Beast Boy had transitioned from yelling about something getting in his mouth to plain screaming, and didn't shut up until Raven smartly slapped him across the face. "Stop it, you're giving me a worse headache than usual."

Beast Boy rubbed his cheek but stopped screaming. "Ow. Did you have to hit so hard."

Raven smiled smugly. "No."

"We were asking you if you knew this joke, BB," Cyborg said. "Where can you get a golden egg?"

"Golden egg?" Beast Boy repeated, massaging his chin thoughtfully. "From a golden chicken?"

"Please. The link is a golden chicken?" Starfire blinked. "I… do not understand."

"Neither do we," said Cyborg gruffly.

All five occupants flinched when a ringing sound filled the car, and only partially relaxed when they realised it was the phone, not the crime alert. Robin pressed the button to answer.

"Hello?"

"Robin, it's Miller." The sergeant's voice filled the car. "Sorry to call you back in right away but we have a situation."

Cyborg only just managed to not slam his face into the steering wheel.

"What situation?" Robin asked.

"Hostages. At the theatre on Victoria. You know the one?"

"Yes."

"From what we can tell it's another super attacking. Can you handle it?"

Robin turned to look at his team; they stared wearily back. "We'll be right there."

There was a click as the call ended, and a groan when Cyborg tugged on the wheel. The car swerved sharply.

"But dudes," Beast Boy moaned. "I wanted to go home and change. My suit still smells like death."

"Looks like that'll have to wait," Cyborg muttered.

They reached the theatre in mere minutes. Robin was up and surging through the reception before Cyborg had even parked the car in a reassuringly empty car park; there couldn't be too many hostages trapped inside. It was a smaller building than the opera house, and less grand. The corridors were narrow and reminded Robin of hallways in prison, or school.

As they clattered through the theatre, they became aware of music quietly playing. Fanfares and trumpets, like a circus, which grew louder with every step. Then a voice joined it.

"Ah, it sounds like the stars of our show are finally here!" it shrilled as the music swelled. "Please, make your way to the stage! The curtain's about to rise!"

Immediately, clusters of light bulbs shaped like arrows appeared on the walls. The thought that it might be a trap flickered briefly across Robin's brain, but he ignored this in lieu of getting to wherever the villain was quickly and defeating them.

The arrows led them down a few more corridors then finally to a pair of round double doors, edged with lights. They pushed through and found themselves in an auditorium with a large, promenade stage before them. The stage was empty, but Robin could tell by the line of silhouettes that people were sitting in the front two rows.

A red carpet popped out of thin air and rolled out before them, leading to the stage. The Titans cast wary looks around the auditorium, searching for signs of whoever was behind this attack, then slowly made their way down the carpet.

The people in the front row were dressed in tights and tutus, their arms tied behind their backs and their legs bound with rope. A few of them had tape over their mouths too. There was a single piece of paper on stage, folded in half like a card. Robin snatched it up and flicked it open. Words in shining black ink stared back.

Swan Lake

Starring…

ROBIN as PRINCE SIEGFRIED

STARFIRE as ODETTE

RAVEN as ODILE

BEAST BOY as THE KING

CYBORG as THE SORCERER VON ROTHBART

Conducted by THE AMAZING MUMBO

"Surprise, Titans!"

With a load click, a spotlight flicked on at the back of the stage, revealing Mumbo himself, decked out in his usual black suit and hat.

"Mumbo," Robin growled. "Of course. What's this about?"

"It's about art!" Mumbo cried, grinning widely and twirling his wand through his fingers. "The art of dance! For one night only, Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake performed by the Titans! You've all seen your parts, yes?"

Robin looked back down at the programme. His name glinted back. Prince Siegfried.

"There's no way you're getting me prancing around in a tutu," Beast Boy said, arms folded.

"Men don't wear, tutus," Raven said with a small smirk. "Just the tights."

Beast Boy turned an odd raspberry colour and seemed to shrink in on himself. "I'm definitely not wearing just tights!"

"Too late!" sang Mumbo with a flick of his wand. Suddenly, Robin and Beast Boy's spandex uniforms were replaced with white and gold ballet attire. Cyborg had a long, dark cloak, and Raven now wore a black tutu, shimmering with tiny silver crystals.

And Starfire…

"What did you do to her?!" Robin yelped, crouching beside the hysterical swan. Her feathers were gleaming white against the purple puddle of her too-big clothes. There was a patch of red-gold on her head, and her eyes were vibrant green. She opened her beak to speak but she could only honk.

"She's Odette, and Odette is a swan," said Mumbo, laughing. "Haven't you ever seen the ballet? Now for the backing cast!" With another swish of his wand, a group of girls from the auditorium flew onto the stage, still bound.

Mumbo inspected each of them then waved his wand again. Six of the girls promptly transformed into swans. "The rest of you can go back to your seats," he said. "I only need seven swans. Now, let's get this show started! Act One!"

Robin, Cyborg, Beast Boy, and most of the tied-up ballet dancers found themselves suddenly on stage, lights lowered and music filtering up from the orchestra pit below. The seven swans and Raven were sitting in the front row. Mumbo was in front of them where the conductor would normally be, but on a higher platform so the top half of his body could be seen from the stage. He was waving his hands around, leading the orchestra in the overture.

"Robin!" he called, sliding his hands out of his gloves, which continued conducting the orchestra without him, "you are prince Siegfried, and our story opens on a celebration for your twenty first birthday! And everyone is dancing!"

With a sweep of his gloves, the music blossomed into an opulent tune. However, when nobody moved, Mumbo whipped out his wand and flicked it at the stage. A strange sensation took a hold of Robin – a tingling in his limbs, as if the muscles were being pulled on by tiny strings and forcing his arms and legs to move against his will. A quick glance at Beast Boy, Cyborg, and the dancers told him that he wasn't alone in this.

His movements were awkward and inelegant, like a limp puppet. Many of the dancers had paired off and were performing simple pas de deux routines around the edges of the stage, whereas Cyborg was twirling at the back and Beast Boy was in the centre, spinning en pointe. A group of girls were idling at the back, their pastel dresses shimmering as they pirouetted.

Mumbo continued setting the scene. "There are several young maidens who would love the chance to dance with the prince, but he denies them all." He coaxed the young girls forward – they obediently danced towards Robin, skirts swishing. When they reached him, Robin stepped back then leapt away with a dramatic flourish, cheeks burning.

"Siegfried's mother – or father in this case – comes forward with his birthday present, and news that the prince must marry soon," said Mumbo. Beast Boy approached Robin, looking thoroughly embarrassed by his silly outfit, and produced a crossbow from thin air.

"Uhh, happy birthday," he said, holding out the gift. "By the way, you need to get married. Like, now."

"But Siegfried didn't want the responsibility, and so ran away with his hunting buddies into the forest."

Legs moving of their own accord, Robin danced away off stage, followed by a handful of male dancers. The stage went black and, with a warm wave of magic, a plethora of cardboard trees appeared around a shining circle of silver glass. A gentle golden light bathed the stage, revealing Starfire and the six girls, still swans, sitting awkwardly on the glass.

Once more, Robin's legs took charge and dragged him back onto stage as the music started up again. He began performing a stiff, straight-legged gavotte around the lake.

Mumbo returned to narrating. "The prince stumbles across a mysterious lake of swans, and stays there for a while, ordering his hunting entourage away when they find him."

As he said this, the group of male dancers skipped on stage, danced behind the trees, then swiftly exited. The lights turned pink, then purple.

"As dusk fell, one of the swans transformed into a beautiful, young maiden."

Silver encased Starfire, melting her feathers which fell away into a ruffled skirt and shining bodice. She stood, fully human, dressed in a glorious white tutu, her hair pulled back with a headpiece of silver filigree and feathers. Like the others, the moment she stood she was forced to dance by Mumbo's magic. However, her long, lithe limbs and beautiful dress masked any awkwardness, and she performed what was a rather beautiful routine.

This was spoilt when she span into Robin's arms and they stumbled into a pas de deux. If it weren't for the magic guiding their every moves, and the eyes of their team mates and the ballet dancers on them, Robin might have found the moment romantic, and even enjoyed it. But as such, with so many people watching, and with Mumbo's manic grin peeping over the edge of the stage, Robin didn't enjoy it, and it certainly wasn't romantic.

When they were finally allowed to end their dance, Mumbo applauded for a few seconds, wiping away a tear, then launched into further narration. "The beautiful maiden introduced herself as Odette, and revealed to the prince that she and other maidens had been kidnapped by the evil sorcerer, Von Rothbart, and transformed into swans."

He paused and looked pointedly at Starfire. She blinked at him, looked at her hand, then shot a starbolt at him. With a yelp, Mumbo ducked.

"Ah ah ah, little swan! Naughty naughty!" He waggled his finger, as if he was telling off a child, the drew out his wand again. "I'll have to take away your human privileges."

Another flash of silver, and Starfire was once more a swan. Mumbo cleared his throat and continued.

"She also told him that the lake they were on was made of their parents' tears. The only way to break the spell is for a man, pure of heart, to pledge his love to her."

The swan honked angrily and tried to fight her way to Mumbo, but silver claws grew out of the lake and held her fast. Mumbo tutted.

"Siegfried was ready to make this vow, right then and there."

"What?" Robin spluttered, flushing red. "I've only just met her!" He could hear Beast Boy and Cyborg snickering from the audience.

Mumbo went back to conducting the orchestra, starting up another high-energy melody. Robin's feet yanked him into another dance. "Unfortunately," said the mad magician, "before Siegfried could break the spell, the sorcerer Von Rothbart arrived."

Cyborg was pulled from his seat by some invisibly force and hauled unceremoniously onto the stage, where he clumped his way around in the most ungainly dance yet. His dark cloak swirled theatrically around, rising up with every leap like a pair of crow's wings. The seven swans made their way to the centre of the 'lake' to dance, although this proved difficult with large, webbed feet.

The lights faded to silvery blue, then black.

"Act Three!" Mumbo called. Another swirl of magic and the scenery changed again. Backdrops depicting a fine ballroom fluttered down with cut-outs for the windows, and warm, pink light gave the impression of a palace at dusk. Robin was, once more, in the centre. This time, he was surrounded by many female dancers, now wearing extravagant tutus of deep purple and rich red.

Beast Boy joined him on stage, and the two began an odd, frenzied jig as Mumbo spoke, clearly not trusting them to stand still in case they attacked him again. "The next day, the prince attended a presentation of princesses, organised by the king, in hopes that he would choose a bride! But Siegfried could think of no one but Odette."

Beast Boy coughed, swallowed, and put on the deepest voice he could. "Son, you have to choose a princess to marry."

Robin folded his arms – or at least he tried to – and pursed his lips. "I'm not doing this. It's stupid. Stop this ridiculous show so we can take you to jail."

"You can't just break character like that!" Mumbo cried. "Try again! Or the dancing will never stop."

The music increased in tempo, and so did Robin's dancing, until it was painful and he felt like his knees were going to crumble and his legs collapse beneath him.

"Only one way to break the spell…" Mumbo sang, smirking.

And still the music grew faster, and his feet were a golden blur, and his toes were going to fall off…

Next to him, Beast Boy was in similar pain. "Just say it, Robin!"

Growling, Robin clenched his fists as words exploded from his mouth. "I don't want to marry anyone because I'm in love with Odette!"

The music immediately reverted to a soft, slow waltz, and Robin and Beast Boy fell panting to their knees. "What's the plan, Rob?" Beast Boy whispered, tugging at his shirt to cover as much of his legs as possible. "You do have a plan, don't you?"

Robin grit his teeth. "As long as we're in this theatre, we're under his control. We might have to wait out the play and then hope we get an opening."

Beast Boy nodded and stood up, still pulling his shirt. The white and gold tights he had on left far too little to the imagination. The finely-dressed girls launched into a series of pirouettes and pliés.

"Just then, the sorcerer Von Rothbart burst into the ballroom with the beautiful Odette."

A crash of cymbals heralded Cyborg's arrival onto the stage, dark cloak billowing. And by his side, clad in black and purple stood Raven, frowning in disgust beneath a red wig.

Thus began the most awkward waltz of Robin's life.

Raven, snarling the entire time, clutched his arm so tightly he was sure her nails would tear his skin. She looked exposed without her cape and hood, and hunched her shoulders when he span her out or held her in complicated, body-breaking poses. However, even her facial expressions and bunched shoulders couldn't disguise the elegance in her movements. The soft tension in her legs, the sinuous curve of her back. Everything…

...except the wig.

It looked like a cheap plastic one bought from a tacky costume shop. It was messily tied in a lop-sided bun, and appeared to be slipping to one side. At one point it nearly fell off, and Robin was forced to grab her head to keep the wig on.

"As the prince and maiden danced, Siegfried confessed his love for her, and asked her to marry him."

Robin nearly dropped Raven. "What?" he spluttered. "I, what? I can't just-"

"Robin!" Cyborg hissed. "Just do it!"

Trying and failing to fight down the blush rising to his face, Robin took a deep breath and faced Raven. She stared back, anger knitting her eyebrows together.

"I-" Robin coughed and looked past her face at Beast Boy's encouraging grin. "I l-lo-ove you. And, ugh. And I… you…. Should marry me."

"Then," Mumbo shouted enthusiastically as the music turned low and loud. "There was a shriek of pain. Odette – the real Odette – had witnessed the entire exchange from the window. She fled from the palace as Von Rothbart revealed the true identity of the maiden."

Cyborg bound forward and balanced precariously on one leg, the other stretched behind his head. "Ahahaha!" he cackled woodenly. "That's not Odette! It's actually… uhh…"

"Odile," Mumbo muttered.

"Odile!"

Raven ripped off the red mask and shook out her violet hair. "Surprise."

"Siegfried realised his mistake and ran after his true love."

Robin didn't need telling twice. He scarpered.

Unfortunately, no sooner had his feet left the stage than he was teleported to a seat in the auditorium. The lake had been set up again, and the six swans were already in place on the glass. Starfire, still in bird-form, flew on stage and joined them.

"The broken-hearted Odette sought comfort with her fellow prisoners," Mumbo said as the swans danced on the lake. It was bizarre and beautiful at the same time, especially with the soft purple light glinting on the glass and the silver orb suspended above. Behind the trees was a net backdrop, dusted with tiny light bulbs twinkling like stars.

Then, Robin was on stage again, and very disorientated. He stumbled into one of the trees, knocking it over, then tripped and fell face-first onto the lake.

Mumbo frowned, unimpressed. "After trying to drown himself, apparently," he said, "Siegfried told Odette of Rothbart's deception."

Starfire fluttered to the edge of the lake and gave Robin a reproachful look. Robin grimaced and knelt down next to her. "I think we're near the end," he murmured. "Only a little longer, then we'll make him sorry."

This cheered Starfire up a little and she gave a quiet honk. The music swelled around them, reminding Robin that he needed to get on with the scene or he'd be forced to dance himself to death.

"Uh, so. Frogbert or whoever tricked me with another girl wearing a wig," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "Sorry."

Starfire honked again; he took this as forgiveness.

Then, with a crash of drums, Cyborg and Raven appeared at the back of the stage, now with huge, black wings and beaked masks. They reminded Robin of the fallen angels wearing plague masks, only more ridiculous.

"Von Rothbart and Odile found the couple," boomed Mumbo, "and insisted that the prince stay true to his word and marry his daughter."

"Uh, marry my daughter," said Cyborg. "Or… else?"

"But the fool-hardy prince exclaimed he would rather die!"

Robin sighed. "I'd rather die," he said listlessly. The music once more possessed his legs and sent him dancing around the glass, Starfire twirling around his feet. Then, they both leapt onto the lake…

… only to fall straight through.

They fell into a cramped cement cell beneath the stage, lit only by the stage lights filtering through the glass above. Starfire had reverted back into a human, dressed in her white tutu, eyes blazing furiously. "This is most humiliating," she said. "I do not care to be a bird again. Please, how much longer is the play?"

"To be honest, I thought it ended with the prince dying," Robin admitted, tapping the walls. They were solid. "Unless this was a trap? Get us to play along then throw us down here. Can you fly up?"

Starfire grabbed his hand and launched herself up towards the light. The glass ceiling grew closer and closer, blinding white. Robin braced himself for impact…

But the impact never came. The glass seemed to turn into water as they passed through, up above the stage. Glorious music swirled around them, and again their legs moved of their own accord. This time, however, they surrendered themselves to it. Without gravity, without the ground, just the soft air, non-resistant to each sweep of the leg and twirl of the body.

Below, the six swan girls were also dancing, human again and dressed in similar white tutus. Cyborg and Raven were nowhere to be seen.

The music grew to a deafening climax then, with a smart flick of Mumbo's wrist, stopped. The dancers in the audience clapped politely. When Starfire returned Robin to the ground, Mumbo had jumped onto the stage and bowed, sobbing.

"Thank you, thank you. A beautiful performance, but really we know the director is to thank for that," he sighed as red roses rained down on him, though no one seemed to be throwing them. "Thank you, Titans, but now I must be going. But first… get out of my hat!"

Mumbo swept his top hat from his head and gave the bottom a sharp tap. Immediately, Robin felt something like a hand pat him hard on the back and thrust him forward onto the floor. Everyone in his line of vision had fallen as well.

When he stood up, he was wearing his uniform again. The stage was empty and dark, bar the rest of his teammates and six confused ballerinas. The rest of the dancers were among the auditorium seats, staggering to their feet and rubbing their heads.

"Were… were we in his hat the entire time?" Beast Boy asked, looking down at his reinstated black and purple spandex.

"Looks like it. Which means he must be nearby… Titans, let's go!"

Robin led the way out through the back doors they had entered through – or at least thought they had – back down the narrow, prison-like corridors, out into the freezing night.

There was no sign of Mumbo anywhere.

"He's gone, Robin," Cyborg said, stopping behind him. "There's nothing we can do."

"Even if we could, there's nothing to arrest him for," Raven added. "He didn't steal anything, or hurt anyone. The most the police could do is give him a warning."

Robin growled but knew she had a point. Nevertheless, as the others trooped back to the car, he rung the police station to give them an update. A young woman answered.

"He got away too?" she moaned. "I stayed late specifically to process him when he came in."

"Sorry," he muttered gruffly and hung up. He felt a little bad for being so short with her, but he was in too bad a mood to really care all that much. Sliding his communicator back into his belt, Robin slid into the front seat of the car.

He never had liked ballet.

This was a tad longer than usual because… I had to tell the entirety of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake (which really isn't long at all when you consider each act is one scene, and most of it is just people dancing)

Today's title comes from The Nutcracker (1892) by Tchaikovsky, based on the E.T.A. Hoffman novella. The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy is a pas de deux.