Recovery

Chapter 2:

Anastasia's POV

I woke up on the couch in my apartment. That's funny, I don't remember falling asleep. My head felt funny. Had I been crying? All of a sudden, the memories came flooding back to me. Steve and Bucky know my secret. Steve had yelled at me. I know Bucky had told me that he didn't mean it, but I was still angry. He had no right to treat me like a stupid child! Steve was the last person I wanted to see at that moment, so of course my mood only darkened when he walked out of my kitchen. "Why are you still here?" I spat, pulling my knees up to my chest. Steve looked at me sadly, "Ana, look, I'm sorry for what happened earlier. I shouldn't have yelled."

"Damn right." I muttered.

"Maybe I was wrong to-"

"Maybe?!" I shouted, pushing myself off of the couch, "Maybe, Steve?! You were absolutely wrong! You don't know how this feels! You can't just tell me to stop and expect everything to be okay!" I couldn't take it anymore. "Ana, I-" Steve started, but I pushed past him, stormed up to my room and slammed the door. It only took half a minute for Steve to follow me.

"Ana, will you please listen to me?" he said through my door. I could hear worry in his voice; something not very common for him. I didn't say anything, but just leaned against the door, knowing he wasn't going to give up.

"When I first saw the cuts on you, " Steve said, "I didn't want to believe you had done that to yourself… " he paused, trailing off, his voice getting quieter, "But after Bucky found the blades in the bathroom, I knew what it was, and it scared me. I don't want to see you in pain, and I don't ever want to think of losing you. You mean too much to Bucky and I. Please let me help you."

My anger started to fade after hearing his side of the story. His apology sounded sincere. Slowly, I opened the door. Steve didn't even let me talk before he pulled me into a hug. His arms held me close, and I felt safer than I had in months. It was probably the safest I had felt in my entire life. I leaned into his chest and we just stood there like that for several minutes. Finally, Steve pulled away, "I think Bucky wants us downstairs." he said.

When I was downstairs, Bucky was on the couch, silently scanning through my latest book, which I left on the coffee table. He must have been listening on our conversation, not actually reading, since I know he's read The Great Gatsby at least ten times. He smiled at me, inviting me to come sit on the couch with him.

"I think we need to talk, but first, let me change the gauze on your cut again." he said. I nodded, and laid down on the couch so Bucky could change the gauze. Steve watched carefully the whole time. I felt embarrassed leaving my stomach and sides exposed. They were covered in the lines I'd made all over myself. Some were thin and white, while others were angry red. I felt my face go white at them seeing me like this. Bucky unwrapped the bandage around my cut. The gauze was already stained through with red liquid, "This still looks pretty bad, Anastasia."

"Does she need stitches?" Steve asked.

"No, medical adhesive should be fine, but no sparring for a while."

"Why not?" I demanded.

"Because we don't want the wound to open up again." Bucky said as he finished taking care of my cut. I covered my mutilated stomach as quickly as I could manage.

"It'll be fine." I insisted.

"Ana, no." Steve started, "You need to take care of that cut or it will get infected. No training for a week, at least."

"Okay, mom." I said, rolling my eyes.

Bucky smiled, "We just want what's best for you, darlin'…" He looked down for a moment, "which means we don't to see you hurt."

"Can you tell us what happened?" Steve asked.

I looked down at my feet. "I-I can't talk about it… Please don't make me." I begged, pulling my knees up to my chest. Bucky wrapped his arm around me and stroked my hair while Steve came to sit down on my other side. "Why can't you talk about it?" he asked. I shrugged, "I don't know. It's just… hard."

"It's okay. You can talk to us when you're ready. Can you at least tell us how long this has been going on?" Bucky asked gently, rubbing my shoulder. "I've done it since I was 15." I said. Steve and Bucky both looked a little surprised.

"Are there any other cuts on you?" Steve asked. I sighed deeply and pulled my sleeves up to show my wrists. Then I exposed my shoulders, and rolled up my sweatpants so they could see my thighs. Their faces almost broke my heart. I started to cry.

"Hey now, " Bucky whispered, "It's okay."

I tried to fight back my tears as much as possible. Bucky brushed some of my hair out of my face, "Are you hungry, Ana? You haven't eaten in awhile." With everything going on, I hadn't realized how hungry I was.

"Yeah, I think I could eat an entire pizza by myself right now."

Bucky laughed, "I guess we'll order two then."

…

After we finished off two entire pizzas of various flavors, and an entire marathon of Disney movies, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I tried to hide it as best I could, unfortunately, Bucky noticed.

"Why don't you go to bed, doll? It's getting kinda late."

"It's only 11:00," I said, "but I guess that is late for someone who's your age." Steve laughed from the other end of the couch.

"What are you laughing at, solider?" I asked, "You're not much younger."

"Very funny." Bucky said sarcastically, "Go to bed, punk. You look like you haven't gotten much sleep lately."

"I slept on the couch earlier, remember?" I said, crossing my arms.

"That was a half an hour." Steve said.

"which is enough to keep me going for a long time."

"Ana, go to bed." Bucky said, "We'll see you tomorrow, after training."

I scowled at Bucky. Not only was I upset about him telling me to go to sleep, but I was still mad he wouldn't let me train.

Bucky smiled and kissed my forehead, "Goodnight, doll." he said. Steve hugged me and told me to sleep in tomorrow and enjoy a day off. As if.

After Steve and Bucky left, I dragged myself to my room to try to get some sleep since it was so important to them. As I laid in bed, I thought of all the things I might have done differently that day. I thought about Steve and Bucky finding out my darkest secret, just that morning. I replayed Steve's reaction over and over again in my head. He wasn't still mad, was he? I lay awake with my mind reeling. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, I laid there for what felt like hours, and when I looked at the clock. It had only been eight minutes. Unsure of what else to do, I grabbed my phone and texted Bucky.

Me: Hey

Bucky: Hey, do you need something?

Me: No, I just wanted to make sure you got home okay :)

Bucky: Anastasia, I live down the hall from you. What's going on?

I wanted him to know, but I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to think I was crazy, but really I couldn't sleep.

Me: Nothing, I just don't feel tired.

Bucky: You need sleep whether your tired or not. Just try to rest, please?

Me: FINE

Bucky: Thank you!

I tried. I closed my eyes. I tried to relax. But I couldn't. It was too quiet. The silence was making a constant buzz in my ears. I could practically feel my blood pulsing through my veins. The darkness almost created shadows out of thin air. There was nothing to do but lay there in the silence and think. I tried to think of happy things. I tried to count to a thousand, take deep breaths, and keep my eyes closed. It was hopeless. Laying there in the darkness could only make me think about my past. How I felt so distant from my family. How I separated myself from them at a young age. How I tried learning combat and joining the marines. How I left that and became a mercenary who caught the attention of Hydra. Then came the years of running, hiding, and having no where to call home. It was lonely, but I liked it, in a way. I was always an independent person, who prided herself on never needing anyone's help. Until now, I guess.

The thoughts all came back to me at once, like someone was playing them on repeat in my head. I laid there, more awake than ever, wondering what to do. Usually, for nights like these, I had my solutions. I knew Steve and Bucky wouldn't want me to, but with all of this coming back, I couldn't help myself. Pushing the covers off. I went to the bathroom planning to rid myself of all emotions for that night. Just as I was getting up, my phone buzzed. I wandered over to the light beside my bed, and picked it up. It was a text from Bucky.

Bucky: Are you asleep yet?

I thought about ignoring it so he'd leave me alone. But somehow I ended up doing the right thing and texting him back with the truth.

Me: no…

Bucky: I'm coming over.

Me: You don't have to

Bucky: I want to. I'll be there in five minutes.

Well that spoiled my plans, but probably for the best. I went downstairs to wait for Bucky. I turned on the TV even though I didn't want to watch. I was sitting there staring off into space when I heard the knock on the door. I jumped up to answer it. Bucky strode into my apartment, wearing a loose pair of black sweatpants. His hair fell messily around his shoulders so I could tell he'd gotten out of bed to come see me. "You don't have to be here." I said, looking down. I felt bad for interrupting his sleep like this.

"Actually, I do." he said, wrapping me in a hug, "I couldn't sleep either, I was too worried about you."

I leaned my head on his chest. He was much taller than me so I could fit perfectly in his arms. "I'm fine." I said, trying to hold back tears. Bucky held me tighter, "No, you're not. And that's okay. Everyone as the right to be upset sometimes. Just don't let us lose you because of this." I blinked back that tears that threatened to fall and nodded, because I refuse to cry anymore tonight. "Thank you." I mumbled.

"Anytime, doll." He said, releasing me from his arms. Bucky walked me to the couch and sat down. He flipped through the TV channels, while I leaned against his side. We didn't really watch anything, we mostly just talked. I started to feel tired, and the next thing I knew I was waking up with my head in Bucky's lap. There was just the faintest bit of light outside, so I decided to go back to sleep, since I didn't want to move anyway.

When I woke up next, I was in my bed. Bucky must have carried me here before he went to train. There was a note by my bed. It was Bucky's neat handwriting.

Steve and I will meet you for breakfast after training.

I glanced at the clock. It was already 10a.m.! I don't think I have slept this late in years. Bucky and Steve would be here within the next half hour. I saw no point in getting dressed as I had nothing to do today, thanks to Steve, so I picked up a book and planted myself in my favorite chair waiting for my friends' arrival.