Chapter 16 Matters of the Heart
Summer turned into fall faster than Hiei expected. Maybe it was the change in his home that had made the days fly by. He realized that before they kissed, she was being a good Queen; a proper hostess and mistress of the fortress. After they kissed, she had become a good wife, attending to anything he needed at the end of the day or nagging him about odds and ends that had slipped through him mind. He was happy with her acting that way, he had received a lot kisses and after a little hard work, had slid onto second base (Yusuke would have been proud). Hiei found that her irresistible kisses rivaled his undying addiction to sweet snow and that her bewitching powers over him increased, though much to his pleasure he was able to turn the tables on her more frequently.
While he was happy with her, there were times when he was irritated with her. Sometimes she would wake up on the other side of the bed and mercilessly torture him with her nagging, redundant chatter, or would just be plain angry at him. This usually occurred when she was in her womanly cycle and before he would have simply avoided her. With their increased level of intimacy however, Hiei found it a lot harder to dodge her. He tried to make up excuses to leave the fortress for most of the day but she saw through them easily and ended up crying, claiming he didn't want to be around her anymore. As true as it could be at the time, he had no choice but to reassure her of his affection and put up with her crazy mood wings for the rest of the day.
The most difficult times were when she would be just plain angry for no reason that he could see. Mîra always seemed to have a reason, even if he thought it was ridiculous and couldn't fathom why she would be angry over it to begin with. There were things that he learned, such as to tell her if he needed to run out for some urgent matter or if he was going to be late for dinner. But there were also things that ended up beyond his control and no matter how he argued, it was always his fault. No, the fact that she created explosions in his dungeons all the time, causing the maids to be terrified, or that she refused to kiss him if he was dirty and hadn't showered, or would spend all the money in the treasury if he wasn't keeping a vigilant track of the funds didn't bother him one bit. Nope, not at all. He kept silent however, not really wanting to get into an argument and so he entertained her when she was angry with him. Kurama said that this was normal for a relationship, people are different and there will be pet peeves that one has about the other but that if he could work through them, things would turn out fine. Hiei believed him, of course, but it still didn't change the fact that whenever she wasn't happy, he probably wouldn't be either.
Hiei came home one night to find her in such a mood. He had a long day making rounds to neighboring villages, collecting the semi-annual tribute, and he had to take care of issues he wasn't expecting. That and the fact that he had to go collect the Koorime tribute. Normally he would send Shana but the fall had been a little cooler than it normally was and he felt that she might freeze. Needless to say, all he wanted that day was to come home to his wife's lovely smile, a good shower, and have some nice private time with Mîra.
Instead, she glared at him when he walked into their room. Mîra was sitting against the headboard of the bed, reading and waiting for him but she looked far from happy. He nodded to her as he made his way over to greet her. She offered him her cheek, which irked him, and frowned.
"Your cloak has blood on it. You need to give that to Maria to clean before the blood stains it permanently," she said in a snippy tone. Well, it was nice to see her too.
"Hn." He waited for her to make her usual remark as he sat down in the chair at her vanity to take off his boots. When it didn't come, he looked up to see her still glaring at him.
"Why are you sitting in the chair with a bloodstained cloak? You'll ruin the fabric on the cushion."
Hiei narrowed his eyes at her. "If you want it off, do it yourself," he growled. Wordlessly she spun her hand in a circle and Hiei felt wind move around him. She closed her hand into a fist and jerked it towards her, ripping the cloak off of him and into her hands. After his body got over the shock, he glared at her. He should have known better than to challenge her, she always followed through no matter what he said. Still, it pissed him off. He didn't know what put her in such a bad mood but he didn't really care to find out at the moment. She called for Shana and had the shadow demon take the cloak to Maria and he began to walk towards the bathroom to shower when her voice cut through to him.
"So are you going to tell me who you killed today?" Her voice was cool but he knew that killing a demon wasn't enough to cause her anger. Hiei toyed with the idea of ignoring her but that would probably put her in a worse mood which would result in no kisses the next day. He had already given up on the current day.
"A couple of B class demons were stirring up trouble for a small clan. I would have sent guards except they were foolish enough to attack while I was there," Hiei said flatly and went into the bathroom before she could say anything else. After enjoying a nice, hot ten minute shower, which was long for him, he reentered the room expecting to see her reading in bed except she wasn't there. Hiei frowned and checked the large walk in closet but she wasn't there either. Hiei then noticed the open window. As soon as the weather had gotten colder, Mîra refused to open the window. There was no way that she would have opened it unless she had gone outside. He quickly stepped back as something whizzed by him, just barely missing his nose. It landed on her vanity and he saw it was a small rock.
Hiei frowned, confused when he felt another coming and he stepped aside, causing another small rock he had not noticed to hit him in the head. Growling he darted to the window to see his wife sitting in the tree outside the window wearing a long sleeved navy blue shirt and grey sweatpants. Her hair was pulled up into a high ponytail and in one hand, she held a small rock and the other held two katanas.
"Mîr-" Hiei began but was cut off by her chucking another rock at him. The rock missed and he darted out of the window, furious. What the hell was her problem? She darted out of the tree and he chased her to their usual sparring place. He noticed she dropped one of the swords in time to dodge her as came charging at him with a blade. He quickly grabbed the scabbard and unsheathed the sword as she came at him again. Furious for attacking him with rocks and now a sword, he blindly charged at her swiping, dicing, and jumping but she blocked all of his attacks easily.
"Why are you so weak today, your Highness? I thought you were better than this, I'm not even using my usual weapon," Mîra said snidely as she charged towards him.
"Damn, woman!" he growled as he blocked her sword, their swords pressing against the other. Her damn eyes looked so cool, in control, and haughty. He hated when her eyes looked at him like that. He felt as though she was telling that she was better than him, that if he hadn't surprised her with the dragon that she would have won and killed him.
"Damn me all you want, it won't change how weak you are today, Hiei," She smiled wickedly at him. Enraged he pushed her back and she laughed as she dodged him. He began to chase her, always a step behind her. She jumped up into the air and Hiei darted to where he predicted her landing. He readied his sword and struck at her as she came down but she parried it, using her momentum and his grounding to push herself against his sword and flip back behind him. As she was in the air he reached out to her and in her effort to dodge his attack the sword slipped out of her hand before she landed.
Mîra landed a few feet away from him and eyed him arrogantly, hand on her hip. Normally Hiei found the look to be a slight turn on but tonight her visage fueled his anger.
"What the hell is your problem?" He spat and she smirked at him.
"What's the matter? Angry you can't even force a small kiss off of your poor little wife?" She mocked.
"Tch, you will regret those words, woman," He said, pointing his blade at her.
Mîra's smirk widened. "Make me."
Hiei charged at her, picking up the sword that had slipped out of her hands. She jumped backwards, avoiding the blades. Hiei knew she couldn't keep dodging them, as poor as his dual wielding skills were. When he noticed one of the blades miss her by a hair, darted around her and before she could turn around he tripped her, causing her to fall to the ground. She rolled on her back and Hiei straddled her crossing the blades at her throat.
Mîra eyed him calmly, an arrogant gleam in her eyes, as he breathed heavily trying to catch his breath. This damn woman had put him through the wringer after an extremely long day and what came out of it? Not moving the blades, he slowly kneeled on the ground and hovered his face over hers. This infuriating woman! He couldn't kiss her without discarding the blades, which could give her an opening, unless he was able to distract her enough that she would forget about the fight. Chances are he might forget too but he was okay with that. He deserved it after a long day.
He discarded the swords and grabbed her by her hair and thrust his mouth savagely against hers. He pulled away, suppressing the hungering desire rising within him. He stared at her, her proud eyes triumphant and a smirk still played on her lips. She had toyed with him right into her hand, for whatever reason he had lost when he won.
"You infuriating woman! I don't know what the hell your problem is but you messed with me on the wrong day," He snarled before shoving her mouth against his. She responded to the kiss this time, wrapping her arms around his neck, her hands entangled in his hair. His anger dissipated as she deepened the kiss and he leaned over, allowing her head to rest on the ground. He realized that kissing her wasn't nearly as menacing as his words were, slitting her throat would have been more appropriate. However, he liked her too much to do that plus the action he was currently engaged in was much more pleasurable.
Hiei began to trail kisses down her neck as his fingers slid beneath the hem of her shirt. He suddenly felt her hand firmly grab his wrist and she used her other hand to push him up.
"Now, now let's control ourselves shall we?" she asked, smirking.
"Hn," he frowned. He stood, moving to one side, and offered her his hand. She accepted and he helped pull her up.
"Not a word, you savage barbarian," she said. Her eyes twinkled at him and he knew she meant the insult to be endearing. Savage was new, however. She rubbed the back of her head, now frowning. "So are you into really rough sex or something? Because I don't think I could handle you yanking on my hair every time."
Hiei chose not to answer the question. He assumed he would be… aggressive based off of his previous encounters. He also knew, however, not to take the question so seriously. Sex was something she had come to joke about with him. He knew just as well as she did that neither of them were ready to take that next step in their relationship. Still, it didn't prevent her from openly discussing it or teasing him with it.
"What were you so angry about earlier?" he asked, diverting the conversation.
"Hm?" She cocked her head, thinking. "Oh yeah!" She glared at him. Maybe it would have been better not to mention it at all. "Let's talk about it after we shower, I need one now."
Hiei took the opportunity, he didn't get many. "I didn't think you cared to save water." He was smirking playfully at her and she rolled her eyes at him.
"Please, in your dreams." She picked up a katana and sheathed it before bounding back to the castle. If only she knew…
After they had both showered, they got into bed with the lights out. More and more, they had begun talking, well Mîra mostly, before they fell asleep with the lights out. Hiei kind of liked it, he found the conversation to be a little more intimate and private, as though they were swapping secrets in their secret haven. Curled up next to him, her head nuzzling his chest, Mîra spoke first.
"Sorry about earlier. I was irked about something I heard today and it was eating away at me. When you came home frustrated and after I antagonized you, I thought we could both use a little stress reliever. I think it helped," she giggled.
Hiei didn't say anything but began to run his fingers through her hair a little. When he first saw Yusuke do this to Keiko he thought it was silly, he had thought a lot of their actions were silly, but being in a real relationship had changed his ideas about some of them. This was one of them. He found the action soothing to himself, more than anything. He found comfort that he was the only one that could touch her like this and that she would be the only one to receive this sort of touch. He had told that to Kurama once, in passing, and the fox had laughed telling him he was very possessive but how could he not be?
"Anyway, you're hiding something from me and I know it." She pushed herself up and looked at him solemnly. "I don't like it."
Hiei frowned, he wasn't hiding anything from her. Seeing his frown her she said,
"I received a call from Yukina today, on the telapathone I enchanted-"
"Telephone."
"-Telephone I enchanted and she said she needed to talk to you tomorrow. I asked her if everything was okay and she just said she needed to talk to you." Her eyes narrowed at him. "What is going on? Yukina tells me everything."
Why would Yukina need to talk- oh. That. He hadn't forgotten that but he did forget that Mîra didn't know. He considered lying to keep the matter as private as possible but she was bound to find out anyway and she wasn't a blabber mouth like Boton.
"Kuwabara proposed to Yukina. I assume it has something to do with that."
Mîra's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh oh my gosh ohmygosh!" she squealed. "When, when, when?" she asked excitedly.
Hiei sighed, his ears ringing slightly. "I don't know exactly when but the last time we visited the human world, the oaf asked permission from me."
His wife frowned at him. "I thought he didn't know." Hiei shrugged his shoulders and she laid back down. After the Club Incident, Kuwabara had presumably been able to put two and two together but he never mentioned the issue to him. So when he asked Hiei to have a word in private, he thought Kuwabara was going to confront him. Instead, he bluntly said that he wanted to ask Yukina to marry him and he wanted to do it the right way and ask Hiei first. Hiei had almost considered saying no out of shock but seeing the red head so serious made him pause.
Kuwabara had always cared for Yukina and he treasured her above everything in his life. Hiei also knew that he could protect her should the need arise. Above all else, he knew that the oaf made Yukina happy. Hiei didn't know if she was in love with him but he could see the way she looked at him to know that she cared enough. Hiei couldn't object, though he did make a good threat. Surprisingly, Kuwabara told him he would deserve worse if he ever harmed Yukina. That was how Hiei knew that as much as he found the oaf to be annoying, that he was content with his precious sister in his hands. Kuwabara asked him to keep it quiet and so he complied, but he assumed Yukina would have told all her girlfriends after he popped the question. The fact that she didn't meant that something was bothering her.
"I can go if you take over for my rounds. I still have a few more tributes to collect," Hiei said.
"Mmm, that's fine. I need to make nice with more demons anyway," she said drowsily. Hiei could tell that sleep was claiming his wife and he closed his eyes, hoping that whatever Yukina's problems were, that he could actually help.
00000
Hiei found his sister by the small lake on Genkai's property. It wasn't hard considering there was snow covering a small radius of tress that wouldn't receive the winter chill for a few more months. In the years after the Rekai's border was brought down Yukina had asked to see him more and more, accompanying her through the human town or just in Genkai's temple for tea. He had suspected that she missed the company of her kind. The Makai, though tumultuous, always felt soothing to him and he knew that was where he belonged. As such, he wasn't surprised by her request to see him especially since she had called him brother to his face. Granted, she hadn't done it since the Club Incident but a quiet understanding had settled between them but she openly treated him as though he was her brother. Honestly, he didn't mind in the least bit.
As he headed towards her, he was surprised by the amount of youki she was emitting. He knew that she had received training to enhance her healing every now and then but he didn't realize how much she had grown. She could easily become a powerful demon with some training but Hiei knew that the idea never even crossed her thoughts. Yukina was happy in the human world, surrounded by real friends and able to express herself in a manner that hadn't been allowed on the floating island. She was much more suited for the light the human world had to offer than the cold, dim island.
Hiei jumped down from the trees behind her and icicles formed behind her, threateningly hovering above the ground and pointing their sharp ends at him. Hiei was impressed, she must have learned how to defend herself better as well.
"Yukina," he said calmly and the icicles fell to the ground as she spun around, her hands covering her mouth, her eyes wide in horror.
"Hiei-kun, I'm so sorry, please forgive me! I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I did not recognize you at first, please forgive me!" She said frantically, bowing deeply to him. He walked over to her and gently pushed her up.
"It's fine," He said and her worried expression softened. She turned to look back out at the frozen lake in front of her and she had a sad, long look on her face. Hiei didn't want to assume anything so he stayed silent until she was ready to speak. She walked over to the edge of the lake and sat down and Hiei followed suit, causing the ice beneath him to melt. Ignoring the wet spot on his pants, he stared out at the frozen scenery before him. Hiei had come to loathe winter, it reminded him of the homeland that had cast him aside.
"Hiei-kun," Yukina's sweet but sad voice gently brought Hiei out of his thoughts. He looked over at her to see her clutching a small black velvet box over her heart.
"Kazuma… he wishes to make me his mate." She didn't sound happy, angry, or sad, just conflicted. Yukina looked down at the box in her hands and opened it. The solitaire diamond glittered brightly in the sunlight and Hiei was pleased to see that Kuwabara had spent decent money on the ring, it was worthy of his sister. Judging by the look on her face however, she didn't seem to feel worthy of the ring.
"Hiei-kun, I do not know… I…" Her voice trailed off as tears welled in her eyes. "He told me he wanted to be my mate because he loved me, more than anything but I…" Yukina turned to Hiei, her visage full of anguish, "I don't know what love is!" She cried and began to sob.
Hiei watched his sister as her tears solidified and tumbled out from underneath her hands. He wanted to reach out to her but he was nervous. Instead, he picked up the gems out of the ground and threw them into the lake. He wasn't taking the chance of anyone finding them. He continued picking them up and tossing them as her crying lessened. When she fell silent he stood next to her, protectively, and he felt her hand grasp his cloak. He looked down at her and she smiled weakly back at him.
"Thank you," she whispered. He didn't respond but sat down, thinking. Hiei contemplated what he should say to her. She wanted to know about love… whatever it was. Hell if he knew. How was he supposed to help his sister if even he didn't know what the word meant?
He could hear Yukina breathing deeply as she spoke again. "I am happy with him. I was happy the first moment I met him, knowing that someone was concerned about me even though he was male. He always seemed eager to help me and be around me and I… I was happy to be around him, happier to be around him than anyone else. He always sparked this warmth inside of me, even if I didn't know what he was talking about. But if it is love… he told me he loved me and I could not respond. I ran away, not knowing what to do or say."
Yukina's voice was barley a whisper now and Hiei was hurting for her. He was the wrong person to be asking this. What could he possibly say? His marriage had begun in a less than desirable manner. What did he know about love?
"Hiei-kun," she began and Hiei grew nervous, anticipating a question that he couldn't answer. "What do you feel when you are around Mîra-chan?"
Hiei stared at her for a moment before he responded, "Happy."
Yukina pulled away from him and stared out at the lake. "Do you feel happier with her than anyone else? Have you found love? The word is foreign to me. Humans seem to use it so frequently and in so many different ways, I do not know how to interpret it."
Hiei turned away from her gaze, he felt the same way about that arbitrary word. To him, it meant nothing. Still, he wanted to answer at least part of her question. He thought of Mîra's scent, her laughter, her smile. The way she reprimanded him for using 'hn' and the way her eyes glinted haughtily in the heat of battle.
"I don't know anything about love. But Mîra… She is mine and I like it that way."
Yukina was silent for a moment. "I feel the same about Kazuma," she said softly. "Is that enough to make someone a mate?"
Hiei didn't have an answer. Mîra was his wife, but he hadn't claimed her as his mate yet in demon terms. Making her his mate was something he selfishly had control over but something he took seriously, as any demon should. How would he determine a proper mate?
"Yukina, would you have him raise your child?" He asked quietly. Hiei was thankful he didn't have to explain what he meant by her child.
She closed her eyes, contemplating. "Yes. I would. If I had to choose a partner, there is no one I would trust more than Kazuma." She opened her red eyes, looking more resolute. Then her expression changed to worry.
"But, I am a demon. I think Kazuma forgets that sometimes. Even more so, I am a demon who was raised with no knowledge of males… how am I to know how to understand the ways of men?"
Hiei smiled ruefully. "I don't think males and females are supposed to understand each other." He was proud of that Kurama-ism. Yukina giggled and he was glad to see her spirits looking up. She looked at him, a smile on her face.
"Hiei-kun, you and Mîra-chan must be getting along well. I am happy for you, I knew that things would turn out okay."
He stared at her, surprised for a moment, but then he gave rare, genuine smile. Yukina beamed back at him and Hiei was glad.
"Hiei-kun, I think that maybe I'll never know if what I feel is 'love' but with Kazuma, I know that I will be happy, safe, and that I can't imagine spending my time with anyone else. In the end, isn't that what matters?"
Hiei suddenly remembered the way marriage had been explained to him. Maybe it would help Yukina. "Someone told me marriage brings two halves together to make a whole."
Yukina stared at him thoughtfully for a moment and then smiled widely. "Hiei-kun, can you hold the box for me?" Hiei took it from her and held it in the palm of his hand and she opened the box. She opened it and gently pulled the ring out. Yukina stared at it reflecting brightly in the sunlight before slipping it onto her left ring finger. She smiled happily at the ring on her finger and she looked up at Hiei, tears in her eyes.
"Thank you," she whispered and Hiei nodded at her. She stood up and Hiei did the same as she looked out at the forest behind them. She looked at him curiously for a moment before asking,
"Um, Hiei-kun, do you mind taking me to Kazuma's? I need to tell him."
"Of course," he replied and he picked her up gently and bounded off into the woods. When Hiei arrived at the Kuwabara household, the sun was setting. After he set her down, Yukina turned to him nervously before knocking on the door. Hiei heard someone rustling with the doorknob and Yukina took a small step back, nervous. The door opened to reveal Shizuru, looking lazily down on them.
"I thought someone was at the door. Kazu is in his room," she said, opening the door wider. Yukina looked back at Hiei and he gave her a nod.
"Thank you," she said to Shizuru as she entered the house. When she disappeared Shizuru looked down at Hiei.
"I guess we'll be in-laws. By the way is Mîra in town? A new bar opened and I thought she might want to check it out with me."
"No," Hiei said flatly. Before the elder Kuwabara could comment he darted off and found an electric pole in view of Kuwabara's room. He saw his sister and the red head talking and soon he was jumping up and down, shouting exuberantly while Yukina blushed prettily, looking jubilant. Hiei darted off to Kurama's, that was all he needed to see. Yukina would be happy for the rest of her life, well the life that was spent with the oaf anyway. But first things first, Hiei would have to send a request to the Arachne Queen, a powerful demoness who specialized in weaving and making cloth. There was no way his sister was going to look anything short of breathtaking on her wedding day.
Hiei slipped into Kurama's window quietly but he knew the fox had sensed his presence. Hiei sat down on the bed as Kurama swiveled his chair to look at him.
"Hello, Hiei. How are you?"
"Fine," Hiei replied.
"Did you talk with Yukina?"
Hiei eyed the fox. How did he know about that?
"Kuwabara has been distressed since he proposed to her a few days ago. He told me that when he told her he wanted to marry her she ran off, crying. He was thinking that she would reject him," Kurama explained.
"He's wrong," Hiei said. He leaned up against the wall ignoring Kurama's no-shoes-on-the-bed rule.
"Oh? That's good to hear. Excited to be Kuwabara's brother-in-law?" Kurama asked teasingly. Hiei glared at his friend and Kurama laughed.
There was a silence and Hiei, against his better judgment, asked, "Kurama, what is love?"
Kurama raised an eyebrow at him and a sly smile crept on his face. "Well, it was a song produced in-"
"I didn't ask the question to be bored with human trivia," Hiei snapped.
Kurama looked at him seriously and paused before answering. "I don't really know how to explain it. There is just a feeling inside of you and you can't imagine that person no longer being with you. And… it's the little things. How particular Boton is about the curlers in her hair or her ridiculous facial expressions. Love can't really be pinpointed down to one thing, it's a combination of things."
Kurama looked at Hiei steadily after he finished and Hiei said, "Yukina wanted to know." He was sure the fox would make a sly remark about how it was really Hiei that wanted to know but to his surprise Kurama nodded thoughtfully.
"I can see that… what about you, Hiei?"
He knew the fox too damn well. "I don't care to know. I don't need a word to define my emotions," Hiei said irritably. Kurama smiled his all knowing smile at Hiei. He hated that smile, in fact there was a lot of looks that Hiei didn't like Kurama looking at him with. They tended to make Hiei feel he didn't know anything about himself.
"I need to get home," Hiei said suddenly, getting off the bed and heading towards the window. He ignored the amused look on Kurama's face as he said,
"Tell Mîra I said hello."
Hiei didn't respond as he leapt out of the window. Well, visiting Kurama had been a bad idea. Or had it? Did Hiei know what he was looking for? Did he want to look for the signs of 'love?' Hell no. Hiei just wanted to live out his life, now with Mîra, and let things happen as they may. He was never one for planning far in advance anyway.
When Hiei finally reached the fortress, it was well into the night. He probably should have stayed the night in the human world but he wanted to get home. At first, he thought he just wanted to get away from Kurama's questions that always seemed to stick in his mind but as he neared his home he neared her. There wasn't a particular reason he wanted to see her or that he wanted to talk to her, something inside him just wanted to see her.
He slipped into their bedroom quietly and recognized her sleeping form on their bed. He walked over to her and studied his wife. Her face seemed disgruntled as she muttered incoherently and he wondered what she was dreaming about. He noticed a strand of hair in her face and without thinking gently reached his hand out and tucked the strand behind her long ear. She seemed to stir at his touch and in her sleep she pouted as his hand drew away.
Hiei's thoughts drifted to his earlier conversation with Yukina. Without realizing it, he had framed the ideal mate as someone he would be willing to raise children with. He didn't know if everyone saw choosing a mate that way but if he wasn't willing to produce children with the woman then what was the point? Of course that required him to actually want children… Hiei frowned as he dressed down and slipped into the bed. He leaned up against the head board, looking down at his wife.
A demon-elf combination would produce interesting results and she had said that she would bear his children one way or another. In a way he supposed the decision was made for him but… Mîra could be ferocious and gentle, formidable and sweet. He supposed raising children with her might not be so bad… His complete inexperience of how a child should be raised bothered him greatly but if had to pick a woman, it would definitely be her. Hiei felt a wave of contentment as the realization hit him. This woman, one day he would make her his mate and something inside him made him feel that he would never regret it.
Suddenly Mîra gasped and shot up in bed, wide eyed and looking around wildly as though she didn't know where she was. Her gaze turned to Hiei and her visage looked relieved.
"Oh, Herven," She said breathing heavily. As he stared at her, Hiei felt compelled to tell her that he wanted her to be his mate. She probably wouldn't understand what he was talking about but that was fine. He just wanted to tell her.
"Mîra, I want you to be-"
"I was dreaming I was home and he was there and I just, it felt so real," She said sadly, shaking her head and holding a hand to her forehead.
Hiei stopped talking. Home. Not their home, here in the fortress in the Makai and human world. Her home, the one he stole her from. The sudden desire to open up to her died in an instant and Hiei felt as though something had been yanked out of him. He should have known better, opening up never caused anything good to happen.
"I'm sorry what were you saying?" Mîra asked. She then frowned at him. "What are you doing home now? I thought you would be spending the night in the human world."
"I didn't want to stay," Hiei said blankly. Hiei felt a hole in him that was familiar and suddenly he wanted to be alone. The way he felt about her hadn't changed, he wanted her to be his mate but she didn't consider his world to be her home. He was… he didn't know what he was to her. Hiei knew that she considered him to be her husband but beyond that... She had to like him right? Why else would she want to be intimate with him? Hiei's clear mind was now in turmoil.
"Oh. Well what were you saying before? Something about you wanting me to be…?"
Hiei stared at her as she rubbed her eyes, still sleepy. Even in pajamas with messy hair and droopy eyes she was still beautiful. Hiei wanted to finish his original statement but he couldn't. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he was scared she would reject him. Hiei had been rejected all his life and he had been able to push on but she was too precious to risk it.
"Happy. I want you to be happy," he said finally. Mîra looked at him curiously , as though she knew that wasn't what he was really going to say. She lay down on her side as she looked up at him and took one of his hands in hers.
"I am happy. You make me happy. You are loyal, strong, kind, and you care about me. Only me. I couldn't ask for anyone better," she said firmly. Her eyes looked strongly up at him but Hiei felt that she was speaking to reassure herself, rather than him. She reached up to bring his head towards her and he felt her kiss him but his mind was elsewhere. He wanted to mate her but he felt he knew nothing about her. Stupid, stupid, stupid. This was why Hiei did not like emotions or rather acting on them. He felt he was the one that always got hurt.
"Are you okay?" Mîra asked, looking up at him concerned.
"I'm tired," He said and rolled over on his side, facing away from her. He felt her curl up behind him, her knees tucking in perfectly behind his. He always liked that but tonight it pained him as much as it pleased him. Her nose nuzzled the back of his neck and her arm slid over his side and tucked itself tightly against his chest.
"You really do make me happy, Hiei," he heard her whisper.
Hiei wrapped his arm around hers but he didn't say anything. He believed her sincere words but a part of him couldn't feel that that he didn't make her happy enough. Hiei didn't know if he would ever make her happy enough and it hurt him thinking it but he would damn well try. He was being foolish, he realized as he felt her breathing even, not for caring about her or wanting her to be his mate but for wallowing in self-pity. Hiei had gotten over that phase of his life a long time ago. If he didn't like the way things were going, he needed to change them, do something about it. He felt pathetic for dwelling on his pain, he needed to suck it up and find some way to make her truly happy. As he drifted off to sleep, an idea crossed his mind that might work. With newfound conviction, Hiei slipped into a peaceful slumber. He promised to take care of Mîra and he was going to do just that.
So, as I was re-reading this chapter, I realized that I am getting very close to where I am writing now. It's really scary and awesome that I'm already at this point in posting the story and scary and awesome that I'm at a huge turning point in the writing. Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Thank you to everyone who reviews, alerts, and reads this story. I really appreciate it =)