FOOLS RUSH IN:
Summary: Emma Swan has been married since she was five years old. Under the old oak tree, she wed Killian Jones, her neighbor. Then, he moved away, but made one final promise, that one day he would marry her for real. See what happens when he returns to make good on his promise.
Fools Rush in Chapter Four
A/N: Thanks to CaptainSwanBigBang for once again organizing an amazing event. I've been missing Captain Swan for the past year, and having this has helped so much! Thanks to Lana ( high-seas-swan) and Kaitlyn ( Spartanguard) for their beta help. Go check out Lana's story when you get a moment as well – it's amazing! Thanks to Rachel ( Ladyciaramiggles) for the art she has provided. Also, thanks to Kris (2sambethe) for the cover art for the story and for beta help. All of you have made this story what it is! Enjoy Chapter Four and get ready for the amazingness of what is going to happen!
Side note: all the reviews have been AMAZING! Please keep them coming. I know I haven't responded to any of them; but they mean the world to me! I appreciate all the words and support!
Liam had never seen Killian so nervous. Killian had traveled the world, been to war zones, but never in his life did he feel so unsure of something. They were both off on Friday, and Liam watched as Killian paced around the house, changed his shirt at least five times, and burned the shit out of his bacon.
Meeting Emma again after so many years was the scariest thing he'd ever done. It wasn't that he didn't want to meet her again—he definitely did want to see her again. It was the unknown that scared him shitless. He wasn't sure where they stood.
When he left all those years ago, they were on good terms. Their promises to each other were fresh and held weight. However, as the years grew long, as time passed, those words meant less and less. Killian knew he'd fucked up by not writing to her. He knew he'd messed up by not making things right sooner. So, he was going into this dinner blind.
He wasn't sure how she would react to seeing him again. And truthfully, he wasn't sure how he would react either. The couple of times he had caught glimpses of her in the past, he either ran scared or was frozen in his tracks. Now that he was actually going to see her, face to face, and be confronted with everything that had happened, he wasn't sure what would happen.
In his mind, he hoped he would be brave. He saw himself standing tall, explaining to Emma just what he was feeling when his mom died. He saw himself being nothing but honest, hiding nothing, including his emotions. Yet, he also knew that talking about his mom was still difficult for him.
He was so young when she died, and he didn't quite comprehend what had happened. He didn't quite grasp how serious the situation with his mom and dad was. He didn't quite get that Liam would now be his parent and not his brother. He had been so confused that he never truly processed his emotions. So, whenever his mom was brought up, or his family for that matter, he got very quiet and sometimes a bit aggressive. He had been working on it the past few years, but he didn't want his past reflecting poorly on Emma. He'd worked hard to be the man she deserved.
He also wasn't quite sure what he was even going to say. How do you tell the girl who was once your best friend that you were pretty sure you were in love with her even though you hadn't spoken or seen each other in more than two decades? You really don't anyone who says that is a bloody fool and should be committed, he thought to himself.
He was pretty sure that was what he felt for Emma. There had to have been something between them, something that made him say no to almost every girl who had ever asked him out. There had to have been something that held him back from forming deep relationships with others.
He had only one other major relationship outside of his "marriage" with Emma and that didn't turn out well either, and something in the back of his mind told him it was because of Emma.
So there he was, with a few hours to go until his fate would be cemented, sitting in Liam's guest room, trying to find something to take his mind off of what might happen. Normally, he would find solace in a glass or bottle of rum, but he couldn't do that tonight. He didn't want anything clouding his mind.
For a few moments, he thought he could just scroll through Facebook. Sometimes that was distraction enough, especially if he found a video that could keep his attention. But it didn't seem to work today.
He found himself rifling through his small suitcase. He really was surprised at how much crap he had collected over the years. He had brought three suitcases with him when he came to Storybrooke, in addition to the 10 large boxes he sent to Liam ahead of time. Then he had a computer bag that was stuffed full, plus his carry on suitcase.
That suitcase he brought on the plane held his most precious memories. A box was inside that he didn't want to ever misplace. Sure, it took up more than half of the space in the suitcase, but he didn't want to chance it by sending it to Liam ahead of time or placing it in checked luggage. Plus, he used this box like a crutch and he couldn't believe he didn't think to get the box out earlier.
Emma used to be Killian's support. She used to be all he needed to feel better, but when he left, he knew it would need to change. His mom became his new crutch, but then she died. It seemed to him that everyone important to him was leaving or not around. He couldn't use Liam either, so instead, he used those old letters as his crutch.
When things went to shit or life was just getting to him, he reread those old letters. Those letters got him through multiple deployments, multiple hard nights, and some pretty tough years. Sometimes, he wished that he would have sent those letters. Maybe, if he had, Emma and he would be closer than they were and who knows, maybe they would have gotten together. But, at the same time, he was quite glad he had them at the moment.
The first letter in the box was the first one he had written after he stopped sending them to her. It was a letter he went back to time and time again, and kept adding to it. Once a year, on the anniversary of his mother's death, he would add to the letter. It went from being a few lines, in scribbly, horribly spelled and written words, to being a couple of paragraphs in detailed discourse about how he was feeling each anniversary.
Followed behind that letter were countless others. He started collecting these letters in an old shoe box. But, by the time he was twelve, four short years after he stopped sending them, he ran out of room and many of them were bent and stuffed. He rode his bike to the local post office and took a free box home with him. He laid quite a few of them out and under some large books Liam brought into the house to put them in pristine condition again. When he graduated and went into college, he invested in some storage boxes that would keep his letters perfect. One day, he did hope to show Emma the letters, but he also didn't want to expose himself that way.
That first letter he could read from memory. He didn't even need to look at the first couple of pages to know exactly what they said, yet he picked up and read it.
Hey Emma,
I wanted to say i'm sorry. I can't write anymore. I'm sad all the time. Ma is gone and I don't want to talk about it. I don't know what to say anymore. I know you loved her, just as much as I did. I don't want to make you sad by telling you. I don't want to be sad anymore. Please understand. I still miss you. I still wish you were here; I just don't want to make you sad. I don't want to hurt you, and I know a letter would. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
Love you,
Killian
Emma,
It's been a year since mom died. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I know I haven't talked to you in a while, and I'm sorry, but I just can't deal with it. I don't want to disappoint you or make you mad. I know anything I say to you now would. But, you are still my best friend.
Love you,
Killian
The next couple of years had the same writing. Each year he kept apologizing for not talking to her. He kept saying how he wished his mom was there, or that she was there. He kept saying how he didn't want to hurt her with his news. He could almost hear the disappointment in his words. He could feel the embarrassment. He kept reading until he got until his current year, to the letter he wrote less than a year ago. They were coming up on the anniversary of his mother's death and it was hitting him harder than normal.
In the past couple of years, dealing with his mother's death had been a bit easier. The Navy helped. He had started attending church on base. He wasn't the most religious, and he questioned things quite often, but his mother loved church and was very religious, so he felt closer to her when he sat in the pews and listened to the sermons. He had also been spending a lot of time just walking around parks, taking in nature. His mother always said she felt closer to God when in nature. Since his mother loved it, he wanted to see if he felt closer to her there too. And he did. He felt his mother in every breeze and in every flower.
Emma,
It's hard to believe it's been so long since everything happened. There is still so much I wish I had done differently, yet at the same time, I know I did the right thing. Each year I tell you the same thing. I say how sorry I am that I lost touch, that I stopped writing, and each year I mean it. I wish I hadn't stopped writing, but I know that I could have never told you exactly how I felt all those years ago when mom passed away. I could barely process my own feelings, let alone process how to tell you what I was feeling.
I know you loved my mom almost as much as I did. I haven't been able to put myself through looking at all her treasured items, but I know there are just as many pictures of you in there as there are of me and Liam. She loved you like you were her own. That was part of the reason I could never get the courage to tell you she passed. I am sure by now you know. I know Liam talked to your mom when she passed, so I hope your parents told you. I hope you took it better than I did. I hope you know that she loved you and she is looking down on you, always your guardian angel.
It took me so many years to get over the anger I felt at the situation. To move away, right as mom fell ill, just for my deadbeat father was hard for me to deal with. Truthfully, I still blame him a bit for everything. I feel if he had stayed, or if she had let him go, that mom may still be here. I KNOW if we had stayed with you, stayed with your family, that mom would have been able to fight harder and longer than what she did. Just know, she did fight. She fought so hard. Looking back, I am so proud of her fight. She was so sick, yet she never gave up. She kept her faith and kept her happiness.
She used to talk about you all the time too, which was another reason I couldn't bring myself to tell you she passed. The relationship you both had was something I was at times jealous of, and I didn't want to be the one to break the news to you. I don't remember a whole lot from that time, but I do remember a story she told me when she first told me she was sick. I could tell something was wrong. Earlier she had fought with my dad and I thought that maybe he was hitting her, but I was so off. She sat me down and began to tell me a story of a knight.
I didn't know it then, but the story was about me. She spoke of a knight that had to leave home, even though he was devoted to a princess of his kingdom. You were that princess. We were so young, but I was so committed to you. At the time, it was just as a friend, but as the years how gone by, I see that those feelings have been deeper. You meant and mean so much to me, and I didn't know how to survive without you for so long. In fact, I probably still don't, as I still find myself writing to you, even though we haven't truly spoken in years. But, let's continue the story. The knight had to leave on a quest, even though he didn't want to leave the princess behind. The knight's quest was to take care of his family, who were in a battle-torn area of the kingdom. The knight was of course scared to leave, as he didn't want to go to war. But, my mother told me that the knight knew that he had to go, because he knew that the princess would still be there for him when he returned. The princess and knight were always meant to be.
That story has gotten me to where I am today. It reminded me of what we once had. When days are hard, when the nights are long, when deployments get to be too much, I think of that story. I know that we may not be as close as we once were, but the foundation is still there. I know that one day our friendship will be stronger than ever. We just need to get back what we lost.
I still miss mom every day. It is still really hard most of the time. Other than you, she was the most important thing to me. For so long, I felt so alone. All of a sudden, I didn't have anyone. Sure, Liam was around, but I couldn't really talk to him. It was hard, he was so much older, and lost just as much as I did, but it was different. The person I really wanted to speak to was you, but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't something I could write. I couldn't come up with the words. I couldn't convey the feelings. I really wanted to actually talk to you, but I couldn't talk about it at all. Liam tried to get me to talk, to anyone. He tried to get me to talk to him, which was just horrible. He tried to get me to talk to a relative, some distant aunt I have never really known. Of course that was just a train wreck. Then, it was a "professional" at school. He acted like he understood what I was going through, but he just came across pompous.
Nothing really worked, and it made me feel even more alone. It made the feelings I had had all along just more righteous. I had never wanted to leave Storybrooke. Of course, I keep saying it was because of you, but it was more than that too. Storybrooke was everything I had known. It was truly home. I felt alive there, understood, and safe. Ireland was different. I didn't feel alive there. Things seemed grey and dull. No one understood me once mom died. Liam tried, but it wasn't the same. Even our friends at school understood me better than he did. Yes, he's my big brother and I have always looked up to him, but understanding each other wasn't easy. I didn't feel safe there. It wasn't anything like, I was worried about my dad, but I was just worried that someone else was gonna die. I was worried that someone else was going to leave. In one year, I had lost you, my mom and my dad. I was worried I would lose Liam, or truly lose you.
So, again, here I am writing to you. Writing in hopes that one day, I can get the balls to tell you all of this. Once a year, I always feel a bigger twinge of regret. Regret that we lost touch, regret that I let my fears get the best of me, regret that each year I let time pass without talking to you.
When we do talk again, which I know we will again if not soon, then later, I hope I will be able to tell you all of this. I hope that I will be able to say it all. I hope that I can make it up to you one day. To be the knight my mom thought I was. One day, I promise, things will be different and I will be able to say all of this to you.
Love always,
Killian.
He could remember when he wrote that. He didn't believe that within a year, he would be on the verge of making his wishes come true. He read the last couple of paragraphs again, seeing his promises he made to her. Yes, he may not have actually promised Emma these things, but he felt he did. He felt he really did make the promise to the real Emma. It was what he felt each time he wrote to her. It felt like he was actually talking to her. He knew it was a little batty, but it helped.
He looked up at the clock and saw that he needed to leave or he would be late, and he didn't want to start off this new relationship with Emma on the wrong foot. He had decided that this was exactly that. It was a new start, a new relationship. He was going to really to prove to Emma that he was her knight in shining armor and they were meant to be. Yes, time may have passed, and sure, they didn't end things well, but they were meant to be.
He didn't even realize that he had gotten in his car and drove all the way to Granny's. He was too wrapped up in pumping himself up for seeing Emma. After reading that letter, he knew just what he needed to do. He knew he would need to do something to show her just how sorry he was and just how committed he was now to developing their relationship back up.
He parked outside and saw the yellow bug he saw her driving a few days ago. He could have sworn that it was his mom's bug. He didn't remember much from his childhood, but there were certain memories that were burned into his mind.
He looked at the clock and saw that he must have sped to the diner, cause he still had ten minutes before he needed to be inside. And while he was ready to go in, he was frozen to the seat. His nerves were suddenly overwhelming. He was truly scared of what might happen. He had been playing himself, thinking that his nerves would go away when the time got closer. He was a fool for thinking that the letters would help him truly get over all the fears he had.
His phone rang in his pocket.
"Hello," he answered.
"Get out of the car and go inside little brother," came his brother's voice from the other end.
"How did you know," he asked, not even bothering to say his normal comeback.
"I know you, Killian. You may have seemed confident when you left the house, but I knew by the time you arrived, you would be scared shitless," he explained.
"I don't know what happened. I was so excited when I left, I was pumped, but now I don't know if I can go through with this," he said, wariness laced his voice.
"You psyched yourself up too much. You always have. You were the same way when you graduated and went to OCS. You got on the plane all confident and cocky, and by the time you arrived in DC you were texting me that you thought you made a mistake. You are in your head too much," his brother rationalized.
"I can't help it. It's been years. I mean what if she doesn't forgive me? What if everything I thought was just a dream?" he questioned.
"Dude, stop it. You will never know unless you get out of that car and go inside. It's just Emma. I am sure she is still the same girl you once knew. Sure, time has passed and she's grown up, but in the end she is still that girl you knew. Remember, a man who doesn't fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets." His brother's words resonated deep.
He was right; the girl waiting inside was just Emma. Some part of her was still the same girl he had married under that old oak tree. Time may have passed, but their friendship could stand that test. And, if he wasn't willing to go in and talk to her, if he wasn't willing to really try and fix what he had done, then he deserved a life without Emma and a life that was filled with emptiness.
"Thanks, brother; I'll talk to you later," he said.
"Go get'em," he heard his brother say as they ended the conversation.
He took a big breath and got out of the car. He walked inside with a purpose. He kept chanting to himself, It's just Emma, It's just Emma. His nerves waved each time he said it. He knew when he walked in the door he wouldn't see the five year old girl he had once kissed under the oak tree, but thinking that a part of that girl would be waiting at their old booth got him through the door.
The bell jingled in an all too familiar way. It pulled him to the present. His eyes focused quickly to the back of the diner. The other senses of his body fell away. They were still there, in the back of his mind, but they weren't the focus. Any other day, he would have relished in the smell of the diner, like nothing had changed and the same oil was being used for the deep fryer. He would have taken in each and every word the patrons were saying. Instead, his eyesight trained to the back of the room and narrowed in on what he was most nervous about.
He could see blonde hair and a red leather jacket. The hair was flowing perfect. The color stood out and it looked like it had its own lighting. There was a girl standing at the booth talking to her who looked up when he walked in. Killian didn't really take her in, but could see Emma react to what she said.
Suddenly the woman in front of him took a very deep breath in. Almost like she was preparing herself for what was to come. Maybe she felt the same nerves that were racing through his veins.
He was glad her back was to him. It gave him a moment to gain his composure and turn his thoughts off in order to walk to her. The woman at the booth smiled at him as she turned to walk away.
It felt like hours passed as he walked towards the farthest booth. Each step echoed in his ears. With each step, his fate and destiny were getting closer and closer. More details of the woman who stayed seated with her back to him came out. He could see the depth of the red of the jacket she wore. He could see the highlights in her hair. He could see the different colors and how they interacted with each other. It was mesmerizing. He could see the rise and fall of her shoulders as she breathed in and out.
As he reached the booth, he turned to finally take in the beauty that sat before him and looked fate and destiny right in the eye. And what he saw didn't disappoint.
"Hello, love; long time no see."