Titans Tower had never looked so beautiful.
Although they'd only been gone for a few hours, it felt like days. But Cyborg's turkey was still on the kitchen counter, a gaping hole where he had been forcing an onion inside it, and Beast Boy's gingerbread mix was rolled out on the table, uncut.
However, both of these were ignored in lieu of the sofa. All five Titans collapsed on the soft blue cushions and didn't move or speak for some time.
"Do… do you think that was it?" Cyborg asked faintly, gazing listlessly at the dark window. Snow was building up on the window ledge. "Do you think we're done for the night?"
"Perhaps we should go to the bed," Starfire suggested. "And if there is an alarm, we can take turns. At least then some of us can acquire slumber."
Cyborg groaned and sat up. "I need to finish prepping the turkey… what's the time, anyway?"
Robin lazily checked his communicator. "Two in the morning."
"Merry Christmas," mumbled Beast Boy. "I'm going to take a shower… I can still smell the butcher's on me." He heaved himself to his feet and shuffled out of the room, rubbing his eyes. Raven and Cyborg dragged themselves to the kitchen, the former to make a cup of tea whilst the latter continued preparing the turkey.
Starfire tried to coax Robin up to go to bed, but he refused. "There's something else going on, Star," he said. "We need to figure out what. Let's go over it again. The brewery."
"Parry Partridge's brewery!" Cyborg called. "Birds. Maybe it's a dig at you, Robin?"
"Or Raven?" chimed Starfire.
Robin frowned. "Gloves from the fashion museum."
"Don't forget those weird robots Mod used," said Cyborg. "Maybe they mean something?"
"They were from A Christmas Carol." Raven had finished making her tea and returned to the sofa, sipping from a green mug. "Maybe it's something to do with Christmas?"
"Then the opera," Robin said. "With those French singers."
"What were they called again? Le Poorly Frances?"
"Les trois poulet Francais," Raven corrected. "The three French chickens."
Starfire giggled at this and began humming, shifting so she could stretch out on the sofa like a cat.
Cyborg stuffed a final clove of garlic and slice of orange into the turkey then pulled a roll of foil out of the cupboard. "Back on the birds. Then the phones – again, birds."
"Then Dr. Light with those… light circles," Robin continued.
Starfire giggled again and sang, "Five gold rings…"
Robin, Cyborg, and Raven froze then turned slowly to stare at her. "What did you say?" Robin asked.
Starfire flushed. "Apologies – perhaps I sang it incorrectly? Three French chickens, five gold rings?"
Robin leapt to his feet and sprinted to the computer, quickly typing something in and pulling a web page decorated with holly leaves and candy canes onto the large screen in front of the couch. "Partridge in a pear tree," he murmured. "Parry Partridge at the pear orchard. Two turtle doves… maybe that has something to do with gloves?"
"Three French hens." Cyborg gaped, foil dangling from his hands. "And the phones, there were four."
"Golden eggs come from golden geese," Robin realised. "Six geese-a-laying."
"Mumbo was specific about wanting seven swans," Raven said. "If this is the link then next would be…"
"Eight maids-a-milking," Robin finished. "Star, you did it! Now we know what the link is, we can work out where they'll attack next."
With the knowledge that another attack was likely imminent, Cyborg went back to wrapping his turkey with fervour. "A dairy farm, maybe?" he suggested. "BB'll love that…"
"I'll love what?" Beast Boy sloped back into the room, looking a lot more awake, and smelling much cleaner. His wet hair clung to the sides of his face, and he had a towel draped around his shoulders. "I thought we were going to bed?"
"No time," said Robin. "We've worked out the link: the twelve days of Christmas. There'll be another attack any time now."
Beast Boy gave a loud whine and threw himself on the sofa, nearly making Raven spill her tea. "Dude! Come on…" Pouting, he grabbed the remote and turned on the television, grumbling. "May as well try to stay awake…"
As Beast Boy flicked through the channels, trying to find something that wasn't reruns of old sitcoms or rubbish Christmas specials, Robin went back to the song lyrics. "There aren't any dairy farms nearby," he said. "And a farmer's market probably isn't specific enough. There has to be another way to incorporate maids-a-milking. Something like-"
"-EXTREME MILKING!"
Robin turned his head so quickly he thought his neck might snap. Beast Boy was still flicking through the channels until Robin snatched the remote from his hand and switched back to the programme he'd heard.
A presenter, wearing a berry-red suit and a wide grin, stood in the centre of a field with a black and white microphone. "I'm Derek Sneed, and this is a very special episode," he said, far too enthusiastically for a man standing ankle-deep in mud, "because this is our Christmas special! Tonight we have a very special guest to help us milk these cows – to the extreme! Please welcome… Bru- Control Freak!?"
"Yes! It's me, Control Freak!" cackled a voice off screen. The camera whirled around, past blurry cows, and settled on an overweight man with a dark coat and greasy, orange hair. "Christmas specials are so cheesy these days, so I've come to shake them up! Starting with Extreme Milking."
Derek Sneed walked back onto camera, a few feet behind Control Freak, and motioned for the camera man to cut the film. However, Control Freak noticed and grabbed the presenter by the front of his red jacket. "Titans," he crooned. "I know you're watching. Unless you want the entire crew to become cow-chow, I suggest you come join me as my special guests!"
The television began emitting a strange glow. When Robin touched it, he found his hand went straight through. "Looks like they've found a link," he remarked as his team gathered behind him.
"Through the power of terrible T.V. programming," Raven said.
The five steeled themselves then jumped into the glowing screen.
Extreme Milking had been filmed on a warm, September day, which caught the Titans by surprise when they stumbled onto soft, fresh grass. Derek Sneed yelped in surprise and tried to pull away from Control Freak, to little success.
"Drop him, Control Freak," Robin commanded.
"Hmm, I think not." With a smirk, Control Freak slung the poor man over his shoulder and legged it into the field of cows. The Titans made chase, dodging cows and trying not to slip over in splats of bovine excrement. This was, however, easier thought than done as the further they ran, the more cows they encountered.
They were, however, much faster than Control Freak, thanks both to their superior fitness and the fact they weren't trying to carry someone. Starfire soon caught up with the overweight villain, zipping in front of him, eyes blazing.
"Drop the man," she said, starbolt at the ready. "Now."
Control Freak gave her a goofy grin. "Anything for you, m'alien lady," he said, tipping an invisible fedora with one hand. With the other he carelessly dropped Derek Sneed into a fresh cow pat.
"Now, come with us so we can take you back to jail," Robin said from behind him, arms folded.
Control Freak tapped his chin thoughtfully then shook his head. "Nah, don't feel like it. As Extreme Milking was a bust, I think I'll try my luck on another channel." With that he pulled a remote out from his coat, pressed a button, and was enveloped in a bright glow. The Titans wasted no time in jumping after him, disappearing into thin air…
… Only to find themselves on a narrow, snow-laden bridge in the middle of a blizzard. More alarmingly, everything was black and white, like they were in an old film. Which, they reminded themselves, they probably were.
Control Freak was running again, dark coat bleeding into the night. Robin led the pursuit after him, trying not to slip up on the icy path. As they ran, they saw two people ahead of them. A man in shabby clothes stood leaning over the railing, staring at the churning waters below, whilst a second man with a hat was behind him, watching quietly.
As they passed, Cyborg skidded on the ice and knocked into the first man, accidentally pushing him over the railings and into the river.
"For Pete's sake!" cried the second man, jumping in after him.
Control Freak fumbled with his remote again, and through the swirling snow the Titans saw another flash of light and sped up to dive into it before it disappeared.
More snow. This time they fell into what seemed to be a square garden with only a thin layer of white covering the hazy grass. In the centre of the garden was the fine figure of a snowman, wearing an old green hat and scarf, with small pieces of coal for a mouth and eyes and a fruit for a nose. It looked familiar, though Robin couldn't place it.
The garden was walled in. With no where to escape to, Control Freak panicked and began running in circles around the snowman, leaving glistening footprints in the frost, soon trampled by Cyborg's stomps.
Eventually, Raven got sick of running and, with her powers, picked up a wheelbarrow and chucked it at Control Freak, obliterating the snowman in the process. It exploded in a shower of white powder and coal.
Control Freak rubbed his head, wincing, but managed to stagger to his knees and picked up the ex-snowman's scarf. "No!" he cried. "You just destroyed my childhood!"
"Fitting, as you're about to ruin your adulthood by taking you to jail," Robin said, reaching forward to grab him by his coat lapels. But Control Freak slammed his finger on the remote and disappeared in another blue flash.
In a blink, the cold garden was replaced by a large, cosy living room. They were out of the snow at least, but Control Freak was gone. Instead there were two men: one sitting on the sofa, the other walking dramatically to the window. Both wore dinner suits and ties.
"Where'd he go?" Robin asked, brow furrowed.
Beast Boy shrugged. "Maybe he's moved on already?"
"Let's ask." Cyborg strode forward confidently and coughed to get the two men's attention. Neither looked at him. "Hey, y'all seen a fat man with a coat?"
Cyborg didn't get a reply. Music began to play, soft and tinkling. Then the man by the window began to sing in a deep, velvety voice.
"IIIIII'm dreaming… of a whiiiiiite Chriiiiistmaaaas…"
"Did you hear me?" Cyborg said, stepping forward again. "We're kind of in a-"
"Just like the ooooones I used to knoooooow…"
Cyborg looked back at his team, face contorted in confusion. "He's not listening!"
Robin sighed deeply and approached the man. "This is really impor-"
"Where the treeeetooops glisten, and chiiiildreeeen listen… to heeeaaaar… sleighbells in the snoooooow…"
"I don't think we're going to get anywhere with them," Raven said.
Just then, a door burst open and out stumbled Control Freak, now wearing a stereotypical Santa Claus outfit, complete with a stick-on beard. Smirking, he held up the remote and raised his finger to press a button…
("IIIIIIII'm dreeeaaming… of a whiiiiiiiiite Chriiiistmaaaas! With every Christmas caaaaard I write…")
…only for Starfire to tackle with him a shriek. His finger slipped and he accidentally mashed the entire button pad with the heel of his hand. More blue light encased the group.
The two men didn't even blink.
"SANTA!"
A crowd of shrieking children greeted them, bundled up in warm coats and hats. The Titans looked around; they were in what appeared to be a mall, beautifully decorated with tinsel and white paper. The words 'WELCOME SANTA' hung from the ceiling in shining blue and red, and beneath that banner, sitting on a small throne…
"Control Freak," Robin hissed.
"I had been pondering the Santa Christmas attire," Starfire said. "He has, as you say, hidden himself in the plain sight."
"Not well enough." Robin glowered at the man, who was waving at the cheering children. "Let's take him down."
Before he could advance on the Santa impostor, Beast Boy grabbed him by the arm. "Dude! You can't just beat up Santa in front of all these kids!"
"Santa! It's me, Buddy!"
A grown man had joined the throng of children, decked in green. Control Freak's smile froze. "Ah…"
Beast Boy gasped and clapped his hands excitedly. "I love this film!"
"Why am I not surprised," said Cyborg.
"It's me!" The man, Buddy, ran forward. "It's m- who the heck are you?"
Control Freak paled. "W-well I'm Santa Claus!"
The children began surging forward, all eager to be the first to talk to 'Santa Claus'. The Titans had to awkwardly pick their way through the room, trying not to tread on any toes or knock anyone over, desperate to reach Control Freak before he did anything.
The crazy elf-man looked furious, his face inches from Control Freak's. They reached the front just in time to hear him hiss, "You sit on a throne of lies," before yanking on his beard. It fell away, eliciting gasps of shock from the children.
Control Freak scrambled to reattach the beard whilst backing away from the elf-man. "Time to go back to the North Pole," he said, grabbing one of the sacks of presents as he went. He fished his remote out and jabbed it.
The last thing the Titans heard was the man screeching, "He's a fake, he's a fake!" before the world dissolved into blue.
Blue melted away into a snowy mountainside. Up ahead there was a large sleigh, weighed down with a bulging sack. Next to the sleigh stood a green, hairy man wearing an amateurish Father Christmas outfit and holding a sort of trumpet to his ear.
A loud, disembodied voice permeated the mountain air.
He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming! It came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
Control Freak, was ahead of them too, running towards the green man. He still had his bag, and was grabbing wrapped boxes from inside and throwing them at the Titans.
And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came-"
Control Freak pushed rudely past the Grinch, throwing another present which hit him in the head. The Grinch picked it up and turned it over in his hairy hands.
"-from a fat man with a large burlap bag!"
He opened the present with fervour and hope,
And the Grinch found inside deodorant and soap!
Beast Boy snickered as they dashed past. "Well, at least he'll find it useful," he joked. "He does kinda smell."
They rushed on, disappearing in another blue flash and leaving the green man to stare sadly at his present.
"This Christmas," he thought, "isn't kindness and peace,"
"Christmas is a time for petty release!"
And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say,
That the Grinch's small heart shrank three sizes that day!
Inside again. This time, the room was empty and dark. Windows looking out to the night sky lined the barren walls. Fortunately, Control Freak appeared next to them. The moment the six of them realised this, he was on his feet and hurtling through a door.
"I feel like all we're doing is chasing him," Cyborg grunted as they, once more, ran after him. "How do we catch him?"
"His remote's got to run out of power eventually. And when it does…" Robin punched his hand, scowling.
Gunfire sounded from somewhere nearby, catching Beast Boy by such surprise that he tripped over his own feet.
Control Freak led them through what looked like unused offices; the furniture had been pushed to the side, and the lights were all off. Fortunately, the gunfire had stopped for the time being, but Robin kept a hand on his smoke-bombs just in case.
Control Freak paused by a door then swung around to stare at the Titans like a trapped rabbit. There was a muffled voice coming from behind him.
"It's over, Control Freak. Give yourself up," Robin demanded. The Titans slowly advanced, cornering him against the door. Control Freak's gaze flickered between them and the handle, as if weighing up his odds.
He made his choice and threw open the door…
"Yippee ki yay, motherf-"
A man in a grubby vest stared at them in shock, blood on his clothes a gun in his hand. Starfire shrieked and blasted him with a starbolt, throwing him back into a wall and knocking him out cold.
A walkie-talkie clattered to the floor.
Cyborg's clutched his head in horror. "You killed John McClane!"
Raven nudged the man with her foot. "He's probably be fine… Now, I believe we were about to take down this moron?"
"Gyah!" yelped Control Freak, already drawing out the remote.
The Titans were getting quite sick of blue light.
"Now where are we?" Beast Boy grumbled.
Raven smirked. "It looks like a graveyard."
"Trust you to be happy about that."
"Sshh!" Robin glared at them, crouching behind a rather ostentatious grave. "He's shaken us off again, but if we're quiet we can find him and surprise him."
The others nodded and followed suit, behind tombs and skeletal trees. The moon hung above them, huge and yellow like a giant egg yolk stuck in the black sky. In front of it was a hill, but instead of sloping down it trailed off into a curl overlooking a steep fall, oddly striking against the moon.
A figure appeared, tall and bony. And singing. Again.
"Oh soooomewhere deeeeep inside of these boooones… An eeemptiness begaaan to grooow…"
"I vote we don't ask him if he saw anyone," Cyborg whispered.
"Yeah, he kinda gives me the creeps," Beast Boy added with a shudder.
Robin shushed them. "We're looking for Control Freak! Although it might be easier if we knew where we were-"
"Nightmare Before Christmas," Raven said immediately.
Robin stared at her until she ever-so-slightly flushed and looked away.
"Trust you to like this film," Beast Boy said. On the curly hill, the skeleton man continued lamenting about emptiness and despair.
Cyborg slapped Robin's shoulder and pointed at a gravestone a few metres away. "I see him!"
But Control Freak had spotted them too and made a dash for it. However, he stumbled on something and fell forward, the remote sailing from his hands towards the skeleton on the hill.
Starfire and Beast Boy, as a falcon, flew after it. Somehow, the skeleton didn't notice two being hurtling in his direction.
"And since I am dead, I can take off my head! To recite Shakespearean quota-AAHH!"
The skeleton did, however, notice when a green bird whizzed past and knocked his skull out of his grip. It clunked on the ground then rolled into the deep darkness of the graveyard, leaving its body scratching the top of its neck in confusion.
Starfire managed to catch the remote and joyfully brought it back to the team. "I have acquired the controller!" She passed it to Robin who turned to Control Freak – being restrained in Cyborg's grip – with a crooked grin.
"Looks like your show's been cancelled."
Once they were back at the tower, Raven's services were volunteered to teleport Control Freak to the police station. When she returned in a spiral of black energy, she found Robin at the computer muttering to himself whilst typing furiously. Cyborg was tinkering with what she assumed to be Control Freak's remote. Beast Boy was rapidly cutting shapes out of vegan gingerbread dough, and Starfire was raiding the fridge.
It felt like a normal day, apart from the fact it was quarter to three in the morning.
Raven sighed and grabbed a teabag from her cupboard. Extra caffeinated.
This chapter's title isn't a quote (for a change) but rather something my fabulous sister came up with. Her thought process was thus:
Cows. Cows produce milk. Milk goes with cookies. Santa Claus eats milk and cookies. Santa Claus is sorta fat… Control Freak also is fat.
Genius.
The Christmas specials/films used were:
It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
The Snowman (1982) (Originally a 1978 picture book by Raymond Briggs)
Happy Holidays with Bing and Frank (1957) (Basically an excuse for Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra to sing a load of Christmas songs)
Elf (2003)
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966) (Originally a 1957 book by Dr. Seuss)
Die Hard (1988)
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)