YOONGI
Min Yoongi wiped away the drops of sweat dripping from his forehead with the towel someone just gave him. Welcoming the soft fabric on his burning skin from exertion during their performance. Various people slapped his back, pinched his shoulders and smiled at him on his way to the dressing rooms, leaving the applause and screams behind him. The building they had performed at tonight was on the smaller side, so he shared a room with Park Jimin and Kim Seokjin. He entered being the first, and reckoned it was going to take a while before anyone else would join him. The others would be caught up in taking pictures, calling family, talking and laughing with each other and their crew. He didn't mind it at all, though. He welcomed the moment of peace and loneliness with open arms. He loved performing, but hated the attention. Well, maybe not full on hating, because some parts could be fun, sometimes, but most of it he strongly disliked. Forcing smiles, forcing happiness, faking being in a healthy state of mind, because he wasn't. He went through so many ups and downs in the past, he had stopped counting a long time ago. His mental health has had a habit of fucking him over, and though he had been quite steady for a while now, as of this moment, he felt on the brink of being sucked into that all over again.
After he took off his stageclothing, he locked himself in the accompanying bathroom, turning on the shower with the lowest temperature possible, so the heat that had been building up inside his body would leave quicker. He knew this was very bad for his muscle repairment, and he could already feel the soreness and the stiffness of his protesting body in the morning. But he couldn't care about it, tomorrow would be a day off, and he was not planning on doing anything other than lying in bed and catch up on some much needed sleep.
He turned off the shower and quickly changed into a more comfortable outfit, or rather some pants he found that belonged to Seokjin, which were a little long on him, and a shirt with a Pikachu on it that most certainly belonged to Jimin. It was rather tight on his own torso, which made him think. He had borrowed Jimin's shirts before and they would always fit perfectly fine. He didn't think much of it though, the piece of clothing could have shrunken easily just because of wearing and washing it often. The quality wasn't that great after all, because Yoongi was pretty sure he spotted his nipples through the thin white fabric. But Jimin seemed to love the shirt, so he took it off and grabbed a random hoodie he found to put that on instead, so Pikachu wouldn't look like he gained some pounds by being stretched on Yoongi's body for a period of time.
Even after the cold shower he still felt like he was burning up. Without putting on his shoes, or even some socks he sneaked through the empty hallway towards the door that lead to the closed outside area of the concert building, where they just had their lunch and diner a couple of hours ago, prior to their performance. The area looked much different in the darkness, almost a little spooky, because there wasn't anyone around. He didn't have many moments where he could be completely by himself, surely not outside. Someone was always watching, making sure he was not being kidnapped or killed or something like that. He enjoyed it a lot to have these stolen moments by himself.
Lately everything went by so fast, so many impressions, so many feelings and emotions. He was used to being close with the six other members of their group, there had only been a few moments in the past years they had not been together. But things had been a little different lately. Tensions, fights, problems, it all got a little too much at times. The others seemed to cope perfectly fine, as was expected. But not Yoongi. It all started building up inside him, haunting him, making him anxious something else would happen and disturb the peace between them. Even though fights had never been longer than a day, making up with smiles and sugary foods, Yoongi was scared that eventually it would be the death of them. Not literally the end of their lives of course, but their brotherhood, their little family he loved so much.
The others seemed to not share these fears with him. He tried bringing it up the other night, but his thoughts got laughed away quickly. Telling him he shouldn't be afraid, ditch his fears as a little bitch fight here and there was perfectly normal. They obviously didn't pick up on the bad tension surrounding them. Hanging above them like rainy clouds, just waiting until they soaked up enough to make it all come down at once, dropping on them and making them and their perfect little world falling down like dominoes.
Was he really the only one feeling like this? Or did he just make it up, trying to find an excuse for the built up anger, fears and frustrations inside him? He wasn't sure anymore and it tired him. Tired of feeling so much. Maybe everything in their group was perfectly fine, and it just all went south with himself, again. He just wasn't sure anymore, it made him anxious and upset he couldn't understand where most of his dark feelings came from.
Yoongi kept on walking, not even noticing his feet aching and his toes feeling numb. The icy wind of the november night stroke his cheeks like the hand of his grandmother just moments before her passing years ago. The familiar sad feeling grasped him like an old enemy, forcing the memory upon him. Tears started to blur his vision, leaving wet streaks of painful memories and thoughts on his pale skin. The dark periods of his life started dancing before his eyes in a narking way. The unwanted feelings always seemed to get a hold of him whenever he felt down, making everything worse. They were the cause of him just shutting it all off in the past, going on for months without feeling anything. Much like a protecting wall surrounding him, trapping whatever he had left of his feelings just so he could somewhat function, faking it for the outside world hoping people wouldn't get suspicious. So they would leave him alone, he hated being pitied. But the most important function of his wall was blocking the emotions around him. Both good and bad. He didn't want anything of it any longer. He didn't want to feel friendship, love, happiness, but most importantly, pain anymore. There, in that moment like a stroke of lightning in a clear starry night sky, he flipped the switch of every feeling and emotion wandering his soul. He shut off everything that made him who he was, for the better. For protecting himself and others.
The tears stopped flowing, leaving a burning sensation on his cheeks from the salt that was left behind. His eyes still got watery from the cold air blowing in his face, and an occasional wet streak appeared on his cheeks from tears rolling down. The moisture just being empty puddles of liquid. No emotion attached.
He wanted to be happy. He wanted to be healthy, -mentally. He wanted to love himself, and more importantly, love his family and friends in a way they deserved. Of course he loved the people around him dearly, but he felt like there was a big difference between caring about a person and being there for someone. He was unable to fulfill his duty in that last part. He wished he could, though. He wholeheartedly wished he could be that person his surroundings needed him to be. But he just couldn't. He couldn't be a rock for his friends, family or potential partner, when he wasn't even able to look to himself in the mirror and feel anything close to peace with whom was looking back at him. Everyone was better of without Yoongi having or showing any feelings.
He slowly started moving again, he hadn't really noticed he stopped walking a while back. Filling his lungs with the fresh evening air by taking a deep breath, he felt he got more and more familiar with his new, -or old, carefree, feelingless self. It felt good to be able to shut it all off. It felt.. easy, peaceful even, not having to care about a single thing around him. He had missed this.
A familiar voice sounded behind him, causing a sudden flaque of guilt and regret to creep in, almost forcing him to flip his switch back to the way it should be. He quickly shook this annoying thoughts away. Clenching his fitst and grinding his teeth. His ears registered another calling of the voice, now closer to him. He tried to make sense out of the words being thrown at him, but it took him a while to tie the knots. He turned around, facing the person that had pulled him out of his deepest thoughts.
'You OK, hyung?' Jimin asked, clearly noticing Yoongi didn't pick up on his previous questions. He nodded in response, shrugging his shoulders. His friend narrowed his eyes, studying Yoongi's face.
'You cried?' The words sounded in between a question and a statement.
'It's cold,' Yoongi responded curtly. 'My eyes are just watering because of the wind.'
Jimin rolled his eyes while walking around him and pushing him back towards the building. 'You shouldn't be outside in this weather without your coat on, or even shoes! You can't get sick in the middle of the tour,' Jimin lectured him.
'I won't,' Yoongi mumbled, 'bacteria make you sick, not cold weather.'
'When did you get smart, professor-hyung?' Jimin jokingly asked.
Yoongi swiftly turned around and faced his friend again, taking a step closer towards him, so their bodies almost touched. He started breathing into his friends face, who responded by quickly jumping backwards with annoyment painting his face.
'Now that we share my bacteria, you'll get sick as well then.'
Jimin rolled his eyes at him yet again, and started pushing his chest gently until the door locked behind them. 'You need a mint, hyung. I can taste your grose breath in my mouth. Did you eat garlic?'
The sudden difference in temperature gave Yoongi goosebumps, which didn't go unnoticed by Jimin.
'What exactly were you doing there, hyung? It was like I couldn't reach you for a moment or two. You were totally zoned out, it seemed like.'
Yoongi felt busted, but made sure his appearance wouldn't tell. He was very good at keeping a straight face when he went with his switch off. He normally didn't show much of his emotions anyway, but he couldn't always keep this up for the people he cared about mostly. Some days they could read his face like an open book, but most days his book stayed closed. They had played some shitty game with him for years now, where they would try to guess what was going through Yoongi's mind when his face was totally blank. He did not find this game funny at all, hence why it had caused many fights in the past. Especially Jimin didn't know when to quit, trying to pick up on every slight change in Yoongi's emotions. Yoongi prefered being left alone with his thoughts, only sharing them when he had major concerns, like the other day for example. But they seemed to not give a shit at all, so he would make sure, from now on, no one would ever read a page in his book again.
'Just getting some air, don't stress about it.'
'But why are you going outside, barefoot, in the middle of winter?' Jimin kept on asking, 'your toes look like they are about to fall off!'
Maybe they should, Yoongi thought, he would most likely not even feel it if they did.
'I forgot about them. It's still autumn, by the way.' He turned around, leaving Jimin behind at the door and walked over towards the other exit where their bus was parked. He full on ignored Seokjin, who immediately started complaining about the pants Yoongi stole when he caught sight of him, leaving him in boxers because he didn't have another pair on him. Their bus was parked very close to the exit, so Seokjin would have to make peace with wearing just his boxers and a towel Namjoon had given him.
Suddenly, when Yoongi almost reached the entrance of the bus, a gentle pull on his stolen hoodie made him stop walking. He turned around to face Jimin, taking a little step to the side so the rest could pass them on their way inside. Probably all going straight to bed, as he could see the tiredness on all of their faces. It had been a long day indeed.
'Yoongi-hyung, can we talk?' Jimin asked with a soft, nervous sounding voice while pulling the fabric of Pikachu's ear on his shirt, making the creature look like he took a few punches. The shirt fitted him losely, Yoongi noticed. Was he getting fatter or did Jimin lose weight?
'No.' Yoongi smirked. He didn't want the pity talk he was sure his friend was planning on composing. He, for a matter of fact, didn't want to talk at all. He wanted pillows, blankets and his pajamas. Seokjin's pants were itchy, and he would very much like it to take them off now. He turned around, leaving Jimin alone outside the bus. He reached his bed by forcing his way through the aisle, by pushing his changing friends out of the way, getting multiple snarky comments. He finally unzipped Seokjin's pants, took them off and folded them up neatly, giving them back with a little smile. 'Thanks for the borrow.' Seokjin sniffed in return, seeming too tired to complain about Yoongi and his rudeness again.
Yoongi stepped into his bed, and almost immediately fell into a deep, well deserved sleep, giving no more thoughts on his friend outside, who ever so slightly teared up after Yoongi left him there.
JIMIN
After stepping out of the shower and pulling on his underwear he made the mistake of looking into the mirror. Without a shirt on he could clearly see all the fat that had built up again over the past year. His six-pack now gone and his chubby cheeks slowly returning. He pinched the soft skin of his belly with a disgusted look on his face. He felt sick. He wanted to throw up but with nothing in his stomach he couldn't anyways.
He shouldn't have read the comments of the past few performances on his phone earlier. He had read many loving supporting comments but there were also many comments about him losing his six-pack, him gaining weight and him looking fat.
ugly fat toe
JIMIN IS A FAT BITCG
JIMINS FAT AND UGLY
There were many more like this and they always got to him. He knew he was slowly falling back into the toxic mindset he had years ago. Eating only once in 10 days, training until he fainted, it had almost destroyed him but he knew the fans were happier this way. He was happier this way. The fans always showed their support and told him not to lose weight, they wanted to see him eat. However, when he did lose weight, they always seemed happy about it.
With a shuddering breath he grabbed the Pikachu shirt and quickly pulled it over his head and disgusting body. The shirt hung lose around his frame he noticed. Good, he thought to himself, now no one will notice the fat around his stomach.
As he stepped out of the bathroom he knew he had to talk to someone. He had to get it off his chest before he would fall too far down the rabbit hole again, before he lost his nerves. He would usually talk to Taehyungie about these kind of things but with the recent passing of his grandfather he did not want to bother him. Jungkook was also out of the question, the younger boy always made him feel worse about himself. Not because of the things he said but because how easy everything came to him. Jin-hyung was also out of the question, he would probably laugh it off, joke about it again or tell him not to worry about such ridiculous things. He could talk to Namjoon-hyung or Hobi-hyung but he was not looking forward to another lecture about self-care, which only left Yoongi-hyung. The older boy might be brutally honest and could say hurtful things but he also always knew that what he said was true. If he could talk to him, get help from him, everything would be fine. Park Jimin would be fine. The only question was, where is yoongi?
He spent some time looking around the building, everyone had left already except for Jin. "Hyung, did you see Yoongi?" Jimin asked as he entered the hallway where he saw Jin. "I saw him going outside some time ago." Jin mumbled distractedly. Jimin nodded. "Thank you, hyung!" He made his way down the stairs towards the front door.
It didn't take long before Jimin found his hyung standing outside, totally zoned out. Cute, he thought. "Hyung!" Jimin said loudly as he made his way over to the older boy. "Hyung" he said again. Yoongi turned around, facing him. "You OK, hyung?"
Jimin watched his friend nod and shrug. He wasn't convinced, Jimin had always been good at picking up emotions from others and he was sure something was up with the older boy. Jimin narrowed his eyes, carefully studying yoongi's face. "You cried?"
"It's cold." The cold words did not sit well with Jimin. Yoongi never cried. "My eyes are just watering because of the wind." Jimin rolled his eyes. Right and I'm the fairy king, he thought as he pushed his friend back towards the building. "You shouldn't be outside in this weather without your coat on, or even shoes! You can't get sick in the middle of the tour," Jimin lectured. "I won't," Yoongi mumbled. Jimin found that hard to believe. He knew his hyungs self-destructive tendencies well.
"Bacteria make you sick, not cold weather" he continued.
"When did you get smart, professor-hyung?" Jimin jokingly asked.
Jimin startled when Yoongi suddenly turned around and took a step closer. They were too close. One small step closer and Yoongi could feel his fat tummy against his body, he did not want them to know he had gained weight. He did not want them to know how disgusting his body was. As he felt the warm air on his face he quickly jumped backwards, faking an annoyed expression. "Now that we share my bacteria, you'll get sick as well then." He heard him say. It wouldn't be too bad getting sick, he'd have an excuse not to eat. He quickly pushed those thoughts away again, he couldn't get sick on tour. He'd only feel worse if he did.
Jimin rolled his eyes yet again, and started pushing him gently until the door locked behind them. "You need a mint, hyung. I can taste your gross breath in my mouth. Did you eat garlic?" He asked asked. "What exactly were you doing there, hyung? It was like I couldn't reach you for a moment or two. You were totally zoned out, it seemed like."
"Just getting some air, don't stress about it." Once again, he had a hard time believing the older boy. "But why are you going outside, barefoot, in the middle of winter?" Jimin kept on asking, "your toes look like they are about to fall off!" He gestured to yoongi's bare feet. "I forgot about them. It's still autumn, by the way." Jimin scoffed as he heard those words but decided not to ask any more questions about this for now.
He watched the retreating form of his friends small frame before realizing why he had been looking for his hyung in the first place. Jimin quickly took a few step forwards and gently pulled the older boys hoodie. "Yoongi-hyung, can we talk?" Jimin asked quietly.
"No." The words hit him hard. He knew he could be annoying, he knew he was needy and was an attention whore, even the fans called him that. But he never imagined his hyung flat out saying no when all he wanted to do was talk. A tight knot formed in the bottom of his stomach as he watched the retreating form of his friend.
Maybe he they had realized how fat he had gotten, maybe they agreed and didn't want to talk to him anymore because they were also disappointed in him. Maybe Yoongi wasn't having issues of his own and he simply hadn't want to talk to him because he also had noticed his subpar performance.
He felt tears prickling in his eyes and desperately tried to keep them back. He would get back on top of his game and everyone would be proud of him. Everyone would be happy to spend time with him, because he would be perfect. He just needed to lose some more weight and train some more.
He was pulled out of his thoughts as Jin appeared in the doorway of the bus. "You coming, Jimin?" Jimin nodded. "Yes, hyung." Jimin said quietly as he followed him and settled down into his bed.
About half an hour later the bus stopped at a small dinner. All of them usually ate dinner after the show, except for Jungkook, whose stomach always got upset with eating this late. Jimin however, usually joined them. He never ate much either because his stomach was also sensitive to the food late at night but he always did to not worry the other members. After the incident where he had only eaten once in 10 days and fainted several times the other members had started to watch him closely. They kept offering food and would always ask him if he wanted to join them for dinner. Over the past 2 years this slowly stopped again. His eating habits had improved a lot and he wasn't overworking himself anymore, until now.
The other members started putting on their coats and preparing themselves to go out into the cold. Jimin however, remained settled on his bed, hiding under his blanket. "Jimin, are you coming?" Jin asked him, causing Jimin to pull his head away from his warm little cocoon. He shook his head. "No hyung, I don't feel too well." He murmured. Jin threw a worried glance at the younger boy as Jimin pulled the blanket back over his head.
He heard Jins retreating steps, wondering where the older went he once again pulled his head under the blanket away again and took a quick look around. He saw Jin returned with another blanket which he wrapped around the younger's body, wrapping him in the blankets even tighter. Jimin silently thanked Jin for the extra blanket, he had been cold for the better part of the day. He knew this was most likely caused by the lack of food, he had experienced it all before after all. "Call if you need anything or if you want us to bring something back." A worried look appeared on his face. "I hope you'll feel better Jimin, just try to sleep it off." He said as he patted Jimin's head before leaving.
Jimin felt bad for lying to the others but he really didn't feel like eating dinner now or anytime soon. His stomach would end up upset if he did anyways. He once again pulled the blanket over his head. The extra blanket did help a little, he could feel the extra warmth the blanket gave. However, his body still refused to get warm.
After some time the other members returned, they tried to be as quiet as possible. Jin had probably told them he wasn't feeling well so they most likely just tried to be quiet to not disturb him. This was difficult with so many people though. Jimin was glad he had such thoughtful friends, even if he wasn't sleeping and they weren't quiet at all he did appreciate them trying to be. This only made him feel worse for lying.
Once everyone had settled down again and the bus had started driving most of them tried to get some sleep while others remained on their phones with their sounds off. Sleep didn't come easy for him that night. Thoughts of Yoongi and their conversation, the lying and the lack of food were still swirling inside of his head, which made him restless. Normally the gentle swaying of the bus lulled him into sleep very easily, especially after a concert however tonight it didn't.
It didn't help either that he was wearing clothes, normally he would sleep in a simple pair of underwear or even completely naked since he didn't like to be restricted. Lately, he started having trouble doing that. He felt uncomfortable when the other members would see his bare body. He did not want them to see his body. He did not even want to see his body so why would he bother the others with it.
After what seemed like ages, he finally did manage to fall asleep. He was plagued with nightmares all night, causing him to wake up several times, once even while crying. He sincerely hoped he hadn't woken or disturbed the other members in their nights rest. He really didn't want to have to tell them why he was having nightmares or what they were about.