Recovery

Chapter 3

Steve's POV

The morning after we'd discovered Ana's secret, I went to the training room at our usual time. Natasha was the only one there when I arrived. I was expecting Ana to be there as an act of rebellion. I was glad she stayed home to take care of herself, but made a mental note to check on her when I was done training. "Where's Anastasia?" Natasha asked when I entered the gym. For a moment I panicked. I hadn't thought of what to tell the others. Even though Nat and Ana were close, I wasn't sure if she would be okay with her knowing the secret. She hadn't even wanted Bucky and I to find out. I knew Nat wouldn't say anything if I asked her not to, but it wasn't my secret to tell. So I lied.

"She's not in the tower. She had to go to Headquarters to turn in paperwork."

"Oh." was all Natasha said, fixing her eyes on me, and I knew something had to have given me away. Right at that moment, Bucky strode into the gym. "You're late." Natasha said. "Sorry." he apologized apathetically, "I overslept."

Natasha raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

After training, Bucky told me about meeting Ana for breakfast. He went to go shower leaving Natasha and I alone in the gym again. I grabbed my water bottle, turning to leave, when Natasha stopped me.

"What are you not telling me, Rogers?"

I sighed, and turned to face her, "What do you mean?" he asked, feigning innocence.

"I'm a spy, Steve. I know you're hiding something, and it has something to do with Anastasia."

"I'm sorry, Nat, really. I want you to know, but I can't do that to Ana."

"She's my friend, Steve. I want to know if she's in trouble."

"I know you care about her, that's why you need to hear it from her and not me. I think she'll tell you when she's ready. Right now you just have to pretend you didn't notice, okay?"

Natasha nodded, "Okay, but I'm watching her, and you, Rogers." With that, she turned and left the gym. I showered and headed upstairs to join Bucky and Ana.

Ana's POV

I was still in my pajamas when Bucky and Steve came to my apartment for breakfast. We all got started making pancakes and bacon. It almost felt like a normal day with them again, and I was starting to feel a bit less stressed out about them knowing about my self harm. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever.

During breakfast, Bucky got a phone call. He came back and announced that he would be leaving for a short mission that night.

"You're going solo?" I asked, cutting my pancakes into quarters. I was a bit confused because he didn't say anything about me. Ever since I'd joined the team, I'd always been paired with Bucky. In the very rare occasion of one of us was sent on a mission without the other, it was because one of us was injured.

"No, Clint is going with me." he said. "Oh." I mumbled. I was mad that Clint got to go when I didn't, even if I knew Steve wouldn't let me go on this mission anyway. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a big deal. Bucky would be back in three days. He'd gone on missions all the time, and so had I, but this time, something felt different. I wanted him here. I needed him here. What if I had another night like last night? Who would be there? I tried to play off how nervous I was, but I think Bucky noticed. I excused myself, telling the boys I needed to go shower and get dressed as I was still in pajamas. I ran to the bathroom and shut the door. I quickly turned on the water so no one could hear me cry. The sting of the water over fresh cuts brought a sense of familiarity to me, and helped ease my anger at not being chosen for the mission, but not my anxiety about Bucky leaving.

Bucky's POV

I got a call to go on a mission with Clint. I could tell Ana wasn't happy about it. I was a little nervous too. She's been through a lot since yesterday and I think she's in a bit of shock. After she left the table in such a hurry, Steve told me what Nat had said to him at the gym. I hadn't thought about what to tell the rest of the team until now.

"Won't some of them, if not all of them, find out eventually?" I asked.

"It's possible," Steve said, "But it should be Ana's choice to tell them."

"I agree, but what do we say about her missing training for the next week?"

"I'll think of something." Steve said, picking up the dishes, "Just worry about your mission."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, this is the best timing ever. I feel bead I can't ask Ana to come with me."

Steve sighed, discarding the dishes in the sink. "You and I both know she can't go." he said.

"I know," I said, "I just don't really want to leave her right now."

Ana's POV

It had been two days since Bucky left for his mission. I was not taking it well. I had been crying myself to sleep since I found out he was leaving. Steve tried to distract me by making sure I was never alone. But I think it was just adding to the stress. It was hard enough missing Bucky and fighting the urge to cut without him, but having to pretend to be happy all the time was hard. I know Steve meant well, but I was still upset. In an attempt to get him to give me some space, I told him I was fine after the first day. I tried to tell the same lie to myself as well, but my own mind was not so easily convinced. I was honestly making an effort not to cut, but I'd made two relapses. I kept them both hidden from Steve. Without Bucky here there was no way I was telling him, especially after his initial reaction.

I was in bed that night, with my body curled up in a tangle of sheets and blankets, clutching my pillow and crying. I had cried myself to sleep for the past two days, and I was almost getting used to the routine. I lay there in the darkness trying to let the tears out silently, even though it wasn't likely anyone would hear. Eventually, I had cried for so long that my head started to feel light, and it was getting harder to get oxygen. It felt like I was only asleep for a couple seconds before I was woken up by a familiar lurch in my stomach. I got out of bed and rushed to my bathroom.

I must have spent the next ten minutes being sick before I went back to bed, trying to brush it off. In an hour, the same thing happened, and I was sick again. Only this time, it was worse. I was on my knees, retching into the toilet. When I was done, I was trembling and weak. A glance at the mirror also showed I was white as a sheet, except under my eyes, where I had dark bags as a result of three very restless nights. I used all of the energy I had left to get back into bed. I tried to go back to sleep but it was hopeless, I would just get sick again in thirty minutes. After two more times of rushing to the bathroom, I flopped back on my bed mumbling "What is wrong with me?" At this point, JARVIS got tired of watching me suffer. I heard his crisp, cool voice through the walls, "I have contacted Captain Rogers; he is on his way."

I groaned into my pillow. I didn't need help, I'd be fine. A few minutes later, I heard a knock outside my bedroom door. Too weak to get up and answer it, I lay there and just waited for the noise to go away. It didn't.

"Ana?" Steve said from the other side of my door, "I'm coming in, alright?"

I guess he took my lack of protest as an okay, because the door started to open. The light flooding into the room almost made me puke again. Because hours of crying and throwing up will leave you with one of the worst headaches ever; like a bass drum pounding inside your skull.

I forced myself to sit up as Steve's silhouette came over and sat down on my bed. "Hey," he whispered, "JARVIS told me you weren't well. Are you getting sick?" He placed the back of his hand against my forehead, and I weakly smacked it away. "I'm fine." I whispered hoarsely, my voice was nearly gone from all the crying, "It's probably nothing." "This is absolutely not nothing." Steve said, brushing my hair behind my ears. I leaned against his chest pathetically, as I was too dizzy to sit up anymore. "If you're so sure there's something wrong, what do you think it is?" Steve's hand moved down to my back, rubbing slow, soothing circles. "My best guess? Probably that you miss Bucky more than you realize."

Something inside of me broke when he said that, and even though I though it impossible, more tears spilled from my eyes, leaving a damp patch on Steve's shoulder. I didn't want to believe for a second my body was weak enough to give out on me over an emotional trauma. I didn't want to believe I'd experienced any kind of emotional trauma. Because when you work side by side with people like Natasha Romanoff, who wouldn't let anything so silly as feelings interfere with her work or responsibilities, (whether they be with SHIELD or something as simple as grocery shopping) and Clint "poker face" Barton, who shows no expressions but serious ones at almost all times, you get the idea that expressing feeling means failure, and emotions are weakness. I try so hard to keep things hidden from most of the team, and I save all of my emotional thoughts or outbursts for when Bucky and Steve are around. So I was having a really hard time admitting something as silly as anxiety for Bucky's return had reduced me to the likeness of a small child. Even though I hadn't spoken, Steve understood the meaning behind my uncontrollable sobbing. "It's okay," he told me, "I miss him too. But he'll be back tomorrow."

I was starting to get my tears under control, but I was still shaking, not so much from anxiety anymore, but from not having anything in my stomach. Steve got me some water, insisting that Bucky would never forgive him for letting me get dehydrated on his watch. "You should try and get some rest." Steve said. I nodded, since I was now feeling rather tired. I gave Steve a hug, "Thank you." I said, "For everything."

Steve smiled and left my room. I leaned back against my pillows and finally got some sleep.

When I woke up, it was almost noon. I would never sleep this late under normal conditions, but the events of the night before left me pretty worn out. I remembered how Steve had spent half of the night sitting with me and calming me down. I felt bad now for hiding my relapse from him. I still didn't want to tell him though, out of fear of a bad reaction. I looked at my clock and realized there was only a couple of hours before I would see Bucky again. That made me smile as I got out of bed, and got dressed. I went to the main floor. We like to have a meal together at least once a week, and often all the team members present in the tower at the time will hang out there. Currently, the people present on this floor were Steve, Tony, Bruce, Natasha, Sam, and Pepper. They had already eaten breakfast, as it was well into the day. Pepper offered me a late brunch, which I declined. "Aren't you hungry, Stasia?" Tony asked (He calls me that because he knows I hate it). As arrogant and obnoxious as Tony can seem at times, he seemed to be showing genuine concern for my wellbeing. "No, I'm fine. Thanks, Tony." I said, staring out the window at the New York skyline. I had bigger things on my mind. I had to see Bucky again. "You really should eat something, Ana." Natasha told me. I shook my head. Natasha's eyes wandered from me to Steve. Natasha's stare can be creepy because she's a spy, so she could be thinking of ways to kill you or that she really likes your top and you'll never know the difference. The way she looked at me today made me nervous. I wondered if Steve had told her anything, or if she was suspicious of me at all. I hoped she wasn't, because when Natasha wants information, she gets it.

After everyone went about their own daily activities. I was waiting impatiently for Bucky's arrival. When JARVIS finally informed me that the quintet had landed, I raced to the roof to meet Bucky. He was getting off the plane when I got there. "Bucky!" I shouted as I ran to hug him. He picked me up and spun me around like in the movies, our usual reunion ritual. As nice as it usually is, with the emptiness and nausea in my stomach, it sent me into a dizzy spell that felt like I just got off the teacups ride at Disneyland. I stumble forward when Bucky put me down, and he grabbed my waist to keep me upright. "Whoa, you alright doll?" I winced as he had just unintentionally dug his fingers into the cut on my side. "Sorry." he said. "It's fine." I said, "I'm alright. I missed you!"

"What about me?" Clint said as he got off the jet. "meh." I shrugged just to annoy him. "Why am I even on this team?" Clint said with mock hurt. I hugged him, then followed him and Bucky inside to the main floor. After greeting the rest of the team. I went with Bucky to his room to help him unpack. It was just then that I noticed he had a bandage on his shoulder.

"You got hurt?" I asked him.

"Not really. I'll be fine in a couple days." He assured me, "I'm more worried about you, doll. What happened up there on the roof?" I turned away from him, occupying myself with folding a t-shirt almost too perfectly, "It was nothing. I just skipped breakfast."

"You what?" Bucky asked, mumbling something about Steve being irresponsible under his breath. Then he looked at me with his crystal blue eyes so full of concern and asked the one question I hoped he wouldn't. "Have you cut yourself recently?" I looked down at the now very interesting carpet. "Anastasia?" I nodded. Bucky sighed, and pulled me into a hug. "Did you tell Steve?"

"No." I mumbled into his chest. Bucky sighed again, "Ana, he could have helped you." He paused and pulled away from me "What happened, sweetheart?" "I don't know. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I'm just glad you're back."

"Me too, doll. Me too."

Bucky's POV

I knew Ana wasn't telling me something. I had to tell Steve about her relapse, and further discuss what to do to help Ana recover. I knew she wouldn't like it, but maybe it would help to talk to someone that wasn't Steve or me. But right now, I did just want to enjoy being home. So I gave her a smile, " Why don't we go find Steve and get something to eat? I'm starving."