Author's Note:
Charlie Brown and the Chocolate Factory.
Now, some may say this film doesn't exist, and that Charlie Brown is the one with a yellow and black pattern on his shirt, and that I was actually thinking of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Some may say I accidentally got the title wrong and am now pretending it's a joke so that I don't look silly.
I can neither confirm nor deny that claim.
I'm keeping that mista - I mean, intentional joke though. Because funny.
Also Mineman, I'm sorry the title to the last chapter upset you. No need to beat around the bush, if you want me to cut out the hanging puns, you won't be hung out to dry.
And thanks again everyone for the positive feedback!
"Come on Makoto! I thought I was the one who was bad at getting ready in the morning!"
She's not wrong. Am I experiencing like… interdimensional jetlag? Is that a thing? Also how was I awake enough to get Sayori up this morning? Right now I feel about 30% conscious.
"Getting up is for Commies. It's in their manifesto, I wanna go back to bed."
"Okay one, even I know enough about politics to know that's wrong. Two, don't say that in public, some people who actually are communist might get upset."
Oh yeah, that's right. I have a vague memory of looking at Japan's general elections on Wikipedia (I know, only really cool people look up elections in other countries on Wikipedia. I'm a heccin rebel.) and seeing that the Communist Party still had like 8% of the vote.
"Fine, I'll stop."
I scrunch up a piece of toast and shove it in my mouth, much to Sayori's amusement, and rush to the door.
"Yay, you're finally ready Makoto! Let's go!"
"Okie doki!"
"Why did you say Okie Doki?"
… Oh come on, now I feel so tempted to burst into the song, but I somehow doubt singing DDLC fan songs here is a good idea.
"Uh… just as a Stupendium - I mean, a stupendous way to say yes."
"Stupendium, Fireboy and Watergirl, changing religion, the Communist jokes, being nicer to me… You've been really weird lately. Not in a bad way, but just… are you alright MC?"
"YEP I'M NOT SUSPICIOUS LOOK A DISTRACTION."
Sayori suddenly turned around and looked around wildly.
"Where is it Makoto? Where's the distraction?"
Oh my God Monika has made her this stupid and even with that she's still suspicious of me. I am so, so getting caught soon.
"Oh, never mind, it's gone. And we're at school so bye!"
"Wait come back here Makoto I'm not done with… wait he's looking away, he can't see me, I can't see him, my mistake. I guess I'll have to catch up with him at the club."
Sorry what? Okay I seriously need to get her back to her more average intelligence, this is just sad.
After some History and English, I decide to look around for my fellow literature club members. Knowing Yuri, she's either in the library, or in the bathroom … learning medieval doctoring practices. Which is to say bloodletting. Which is to say cutting herself - You know I think it worked better as a polite analogy before I clarified what it meant, let's pretend that didn't happen.
To my delight, I find her in the library, with no sharp objects in hand. The library looks like it came straight out of an anime version of Hogwarts. You know, minus the flying books. Note to self we need flying books.
"Ma-Makoto? What are you doing here?"
"You mean to say what am I, a school student, doing at the school library, a place where school students read? It truly is a mystery, one that befuddles time itself."
"Okay that's fair."
She looks away, embarrassed. Oh right, my normal teasing may be a tad inconsiderate for someone as shy as Miss Knaifu Waifu over here. Calling her that is in turn yet more inconsiderate to Miss Human Dissection Opportunity. Okay I'm just going to stop now before this can get any worse how did I get into Heaven I'm a terrible person and -
"U-Uh Makoto? You kinda started hyperventilating and whispering something about fives."
"Yes. Fives. Nothing else. Definitely nothing that rhymes with that."
"I now definitely think it was something that rhymes with that but okay I'll move on. I'm reading a good book at the moment, so I-I, well, urk..."
"Is that an invitation for me to read it with you?"
"Y-yes, that."
I was never as fond of Yuri as the other Doki's in real life. I mean, it was nice that she was actually interested in literature, which was surprisingly rare for the group, but otherwise she just kind of creeped me out. Licking icing off Natsuki's finger was a bit much, let alone licking blood off of mine. I don't like to think of blood as finger lickin' good.
However, now that I was actually in their world, I found Yuri's personality far more endearing. The shy, rather intense bookworm thing works a lot better in the flesh. She'd also argue that a knife works a lot better in the flesh. God, why can't I stop making those jokes? I'm beginning to feel bad about how many jokes I make about her self harm.
She gestured towards a spot next to her. I sit down at that location with all the grace of a drunk hippopotamus, and I can sense for just a second Yuri's irritation.
"Eh, sorry about that. Deft movement doesn't run in the family."
"I see. So would you like a brief summary of the book?"
"Sure!"
"Well, it's about this girl in high school who moves in with her long lost sister. But as soon as she does, her life gets really strange. She gets targeted by these people who escaped from a human experiment prison, and while her life is in danger, she must desperately choose who to trust. But no matter what she does, her life and relationships crumble around her."
Ah yes. If I recall correctly, in Act 2, she describes it in an… interesting fashion. I do hope there is not too much in the way of affixing limbs to some unspecified object. That has rarely added to my reading experience in past.
"Well what sort of good novel doesn't contain some handy dandy human experimentation?"
"W-What? You seem… less unnerved than I expected. Aside from Monika, anyone I've ever described a book like that to has been quite alarmed."
"Oh, I'm sorry, would you like me to pretend to be trembling in my boots? Why the shock is just too much. I fear my heart is palpitating!"
"Oh phooey. Knock it off."
"Oh dear, the only thing that'll I'll be knocking is my knees together. You've given me goosebumps."
"Please Makoto, have mercy."
I collapse to the floor.
"Oh come on. Now you're just making a fool of yourself. Get up."
"Makoto?"
The bell rings.
"Way to ruin this for me…" She murmured under her breath.
"See you at the club. I guess we'll read there."
Four hours later, Monika comes over.
"You know what you shouldn't do the day after going to the nurse for a seizure? Set yourself up into a position where a heart issue would seem like a comedic gag. If this were real life, you'd be dead right now. So, you're welcome."
I can hear some keys tapping, and I regain full control of my body.
"Now come on, we've both got to go to English. This is the only day of the week we have it in the same class! Usually I'm in AP and you're in, well, let's just say definitely not AP. But today we can actually hang out, since the AP teacher can't make it on Tuesday's!"
"D-Did I miss four periods?"
"That's seriously your concern right now? You just got revived. You were clinically dead for at least three hours!"
"Ah, but I was just mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive."
Monika stared at me.
"Huh. A Princess Bride reference. Maybe you aren't the MC after all, he'd never watch something like that. No joke, in one run through he told me he has an MFJT. What's an MFJT you ask? A 'Minimum Fart Joke Tally'. It's a surprisingly deep field of study. There are 17 variables which decide the value. He learned what a coefficient was from that! I believe it involved some elements of string theory!"
"Wow. I mean, gotta admire the passion behind developing that system, but wow."
"I know right? By the way, we're here."
We walk into the class, and she drags me to a seat next to hers.
"Oh, by the way, we AP students are supposed to teach the dumb - I mean, other students."
"Excellent save Monika, incredible job there. I was almost insulted, but then the true 100% genuine meaning of what you were saying was made clear."
Monika giggled.
"Ehehe, sorry. Wait for me to take a gander at the sheet, then I can show you how to do this."
Wait a minute. Wait just one minute. This is a writing and reading test. I speak English as a first language. Oh boy I can have some fun with this.
"Okay, I think I get it- Wait what? How are you already up to there?"
"The Konami code."
I see Monika quietly whisper the Konami code to herself.
"That didn't help. How are you vastly faster at this than I am?"
"The logical conclusion here is just that you've lost your touch. Don't worry Monika, academics isn't for everyone you know."
I see a pang of self doubt in Monika's eyes. These girls are really good at guilt tripping me. I manage to not confess until I see a tear in the corner of Monika's eye.
"Hey Monika, may have forgotten to mention, in the real world which I come from, I'm a native English speaker."
Monika glances up at me, confused for a moment, then livid, then amused.
"Why you little asshole. Bravo, bravo."
The teacher then walked over.
"Get back to work you two. And mind your language, Monika, I expect better of you."
Monika looked a little shocked, but quickly came to her senses.
"S-Sorry sir. I'll get back to it."
As he walked away, Monika grabbed my sleeve.
"Closet. Now."
"Wait what? This is quite sudden Monika, take a guy to dinner first-"
She ignored me, and pulled me into the closet.
"Uh Monika? Seriously, what are you doing?"
"That teacher shouldn't exist."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Well, aside from assets that the player sees, and a few bits of scenery that the game can procedurally generate for the convenience of us AI, nothing here is supposed to actually exist. There's no teacher in the game. At best, there's a murky shadow at the front of the class."
I consider making a joke about Charlie Brown's teacher, but for some reason I feel like I've made a fool of myself regarding Charlie Brown recently, and so I stay silent.
"Wait a minute, if the teacher is real now then…"
It was a little dark, but I could just about see her face go bright red.
"Oh God the other students are probably real too. And they just saw me pull a male student into a closet."
She suddenly shoved me out of the closet. The students are indeed staring. I walk back to my desk, and a few moments later, Monika walked over to hers.
"Why did you think leaving a few seconds apart would improve the situation? Also I think you left your pen in there."
"I panicked okay? Also I'm not going back in there. Yuri could always use some more pens, she can have it."
"Y-You do know what she does with those right? Are you entirely comfortable with Yuri's penmanship?"
"She writes with them… And her handwriting is excellent, what are you talking about?"
"You don't know then, huh. Well I sure as hell don't intend to inform you of that."
"Makoto you're kinda scaring me here pal. I'm picturing some Norman Bates stuff going on here. What on Earth is Yuri doing with the pens she collects?"
As the bell rings, I walk off without answering.
"Come on Makoto, now I need to know!"
"See you at the club Monika!"
I wave goodbye to her, as I walk out into the hallway. Turns out this was a mistake, as I immediately bump into another student. Their books fall to the ground.
"Oh dear, I'm sorry!" I exclaim, and I rush to grab them all. Once I've collected them, I finally notice that the student I'd bumped into was Natsuki.
"Oh great. Should've figured Sayori's childhood friend would be a klutz too."
"Nice to see you too Natsuki. What subject have you got?"
"Hell on Earth."
"That applies to a lot of subjects. Which specific layer of Hell are we looking at?"
"Calculus."
Huh. I'm also headed to calculus. Maybe my schedule is designed to line up with the Doki's? If so, thanks angry receptionist angel.
"Same here. Hey uh do you happen to know what unit we're covering in Calculus?"
"AHAHAHAHAHA! Ah, thanks, I needed a laugh- Oh you're serious. Uh. Damn. How do you not know this? Whatever, it's integration."
Okay, on the one hand, I have already done integration, and I was good at maths in high school. On the other hand, I haven't done Calculus in almost half a decade. So that'll be… an experience.
We start walking to Calculus. Or rather Natsuki starts walking and I assume she's got the right directions and trail after her.
"Hey, it's the lovely Midgetsuki!" a male student called out.
Natsuki walked on with a scowl.
"A pity your grades aren't as close to A's as your cup size sweetie!" a female student chimed in.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Natsuki is bullied, but it still hurts to see.
"What are you standing still for Makoto… we've got a class to get to..." she grumbled.
I started walking towards the bullies.
"Wait what? No, don't get involved!"
I tap the male one on the shoulder.
"Greetings, fellow student! First off, Midgetsuki is the shittiest insult name I've ever heard. I mean come on, if you're going to invest in being asinine, at least do us the favour of being good at it. There's barely even a connection there, you could've at least gone with something like Twatsuki that actually works. Secondly, try not disgracing your family name, and go about your daily business without picking on a girl half your size. It's a winning strategy, has worked really well for me."
He blinked at me rapidly. "W-What?"
I then turn around to face the female student who had insulted Natsuki, who looked similarly shocked.
"Oh and as for you, whoever you are, at least I must commend the joke there, that one was at least amusing. A pity your wit is at its greatest when commenting on those you think least of. Evidently, you distinctly lack said intellect in any academic pursuits, since your badge is for the dumbest core class around. Maybe try learning the alphabet before trying to suggest which letter other people should be aiming for."
I then walk off, as they try to stammer a retort of some form. Evidently they were completely unprepared for anyone to try and interfere with their usual mockery of Natsuki.
After Natsuki and I have walked far enough, Natsuki starts hopping up and down and cheering.
"Oh my gosh that was awesome! Fighting fire with fire, I like it! You should've seen Nariko's face! I mean I suppose you did, but damn you hit her right in the deep insecurities! That was great!"
Suddenly she stops and frowns.
"That was cool but why did you get involved? They'll probably come after you now, with a vengeance!"
"Oh I'd like to see them try. At least that Nariko one had a sharp tongue, but if… what's the male one's name?"
"Itsuo."
"Right, if he tries to come at me, he'll find it's unwise to enter a battle of wits unarmed."
"Heh. Oh yeah, we should get to calculus."
I may have won a lot of brownie points with Natsuki for that. Actually considering how good she is at baking can I exchange those brownie points for actual brownies? Whatever the case, there's a seating plan so we aren't together, but I can tell she's pleased thanks to the enormous grin plastered to her face.
Come to think of it, thanks to my being dead for a couple hours, this should be the last period of the day!
And then it is time to club someone over the head.
Wait. No, then it is time to go to the Literature Club. Easy mistake.