"H-Hey Monika! I… I wasn't expecting guests, I apologise for the mess. I won't bother asking how you got in -"

"RPG."

I peer around the corner and notice that the back door is a charred mess.

"With all your abilities to manipulate the universe, was that entirely necessary?"

"No, but it was very cathartic. You should try it sometime. Actually, now that I think about it, that could make the whole "I gently open the door" scene way funnier."

"I don't really think the comedic value was what Salvato had in mind for the MC's childhood friend deciding to become a ceiling fan."

"Well, whatever he was aiming for, I sure am a fan of the outcome!"

"... Monika, as a big fan of puns, even I expect better than that, okay?"

"Punderstood."

"... Okay then. Uh, Monika, I appreciate the visit, and I'm even more appreciative of the bacon - wait, aren't you vegetarian? Oh whatever, that's beside the point. Can I ask what is the cause for your being here? Follow up question, why did you decide to do so while practising for a career as a stripper?"

"I-It's hot. Plus I'm frying bacon, so the stove is also heating me up. Get your mind out of the gutter Makoto, this isn't for your benefit."

"I have air conditioning, I can turn that on if you'd like. Just please put on some more clothing, it's a little uncomfortable."

"... I've misread the situation haven't I."

"Oh yeah. Very much so. I've only been in the same dimension as you for about 34 hours. I'd really like to get to know you a lot more before that sort of thing is even on the table."

"And that's not the only thing that'll be on the table, if you catch my drift."

"Stop please Monika no."

"I'm sorry, I try to diffuse awkward situations with comedy. Often crass comedy."

"I noticed. So uh Monika… You alright?"

"Sure, why?"

"Well, I believe I can see the 6th layer of Hell in your eyes right now."

"Oh, you worry too much Makoto! I can control my emotions."

"Also I just checked a phone alert from the New York Times that said the entirety of Switzerland randomly vanished from existence."

"... That wasn't me."

"Monika please that's genocide."

"What have the Swiss done for us lately?"

"8 million people Monika."

"Fine, party pooper. Nazi gold country gets to stay. You owe me for this one."

"Woah Monika, that's not okay, don't call Switzerland that. That's probably rather offensive to the Swiss."

"It's true though, they have separate balance sheets in many banks with and without Nazi gold factored in. And anyway, I've seen the story stats, no one from Switzerland appears to have read this, it's fine, no one reading will be offended."

"Monika please, this isn't a fanfic, it's real life."

"But Makoto… Is this real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landsli-"

"Look, I appreciate the reference, but seriously Monika, come back when you're fully clothed, this is really uncomfortable."

"Fine. Turn around."

I turn around and two seconds later she says I can turn around again.

"Wait, how did you change so quickly?"

"My physical depiction is a sprite. I changed which sprite is being used."

"... In that case, why did you make me turn around?"

"Privacy."

"But you weren't-"

"Privacy."

"I still don't follow but fine."

"Hey, seeing as we're both now in proper garb, want to go out? As in outside, not… you get it, you get it."

"Sure. Can I take the bacon with me?"

"What sort of despicable monster do you think I am Makoto? Of course you can take it with you!"

And so, grabbing a bag full of bacon, we head out.

"Hey Monika, where exactly are we going?"

"To the shopping district. The MacDonalds here has free refills, I figured we'd get some drinks there."

"McDonalds, and that sounds great!"

"What? It's MacDonalds. I mean, that's what they named the Ginormous Mac after."

"... Monika, what other major chain restaurants are there in town?"

"Pizza Hovel, Dominose, Whendy's, Burger Monarch, SubDoYouKnowTha..."

"I think for copyright reasons no real brands exist in your world. Those are all parodies of real brands."

"Not even Fish and Wedges?"

"There's not even a copyright on Fish and Chips, why is that… you know what, doesn't matter. None of those things exist in the real world, they're very blatant copies."

"Bastards. This is ruddy Orwellian."

"I think you may be overestimating how significant these name changes are."

"With totalitarian contempt for the lower classes, they manipulate even our beloved franchises through their nefarious and pervasive grip."

"They literally just made minor edits to the names."

"With control of the language, comes control of the people. As they covertly operate, those banal bourgeoisie cowards, to hide the truth from proletariats, to remove even the slightest hint of dignity."

"That sounds like Communist propaganda but okay. In any case, I'm not hungry, I'll pass on going to town."

"So if we're not going to town, and we're not going to town on each other either-"

"Goddammit Monika why are you like this."

Ignoring me, she continued. "... Then should we check out what one of the other club members are up to? Spying on people is fun!"

"True that. Can we spy on Natsuki?"

As I blink, I find myself halfway across town, on a landing halfway up an apartment complex. Presumably that's a yes then.

"Operation Child Support is operational. Over."

"We're talking in person. Why are you acting like we're talking over radio?"

No response.

"Really Monika?"

The sound of silence deafens me.

"... Over."

"See, now was that so hard? Over."

Sighing heavily, I turn my attention towards Natsuki. She seems to be eating something with more colours than I thought the visible light spectrum had, while watching Scooby Doo.

"Again? She really loves that show, she's been watching it every damn day. She gets really excited at the trap part. Over."

"First off, "trap part" is now my favourite palindrome, secondly, did you really have to make a trap joke? Over."

"I think it should be clear by this stage that the answer is yes. Over."

Suddenly she presses a finger to my lips and ducks down.

After about 20 seconds, she gestures to a ladder, leading to a landing a floor up from us.

"She'll have gone to her room. We're in pursuit. Over."

"Monika, how do you think the cops will respond to some random guy peering through a teenage girls windows? Over."

"They'll toss you in jail. That's why I didn't activate invisibility this time. I thought it'd be funny and exciting to organise a prison break. Over."

"... Is there anything we can do that would not be a federal crime? Over."

"I suppose we could spawn in some nukes and destroy the Japanese government so no one is around to arrest you. Over."

"You know when I said "not a federal crime" I did not mean I'd prefer it were a war crime. Over."

The window opens. "Monika, Makoto? What the hell are you guys doing outside my window?"

Shit. I guess having a loud conversation just outside her window must have alerted Natsuki to our presence. I don't know why I didn't expect that.

"An excellent question, and I'll answer that question with a question. If I have one smoke bomb, and want to get away without anyone knowing, how many smoke bombs will I have in five seconds?"

"Sorry what-"

~POOF~

"Well that was close! Let's check up on Yuri instead, she's always in the library until 1 AM anyway, so no chance of getting in trouble!"

We teleport once more.

"Wh-What? This isn't the library..."

Indeed, we appear to be in a decidedly more clandestine location. Smoke and blacks dominate it, and a number of rather muscular and inebriated men are sat at tables.

I finally hear Yuri's voice.

"If I'm not very much mistaken, the answer is 1836."

A disgruntled, slightly creepy bartender slammed the table out of frustration.

"Lady, for the last time, we aren't holding a pub quiz."

"Th-then why did you leave signs saying you wanted to do questionable things with some female students?"

"... Try repeating that to yourself. Go on. Think about the words you just said."

"...Oh. Oh no no no. I, well, would you look at the time, I'm afraid I must be off!"

"Hehehe, I'm afraid you ain't going anywhere, miss."

"Oh God… P-Please, my family has money, I can get you-"

"Oh, an aristocrat too! That will make this all the more fun!"

"That's not how the aristocracy works. You see, in order to be an aristocrat, one must be of noble descent. I am not of noble descent."

"And a grammar freak to boot! Even better!"

"Th-There's witnesses everywhere!"

"You really underestimate how drunk these chaps are. I don't think any of them is going to be able to come to your defence."

Monika suddenly stepped out.

"Actually Yuri, 1836 is incorrect. 1869 is the correct answer."

"What the… Who are you, and what question are you lunatics answering? I never asked a question!"

"Oh, but now you'll be asking questions. You will give us a delightful pub quiz, and the winner will take 1,000,000 yen from you."

"Oh yeah? And why would I do that?"

"I was really, really hoping you would say that. Allow me to demonstrate."

[ImportFilter: 8-bit Target: Bartender . asshole . chr]

"... What the Hell did you do to me?"

"I've got a lot more I can throw at you. I can change your species, gender, age, oh and I can have you ripped apart by dogs and then reformed over and over until the end of time. That too."

"... Fine, you can have your stupid pub quiz."

Monika reversed the retro filter, and joined Yuri.

"Sorry about that Yuri! Time for some quizzes!"

"Monika, I'm glad you came and got me out of that situation, but uh… What are you and Makoto doing here? And how did you do that to that man? I think you just violated multiple laws of physics and certainly many biological necessities."

"Well, you see, I have GPS trackers on all the club members just in case! It seemed weird to me that you were in this haven of horror, so I decided to check on you. And uh, that retro thing was… a science fair project."

"... You made a science project that, without any large apparatus, can in under a second convert any human individual into an amalgamation of squares yet somehow keep them alive?"

"Yes."

"This same project can apparently change their species, gender, or leave them eternally being ripped apart and reassembled by dogs?"

"... Yes."

"Monika there is not a chance in Hell that is the truth."

"Hey! I get pure A's in Science!"

"You get pure A's in every subject. You once threatened to bomb the White House when you only got a B+ in US history."

"People always get angry at bad grades."

"Monika, you actually got caught with a bomb at the White House the day afterwards."

"The UK got Guy Fawkes, the US gets me."

"I still don't know how you aren't in jail for that."

"I chickened out and told security instead of going through with it. They were glad to know about this security issue."

"Wh-What? That's really not how national security works… but you know what, this is irrelevant. The point is, you get top grades in a lot of things, but that does not mean you can just casually break the laws of physics."

"I got a natural d20 just stop questioning me."

"You know what fine I give up."

"Well, good luck with the pub quiz! Makoto and I will be off now!"

As we leave the bar, she glances at a watch.

"It's getting pretty late Makoto. I know you mocked the spoofs on restaurants that exist here, but which would you prefer, China-esque food or Tartarus' Pizza?"

"I save Arcadia Bay."

"That was neither of the options, and I'm pretty sure that's a reference to an event in which you kill a dearly beloved companion. If so please do not kill anyone in my literature club."

"Details, Monika, minor details. Also God I love these spoof names. Tartarus' Pizza sounds good."

After a quick five minute walk, we arrive… and notice Sayori is there.

"Wha? What are you two doing here? And uh, Natsuki sent me a message saying you were outside her window… any idea what that's about?"

"Nice to see you too Sayori. And with regards to that, I've been worried that she's been having illusions for a while. This is old noose to me, and there's no use getting hung up about it."

"Can you knot please Monika?"

"I don't get it!" Sayori exclaimed cheerfully. Well, that's… good?

"Hey Sayori, I think your pizza is ready."

"Oh, so they are!"

"They? Plural?" Monika mutters as she walks to the counter.

Sayori then returns with a stack of seven pizzas.

"Sayori, you either have the metabolism of a Greek god, you're throwing an enormous party, or you accidentally ordered too many pizzas."

"E-Eh? H-How rude! I never make fun of you for how many pizzas you guys get! I mean in fairness that is a very specific insult for me to make, and isn't applicable, but… you get the point. Although I suppose I could probably share some with you guys..."

Sayori places the pizza down, and asks us to be quiet.

Sayori's POV:

Now, with my friends being quiet, I can concentrate.

I envision myself in the midst of an infinite expanse, the Universe at my fingertips. It is here that I can truly think rationally, and come to a logical conclusion.

The issue at hand is the duality between wanting to eat seven pizzas and wallow in my own filth, or offering two pizzas to them and having a nice time but being less full. Now then, based upon my knowledge of Euclidean geometry, and the heliocentric model of the solar system, I can decide whether or not to share this pizza.

After much ponderance, I have determined they can partake of my delicious pizza. And so, I leave my void of concentration.

"Hey guys, I've decided you can have some if you'd like! W-wait... where am I?"

Makoto seems to be gone, but Monika's still there. "Sayori, it took you 37 minutes to decide whether or not to share pizza. You were just murmuring words you thought sounded impressive in a catatonic state. We took you home."

"... Oh."

I've been feeling really stupid the last week or so, but this really makes that clear… What's wrong with me? That definitely shouldn't have taken 37 minutes… maybe I should see a psychologist, or ask Monika for help…

"We kept the pizzas warm for you. Now that you've rejoined us in the land of the living, how about we have some?"

"Oh, uh, sure! But Monika… I kind of need your help. I feel like I've been engaging in a lot of isosceles lately."

"... What?"

"You know, I've been kind of an idiot lately."

"Were you going for idiocy instead of isosceles there?"

"Yes, and the fact that I said something else instead is a demonstration of my problem. Look, Monika, I'm not gonna lie… I'm really scared that something is wrong. I've never been a genius, but now life has gone all "Flowers for Algeria" on me."

"Algernon."

"SEE! This is exactly the problem! I can't even communicate my problem without making a fool of myself!"

Monika looks down… an almost guilty expression on her face. Why would she feel guilty about this?

"... I'll see if I can help you later. It's really the least I can do after everything you've done for me. But right now, we should join Makoto for pizza."

Makoto's POV

Man, if you'd told me a week ago I would be sharing pizza with Sayori and Monika, I'd have hallucinated you were a doughnut.

I was starving to death after all.

But after that, I'd tell you you were mad. And then I'd try to eat your sprinkles. Come to think of it, stuff like that happening to me in the week or so leading up to my death should really have been a warning sign. I'm going on a lot of tangents here, the point is, I could never have imagined such a surreal thing would be happening to me.

"Hey Makoto, Sayori's no longer comatose!"

"Excellent! Let us dine then!"

I turn on the light to the dining room. On the table is a fancy tablecloth, and an absurdly high number of candelabras. I've set up speakers to play violin music.

"What on Earth… Makoto? We're eating pizza. I can't begin to express how overkill this is."

"You left me to sit here for thirty minutes. I got bored, and the idea of setting this up amused me slightly."

"... Fair enough I suppose. At least Sayori seems to like it."

"This is so fancy Makoto! Give me a moment, I'm going to grab some champagne and a nice dress for me and a tuxedo for you and I can light the candles and we can look into each others' eyes dreamily and later we can kiss under the moonlight and why am I still saying this aloud and-"

"Sayori, calm down, it's just pizza."

It was too late. Sayori had already begun to run around, grabbing items. Meanwhile, Monika was seething quietly at some of the later elements of Sayori's list.

"Look, Makoto, I get that we're not in any form of relationship, but for the love of God can you stop Sayori? The last time I was this angry, the global population fell by 6%."

"Wait you're madder now than when you deleted Sweden?"

"Well yeah. Isn't genocide the normal response to mild irritation?"

"... How do you not know the answer to that question is OBVIOUSLY NO."

"... On a completely unrelated note, please don't check the news for a few hours."

"GOD MONIKA THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE!"

"And you ignored my polite request to not check the news for a few hours. Now we're both in the wrong."

"Monika, I don't think you understand relative degree of harm."

"Oh please. If you like the Southern Hemisphere so much, why don't you just marry it?"

"Well, for one thing, it no longer exists."

"Ouch… okay, that one stings. You got me there."

"Secondly, I lived in the Southern Hemisphere until this weird DDLC stuff started on Monday."

"Oh? You did?"

"Yeah, New Zealand."

"They have living creatures other than sheep there now?"

"Goddammit Monika, please stop."

"I'm looking online right now, and apparently their parliament is called the Beehive. Is it actually a literal beehive, with a queen bee commanding your government? I'm not sure how technologically primitive you chaps are."

"Fuck you."

"I take it that's a no then. Follow up question-"

"No, the Cake Tin is not an actual cake tin. It's the name for a stadium."

"Aww, I was picturing a gigantic cake."

"You know, honestly, I would prefer that to a field where people throw a ball around for an hour and a half."

"Would be a bit of a public health and safety concern though."

"Don't ruin my dreams, Monika."

"Fine… And you can have your stupid Southern Hemisphere back."

"You tried to commit genocide twice in one day. Please promise me you won't do that in future."

"Scouts honour!"

"Were you ever in Scouts?"

"... Scouts honour!"

Sighing, I finally go to stop Sayori tearing the house apart looking for fancy garb.

We eat pizza, marvelling at Sayori's seemingly endless appetite, and call it a night.

I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep. I almost manage it, but then I hear Natsuki's voice from across town, as she screamed something about "harnessing the power of the fucking sun to make cookies".

I was so sure Monika would become vindictive and hateful when I rejected her… but it seems all is right. I've got a lot on my mind, but eventually, the sandman comes for me.*

*The sandman is actually just a random creep who knocked Makoto unconscious using a crowbar, and who then chucked sand at him. While not actually a euphemism for going to sleep, it does have the same end effect I suppose. Except with more bruising.

Authors Note:

Well, I'm really happy to end this chapter on a positive note!

For once, no cliffhangers!

To leave you on a cliffhanger now would be really inconsiderate, seeing as exams will leave me really really busy until November 23rd! So thank goodness we ended it there, with nothi-

Sayori's POV

"Hey Monika… You were saying you could help me with my invitational dishwashability?"

"Intellectual disability. And look, Sayori, as your friend, do you mind if I'm frank with you?"

"Alright, Frank."

"N-No, don't call me Frank, let me rephrase that. Do you mind if I speak bluntly?"

"Oh… sure!"

"I know you value your friendship with Makoto very highly, yes? You'd like to have a caring relationship of mutual respect, surely!"

"Y-Yeah, that sounds right!"

"Now Sayori, you asked me to administer a test on you, and right now your brain is at the expected developmental level of an eight-year-old. I don't know what could have caused you to so suddenly go from average intellect to this, but honestly, it's hard to respect someone when they constantly make a fool of themselves. You're used to being smarter than you now are, and so you stumble over things too clever for you now."

"I… I don't understand..."

"Look, all I'm saying is, maybe staying away from Makoto until you're back to normal is a good idea. I'd hate to see him lose respect for you."

"Monika, I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is."

"... That's almost actually relevant. So then what is love?"

"Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"

"Okay good for a second I thought you were seeing through my facade. Now then, Sayori, in all seriousness, maybe limit your contact with Makoto until whatever afflicts you is gone."

"But… But Monika, you know how much I care about him… and what if this doesn't go away?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, Sayori. For now, keep him from seeing you while you're vulnerable."

"M-Monika, you know how I mentioned those rainclouds that one time?"

"How could I forget?"

"They were pretty strong before this… but at least then, I knew logically that I wasn't that bad. That even if I felt like a burden, I could still provide for people. But now? Now I actually am a burden on society. If I'm stuck like this, there's no way I can get a decent job, so I'll just be a burden for Japan, a money hole they can never fill. And Makoto won't give me a second glance. He wants to be able to hold intelligent conversations with his future wife… And the idea that I can't provide him that is crushing. My hopes for a family and a career are crumbling. Monika, he's my greatest support net. I don't know if I can take separation from him. I'm in a really dark place right now, and you're asking me to toss away my lantern."

Monika blinked, seemingly shocked. D-Did that actually sound smart to her too? Did I actually say something deep and thoughtful?

However, she quickly loses this expression.

"Sayori, sweetie, would I tell you to do something against your best interests? I'm not telling you to throw away your lantern, I'm telling you to save the power of that lantern, instead of using it all now and finding yourself completely without light soon enough."

"... Monika, you've been my closest friend and confederate-"

"Confidante."

"... Yes, you've been my closest friend and confidante for years. If you really think this is in my best interests… I'll think about it. I trust you Monika."

Monika pulls me into a hug, and I head home. Behind me, Monika has a tormented look on her face, and a tear trickling out her eye… But since I don't have eyes in the back of my head, this goes unnoticed.

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