Chapter 42: A Little Help from My Friends
Mîrvana prepped herself for another mundane day in the fortress. Sure, the guard revisions were going smoothly with Honjo and she reconciled with Yukina easily, but Vana was quickly running out of things to do. She was trying to keep busy to prevent her mind from wandering and sucking her down a hole of self-pity and depression, and, so far at least once a day she found herself alone and sobbing like a child. It was utterly ridiculous behavior. She expected to have a good cry once, which she did after her insufferable, immature, and insensitive ex-husband left her standing in the orchard alone, but honestly, that was a week ago!
"Vana, get your act together. You're queen. No weakness," she scolded, pointing at her reflection.
'You're too hard on yourself,' Dimitri said lazily. She turned to see him scratching his ear while lying on the bed.
"You wouldn't understand," she said and turned back to her reflection. Ancestors, she looked awful. Winter always made her look sickly and despite her ointments, the scar on her face was still visible. At least she could hide the bags under her eyes with makeup. Sighing, she began to fasten her earrings and opened her jewelry box to find her favorite dragon necklace. Just because she was miserable did not mean she was allowed to look anything other than her best. She found the necklace quickly and fastened it around her neck. She gave herself a once over and decided that she was presentable.
"Come, Dimitri. We will at least meet Sakura and Yukina for breakfast," she instructed. Her dragon hopped off the bed and fell into a trot behind her. Vana held her head high and acknowledged those as she walked by with simple nods or small smiles. When they rebuilt the fortress after the Great Fire, electricity was wired throughout the entire fortress, instead of isolated locations. Electrical bulbs replaced the old torch lamps and some of the fireplaces badly destroyed were even converted to electric. How about that for human innovation, electric fireplaces! She also liked that the builders chose a lighter stone for the walls and floors, using different materials throughout the fortress when suited. Her quarters in the fortress had beautiful tile, whereas before everything was stone. She also enjoyed Yukina's decoration choices; the woman had good taste.
As she rounded the corner and started down the hall towards the dining room, she heard a familiar voice. "Now, now, Sakura. Your uncle expects you to do well in your studies," a light voice chided.
"Aw, but I don't want to!" Sakura whined.
Could it be? Was it really him? Like a child, Vana grinned and practically ran the rest of the distance into the dining room to see none other than Yoko Kurama. He was dressed as expected, in his usual white tunic, but she loved how more sage-like he became with his long thin hair and lovely emerald eyes. He smiled handsomely as he gave her a sweeping, elegant bow. Oh if she was younger, how she would have swooned!
"My Queen," he greeted.
"Oh come here you!" Vana walked towards him and threw her arms around his neck. She clutched him tightly and whispered, "I've missed you, old friend."
"And I, you," he responded gently.
For the first time since Vana debuted at the tournament, she felt relieved. Kurama was always a good friend and she enjoyed their conversations on human culture and technology, as well as his confidence. She never really got the chance to speak with him after the tournament ended; she gave him orders to not let Gondora riot while she left the city and feed her news after she left.
She withdrew from the embrace and beamed at him. "Come, we must have breakfast together." She turned to a random maid and instructed. "Please bring some fruit, cheese, and today's breakfast meal to the library." The maid bowed and scurried off to comply with her request.
Kurama looked at Sakura and smiled slyly. "Well, it seems you've won for now."
"Yes!" Sakura exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air for victory.
Yukina laughed and said, "Go on. Sakura will have to make up this time later."
Kurama nodded at her and turned to Vana, offering her his arm as an escort. Oh Kurama, ever the gentleman. When she first married Hiei, she wished it was Kurama who was king. He was certainly more civilized, intelligent, and actually knew how to communicate. Of course, at the time he was dating Boton, but she didn't know that. She probably would have gravitated towards Hiei anyway and that would have put the two friends in a terrible predicament. She was glad things turned out the way they did. Well, as glad as you can for becoming a prisoner of war and then being bartered off to secure an alliance.
Kurama walked at a leisurely place, guiding her through the twists and turns of the fortress. "The years have treated you well, Mîra," Kurama complimented.
"Well of course," she replied. Kurama smiled warmly at her and she grinned back. "Tell me, old friend, what are you up to these days?"
"You mean besides doing your bidding?" He lightly jested. "A little bit of this and a little bit of that. My current residence is in Gondora and I frequent the fortress from time to time, but I have taken up traveling across the Makai."
"For what purpose?" she asked. They were at the library and she could still feel the magic ward embedded in the doors. Saving the library, despite the drain on her energy, was well worth the cost. As they entered and sat down at a small table, he responded,
"Wisdom. Knowledge." He paused and then gave her a sly grin. "But mostly because I don't like staying in one place for very long." Ah, he was restless. That was something Vana understood completely.
They began to eat and she said, "I did that too for a time; although, it was quite dangerous. Elves are now almost fiction to the humans of my world."
He paused and his expression became somber. "I am sorry to hear that."
She waved him off. "It's in the past. It was good to get out into the world anyway. The pilgrimage was worth it." After a few bites of food to soothe her hunger, she asked, "What news do you bring from Gondora?"
"Well," Kurama started, patting his mouth with a napkin, "We received word about Murkama. Reactions were mixed but Hiei's resolution seemed agreeable to everyone." Resolution? He meant letting the lord leave without any penalties, not even a fine. If she had her way… well she didn't get her way and Yomi didn't want to kill her for it so yay. Vana: 0.005 Demons: 1
"Speaking of Hiei," Kurama continued, "I also heard your reunion did not go well."
Damn. She hoped he wasn't going to bring this up. Vana sighed. "No, it did not. I'd rather not talk about it."
"I do," Kurama calmly pressured, taking a sip of some juice. "Gondora is concerned about you. They don't know why you're here and what you want. If you're not here for Hiei, then that raises a lot of questions about your motives."
Vana expected this, but she didn't have an answer for him. "You want to know what happened between Hiei and I? Well, he called me a whore, insulted my long dead husband and son, and then ran off like he normally does when he doesn't know how to handle an emotional situation," she snapped. "Honestly, how could he still be so immature after all these years?"
Kurama stared at her quietly. Then he said something Vana didn't expect. "I imagine it's because during all those years he was beating himself up over you." Well, that was… making her feel incredibly guilty.
She took a drink slowly and considered whether this was a question to even ask Kurama. Probably since that imp was likely never going to speak to her civilly again. "What do you mean?" she asked.
Kurama grew quiet. "After you left he wasn't the same for a long time. He went through various coping mechanisms until he reverted back to his older, darker, self."
Her heart began to ache and she felt the familiar pangs of grief and longing. She thought about him a lot; Thought about visiting him, or bringing him over to visit her. But by the time she could devote any energy to that effort, she figured he moved on. Apparently, she was wrong. Oh Herven, what have you been through?
After a long, heavy silence, Kurama said, "You figured out how to get here, though." He didn't sound pleased.
Ah, well. If there was anyone she was going to explain this to, at least Kurama would understand. Yusuke barely understood it beyond 'slice dagger in the air and a new dimension opens!' "I had a prototype working while I was here," Vana explained.
"The portal to Genakai's from your potions room."
"Yes," she confirmed. She missed that little room. "But that was just a proof of concept. The prototype was in a dagger. I tried to use it to escape the Great Fire, but it was too unstable at that point. After fiddling with it in my world, and with the assistance of my brother, I was able to stabilize the device." She paused, considering if she wanted to explain the mechanics of the dagger, but with the way Kurama was looking at her, he wasn't going to leave without it, she was sure. "The dagger took a long time to charge. I put a little of my magic in it each day for years until we concluded that it was enough. Even then, we weren't positive it would work." Vana pursed her lips. "And even when it did, I used most of my energy to get the dagger primed. When Yusuke found me I was near death. It took time to recover and regain my strength back to what it is now."
"But not the entire six months," Kurama noted.
"Yes, not the entire six months," she conceded. "It was about three months and a fortnight."
"And yet you chose to remain hidden." He sounded irritated. Was he also hurt that she didn't contact anyone? It was justifiable, but… well, it was complicated. When she didn't respond, Kurama continued. "That's a considerable amount of time Mîra."
Vana frowned. Yes, it is. Everything she did or touched was questionable. Every move, every syllable to leave her mouth, all under interrogation. She expected questioning from her friend, but it was clear he didn't quite trust her. "It was a personal decision. I was becoming reacquainted with Yusuke and catching up on the world. If you must know, Yusuke constantly pressured me to reveal myself sooner. When I told him I wanted to reveal myself at the tournament, he initially objected."
Now it's was Kurama's turn to frown. "Why?"
"Oh you know why," she snapped, her patience beginning to wear. "He didn't want to possibility of me winning." Of course, it wasn't like she planned on winning either. It wasn't her fault everyone else was inferior.
"I presume he gave into your persistence," Kurama mused. She nodded and he took another bite of his food. He chewed slowly and Vana took the advantage to eat more herself; at least it would interrupt his line of questioning. And here she thought she could enjoy a nice conversation with an old friend. She should know better; he is the infamous Yoko Kurama after all.
When Kurama had his fill he leaned back and folded his hands neatly in his lap. "Why did you tell Hiei that you only needed recovery for a few weeks?" Before she could respond he continued, "I ran into him as he was traveling to Mukuro's host. He provided several… colorful details."
Well the answer was simple: weakness. Telling Kurama about the dagger was a risk, and exposing how much it drained her was weakness on her part. She just became ruler of the demon realm, and she couldn't possibly appear to be so weak or leave openings for an enemy to exploit. During the time that she was ill, as much as she longed for Hiei, she did not want him to see her that way. As a bonus, if she died, then he would be none the wiser.
'Dying is not a bonus,' Dimitri snorted.
"I had my reasons," she responded. "But," she paused. Okay fine, she'll admit it. "It was a poor lie." Kurama went silent again, thinking.
"Mîra," he started quietly. He cast his hesitant gaze on her, and she wasn't sure what he was thinking. "Did Hiei really call you a whore?"
Reopening the wound from that conversation was difficult, but she breathed deeply and tried to relax as she responded. "Well, not the word specifically," her voice was wavering, she needed to stead herself, "But 'immediately spreading my legs' is close enough." Keep it together Vana. Sniffle, okay that's fine, eyes watery okay, but for the love of the ancestors, hold it together!
Kurama looked away. "That's… unlike him."
"I didn't expect him to take the news of my second marriage well," she explained, because she had to say something or she was going to burst into tears. "But I did not expect such a volatile reaction. Even if this is one of his temper tantrums, it doesn't change that what he said was incredibly hurtful." Ignore the twisting pain in your gut Vana. Do you want to cry again? No? Suck it up girl.
"No, it does not," Kurama agreed. He eyed her for a moment before continuing, "Although, you did throw Simran out of the fortress."
Well, that quickly resolved her weepy feelings. Now she just felt the toxic churning in her gut. She gave him a hard stare, and raised her chin. "My motivations for removing the woman were for my own sanity. I was barely handling winning the tournament, seeing Hiei again, and being overwhelmed with the demon population all wanting to kill me at the same time. I did not…" She let the thought trail off, trying to find the right words, "want to make another mistake." Kurama's green eyes stared at her curiously, but he did not push. Vana continued, "Besides, I never insulted her. I didn't even mention her. I own up to my actions, regardless of Hiei's inability to accept that in over 150 years it's possible to be with someone else."
"I suppose you won't tell me what you're here for," Kurama asked.
She stared at him for a moment before answering, "Of course not, but I assure you I come in peace." His face was still for a moment, but then he gave her a sly smile and his emerald eyes twinkled mischievously.
"You, come in peace, after brandishing that dragon?" He nodded over to Dimitri, who was fast asleep on his back in a sunny spot by the window.
She grinned at him, "You mean he doesn't look harmless?" He chuckled, his eyes bright. Perhaps his questioning was merely for his sanity, and he still was her friend. But then the humor in his face died and his eyes grew solemn again.
"There's actually another reason why I'm asking you about all this, besides curiosity and having something to tell the leaders in Gondora." Vana frowned. Whatever he was about to say, he seemed worried. Kurama stared at her, his face tight. "Hiei is hiding something. I don't know exactly what, but I do know it's related to the case he's working on with Simran. I spoke with her and several others, and they know he's hiding something as well, but I could not convince him to tell me. I was hoping that perhaps you would be able to persuade him."
Well, Vana persuading Hiei of anything now was out of the question. "What about Yukina or Shana?" she asked.
"He refuses to explain any details about the case to Yukina and Shana won't talk to me, though she said she doesn't know much," Kurama said. He frowned and he stared at her worriedly. "I'm concerned about him Mîra. He's finally in a good place again, after so long, but this issue still plagues him and I…" He trailed off and his eyes looked tired and old. "There was nothing of this nature that he kept from me before. I'm worried I won't find out what secret he's keeping until too late." Until he's dead, he means. Hiei not confiding in Kurama was certainly a red flag.
Well, on the bright side, now she most certainly had something to occupy her time. "I'll look into the matter, and send a message to Mukuro immediately, asking for the details of the case. It's gang related, yes?"
"Yes. There is one possible connection but…" Kurama trailed off before shaking his head. "I discovered that to be a dead end."
"Don't worry. As soon as I know something, so will you. We'll figure it out and help him," Vana assured him. She didn't think her assurances worked too well, but he looked slightly less anxious. She decided to shift the conversation.
"Well, since you've asked me all about my love life, I get to ask about yours." He frowned at her but she half smirked and continued, "I saw Boton at the tournament."
Kurama's cheeks flushed and he cleared his throat. "Ah, well, that's a bit of a story."
Vana felt her spirits lift. She was glad to air out some of her secrets to her friend, and she was touched by his confidence. If she could take both their minds off the issues that plagued them, then it was time well spent.
Vana grinned at him. "Good thing I have time."
~*0*~
Out of every single person Vana met in her life, she swore that Yukina was the most genuine being she had ever know. When Vana first married Hiei, seeing the demoness bow politely and invite her to the temple was a kind gesture, and during Vana's first visit Yukina even talked to her about Hiei. She wasn't rude or placating her and was honestly trying to offer advice. Vana remembered her words to this day, "Hiei is a bit rough and difficult at times, but he truly is kind and compassionate at heart." Vana found those words to be true and even if his kindness and compassion weren't visible at the moment; she knew Hiei's true measure was examined by the happiness of the family surrounding him in the fortress.
Despite Yukina's repeated attempts to reach out to Vana, she refused the demoness politely. Vana didn't have anything against her personally, she just wanted to be alone. But the woman's persistence paid off and finally Vana agreed to relax with her after dinner. The evening started pleasantly enough. After Sakura went to bed, Vana joined Yukina for a glass of wine, which led to more glasses of wine, which led to Ryuji overhearing their boisterous laughter and being goaded into playing for them on his acoustic guitar.
"Ryuji! Play another one!" Yukina exclaimed, her cheeks rosy and her red eyes sparkling. Yukina was sitting in a large chair wearing jeans and a light navy blue blouse with three-quarter length sleeves that Vana would love to try in spring, when it wasn't freezing cold out. Her teal hair was loose and with her feet tucked into the side of the chair, she was nestled quite comfortably and in arms reach of the wine pitcher.
Vana herself was comfortable, lounging fully on the long couch. She wasn't in her normal attire, but rather some long, comfortable tight fitted clothing Claudia provided. Vana was grateful since she didn't have many clothes with her. The black pants weren't too warm, but with the blanket over her she was nice and toasty. Her long sleeved top was also very comfortable and allowed her to wear her gloves without notice. Clothing from this realm was something she definitely missed. With her head resting against the corner of couch, she unpinned her hair and tied it all in a loose braid. She had a nice buzz from the wine and was in a rather pleasant mood.
"Alright, alright, I'll play another one," Ryuji grinned. He began to strum on the guitar and he looked at them, "You know I have a few shows coming up in Gondora over the next few months. You should come check us out; it's much better live."
"Oh yes!" Yukina enthused. "They're wonderful! Mîra-chan you must come too!"
Vana grinned, "Of course!"
"Of course, what?" Shana asked, suddenly appearing behind the couch. Vana noticed Ryuji fumble through the next few notes, the surprise visible in his arched eyebrows.
"Shana!" Vana called, before Shana had a chance to react to Ryuji's presence. "Come drink with us!"
"Yes, please sit with us!" Yukina insisted. Ryuji intently focused on his guitar as Shana walked by and poured herself a glass. Vana made room for her at the end of the couch and Shana sat down. The demoness was likely heading for bed since her attire was casual compared to what she normally wore. She wore black pants similar to the ones Vana wore, and her long sleeved baggy black shirt revealed one of her shoulders through her wavy black hair. The shirt had an image of two red guitars crisscrossed with the words "Lonely Hearts Club Band" circling the images. The demoness blossomed into a lovely young woman over the years, and Vana loved her mischievous machinations. She was glad Hiei began treating Shana as his own child, rather than an assistant; she was sure Shana kept him grounded throughout the years.
"I, uh, got some gigs coming up in Gondora, if you're in the area," Ryuji prompted to Shana. Before Shana could respond, Yukina said,
"It will be great! We'll all get new outfits, I'll get someone to watch Sakura, and we'll all go together!"
Shana took a sip of her glass eyed Ryuji. After a moment she gave him a small smile. "Well I am the number one groupie. I'd better attend at least one show."
"You know Sano will give you crap if you don't show up anyway," he grinned at her. Shana rolled her eyes and snuggled more into the couch. Well, at least the tension in the room resolved; honestly, someone needed to lock these two in a room and let them sort out their feelings for each other, preferably in a passionate frenzy.
"Mîra-chan, what was he like?" Yukina asked. Ryuji kept strumming as he and Shana looked up at her.
"Who?" Vana asked.
"Your husband. Was he," she cast her a shy glance, "All big and muscular?"
Vana was started by the question, her emotions mixed. "Sigmundr?" She paused for a moment and staring at the Koorime. Wait a minute. Did Yukina- was she? Oh this was interesting. "Big and muscular?" Vana asked, a sly smile on her face. "Big and muscular like who?"
"Oh, well, "Yukina flushed. "You know, like him when he gives me that look."
Shana gasped and Ryuji grinned. "Oh-ho-ho! Yukina-bachan! Who are you checking out?"
"No one!" She exclaimed. "But he's all-" She paused and Vana wasn't sure what look she was impersonating. Maybe a proud one with chest out, her lips puckered, and her eyes forcibly narrowed. Either way, Shana burst into laughter and Vana couldn't help but smile broadly. "And then I'm-" She continued and her extremely fake demure look was enough to send her and Ryuji into a fit of laughter, joining Shana. Yukina laughed with them, her eyes glowing.
"Well good on you," Vana grinned raising her glass to her sister. Yukina beamed at her before taking another few sips of her glass.
"You know what?" Ryuji asked, looking at Shana. "I think we have a mission."
"Oh, we so have a mission," Shana grinned, a mischievous glint her violet eyes.
"So! Was he big and muscular?" Yukina asked. Vana hesitated, but the woman looked to interested it probably wouldn't hurt. Right?
"Well" Vana started, "He was broad chested and tall, but not necessarily muscular. But he had brilliant blue eyes that when you looked at them you couldn't help but feel happy."
"Ooh, he sounds handsome," Yukina blushed.
"I-" Vana paused and smiled. "Yes, he was. He was also the best human wizard there was at the time." Vana shifted so she was sitting up slightly and set her glass down. "At every festival we held he used to do puppet shows for the children but with magic. With arcane magic he could-" Vana paused and brought her hands up, creating and open circle in the air. She pulled fire out of the air to create a butterfly.
"Oh!" Yukina gasped.
Vana concentrated and made it fly before swirling into an orb and then a dragon, before finally letting it disappear. She didn't want anything to catch fire, after all. "He would use his magic like that to create shapes and tell stories to the children."
"Oh, that sounds wonderful!" Yukina exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's really cool," Shana said. She gave Vana a curious look before adding, "He sounded like a nice guy."
Vana ignored the small pang of guilt in her as she replied, "Yes, he was."
"Well," Yukina started, "I'm happy that you were happy."
Vana stared at her surprised and touched by her words. She figured everyone here wouldn't really want to hear about Sig; it would be kind of like cheating on Hiei, and Vana was sure that's how he interpreted her actions.
"Thanks," Vana replied softly. Yukina smiled back at her, and Vana felt a part of her soften.
"Was there anyone else?" Ryuji asked. He was lounging back in the chair he was sitting in, wearing jeans and a plain green shirt. He was still playing with his guitar, providing them background music, she supposed. His question seemed to be of genuine curiosity. For him, she didn't mind answering.
"No, not really. Maybe a fling here and there when I got really lonely, but I don't remember them. It's been a long time," she said.
"It's hard," Yukina sighed. She finished her glass and then refilled it. Vana agreed. It was hard being along for a long period of time, and she was sure that after Kuwabara's death Yukina carried on by herself.
But Ryuji seemed surprised. "What do you mean?"
Yukina sighed. "I miss Kazuma holding me."
"Yes, I miss that too," Vana agreed. Seeing Ryuji's face she rolled her eyes, "Not Kuwabara specifically."
"Oh, right."
"Really, Ryuji?" Shana shook her head, smiling a little.
"Yeah, yeah," he said, shaking his head. He turned his attention back to Vana, but his brown eyes glanced down at his guitar anxiously.
"Go on," Vana told him gently. He might as well ask whatever he was thinking.
"How- I mean, "He sighed and his hands on the guitar paused. "How do you love one person and then love another person?"
Vana suspected this wasn't entirely about her. She heard all about Ryuji's issues with Kaneko from Yusuke multiple times during her stay with them. But, it was a fair question.
"I think it's different for each being," she started. "I loved Hiei but then I left this world and returned to mine. I still loved him, but I had to marry Sig for the political benefits. Eventually I told myself I could be miserable and hold onto Hiei, who wasn't there, or I could try to enjoy my time with this other man who was crazy about me." Ryuji strummed his guitar in thought, and Vana continued, "I didn't forget about one or the other, even now. It's just, they're different and I appreciate them both for different reasons. That doesn't mean I forgot one and replaced him with another."
Ryuji didn't look up from his guitar and Yukina shifted, reaching across and placing a hand on Ryuji's arm. He looked up at her and she smiled at him. "I will always love Kazuma. He means so many things to me, that no one else can; I know this. But he told me to be happy too."
"Raizen didn't mate again though, right?" Shana asked.
"Raizen had a lot of willpower. According to Yusuke's story, the experience shifted his entire perspective on life," Vana explained. With a grin she added, "That and must not have been having good demon sex," Vana quipped.
Shana chuckled and Yukina laughed, "I agree!"
"Woah, 'kay. Too much information," Ryuji exclaimed jokingly. He glanced at Vana again before nodding to himself. He quietly strummed the guitar, deep in thought. Then he looked up and grinned widely in a manner that resembled his father. "I think I'm going to sing a song for all my favorite ladies." He gestured to Yukina and Vana, "For my lovely, wonderful aunties," he turned to Shana, his eyes shining, "and my very best friend in all the worlds."
Shana blushed, but held his gaze. Will they admit their feelings now? She supposed if they danced around each other for this long, probably not. Perhaps an intervention was in order…
Ryuji began to play and his tenor voice filled the air. Shana and Yukina seemed to know the song, joining every so often, and Vana couldn't help but smile.
Okay so Hiei was a jerk, and maybe she was too. Regardless of how he felt about Simran, she owed him better. It was hard, after all her pride was hardwired to throw up defenses in situations she was uncomfortable with, but so was he. She didn't get a chance to go down to her old potions room yet, but if what Kurama said was true then… he really did care for her. The thought warmed her. Maybe she was wrong about why he left her at Genkai's temple, and wrong about his feelings towards her now.
Maybe she just needed to trust Hiei and just tell him the truth.
Maybe she could, once his temper died and she worked up the nerve to admit her weakness. The thought went against every instinct in her after being guarded for so many years as queen, and later as a council member. Admitting faults and weaknesses was not part of Vana. She was the embodiment of strength: she took back her crown from political dissenters; forged strong alliances that held peace with the humans for just long enough to protect her people and her race; survived two arranged marriages; raised Sig's son; mastered her longsword and battle elementals; and joined Songs with a dragon.
Vana felt herself relax and she grew teary eyed as she watched Ryuji's passionate face, Shana's softened expression, and Yukina's wide, lopsided, smile. Certainly she could talk plainly to the only man to see her truly unguarded. Regardless of Hiei's reactions, she had this moment with her friends. Knowing that at least here she was welcome, surrounded by friends old and new, meant the world to Vana and for now, it was enough.
An update a week later instead of a few months?! It's a miracle! Actually I've been on a roll and I think I may actually push to the end, which will be nice. I love this story but I am ready for it to conclude, and I'm sure you all feel the same. I hope you liked this chapter from Mira's point of view; I realized that writing her in first person is a lot more entertaining than third, such as in Prayer, but I think I retained her voice in third person well enough. Also, since it's been awhile, Mirvana's nickname at home is "Vana" which is why she refers to herself that way. Thanks for everyone for reading and leaving reviews!