FOOLS RUSH IN:
Summary: Emma Swan has been married since she was five years old. Under the old oak tree, she wed Killian Jones, her neighbor. Then, he moved away, but made one final promise, that one day he would marry her for real. See what happens when he returns to make good on his promise.
Fools Rush in Chapter Eight
Rating: Mature/ Explicit
A/N: Thanks to CSBB for once again organizing an amazing event. I've been missing Captain Swan for the past year, and having this has helped so much! Thanks to Lana ( high-seas-swan) and Kaitlyn ( Spartanguard) for their beta help. Go check out Lana's story when you get a moment as well – it's amazing! Thanks to Rachel ( Ladyciaramiggles) for the art she has provided Also, thanks to Kris ( sambethe) for the cover art for the story and for beta help. All of you have made this story what it is! I hope you all enjoy what's happening and what is to come! Things are starting to heat up!
He stared at her for a moment - running the last few seconds through his mind over and over again. Did she really just say what he thinks she said?
"I'm saying, let's do it; let's get married."
Those words kept repeating in his mind. Let's get married.
His eyes met hers and held them steady. He watched as a smile crossed her face, one that was almost glad she caught him by surprise, but one that also said she meant every word.
How she meant every word, he didn't know. He thought he had royally fucked up the night before in even bringing up their old promise. The shock that crossed her face when he had asked her about it was one of the scariest things he had ever encountered. He had just gotten her back in his life and he had already scared her off. So, when at the end of the night she shocked him in her confession, he was relieved, but almost positive she was joking.
She had to be joking.
It had been over 20 years since they had even talked to each other; so how could anyone say that they would marry someone when there had been limited communication? How could you marry someone who felt like a close friend but in reality was a stranger?
Yet, it all made sense. It's why he made the promise in the first place.
Sure, it started off as a thing that 5 year olds thought was cute, but as Killian grew up, he knew it made some sense. Why not marry your best friend? Why not marry someone who has known you for years? Better than many of the alternatives.
"Hey," she began, pulling him from his inner monologue.
He had kept her gaze the whole time, but he realized how out of it he must have seemed.
"Don't think too hard, it's you and me, just following through with a promise," she added.
Her hand was still grasped in his. Her thumbs were still drawing designs on the back of his hand. Her shoulders were still touching his, causing his breathing to increase.
Even after their long hug the night before, he still felt a rush when he was in contact with her.
It was how he knew his feelings for her were more than just his childhood crush. It was how he knew that the emotions he felt whenever he looked at her, whenever he thought about her, whenever he stole a glance at her profile were the real thing. He knew that he would never feel that way with any other person, no matter how hard he had tried or wished it in his past.
She was right though, like always. It was just them. Emma and Killian. Their moms always said they were destined to be together. It didn't matter the time that had passed. Their history didn't matter. What did matter was the connection they always shared.
"Emma," he tried to begin, but was abruptly cut off.
Emma's lips crashed against his in a move he didn't quite expect. She had shocked him with her proposal, but the kiss that she was initiating stunned him to his core.
Her lips were soft, yet demanding.
His whole system submitted to her. He pulled his hands from her and brought them to her face. His thumbs dragging against her cheeks as his fingers went to her hair. He used them to pull her closer to him, taking over the kiss.
He demanded her mouth open with a push of his tongue and heard a soft moan escape her. She pulled herself closer still, her hands going to wrap around his waist.
He had never kissed someone with such passion before, not even Milah. The raw emotions passing between them, the tension that could be cut with a knife, was fuel that kept their kiss going. There was no slowing down; or at least he didn't want them to slow down. He wanted to keep kissing her. In fact, he never wanted to stop kissing her.
The way her lips moved against his, the way she sucked on his lips, the way her arms wrapped around him; it was all so much. He could feel the desire she had.
The intoxication of the kiss had his hidden resolve melting away. He wasn't about to say yes, let's get married tomorrow, but he wouldn't say no to it if their kiss lasted much longer. His resolve would definitely be waived if she continued to push herself against him in a way that told him just how much she needed him.
"What do you say, Killian," she asked as she pulled back from him slowly, not wanting to break the kiss. Her cheeks were flushed with the prettiest color he had ever seen. He never wanted to see her without that color in her cheeks again - so much so he almost pulled her right back to him to kiss her senseless again.
"Emma, while I would dream of nothing more, I think we should talk this through," he finally choked out, hating himself with each word out of his mouth.
He could see her deflate the instant the words left his mouth. She was upset that he didn't take her up on the proposal right away.
"Love," he began, as he reached his hand to cup her chin and bring it back to his face. "I'm not going to lie to you, hearing you say that has been something I had one day hoped to hear, but I think we are rushing things just a bit."
Her eyes started to fill with tears, she clearly didn't expect him to deny her. And while he hated to disappoint her again, he had to make sure that what they were doing was right.
"Emma, please, don't be upset, I just don't want either one of us to get hurt from making hastily decisions, especially when our emotions are all over the place. I wouldn't know what to do if we ever took a step in the wrong direction and ruined our friendship," he began, hoping that she would listen and really understand his words.
Her friendship meant more to him than life itself. Yes, most of their friendship had been spent in silence, thousands of miles apart; but she was his lifeline. Just knowing that she was out there somewhere kept him going when things got rough. He knew it was crazy to think that, but that is what she was. She was his heaven.
"I need you to understand, love, that I cannot lose my best friend right after I just got her back," he continued, leaning down to press a kiss against her forehead. His resolve was lessening with every sad look from those emerald eyes. He had always hated saying no to her.
Even when they were little, Emma always got her way with him, no matter what situation they were in. She had a way of wrapping Killian around her little finger. He even remembers letting her dress him up in a dress and makeup when he would have rather been outside playing pirates. She made her sad little puppy dog face, told him that she really wanted to play dress up, and he caved. So they spent the afternoon playing salon, Emma creating so many outfits for him. It was probably the reason that he sometimes still wore eyeliner when going out - Emma said it made his eyes pop. He was pretty sure four-year-old Emma had no idea what that meant as she accidentally stabbed his eyes a few times, but he was also pretty sure she was right.
"When I found out that I was coming back to Storybrooke, and when I knew that you were still around, I knew I had to make things right between us; and yes, I did hope that something would happen between us - as I was pretty sure what I felt for you was real - I just don't want to fuck anything up. I can't lose you, love," he whispered into the hair on her head that was now sitting against his chest.
He wondered if she could hear his heartbeat and hoped that she could hear the feelings he carried for her. He hoped that the beating of his heart would tell her that he couldn't survive if their friendship was ruined.
"You won't fuck anything up," she countered softly, not looking up into his eyes.
Maybe it was because she was scared of the same thing. Maybe her emotions were playing with her the same way his were toying with him. Part of him was wanting to jump off the cliff, not caring if there were rocks at the bottom or a deep open ocean; yet there was another part of him telling him to take his time, stick one toe in first, feel the water, make sure to protect his heart.
She had to be feeling the same way he did. The worry and anxiety he felt must have also been pacing through her system.
"I've never had another friend like you love, never felt this connection with anyone else. You've had a wonderful life, made some amazing friends who will be there for life; but I've only had you. Even though you weren't physically there, I always knew I had you. I don't want us to lose what we've just gotten back. I would be utterly devastated if I lost you. Please understand," he concluded, hoping that she saw where he was coming from.
"I get it, but I don't agree with it. Our friendship lasted through our past, it can weather any storm. I know it can." Her words carried weight he hadn't heard from her before. It was as if she was willing the words to truth.
"I really hope you're right, Swan, because even though it's crazy, even though I'm sure everyone will think we are insane, I want to do this, too. My life wasn't the greatest for a long time, but there was always something keeping me going, one thing that I want to keep forever," he said, pulling himself back so he can look in her eyes.
"And what was that?" She asked, like she already knew the answer to her questions.
"You, love; or well, the dream of you," he explained.
He leaned down to press a chaste kiss against her soft lips. The scent of her almost kept him there.
"If we are going to do this love, we need to set some ground rules. Make sure that we do everything possible to make sure our friendship stays intact," he offered.
He shuddered to think what would happen if they rushed into a relationship, into anything really, and lost a friendship that kept him going for so many years. She really was his best friend. Who else would forgive him for all his stupidity over the years at a drop of the hat? Who else would completely understand what he had been through and not hold it against him? He knew that his judgement in the past, his behaviors, weren't all his fault - part of it was due to him having no one to really guide him in life - but he was still thankful towards Emma for forgiving him.
Rules would help them navigate what was to come; because if he was being a thousand percent honest with himself, he wanted to marry Emma so badly - to finally be tied to the person who had not only held him up without even being around, but someone who could forgive almost any transgression and see the good in him.
The physical attraction between them helped.
"Rules," she agreed, smiling up at him. It was a smile that he would never forget. She was like a kid on Christmas morning, who just got the best present from Santa.
"First, before we jump the gun and actually get married - we live together first. 30 days, living like a married couple. Second, if at anytime either one of us feels like our friendship is deteriorating, we stop. What do you say?" He asks, a bit apprehensive.
"We live together, acting like any other married couple would. We put our friendship first, no matter what, the friendship is most important," she concurred.
"Are we really doing this?" He couldn't believe they were actually going to do this.
It was a huge surprise to him that Emma would forgive him so quickly for his past issues; that she would put aside all those emotions she felt after he abandoned her, and just forgive him. It was even a bigger surprise to have her feel any attraction towards him. The kiss they shared earlier really threw him for a loop, sending shockwaves through his system. But the surprise of her saying she wanted to marry him wasn't something he ever thought he would hear.
He couldn't believe that his childhood dream was going to become a reality. When he was younger, when they would both play in the backyard, Liam would tease them both that one day they would get married. Not once did Killian ever say ewww or tease Emma about it. Instead, he would grab her hand and just smile brightly. Over time, those feelings for her only grew stronger. His heart soared just thinking that she would even be willing to go on a date with him, so to hear her say that she was willing to do this - well, it was the best feeling in the world.
The disbelief over what they were going to do was a dominant feeling; he was excited, too. He was going to get the opportunity to hold her in his arms as he drifted off to sleep. He was going to get to wake up every morning next to her, seeing the soft look on her face as she slept. He was lovestruck.
"What is it?" Emma inquired, noting his tone and posture. Since she had agreed to the rules, his body wasn't relaxed, even with Emma in his arms. It was as if fear was slowly taking over.
"I've just rushed into things before and it didn't turn out so well," he confessed, thinking back to a time in his life where he thought he had everything together, only to have life play a trick on him and yank everything away from him once again.
They sat in silence for a moment, his worry almost fully overtaking him.
"We aren't your past; you aren't your past. You have to learn to let go of that. I don't blame you for what happened when we were kids, and you shouldn't blame yourself either. You shouldn't blame yourself for whatever else happened. Just know that what matters now is the future, us," she took his hands back in hers, giving them a squeeze.
"Thank you, love," he smiled down at her.
"So, when you moving in?" she asked, changing subjects bringing an even bigger grin to his face.
They had spent the rest of their date just sitting in each other's arms, discussing what the upcoming month would look like; getting used to the idea of living together and what the end of the thirty days really meant.
Rules were added over time, too. Killian had asked about Henry and what Emma was going to tell him.
"I don't want him to know what is really going on," she confessed, looking down on herself at the thought of lying to her son, but Killian understood her trepidation.
"So what do you want to tell him?"
"I hate lying to him, I always told him I would be honest with him; but I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him we are trying out marriage before we actually get married. Especially since he has never met you," she was rambling on.
"You tell him whatever you think he should know. I know you said you would never lie to him, but sometimes it's what a parent has to do; do you think your parents never lied to you? Do you think my ma never lied to me? Of course they did; doesn't mean they loved us any less, doesn't mean they didn't have our best interest in mind. I'll support you no matter what you choose, love, but I will say I cannot wait to meet him," he smiled as he rubbed small circles on the small of Emma's back.
He had thought having his fingers in her hair would be his new favorite place, but he found having his hands on her back was his favorite place to be. It allowed him to still look the the stellar eyes he now knew he could never say no to, yet allowed him the ability to make sure she didn't get too far from his loving embrace.
She smiled at his recommendation.
"Well, he is at his friend's house until tomorrow night; but I'll cook a dinner and we can do something nice," she said.
"And what are you going to tell him?"
"I'll figure it out later." She was still hesitant and Killian decided to drop it.
He trusted her.
"What the hell do you mean you are moving in with Emma Swan," he heard his brother bellow from the entrance way of his home as Killian walked around his bedroom trying to get everything packed away in order to move into Emma's that night.
He had sadly pried himself away from Emma after their wonderful and lazy afternoon. She was headed to her place to move some items around, preparing her cozy little cottage for him, while he went home to pack the necessities.
There wasn't much for him to pack. He didn't have many things, but most of the items he did bring with him to Liam's would stay there for a bit. Emma's house had everything he needed - most important of those things was Emma.
He turned to see Liam standing in the doorway to the guest bedroom; fury dancing across his features. He hadn't seen his brother this angry in a while; but behind the anger, he could see confusion was really the biggest issue Liam had.
On his way back to Liam's he texted him, letting him know of his plans, hoping that his brother wouldn't be home to give him a taste of his mind.
Liam wasn't going to be happy with Killian's decision; Killian already knew that when he had given into Emma's request. While Liam wanted to push the two together, while he wanted Killian to finally get the girl; Killian knew his brother, he knew Liam would be thinking he was moving way to fast. Liam was going to be Killian's inner fears in real life. He could push off the doubts that swelled in his mind easy enough - especially when he looked in those emerald eyes. But he couldn't debate away Liam the way he could with his brain.
"Good evening to you, too, brother," he quipped.
"Fuck your good evenings; what the fuck is going on, little brother?" Liam demanded.
"I'm moving in with Emma," he responded, with a hint of sarcasm on his tongue.
"No you aren't. You're staying right here; take your shit back out of that bag," even though Liam was yelling at him, he hadn't moved from his spot in the doorway. That at least was a good thing. Killian had learned if Liam stood still, even if he was yelling, it meant he wasn't really pissed; Killian would be able to explain himself and Liam would probably let him do it.
He didn't respond back to his brother. There was no need. Liam wouldn't fully understand why Killian was taking this risk. He couldn't understand.
While Liam had sacrificed a lot for Killian, for their lives, he still had it pretty easy in the love department. He had contacted his old crush pretty quickly once the internet had allowed him to. Liam had stayed in touch with Cecelia throughout the years.
Cecelia had been Liam's dream, but with him being so far away, they dated others. His now sister-in-law was even married before Liam. They ended up together eventually - but it still wasn't anything compared to the hell Killian went through with Emma.
"Fine," Liam huffed, knowing he had reached some sort of stalemate with his brother. "Why are you moving in with her?"
Liam sat down on the twin bed, wringing his hands as he waited for Killian to give him an answer he would deem worthy.
"She asked," he said, simple as that.
"So, if she asked you to jump off a bridge, you would?" Liam barked, just like any parent would do if their kid had gotten mixed in with the wrong crowd.
Killian shot him a look that he knew Liam would understand. Killian wasn't a child, not anymore. He didn't make rash decisions and no one could ever force him to do anything; even though if Emma did tell him to jump, he may just listen.
"Alright, fine," Liam conceded, already knowing what Killian would say if he was given the chance. "Why does she want you to move in with her?"
Killian took a moment to compose himself. He hated lying to Liam.
Emma had suggested that they keep the true nature of the move secret from everyone. It would make things easier with Henry; plus it would allow them the opportunity to really see if they could make it, without the influence of her friends. She claimed they meddled a bit too much.
He had smiled at her suggestion, mostly because Liam had been known to do the same thing her friends. He thought Liam and Mary Margaret would get along pretty well.
"She claims it is so we can make up for lost time, and she had a point. We've been separated for so long, and this will give us a time to get to know each other again. Plus, she is closer to the base. Not to mention a king sized bed in the guest room," he jested.
While he was thankful for Liam's hospitality, the twin bed was getting kinda cramped.
"Whatever you say," his brother replied, rolling his eyes.
"She has a good point. One of the main reasons I wanted to come back to Storybrooke was to fix our relationship - to get my best friend back. I don't see a better way to mend our friendship. By me moving in, we will get to learn about all the things one learns about when they grow up together. Also, I'm not gonna say no to her - not after everything I put her through," he added.
"Killian…" Liam began but he already knew where his brother was headed.
"I know, I'm not responsible for what happened in our past. And just like she told me, what you've told me also, I can't keep blaming myself for the way I handled mom's death and dad's leaving. I was young and didn't know better. But, it's the least I can do to show her just how much I missed her, just how much I care," he acknowledged.
Liam had been trying for years to get Killian to stop wallowing in self-pity and hatred and just accept that life dealt him a shit hand. It was hard and he was still struggling. Mostly because he knew so much better now, it frustrated him to no end.
"And how much do you care about her?" Liam asked, goading him.
For the past few years, Liam had been trying to get Killian to say those three words about Emma, yet Killian never budged. He knew it was even crazier than moving in with her, than saying he would marry her. He couldn't say he loved her when their lives had been so screwed up.
"Enough to do this for her," he replied.
"Fine, you know I'll support you, even if I think this is a bit crazy. Just promise me you'll take things slow with her," he pleaded, giving Killian a knowing look.
"Aye, you know I'll always be a gentleman," Killian offered.
"I meant it, Killian," he warned.
"Ok, you know I am not a child anymore; right, Liam?" he questioned back, trying to not let the words come out as harsh as he thought them.
"I know, but when you behave like one, it's hard not to treat you like one," he countered. "I'm just worried about you, alright? I know Emma is Emma and she is important to you; just make sure you think things through."
With that, Liam patted his younger brother on the shoulder and took his leave.
Killian knew what the tone in his voice meant. He knew exactly why his brother was worried about him. It wasn't the first time Killian had rushed into things with a woman who he believed he loved and loved him back.
Picking up the last of his items and setting them down in the seabag, he pulled out the box of letters. Shuffling through them, he found the one he wanted, the one that would hopefully help him.
Dear Emma,
I want to tell you something, but I am worried about how you may react. I don't want to upset you and I don't want you to be disappointed in me either - but I met someone.
Her name is Milah and she works with Liam down at the construction yard.
Emma, I haven't felt this way about anyone, save you.
I never thought I would find someone who makes my heart skip a beat when I am with them. I never thought the sun and moon would rise and set with someone. But with Milah, I feel all those things.
We met a couple of months ago, when Liam first started working there. I thought it was ridiculous for me to tag along, but Liam insisted I come with him to meet everyone at the yard. I guess he wanted to make sure that people knew me and knew our situation. The first person I met was Milah.
She has long flowing brunette hair and blue eyes that sucked me right in.
Now I know you'll say I'm out of my mind for even thinking about her like that, she's 27, Liam's age, and I'm only seventeen. But Emma, the attraction between us was instant.
In that moment, I was hooked.
I just can't believe I found someone that makes me feel so good. I was pretty sure my life was going to turn out like shit. I mean, I have no mother, a father who walked out on his kids when their mom got sick, and a brother who had to drop his whole life to take care of his little brother. I didn't deserve anything from life - yet here I am, completely in love.
I wonder if other boys thinks about their lives like this? Do they sit there and daydream about a future - a real future, not just sex - with a woman they are completely enamored with? Do they think about all the things they want to do with that person - from traveling the world to giving them a good, long, joyful life? Because that is what I think about when I think about Milah. I want to give her a wonderful life, one way beyond Ireland and the shit hole I've grown up in. I want to give her the world.
Milah has changed me, Emma, she is making me a better man. For the longest time, I've been depressed - thinking that I don't deserve a life like this. But Milah is making me see that I do deserve more in life - I deserve to be happy, to be loved, to finally be ok.
At first, I kept trying to get her attention. I found myself going with Liam every weekend to the yard, sitting in the reception trailer and hoping that she would talk to me. When she finally did, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It took a couple of weeks, but she finally asked me to go to dinner with her. I couldn't believe that this gorgeous woman had asked me on a date, me, a scraggly kid who had nothing going for him. She's taken a chance on me.
We've been dating for a month now and I cannot believe the love she is giving me.
But Liam doesn't know, and I am not quite sure how to tell him. I know he would freak out - she is 27 and I'm 17 - plus she has been married before. He would say I'm way too young to be dating her, he would say I'm crazy to think I'm in love with her. Overall, he would just say I'm crazy! But I know I'm not. It's not crazy to feel this way.
All I know is that I like the way I feel when I'm with her. I finally feel alive. I finally feel that I can be happy. I don't want to give that up, and that is what I'm scared Liam will do if he finds out. He will make us break up and try to parent me too much.
I really want her to meet you, to meet the person who kept me on track and who supported me. But she would, I'm sure, think that this is crazy. Crazy that I'm writing letters to a girl from my childhood whom i haven't spoken to in years; yet someone I still consider my best friend. Crazy that I want you to approve and like Milah.
However, I don't think that I could do that to you, introduce you to Milah - because I just want my life to be like yours. Not gonna lie, Swan, but I've been stalking your MySpace for a while. I'm jealous of your life. You're always smiling. Your pictures are what keep me going sometimes - seeing you so happy, looking as if my absence hasn't scared you; which is all I ever wanted. I don't want how we left things—how I just stopped sending these letters—to ruin your life. I'm sure that it wouldn't, I mean these are just stupid letters; but seeing you so happy, having the time of your life, makes me feel like maybe I did something right. Maybe, not having you read these letters, by keeping them to myself, I have allowed you to have the life you deserve.
That is another reason I wouldn't want to introduce you to Milah. If I came back into your life, I am pretty sure I would just fuck it all up. I would ruin everything you have built, plus ruin everything I have built. The universe has been kind in allowing me a life with Milah after everything I went through and did, but I doubt it would allow me to reconnect with you and pick things right back up where we stopped.
I know what you're going to say - Killian, you don't have to think like that, this wasn't your fault, you deserve to be happy - everything that would take away the hurt and remorse I feel over everything that happened in our childhoods.
Man, I sure got off topic here, love. It seems to happen each time I write to you. No matter what, my short letters I want to write to you always turn into long letters that ramble on and on. It seems even with thousands of miles away, I can't help but tell you everything.
But, I'm going to stop now. I have a big date with Milah tonight and I need to get ready. Talk to you soon.
Love,
Killian