The last thing Ana remembered clearly, was Bucky dragging her out of the bar. The rest of the night was a blur. She couldn't divide her real memories from her intoxicated dreams. She went to sleep with her mind clouded and light, and woke up with it dull and foggy. The small stream of light coming through the curtains felt like it was splitting her skull in half. She rolled out of bed. Upon hitting the floor she observed the bed she had been sleeping in was not her own. She blinked away the remaining fuzziness of sleep, and fumbled towards the bathroom. She flipped on the light, and noticed despite what she would have guessed, she wasn't in her clothes from last night. She was in a pair of light cotton pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.
'I was way too drunk to put these on last night.' Ana thought to herself.
Just a small sliver of a memory came back to her. She shrugged it off, however, and simply grabbed her cardigan to cover her arms before she went downstairs. Steve and Bucky were the only ones up. Ana realized it actually was pretty early, and while all she wanted was to crawl back in bed and sleep the day away, her headache was never going to allow that. So instead she wobbled over to a barstool at the island and put her head down on the counter. She felt a hand on her shoulder and a soft voice.
"Coffee?"
Ana gave a barely noticeable nod but the message seemed to get across because only seconds later there was a steaming mug at her fingertips along with two aspirin courtesy of Tony, who must have entered the room shortly after Ana. She swallowed both quickly, ignoring the wave of nausea that passed through her from the smell of the coffee.
"Can I get you anything to eat, Ana?" Steve asked.
"I'll eat anything." Ana mumbled back.
Steve piled some pancakes on her plate which she ate slowly. Steve and Tony had long since left the kitchen but Bucky stayed to sit with Ana.
Ana sat in silence for some of the time, but eventually couldn't help asking the question she'd been wondering since she woke up.
"What happened after we left the bar last night?"
"Well, Logan drove us home. And then I had to carry you inside."
"Was Pepper there or was that just a dream?"
"No, she was there. Helped you get into bed." Bucky said, drinking his coffee.
"She did?" Ana said with a hint of panic. The image in the back of her mind seemed more plausible now.
"Yes?" Bucky replied, "Is that a problem. Tony wanted to talk to me, and I know you didn't want anyone to know about us yet so I thought… "
"No, it's fine." Ana interjected, "I understand what you were thinking it's just… I didn't… not this way… " Ana groaned, putting her head in her hands.
"Doll, what's wrong?" Bucky inquired, rubbing her back.
Ana looked at him incredulously, as if saying 'how did you not notice?'
"Umm, I'm not wearing the same clothes as yesterday; and Pepper was the last one who saw me."
"Oh?" Bucky's brow furrowed in confusion, then the realization struck him, "Oh!" his eyes went wide, "Do you want to talk to her about it?"
Ana shrugged, "I don't know. Who's to say she didn't know anyway? She's Tony's girlfriend after all and he knows, but still, I don't want anyone to just find out like that. God only knows what she's thinking."
"She'd never think bad of you, doll. None of us would." Bucky consoled.
Ana stared blankly at the remaining pancakes on her plate.
"I just want to get out of here." she mumbled.
"If you want, we can go somewhere to take your mind off of this." Bucky offered.
"Like a date?"
Bucky grinned, "I guess so. Our first real date."
"What are we gonna do?" Ana asked.
"I don't know." Bucky replied. Suddenly he realized he hadn't really thought of anything special. He and Ana used to go out and do things together all the time, but dates were meant to be special, right? What would they do that they hadn't done already.
"How about dinner?" Bucky proposed, "Somewhere special, fancy."
"Sounds nice." Ana scoffed, "But there's a sea of press and and paparazzi down on street level.
"What's wrong?" Bucky asked.
"Nothing, it's just, how are we going to go out anywhere without anyone seeing us? Especially with all this media stuff going on right now? Sam said the reporters were swarming the outside of the lobby." she scrubbed her hands over her face, "This is exactly why I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to feel trapped again!"
Bucky kissed Ana's nose, "You worry too much. Please just say yes, I'll take care of everything."
Ana returned his kiss, "Okay, fine. Yes."
He now debated telling Ana about Ross. Proposing a press conference to her right now would only make her more upset. However, if they didn't clear this up soon, it would turn into a mess.
"Ana," Bucky started, clearing his throat, "there's something… " he paused to find the right words. JARVIS interrupted however.
"Miss Collette, a package has arrived for you. Shall I send it up?"
Bucky breathed a sigh of relief. Saved by the bell.
"I didn't order a package, Jarvis."
"Nevertheless, it is addressed to you."
"Alright, send it up."
"It has been successfully delivered to your flat, Miss Collette."
Ana got off the barstool she was sitting on to seek out the mystery package. She had thought she might have ordered a book or something on Amazon and forgotten about it. Instead she got a surprise. Sitting there in her living room, was an old black trunk with decals and stickers plastered all over. Bucky watched as she gasped with joy, kneeling in front of the trunk and softly tracing her fingers over it as if unsure of its reality.
As her hands grazed the sides of the trunk, she found an envelope taped there. She quickly tore it open and pulled out the letter. It was brief, written in neat penmanship as follows:
Ana,
I apologize for last night. Mom and I are not on speaking terms after what happened. I wanted to send this home with you last night but after we'd gone out looking for you I completely forgot about it. I had it shipped as soon as I possibly could. I'm sorry it's not everything but I saved what I could.
Love you,
Logan
Ana carefully folded the note and placed it on her coffee table. Then she clicked the latch of the trunk open. She had tears in the corners of her eyes as she peered inside.
"What's in it?" Bucky asked, kneeling next to her.
"Just some old memory stuff." She said, "Pictures and other sentimental garbage."
Bucky laughed, "Don't take that stuff for granted, I wish I still had some photos of my Ma or sisters"
Ana pulled out some pictures. School photos, family photos, and some other things.
Ana smiled as she pulled out some worn copies of children's books. She trailed her fingers lightly over the pages, like she was afraid they'd disappear. "My grandma used to read to me all the time." she said with a smile. She dug further in the box and found some letters and pictures, she looked over them while a sparkling glint of something metal caught his eye. He reached in and pulled out a chain with two metal tabs hanging on the end. He held them up high, with a look of astonishment.
"You were in the army?" He asked.
Ana looked up, her eyes locked on the dog tags in his hand, "Marines, actually." She said, turning the dog tags over in his hand so he could see the earth and anchor logo etched into it. She pulled out some more photos. Herself at boot camp graduation, one of her sitting on a tank, cleaning her rifle, and so many other things. Each photo was taken with excellent precision, in fantastic lighting.
"They were taken by my… friend, Ryan."
"You've never said anything."
"Really? I'm sure I mentioned it. It was a long time ago though." Ana shrugged, "I enlisted right out of high school, at seventeen. Didn't even go to my graduation."
Now that he thought about it, Bucky did remember Ana mentioning something about the military, but he hadn't paid it much attention then.
Ana dug further in the box, shuffling through old photos, knick knacks, and sketches, until she heard a rattling sound. Her face fell. She clutched a small box to her chest.
"These were my first tools." She mumbled. She took a deep breath and set them aside, peering into the trunk once more.
"I can't believe he found all these!" She exclaimed, pulling out some leather bound journals and old school notebooks, "I thought I hid them so well."
"What are those?" Bucky inquired.
Ana chuckled, flipping a few pages in one of the journals. "I loved keeping journals, and just writing in general."
Bucky reached for one, "Really?"
Ana lunged at him before he could open it. "No! Don't read that!"
"What? Why not?"
"Cause it's all stupid teenage stuff or fantasy drabbles or romance fanfiction where Pete Wentz falls in love with me!"
Bucky had already peered at the first page before she could stop him though.
'The sky is grey and gloomy as I feel. I feel trapped in time while the rest of the world spins on without me.' He read aloud. Ana was blushing furiously as he turned more pages.
'The city calls to me. I don't know what it is but I need to go there. Maybe for a chance to be a part of something bigger, or maybe just to get lost in the crowd and disappear.'
A few more pages…
'It's beautiful here. The lights, the sounds, even the smells feel like heaven. I'm sad to go, because I know I may not return. But this is my only way out of a place where I'm a prisoner, not a citizen. I'd rather die free than live defeated.'
"Babe, this is beautiful. You wrote from your heart. Why are you so ashamed of it?"
"Because that last entry… " Ana said with tears in her eyes, "was what I wrote in the plane on the plane after I left home."
"Why is that so wrong?"
"Because!" Ana said, the tears flowing freely now, "I didn't enlist in the military for patriotism or my country's honor. I just did it to get out of my house! And being around American heroes like you and Steve all the time just rubs that in my face!"
Bucky's face changed to an emotion Ana couldn't even describe, he pulled her into his lap and pushed her hair out of her eyes. "Ana, you should never, ever feel that way. You chose to serve. So many people enlist for many reasons and yours was just as valid. To tell you the truth, I used to feel a lot like you do now. I was drafted. I didn't want to go. But in the end I know I did some good. We won, didn't we?"
Ana shrugged.
"I know this won't be a good time to bring it up, but I can't put it off much longer." Bucky continued with a sigh. Ana was full alert now, "What's going on?"
Bucky tried, honestly. He was going to tell her Tony's idea. He was not going to chicken out. Ana needed to know.
"Umm... Tony has a proposal for you."
Great job, Barnes. "What is it?" Ana asked.
"Well… uh… it's sort of a… " Bucky choked out, trying to say it nicely.
Ana momentarily forgot all about what was happening as she gasped loudly.
"I need to call Logan and thank him!" She exclaimed, "Hang on, I need to do that then I'll go talk to Tony."
Bucky sighed out of relief. Good. It was Tony's problem now.
Ana and Bucky entered Tony's workshop. He and Bruce were there, typing away on holographic screens. Tony grinned when he saw Ana.
"Stasia! You look lovely as always! And Barnes, you look just as much like yourself as always. Ana, I have some schematics for your new rifle if you want to see." He dragged her over to a screen. Any kind of new tech got Tony as excited as a little kid at Disneyland. "I lengthened the barrel to give it the effect—"
"Was this your proposal? Bucky made it sound more serious than a new gun."
Tony stopped, looking from Bucky to Ana again.
"Oh. That. I thought Barnes was gonna tell you. Oh well. Yes, about that. Pepper received word that some political scumbags are taking interest in your story. She thinks a press conference might be able to keep them from using anything against us."
"How? I-I don't understand."
"If we tell the truth first, the rumors will hopefully die off."
"But I don't even know what to do at a press conference, and I hate public speaking."
"I'm sure you'd do just fine." Tony tried to argue.
"No, you don't understand. I really, really can't do this."
"It's better to have everyone hear the truth from you first. Ross won't hesitate to make this footage something it's not." Bruce chimed in. Ana didn't know Ross personally. She'd only heard horror stories from other Avengers; and based on that, she definitely didn't want to meet him. She tried helplessly to fight back her tears before she spoke again.
"But I wouldn't know what to say. How do you just go out and say, 'Hi, I'm Anastasia and I've been working undercover with the Avengers for three years because they dragged me away from a Hydra training camp'?!"
"We stretch the truth a little." Tony explained.
"Okay, now you've really got the wrong person. I cannot lie. It's why I'm a sniper and not a spy. I cannot do this… please don't make me do this." she begged. Her voice sounded small and afraid. She was visibly trembling and holding back every urge to run or fight or punch something. Bucky knew then it was time to intervene. However, Bruce interjected first.
"Ana, no one is going to force you to do anything, but Tony does have a good point. You should consider the consequences."
Ana nodded solemnly, still trying to calm down from her outburst.
"If you want," Tony offered, "Pepper and I can make sure it's a no questions panel. Or have any questions filtered. And it's not like you'd be alone. I'd be with you, and maybe even Steve or Nat."
Ana nodded again, trying to process the information given to her. After a few minutes, Tony had convinced her, on a few conditions:
The press conference be small and private.
Tony, Pepper, Steve, and Nat would be there. Bucky would be in attendance, but not actively talking to the press.
She was not required to make any claims that weren't true.
Tony gave her his word that if any conditions were broken, the press conference would be called off immediately. PR was important, but not as important as her wellbeing.
Tony and Ana left shortly to discuss details of the press conference with Pepper.
"Thanks for interrupting earlier." Bucky told Bruce.
"No problem. Tony means well, he just doesn't always know how to say things the right way."
Bucky scoffed, "You got that right." he stared blankly ahead for almost a full minute.
"You alright?"
"What? Oh! Yeah… I just- I'm-"
"Worried about Ana?"
"Yeah, I didn't expect her to freak out like that. I mean, she's freaked out in front of me, even at me before, but never at teammates. It's just not her."
"The kind of withdrawal she's probably experiencing can make people irritable." Bruce stated. Bucky gave him an incredulous look.
"Tony told me about her problem." he explained.
"Of course he did." Bucky growled.
"He wasn't gossiping." Bruce defended, "He actually wanted my 'professional' opinion. I still can't convince him I'm not that kind of doctor, but he did seem very concerned. I told him what I could.
"Which was?"
"That all the warning signs he suspected were accurate. And that most people who cut are usually looking to distract themselves from emotional pain through physical pain. When an individual injures themself, the brain releases endorphins which can almost give someone a 'high' feeling. It gets addictive after a while, which is why sudden stopping can lead to irritability. It's not uncommon for people experiencing that kind of withdrawal to be… moody."
"Oh." Bucky mumbled, a bit dumbfounded by his lack of knowledge, "Shouldn't she feel better if she's not cutting though?"
Bruce shrugged, "She may not be cutting, but she's not coping either."
Bucky had so many questions at this point. But the one burning on his mind was, "What is she trying to cope with?"
Bruce sighed, "Bucky, I'm not that kind of doctor. If you have more questions, I happen to know one of the head psychologists at SHIELD. I could give you her number so you could talk to her."
"No." Bucky barked too quickly, but suddenly reconsidered his answer. "I mean, I wouldn't want to bother her."
"It wouldn't be a bother. This is her job, and she's plenty of cases like Ana's before."
Bruce scribbled a name and number across a sheet of paper. Bucky folded the paper and stuffed it into his pocket.
Ana sat in her bedroom, clothes strewn everywhere, shoes as well, and still she couldn't decide on a thing to wear. She had no clue what Bucky had in mind, and therefore didn't know if she should be formal or casual. She was secretly hoping for the latter, simply because her closet was so limited in formal attire. She didn't own anything black tie or 'evening' related. A couple businessy outfits, and one cocktail dress was all she had, and the dress was not going to work because it didn't have sleeves. Ana was at a loss, especially because she couldn't call Nat or Pepper for help. She thought of just asking him what to wear, but she didn't want to seem… helpless. She went through her closet once more, thinking of how she could pull off wearing tights and a cardigan over her dress, when an idea struck her.
"JARVIS? is Bucky in his apartment?"
"Yes, Miss Collette."
"Could you, by any chance… tell me what he's wearing?"
"Nothing, at the moment."
Ana blushed furiously at the thought. She cleared her throat, "Do you know what he's planning on wearing?"
"I'm afraid not."
Ana sighed. She should not be panicking this much over her clothes and hair! She was a grown adult dammit! With one more frustrated sigh she decided to focus on her hair and makeup instead. Her luck wasn't much better with that. She had smudged her eyeliner and she was so nervous that her hands just wouldn't stop shaking. She was trying to steady herself enough to try eyeliner one more time, when she heard a knock on her door. She quickly made sure her robe was in place before answering, "Come in."
Wanda popped her head into the bedroom.
"Hi, Ana! JARVIS let me in; I hope you don't mind. Some of us are going to a movie tonight an- You're going on a date!" She exclaimed, pointing at Ana.
Ana nodded. No point in denying it when her room presently looked like a scene from a cliche teen romance movie.
"Oh my goodness Ana! It's Bucky, isn't it?"
"What?! How do you know?!"
"Please," Wanda said passively, "It's quite obvious he likes you, and that you like him."
Ana sighed. No point in trying to lie to someone who could see her mind.
"Well he's not going to like my hair or outfit."
Wanda darted over to where Ana sat in front her bathroom mirror. "Let me help! Please?"
"Be my guest."
Wanda waved her fingers in a delicate motion, and the eyeliner levitated from the counter, and was gracefully applied to Ana's eyes with ease. Mascara followed the same process, then blush. The floating makeup applied itself gently and gave a natural and graceful appearance. Ana was amazed. No wonder Wanda's eye makeup always looked so flawless.
"Thank you so much," Ana breathed, examining her face from every angle, growing more and more pleased with the magic makeup, "You are so doing my makeup for the press conference."
"Of course." Wanda replied, she helped Ana pull back the front part of her hair, and pin it in place. "But now we must choose an outfit."
Ana groaned audibly.
"Miss Collette," JARVIS' cool, calm tone interjected, "Mister Barnes is on his way."
"Here. Wear this." Wanda said, pushing a dress and tights in Ana's direction. It was a long sleeve dark green dress she had nearly forgot she owned at all. The skirt flared out and stopped a few inches above her knees. The tights were a good precaution though. Now the only obstacle was the shoes. Luckily Wanda had taken care of that while Ana was changing in the bathroom. She set out the perfect pair of black ankle boots, and a simple but elegant gold necklace and earrings.
Once she was fully dressed, Wanda stepped back to check her work. Ana held her breath while her friend's eyes glanced up and down.
"Perfect!" She finally announced, "Now, go! Bucky is waiting! I'll go after the two of you have left."
Ana smiled, "Thank you." she mouthed as she slipped out the door. Her heart was pounding the whole way down the stairs, and her stomach felt like it was in knots. 'There's nothing to worry about.' she tried to convince herself. Bucky was her best friend in the entire world, and now her boyfriend, she shouldn't be scared to see him. With a trembling hand she turned the doorknob.
Bucky stood before her, dressed in a baby blue shirt and a dark blue blazer, grinning from ear to ear.
"You ready, doll?"
I guess so." Ana mumbled. He offered her his arm, like the old fashioned gentleman he truly was underneath all the scruff and scowls. Ana graciously accepted and they strode off down the hall together. Ana was so taken with his eyes sparkling, his hair so tediously smoothed and styled, and his dazzling smile, that she nearly forgot where she was. That is, until they got in the elevator. He reached to push a button, but she stopped him.
"Wait. The reporters, and the team, someone could see us this way."
Bucky gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, "Fair point, but I told you I would take care of everything. If we can't go down, we'll just go up." He pressed the button for the roof. Ana let the ride continue in silence, but held a firm grasp on his arm. When the doors opened, the sight before her took her breath away.
Fairy lights hung low from some beams, creating a soft glow over the patio. There was a table set with some marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers, and the small fire pit with low, crackling flames gave her a hint to their purpose. There was also a movie screen set up, and massive amounts of blankets and pillows.
"Bucky, this is beautiful." Ana breathed.
"I had JARVIS help." Bucky said with a grin, "You said you felt trapped, so I wanted to give you an escape. I wanted to take you dancing, but that didn't seem like an option with the paparazzi and all, and it's a clear night so I thought this would be a good alternative."
Ana smiled, "And wherever would we be escaping to, Mr. Barnes?"
"Anywhere you want. Rome, London, or even a galaxy far, far, away."
Ana looked at the stack of DVDs he had brought. Star Wars, Star Trek, Roman Holiday, Jurassic Park, a bunch of James Bond movies, and even some Disney classics.
Ana laughed, "That's a lot of movies to watch in one night."
"I couldn't decide on one, so I brought them all." He said with the most genuine and true smile she'd ever seen on him.
"I love you." Ana said, she couldn't think of anything else to say. Everything was so perfect. She couldn't have asked for a better first date. Bucky returned her proclamations with a chaste kiss, "I love you too."
"Did you really like it?" Bucky asked after their movie was over.
Ana's face glowed, "It was wonderful. I'm sorry we can't do a night on the town, you seemed pretty set on dancing earlier."
"Oh, I still plan on dancing." Bucky replied mischievously as he grabbed Ana's hand and pulled her close. Music filled the air between the two of them. An upbeat song Ana wasn't at all familiar with. He took one of her hands and placed his other around her waist.
"What are you doing?" Ana asked.
"Just follow my lead." He said. He led her through the steps of the first few songs. They were both experienced dancers, and occasionally tried some interesting dips or twirls. They were laughing and smiling the whole time. Ana was beginning to wonder why she was so worried at all. Eventually a slow song started to play. Bucky held his eyes on Ana the whole time. Knowing firsthand how awful it was to forget the things you most want to remember, he took the time to cement this moment in his brain. He committed to memory the way she looked her emerald dress that matched so perfectly with her eyes, which were for once visible, rather than hidden by her hair, which cascaded down her back, and the rhythm of the song they danced to, the feeling of the soft breeze against his neck, and the glow of the city lights flickering across the starless sky.
"You look amazing, by the way." he told her
"Thanks," Ana whispered, feeling her cheeks burn, "so do you."
She pulled away, leaving her arms around his neck, so she could tangle them softly in his hair. They swayed with the music for a few more moments, then Bucky leaned down to kiss her. Ana returned the kiss with deep passion, placing her hands on his cheeks and pulling him closer to her. It had felt awkward at first, when only their lips touched. But when they were close together wrapped in an embrace it all felt so natural. When he held her, and she felt his arms around her, it felt safe. Perfect in every way. It felt like home.
AN: I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I am hoping to have the next one finished soon, but I will be doing a lot of travelling in the next two months so updates may be slow. I have also been a little busy and stressed about school stuff, but hopefully that will all be cleared up soon and I will have more time for writing. Thank you again to everyone who read and reviewed. It always makes my day :)