There are some nights I hold on to every note I ever wrote
Some nights, I say "fuck it all" and stare at the calendar
Waiting for catastrophes, imagine when they scare me
Into changing whatever it is I am changing into...
He felt small as he stood, staring into the empty abyss. There was nothing, only pitch black darkness. He tried blink once, then twice but his vision was no better. He tried to see with his Jagan but it was to no avail. He closed his eyes and tried to listen around him but all he could hear was a faint whisper reaching out to him that faded in and out. He could not grasp onto the whisper and it faded until he could hear it no longer. He was in a void of nothingness and he was alone.
And you have every right to be scared.
Suddenly, all around him burst into flame. He began to sweat from the intense heat as the flames violently danced around him and the stench of blood and smoke filled his nostrils. The fire was closing in on him and fear took hold as he began to run, avoiding falling stone and wood. He could out run the flames! He was faster than the wind itself! But the flames were hot on his heels and they seemed to reach towards him like hands, waiting to pull him under. A lick of fire wrapped around his heel and he screamed as he burned and fell to the ground.
Cos there are some nights I hold you close, pushing you to hold me
Or begging you to lock me up, never let me see the world
Some nights, I live in horror of people on the radio
Tea parties and Twitter, I've never been so bitter
He pushed himself up to try and start running again but he was no longer surrounded by flames. Instead he clutched himself as he shivered violently, now standing on the edge of a cliff. The dark abyss waited below and above was only grey. The wind mixed with ice whipped around him harshly and he had to squint to see. Afraid of falling over, he took a step backwards but ran into something. He turned around and looked up to see an old woman in a black kimono glaring down at him. His eyes went wide as she snarled at him with disgust and raised her right leg. He screamed as she kicked him over the edge and down, down, down…
And you, why you wanna stay?
Oh my God! Have you listened to me lately?
Lately, I've been going crazy...
Then, he felt something warm beneath him and the cold went away. He was no longer falling and everything around him felt warm and bright. He opened his eyes to see a woman in white smiling down at him softly. Her lips moved, she was saying something to him, but he heard nothing. Then she kissed his brow and spoke inaudibly again. Her face was blurry to him but in her arms he knew everything was going to be okay. She stroked his hair gently as she cradled him in her arms and he closed his eyes again. He didn't have to run anymore. He was safe. Then, he heard the faint whispers again, inviting him in.
And you, why you wanna stay?
Oh my God! Have you listened to me lately?
Lately, I've been fucking crazy...
Hiei opened his eyes and he knew he was in his darkness. He could feel Koku's song surrounding him, calling out to him like a lighthouse beckons ships. He sat up and found was in his usual post-nightmare awakening spot on the grand piano. He looked down at Koku, dressed in a deep red kimono and her long black hair pulled into an up-do. Her glowing eyes looked up at him for a moment as she continued to play and sing but soon returned to the piano. Hiei laid back down on the piano and closed his eyes, listening to the conclusion of the song.
There are some nights I wait for someone to save us
But I never look inward, try not to look upward
And some nights I pray a sign is gonna come to me
But usually, I'm just trying to get some sleep...
Some Nights!
Chapter 34: Some Nights
Hiei's eyes blinked open and the world quickly came into focus. He did not stir right away, Koku's sweet melody keeping him in place. He wanted to finish listening to the Song coming from the beast beneath him. He wasn't sure how but as she got older, Koku knew exactly what he needed to hear. Of course, that wasn't the only thing that changed. There was a much deeper level to the connection he shared with her that he never imagined. He had theories that she was actually a part of his soul physically manifested but she knew nothing about herself or her species. There was only one person he knew that could answer his questions about the dragon in full detail but she was no longer around.
The familiar ache rose in him at the thought of her and, for now, he let it sit within him. In a moment of weakness he closed his eyes again, trying to recall her scent and the glow of her smile but it was too long since he was acquainted with either. Could she remember what he looked like without a photo? Did she ever try? Tch, probably not. There was no use in thinking about it anyway, he would never receive an answer and thinking about that made him feel worse.
He felt Koku whine underneath him and he sat up to look at his dragon. Her crimson eyes bore into him as they always did. Koku's muzzle dipped down and her tail curled around his frame, encasing him. He placed a hand on the underside of her mandible for a moment before standing. She whined in protest again.
'Master, you are too hard on yourself.'
"I will make do," he replied. He made sure his voice held a note of finality to it before standing.
Koku let out an audible snort, the tough skin around her mandible curling slightly. 'That's what you've said for the past century and a half.'
"And I'm still alive," He snapped.
Koku sighed through her nostrils and stood. 'That depends on your definition of alive, Master.' Regardless, she waddled over to him and rubbed her muzzle against his lower torso. It was an apology of sorts. Hiei scratched her under her chin for a moment and walked up to the wall of the cave. He stared at the tally marks, wondering how many were actually on the wall.
'164.'
Hiei didn't bother glaring at Koku in favor of ignoring her. Instead he drew his sword and found the mark he made the previous year. He took his time in making the mark on the wall, dragging Heiwa across the rock. He was always in a rush to leave at first but as the years drifted by, he somewhat relished the dreams. Even now, as he closed his eyes briefly, he could see their round red eyes and he could hear their peals of high pitched laughter ringing in his ears.
'Don't, Master. You really will begin to go insane.'
Hiei laughed hollowly as he finished his mark on the wall. "You speak as though I'm not already."
Koku circled around him, wrapping her body around his and angling her muzzle across his chest. 'You're not crazy, Master.'
"Only because you remind me with that nightmare after," He snapped irritably.
Koku's muzzle lowered slightly. 'Your dreams are not of my doing, Master. You know this. I just wait for you to end them and come back.'
Koku was right. She had no control over the dream that blessed and plagued him nor the nightmare that followed him for even longer. Hiei placed his hand on the end of her muzzle, just above her nose. He didn't say anything but he didn't have to. She could feel his apology.
"Come," he commanded. The dragon unwound herself and he sheathed Heiwa.
Wordlessly, Hiei darted out into the brightening sky. He enjoyed the sounds of the Makai's darkness coming to life and the cool spring breeze that whipped around him around him as he leapt from limb to limb. Koku seemed to be enjoying being one with the night as she spiraled through the trees.
He arrived to his orchard and garden sooner than he expected. He didn't care for gardening, and never would much to Kurama's chagrin, but he did enjoy the ripe fruit and the assortment of colors and textures of the natural beauty. Here amid the plant life was a quiet sort of excitement. There was so much that buzzed around him and yet he could still find the peace he sought.
He stopped as he reached up for a star fruit, making a mental note to tell Claudia they needed to be harvested. He took a sweet bite and the juice gushed over his mouth and hand. He paid no mind and after scarfing down one fruit, grabbed another. He never particularly liked or disliked fruit but she loved it. In fact, it was among her first complaints about her new "barbarian" home. What would she say to him now?
The perpetual ache thrummed throughout his core. He needed to put her aside from his thoughts, as he was always forced to do. Hiei began to breathe slowly and he felt Koku return to him. The process was never easy or perfect but he finally managed to clear his mind completely. All he felt were the signals from his senses; the sticky texture to his hands, the sweet taste of the fruit, the pleasant scent from the vegetation around him, and-
"Ji-chan? Ji-chan you're back!"
The sound of his niece disrupting him. Hiei turned to the source of the voice. It only took him a moment to find her up in the tall wild berry tree. She was grinning down at him as she sat on the large thick branch, her legs kicking back and forth underneath her stained blue dress. She must have been up in the tree for sometime eating the Makai fruit.
"Your mother is going to have your head for those stains," he reprimanded. It wasn't as though he really cared, he just didn't want to deal with Yukina's scolding later, "Why didn't you stop her? She always ends up ruining her clothes…"
Sakura grinned. "What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Besides, I'll change before she gets up to visit Baa-san's grave." She jumped down and Hiei dashed over, catching her. She scowled at him as he set her down.
"I can make the landing myself, you know," she complained. She licked her fingers before running them through her teal hair, pulling her tresses back into a ponytail.
"Get back to the fortress. Now," he growled.
Sakura crossed her arms huffily and stalked past him. "You're no fun!"
Damn right. He kept his distance behind her and once he saw her enter the stone walls, he turned towards the training area. The guards were making their morning rounds and he ignored them as they acknowledged him. He found Shana at the long range targets, chatting close with a guard and twisting her hair with her fingers.
Hiei walked up to them abruptly. "Leave," he threatened. The guard didn't bother saluting before hightailing it out of his sight. He turned to his demoness who, though now fully matured, was ever the the child.
"I told you to stay away from him," he snapped.
Shana sighed, rolling her violet eyes. He was used to the gesture but it irked him no less. "Papa, I told you, they mean no harm. We were just talking and if I remember correctly, you never said specifically Kyosuke."
"I meant all of them."
"So I'm supposed to be shut in for the rest of my life?" She countered. She stared down at him with her hands on her hips.
"I know what's best for you. Stay away from all of them."
She flipped her long black hair over her shoulder. "Right," she snorted.,"And not do my job of running this place and managing the barrack schedules."
"If the damn boy was here when he was supposed to be-"
"Ryuji can't be here all the time. He has to be with his father too, you know. He can't be your ward forever."
Hiei no longer felt like arguing about the subject. He turned and motioned for her to follow. He heard her sigh behind him before catching up to match his pace.
"Status," he demanded.
"Well, not much happened while you were gone. Nothing unusual occurred in the rounds. Yusuke-kun arrived last night with Kaneko-san and Kurama-kun arrived not long after them. He brought more medical herbs from Gondora for Yukina-hime and the latest news from the Makai and Ningenkai.
"I don't care about what happens in the human world," Hiei responded flatly.
"You should. They say the Jouten gang in New Edo is gaining a lot of momentum and threatening Yakuza turf."
"I stay out of human business," He said.
"Try saying that to Yukina-hime." Shana stopped walking and crossed her arms over her white blouse.
"Yukina knows exactly what Minoru is doing. That's her problem. What about Gondora?"
Shana sighed and continued walking. "The Tournament Committee released the details for signing up. They opted for the Manju treetops as the tournament grounds after the preliminaries. A stadium with barriers was considered again this year but the committee decided not to until the wards can be improved. Yomi and Shura have returned to Gondora from the mountains but it seems that they are stopping temporarily. Mukuro's host is finding more and more humans crossing over the border, but you knew that already. There were also readings of an odd energy source near the border of Raizen and Yomi's territory a few weeks ago." Shana continued.
Finally, something interesting. "Do you know more?" he asked. Hiei stopped in front of his bedroom door.
"Yusuke-kun investigated the report personally but he said it was nothing and dismissed it as a fluctuation because it was so short. Gondora barely caught it. "
"Anything else?"
"Yukina-hime received a visit from the Arachnae Queen-"
"I told her not to receive that bitch here," he growled. The Queen was all about business but she solicited to him one too many times for his caring. What about him said that he would be willing to become the spider's slave until she bored of him and ate him?
"I know but she insisted. Either way, she ordered new cloth for the servants clothes allotted to her in the budget and for garments out of her personal budget."
"Fine. Where is the boy?"
"I'm not sure," she replied. "I have seen Yusuke, but not Ryuji even though they traveled together."
Hiei internally sighed. "As soon as he gets back inform me." He stopped and looked upward at her. Shana matured into a fully grown demoness well and the Boy had a nasty habit of toying with females.
"Yes, Papa?" She asked.
"Stay away from him too," he said, before continuing down the hallway. He ignored another sigh and instructed, "I'm going to my quarters and I don't want to be bothered."
"Yes, Papa." She replied steadily. He felt her stop behind him and he turned to see why. The shadow demoness expression was unreadable and it looked as though she wanted to speak but did not have the courage or the proper words to do so.
Finally, she walked over to him and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I'm glad to see you home."
"Tch, you act as though I won't come back."
A somber expression came over her. "Sometimes, I'm not sure you do."
Hiei did not respond as he watched his child walk away. He frequently forgot that even though she was always intelligent and knowledgeable, she was no longer a child. Somewhere Shana grew into a lovely young demoness who questioned and fought back with a fiery spirit of her own. To say he was proud of her was an understatement but there were times when he wished she was still a child, unable to see the cracks in his seams and when everything was seen through rose-tinted glasses. Everyone had to grow up at some point but that didn't mean he wanted her to grow any sooner than she needed.
Hiei entered his room and he was disquieted to be in a place that should be of comfort. Instead, all that remained were fake whispers in the walls, ghosts in her vanity mirror, and imagining scents in the sheets. Unable to keep his emotions contained, he stalked over to the nightstand next to his bed and pulled open the drawer. The only item inside was a velvet black box he placed there long ago. Even now it was foolish of him to open it and stare at the contents but he could not help it.
No matter how many years passed, the fortress wasn't a home without her. Nothing was the same in her absence, no scent, no sound, no touch. She impacted him in such a startling way that made him loathe his attachment to her and yearn for her more and more.
Hiei sighed tiredly as his fingers ran along the velvet. He could scarcely remember her face but the emotion that was tied with her, he could never forget. …And those eyes, those magnificent and terrible eyes. Some things, however, were not meant to be. He had yet to find a way to rid himself of her memory and at the same time he had yet to truly want to.
He was a damned fool.
Hiei showered and changed into fresh clothes. He needed to meet with Honjo and make sure nothing major occurred over the week. Sometimes when he was away the guards became antsy and caused issues within the fortress. Usually the issues weren't major but he disliked having guards who could not be trusted to stay in line when he was not around. There were too many precious lives residing under the roof to allow such risks.
He paused momentarily before sliding on his cloak. He felt the cool, gentle sweep of his sister's youki before she rapt on the door.
"Enter," he grunted.
Yukina entered the room, her wooden sandals clunking heavily against the stone floor. Her navy kimono complimented her well, as always, and her teal hair was pulled up in a simple bun. Though her appearance changed little in the past decades, Hiei found that her experiences aged her. There was a solemnity to her now and her innocence from long ago blossomed into wisdom. He was grateful for it, especially when she asked to live with him in the fortress after Kuwabara passed.
Hiei offered a chair to her and she sat as she asked, "Hello, Hiei. How are you?"
"Fine," he responded. He drew up another chair and set it close to hers. He then poured some water for both of them and sat down. He took a sip but Yukina sat still, her hands neatly in her lap and her eyes averted to the ground. Hiei scowled at his sister, crossing his arms and leaning backwards. Yukina was cross with him but she was never yelled, argued, or screamed. Instead, she said her piece, listened, and made her judgment. Hiei found it frustrating but he also appreciated her frankness.
Her ruby eyes slid up to him slowly, peering at him as though he wasn't in front of her. "Are you sure? Sakura mentioned that you were rather… difficult earlier."
"Fine next time I'll leave her in the tree and let her fall or find some other foolish way to hurt herself," He snapped.
"Sakura is my daughter. She is not fragile and I will not stifle her spirit that so much resembles Kazuma."
"That isn't possible. There is nothing of him in her blood."
Yukina's eyes narrowed at him. "You are always so quick to determine what cannot be, Oniichan, that you are blind to what may be."
Her voice was cold and it took him a moment to temper his reactive nature. "This is who I am. If you don't like it then leave."
"I don't mind it," she responded, "But I won't have you take your unsorted frustrations out on my daughter for no reason. Sakura always worries about you when you leave. All she knows when you return is that her uncle, who she cherishes dearly, is alive and well."
Yukina rose out of her seat. "Yusuke and Kurama are here, and we will meet up in the library an hour before dinner." Without waiting for his response she turned and began to walk out of the room.
"Don't think I don't know about the spider's visit. We're not done," he growled.
Yukina turned to him with an icy glare. "The Arachnae Queen is a powerful friend. You forget that no matter how high you how thick your walls are, someone can always rip it out from underneath you."
"I already know that!" He spat furiously. She ignored him and closed the door behind her, and Hiei sulked in his chair. She ended up with the last word anyway damnit. Hiei finished his water and pondered over his sister's words.
She was right about the spider queen, unfortunately. Yukina would hopefully forgive him for the argument but it had been a long time since she glared at him like that. The sight was chilling but he deserved it. As for Sakura he didn't regret anything. She was far too high in the tree and was not trained to land safely. Of course, if Yukina would let him train the girl then he wouldn't have to worry, but that was a matter for another day.
Hiei stopped by the kitchens quickly and grabbed a bite to eat before making his way to find Sakura. Usually she would be in her morning lessons which took place in the tutor's quarters. He made his way down and slipped in unnoticed by the girl. She was currently learning sums. Hiei never bothered with it until Kurama forced him to learn the basics one afternoon. Of course, it was more of Kurama hitting his ego in the wrong place but he didn't prefer to see it that way.
Hiei wasn't paying attention now, he just wanted to watch his niece. She was interesting, to say the least. Sakura was supposed to be the natural, asexually produced Koorime child of Yukina and yet the girl was nothing like her. She was bold, rambunctious, and curious. As she failed to get the question right again, he added not too intuitive either. Despite not being the best learner, she was a dedicated perfectionist when she set herself to a task.
"Oh! I can't take it anymore!" She complained. She stretched her arms upward and pushed her chair to a tilt. Her head leaned back and she frowned. "Ji-chan? What are- oh no!"
Of course, Sakura leaned back too far and lost control of the chair which was now dipping backwards. Hiei caught the chair inches from the ground and stared down at his niece. She gave him a wide grin, upside down. "Thanks! I thought I was a goner!"
Hiei pushed the seat back up and she swiveled sideways to see him. "What are you doing here? Can I leave now?"
Hiei placed his hand on the top of her head, and tousled her hair. Sakura scowled at him as she swatted his hand away and he gave her a small, fond smile. "Study hard and do your best."
"Meanie!" She stuck her tongue out at him and swiveled around in her chair to face her tutor. Hiei crossed his arms. Pouting, she glanced back up at him, but couldn't help but smile.
"Fine, fine! But you owe me Ji-chan!" She grinned.
Hiei wasn't sure he quite understood the logic of how he owed her anything but it didn't matter. With a 'Hn,' he left feeling a bit lighter than he did before. He then made his way over to the barracks and met with Honjo for the rest of the day, discussing rotations and preparations for the soldiers they would loose during the time of the tournament.
Evening came sooner than Hiei thought and he made his way to the library where his friends waited for their monthly ritual. Sometimes Kurama didn't make it but Yusuke was always here, visiting from the barren land he learned to called home. Yusuke couldn't stand any sort of civilization anymore and preferred to be in the wasteland Raizen called a kingdom. Kurama resided in Gondora and Hiei wasn't sure why he preferred to live in the city when the country was much quieter and pleasant. He supposed it had something to do with his human upbringing but he never pressed the subject too hard. Hiei was just fine in his rebuilt fortress, surrounded by the forest he lived in all his life.
Hiei turned down the old wing leading to the library. The air was old and the stone was faded but sturdy. He used to be able to feel her magic in the seams of the walls but it ebbed away as the stone grew colder and colder. He never came here anymore, these halls were filled with too many memories.
The damn fox, however, loved the library and was grateful that she bothered to put a protection spell on it at all. Hiei heard constantly how education was critical and the old tomes provided invaluable information about their species. To get Kurama, and even Shana, off his back Hiei decided to hire curator. He never saw the old demon but he was a quiet and only asked for a home at the village nearby. It was an easy request to fulfill and Hiei never thought twice about it but Kurama and Shana seemed to enjoy his knowledge. Either way, the curator usually kept Kurama entertained and Hiei out of the only wing to withstand Mitage's fire.
He stared at the large divots in the wooden doors carved by the protection spell before pushing them open. Kurama sat on the couch in a blue and yellow tunic, his thin, long red hair draping over his shoulder. He was smiling politely as Yusuke ranted and raved about his latest fight.
Yusuke wore blue jeans and a white shirt,as usual, and his long naturally grown hair seemed less of a rats nest this time. If he bothered to cut it, it would seem as though it was just yesterday that he married Keiko. The only real way to tell that the detective aged was when he wasn't pretending to laugh or smile and his thoughts were allowed to catch up with him. Lately though, there was a spark in his eyes that was missing for a long time after Keiko died. Hiei was glad for it, Yusuke being up in spirits kept him and Kurama afloat.
"And then, wha-BAM! I finally socked it to him and knocked him out stone cold!" Yusuke's fists pumped in the air, recreating the movement exuberantly.
"You're getting old. I would have had that moron out in seconds," Hiei drawled.
Yusuke turned, grinning. "Hah! You say that now but you've never faced this guy."
"Perhaps, if the odds are in your favor, we'll see how it goes at the next tournament," Kurama added, his trademark amused smile in place.
"Hn."
"Oh good, everyone is here."
Hiei turned at the sound on Yukina's voice. She was carrying a tray with a bottle of plumb wine and four small glasses. Hiei glanced back at his friends and the mood shifted as a heaviness filled the air. No one said anything as she set the tray down on the small table near them.
The tradition was old, started by Yusuke the first year after Kuwabara's death. Despite going to visit his grave tomorrow, they always paid tribute on the actual day itself. Besides, this tribute was much more intimate than spending a day at the cemetery at Genkai's temple.
Hiei took his place around the table next to his sister and Kurama and Yusuke filled in the other spots as Yukina poured the wine. He could feel the twisting rise of emotions within him and he closed his eyes and breathed deeply, thinking of emptiness. His mind cleared and he opened his eyes to see Yukina setting the bottle down. Hiei took his glass and waited for Yusuke to speak.
The detective was staring at his glass and out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Kurama swirling his drink slowly. He glanced over at his sister whose expression was blank. What year was this since his death? Forty? Forty-five? It felt like so much longer.
"Kazuma was a good man."
Yukina's voice snapped all of their attention. She never said anything during their tribute, not once.
"He was a man full of spirit and hope. When Daisuke passed away, he told me that at least he was in good hands, and we knew Koenma would take care of him. We couldn't rely on others to change the path in front of us; we do that ourselves."
Yukina set the glass on the table and Hiei watch the liquid slosh out just a little. "He believed in moving forward and looking ahead. You know this, and you know that you don't need to do this anymore. He would not want you to torture yourselves like this, and neither do I. I miss him everyday but I know he's watching over me, Sakura, and all of us and that is enough to remind me to keep my spirits up too. I won't participate in a tradition that is holding you still anymore. We all have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. That's all we can do."
If Hiei was the type to drop his jaw, like Yusuke, that's exactly what he would be doing right now. Even Kurama looked shocked.
"Wh-what?" Yusuke sputtered. Then his eyes narrowed. "How can you say that?"
Yukina calmly walked over to him and took his hands in hers. She stared up at him nurturing and said, "It's okay, Yusuke-kun." He stared down at her in a mixture of confusion and angst, even as she slipped her hands away and walked out of the library.
Hiei set his glass down and Kurama followed, but Yusuke was stuck in position. Hiei watched the inevitable as his mixed emotions funneled into his default: anger. Hiei easily sidestepped the shards of glass and wine that came flying, and he stared quietly at his friend who was staring at his bloodied hand, large chunks of glass stuck inside.
"Great," he snapped. He looked up angrily at the two of them. "Why am I the only one that says anything? Or better yet, why am I the only one that cares?"
"We all care-" Kurama started.
"No, you don't! Kurama you've just holed yourself up and reemerge to get whatever connection you need before you cut yourself off again! And you," he turned to Hiei, "Just shut down and all you've amounted to over these past decades is becoming nothing more than a giant asshole!"
Hiei clenched his fists, struggling not to attack him outright. "And all you've amounted to, is a whining, self-deprecating, pathetic, wallowing, pitiful human drowning in unnecessary guilt!"
Yusuke's eyes flashed dangerously but Kurama was suddenly between them. "That's enough," he commanded quietly. "You're both right, and that makes Yukina's statements even more true. We need each other," Kurama said.
Hiei held Yusuke's furious glare until he stormed out of the library, muttering under his breath. Hiei watched him leave and stared angrily at Kurama. "You spout fine words for someone I haven't seen in a year."
Kurama stared back somberly with no response. Hiei turned and walked away from his friend. How much more fucked up could they possibly get?
Hiei made his way back to his bedroom and tried to sleep but all he could think about were Yukina's words, Yusuke's fury, and Kurama's sadness. He rolled over and closed his eyes. At first, there was nothing but darkness but then he turned and all he could see were sharp, lavender eyes. Hiei opened his eyes and rolled over onto his back. When would it end? When would they be satisfied again? What would it take? No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get rid of those eyes.
Would he ever?
Hi everyone! I'm really excited to finally be posting the first chapter of Section 3 in Spoils of War! I have the next three chapters drafted and the plot is moving on a bit quicker than I expected which I'm excited about. Thank you for reading and sticking around during the long break. Please leave reviews to let me know what you think!
Song: Some Nights (Intro), fun.