, just kidding. I'm having a midlife crisis-"
Another kick under the table. He swallowed hard and reached down to massage his sore foot. "I've gone crazy! There are voices in my head!"
Regina shook her head, giving up. That was it, after this was all over she was finding the biggest memory spell and enacting it over the whole town. It was either that or murder them all.
Granny humphed. "I think I understand. Menopause at such an early age can be hard. Why don't you come with me to the back room and we'll have a nice chat about it." Before Hook could resist, the older woman had pulled him up roughly by the arm and into the back room. Regina was already anticipating the screams of horror upon Hook finding out the gory details of menopause.
Well, at least he was out of the way for now.
"I think I can get used to this," Zelena said, clearly taking joy from Regina's troubles.
"I think not. We'll find you a bean and get you back home," Emma input.
"Don't be a party pooper. I can help."
They both knew how Zelena's 'help' worked out.
"No thank you, Regina already found some notes on the topic."
"Actually, my notes were ruined. Because someone dumped a whole firetruck's worth of water on me," Regina said bitterly.
Emma cringed at that. "Uh, right."
"See, you do need my help after all," Zelena stuck her nose up arrogantly and the way she purred those words made the two other women feel like prey in a trap.
"We were doing just fine, thank you," Regina commented, busying herself with her tea. She kept trying to reach for her cup's handle's with her left hand only to realize that was a) her hook hand and b) she was missing her hook because she'd thrown it into some creek. She reached for it clumsily with her right hand and accidentally spilled some onto her pants as she tried to take a sip, screaming internally. Zelena noticed this, but the witch, instead of reverting the hot spill with a wave of her hand, only let it be.
Bitch, thought Regina as she blinked back tears.
"Really?" Zelena smugly grinned. "Your town doesn't look like you were doing 'just fine'."
It didn't. Emma was half tempted to give in. "And what can you offer us?"
"Access to more books, and to my magic. Body switching is something that happens a lot in Oz, believe it or not. I have some prior experience with such things."
It was the most hopeful news they had heard in a while. "I suppose we can do it. But we need you to vow to us, magically, that this isn't some scheme for power."
Zelena threw back her head and laughed shrilly at this, startling a few patrons of the diner. "My dears, if I wanted to seek out power, I wouldn't even have to hurt you. You'd do it all on your own, and take down the town with you. All I have to do is stand by and watch."
Regina shamefully looked outside at the damage there. How could she have let Hook make her sink down to his depths? To hurting her town after all she had done to protect it?
"What do you need us to do?" Emma questioned.
"Meet me in Regina's Vault. Luckily there are several methods to fixing a body switch, and the ingredients for it aren't too hard to get."
"You have them all on you? Convenient," Regina snapped out, her suspicions flaring. Was she really giving in this easily to Zelena? Everyone knew you couldn't trust the witch as far as you could throw her. Perhaps any option was better than being stuck continuously as Hook.
"No, I don't have all of them, though I have most, since as a witch it's best to be prepared. That's where you guys come in. I need you to get some of them. I'll hand you the list."
Suddenly ear piercing screams came from the back room where Hook was trapped with Granny. "Better get that," Emma said and pushed herself out of the booth. That left Zelena and Regina together.
The witch from Oz gave a pitying look.
"Stop that," Regina hissed. She hated pity.
"This is the perfect chance to change things with Emma." Zelena leaned in closer, like they were talking about government secrets and not Emma.
"Yes, for the worst," Regina snorted.
Zelena shook her head. "You really can be so obtuse sister. It's a wonder you were able to run a whole kingdom."
"What do you mean?" Regina took great offense to that. She was purposefully being a terrible ruler. That's what being evil was all about.
"This is your chance to steal Emma from Hook."
"Don't you see the way she looks at him? She doesn't look the same way at me. Even when he's in my body, she still looks at him with adoration."
Zelena shook her head ardently. "She looks torn. Because she knows that's your body, but not you, and that the true you is in Hook. She's resentful."
Resentful? "Yes, resentful that I took her precious true love's body from her."
Zelena shrugged, knowing she couldn't convince Regina this way. "If you say so, but I will prove it to you, that you are being obtuse. Open up to her, tell her you love her, and you might be surprised just by what she says."
"I-I don't love her!" Regina protested, flushing. Did everyone know this? "Why would you-"
Zelena tipped her head in a knowing fashion. "The Nile is a nice long river in Egypt. Let's keep it to that." Then she poofed away.
Regina sat there, with Hook's distant screaming a soundtrack to her melancholic thoughts, and intrinsically knew things weren't going to get better.
"S-she didn't have to show me," Hook stuttered, a blanket over his shoulders, eyes distant and alive with horror like some sort of survival victim. "It was so s-saggy and old and oh god!" he threw his hands over his face and Regina made a disgusted expression. Who knew what the hell had been shown to her body. Maybe the damage would be irreparable. Maybe she'd have to burn her eyes out, scrub her brain clean.
"It's going to be okay," Emma soothed by his side, giving him a cup of something warm. They were in Regina's vault right now, Emma placing a call to her mother to take Henry for the night.
"Of course I will," she'd thrilled. "Did you know Regina donated all her money to my bird club? I didn't know she supported my work like that!"
Great, just another one of the things Regina would never be able to live down.
"I have to invite her to dinner, oh! and buy her something nice. Even build all the birdhouses in her name," Mary continued on.
"Please no," Regina whispered, because she was two more suggestions away from joining Hook under a blanket and crying over her situation. Emma heard and took pity on Regina, and on herself, her mother going a mile a minute.
"Later mom," Emma hung up, breathing out heavily and swiveling to face the green witch. "Okay, Zelena. What's the plan?"
"Well, the first way to fix a body switch is for the two affected parties to drink a potion. Some of the herbs I already have but I need some vital ingredients."
Emma looked down at the list handed to her, reading it out loud. "Blood rocks, don't know what that is. A hair from Regina's and Hook's head, okay. Spindleweed, is it like pot, or a garden weed...and s...semen?!" Emma's face flushed and her voice went shrill. "Semen from what?"
"From Hook's body, of course." Zelena rolled her eyes because Emma was adorably slow.
"Why!" Emma blustered out. "Why is that necessary?"
Zelena put up her hands. "Hey, I didn't make up the potions-wizards and witches are weird and perverted-they get lonely locked up in their rooms inventing potions and such... and I'm only trying to help."
Regina had to hold back a gag at the thought of..."I'm not drinking the potion." She threw the list to the floor in disgust and in rebellion of Zelena's plan.
"Then you can be stuck in this body forever. Beside, no one said that the semen is going into the drink. Neither is the hair. I have to pour some of the potion onto it so the magic can bind. And then you drink the potion, which is made with edible, completely sperm free stuff."
That only made Regina feel marginally better.
"That still sounds like you're making shit up," Emma said, perfectly capturing Regina's thoughts.
"Fine, don't believe me, but I'm the only person willing to help you for free." Zelena threw her hands up, pretending to be offended. Standing behind a bubbling cauldron leaking red smoke, the action only made it look like she was pissed off and making brews to ruin lives.
"What guarantee is there that this potion will even work?"
"It always works," Zelena said confidently.
Emma met Regina's eyes, unsure of what else to do. "It's worth...a try?"
Regina had a bad feeling about this, about Zelena the moment she landed up in Storybrooke. She knew Zelena was cooking something up, other than the potion, but she supposed any plan of Zelena's was worth the risk, rather than having to spend another day as Hook. Regina was really growing tired of his hairy chest, and his body odor. But mostly of being him and pretending to have Emma, when she really couldn't have the blonde. To be this close, yet this far, was tearing holes in her heart.
Regina shook her head wordlessly, ready to hunt down the rest of the ingredients and the ending to this living nightmare.
The first ingredient they delivered to Zelena was the hair samples. Zelena plucked out one of Emma's golden strands lightly, the hair glowing in the low candle light of the Vault and seeming to be almost gold. Zelena was not as kind to Regina.
"You damn woman! Are you trying to make me bald?" Regina had hissed as Zelena had pecked at her head like some sort of vicious hen, pulling out hairs willy nilly and dropping them as they were deemed 'unsatisfactory'. "Just pick one and go with it."
"I need to pick a good one. It's not my fault Hook doesn't have good hair." Zelena said calmly, shifting through the hairs on Hook's body's head, his scalp red from aggravation. "Regina, though, has amazing hair. Did you notice her hair?" This was directed towards Emma who flushed.
"Uh, yea. I noticed it. Real nice," she mumbled uncomfortably.
"Don't you just want to run your hands through it-"
"Zelena, stop that!" Regina warned, feeling her face flush.
"-and tug on those ends and hear her as she screams your name in ec-"
"Zelena!" Regina rounded on the woman, stopping her lewd enactment of Emma pulling Regina's hair. Behind Regina Emma flushed, not knowing what to say.
"What?" Zelena winked at Regina, catching Emma's reaction.
Regina let a heavy sigh exit her body. Maybe she should abort this mission now before it was too late to salvage anything. "Did you pick a hair already?"
"Yup, got one," she held it up. "Now hurry and get the rest, this potion won't make itself." She shooed Regina and Emma out, slamming the crypt door shut behind them. There is an awkward air around them that let's Regina know Emma is actually thinking and envisioning what Zelena said to her and Regina's flattered, finding it arousing, at the same time she hates her sister for trying to ruin Emma when Emma doesn't want this, doesn't want to think about her friend that way.
Emma rouses herself first, light pink dusting her cheeks. She pulls out the list. "Wanna, uh, get the blood rocks?"
"Sure," Regina nods her head, striding forwards. This, she can do. She's always been good at cataloging and finding things for potions.
"What even are they?" Emma asks, brows furrowed up. "I've never heard of these things before."
"The best way to describe them is as small mice like creatures that you when you squeeze too hard, shed blood."
"So...not rocks at all?"
"No, their name is misleading. Though, when laid flat on the ground they look like fuzzy stones, so maybe the name has some merit."
Emma frowns at the oddity of it, and of the thought of having to drink mice blood in the potion. But she sets ahead to do the task and tries really hard not to dwell on what Zelena said. Her friend Regina did have great hair. Emma had thought of touching it a couple of times before, of feeling it's silky nature, but Zelena had inserted another use for it and that was pulling it during sex. Damn Zelena, Emma thought. She was putting inappropriate thoughts of Regina in her head. Focus on the rocks. On the rocks, Emma tells herself and tries to keep her thoughts away from the bedroom for the rest of the tasks duration.
Regina too is content to remain quiet, though that is more because she is fuming at her sister and her meddling ways. She doesn't want things to get ruined between herself and Emma. She needs to be careful, to proceed with this body switching carefully so Emma doesn't make anymore mistakes she regrets. She doesn't want to ruin Emma's true love even if it's ruining Regina on the inside.
Two hours later they finish up their tasks, returning to the Vault where Zelena accepts the items and immediately begins to set them up for preparation for the spell. "Well," she prompts when she sees the two of them still standing around. "Get on with the last necessary step." She waves a dismissive hand at them.
Regina's lips twist up. "I swear, if this is some cruel joke and you put it into my drink-"
"I get it," Zelena makes another dismissive hand motion. She indicates for Regina to leave to a side room. "Now hurry up and do it."
Not feeling at all reassured by her sister's attitude towards this, she shambles off to the side room and clicks the door softly behind herself. Emma stands where she is, arms over her chest. "Now what?" she asks Zelena who shrugs.
"Now we wait." Then she turns to cutting up her ingredients and leaves Emma waiting and wondering if Regina is going to be able to do something like that. She's filled with a strong sense of longing for Regina not to do it. The thought of her friend having to touch Hook's intimate part makes her mad for some reason. And not a protective mad, in the sense that she doesn't want Regina near her man like that (technically, Regina is her man now) but like a 'Regina shouldn't have to do this with someone she doesn't like' sense (because Regina hates Hook but is it still hating him when she is him?) Tapping her foot impatiently, Emma suddenly gives up on waiting and storms towards where her friend has gone to, unable to bear leaving her with this task.
Zelena merely looks up with a smile on her face, not saying anything on Emma's departure. She returns back to her potions and counts down the minutes, humming cheerily whist she does so.
A/N: Rating will change next chapter because of how Emma's and Regina's relationship progresses in the next chapter ;)