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Sam was surprised to find out Dean was in California. He figured the arguments would have kept Dean as far away as possible. The truth was Dean wanted to leave California and make himself move on but couldn't. He'd only left for hunts but he always made sure he was in Californa between jobs. John had gone along with it to appease him. Sam may have left but Dean still wanted to be there in case Sam ever needed him.

"I'm on my way" click Dean hung up instantly throwing his flip phone across the room. "Fuck Fuck FUCK GODDAMNIT!" Dean screamed. How fucking stupid can I be? Why would I fucking tell him where I am? Sammy absolutely cannot see me like this!

"Pull yourself together dammit," Dean ordered himself. Dean was an absolute mess. He'd practically been left shattered into a million pieces after Sam left and into about a million more when John failed to show.

"I'm the big brother, the responsible one. I take care of Sammy put his wants and needs above my own. I put myself in danger to keep Sammy safe. That is my job. I've failed again. I can't...I can't!" Dean paced around the small space between the two motel beds.

"Ruining his life with my own selfish need of companionship," Dean muttered.

"What the fuck is wrong with me!"

_

"I'm on my way" was the last thing, Sam had the chance to say before the line went dead. Maybe Dean thought if he hung up Sam wouldn't come to see him. Maybe the phone just went dead. Maybe the connection just failed. Sam couldn't know for sure but he had decided he was going to see Dean regardless of the reason for the abrupt ending to their conversation.

Sam had dropped everything to come to see his brother. Sam was skipping out on several classes and even a date with a girl he liked named Jessica. None of this mattered if Dean needed help. Sam's only concern was his big brother. Is this how Deans felt his entire life? Sam thought as he prepared to leave.

Sam left as soon as possible wanting to get to Dean before he had the chance to do anything stupid.

_

Dean's already weak frame grew tired of the pacing. When Dean finally stopped he practically collapsed into his bed from exhaustion. Get up and shower be presentable nothing is wrong. Sammy doesn't have to know how far you've fallen. Shouldn't have to come back and put you back together. Dean thought to himself. He tried. He really did try to get up and shower but his limbs were not obeying the orders he was practically demanding them to do.

"Get up Dean!" He yelled in frustration. "Get the fuck up before Sam comes in and finds you looking like the weak piece of shit you are!" Dean tried so hard eventually begging himself not to fall asleep to just get up and do what he thought would be necessary before Sam arrived...if Sam arrived. Dean had "slept" only a few hours a week. The only times he'd managed to sleep was when he was blackout drunk or when his body absolutely had enough of his abuse and essentially shut off. It wasn't long before the mental and physical exhaustion took over and Dean fell into a familiar restless sleep.

-

It had been two hours since Sam had last spoken to Dean and about an hour and forty-five minutes since he'd left campus. He would have left sooner but he knew it was best to at least let someone know he was going to be gone for a little while.

As Sam drove his friend's car he'd "borrowed" for the trip he found himself wondering if he should give Dean a call.

Sam wanted to be sure he was okay but he knew Dean wouldn't take kindly to be fussed over nor being worried about.

Fuck it he's my brother. Sam thought as he flipped his phone open and dialed Dean's number.

_

Dean's phone startled him away. He propelled himself up quickly into a sitting position prepared to fight. Oh goddamnit. Dean thought as he realized Sammy was calling. Dean carefully got to his feet and retrieved the phone he'd previously thrown. "Hello?" Dean said as he began cleaning up.

"Dean, I'm not far now," Sam said as he continued to drive down the road.

"Yeah, yeah Sammy are you sure you want to see me? I mean you don't have to. I know you have your hands full with school and all." Dean began to mutter "And with how we left it a couple months ago..." Dean stopped picking up the pieces of the whiskey bottle and held his breath. I want to see my brother more than anything.

"Dean, I don't care about how we left things alright? It doesn't matter. Believe it or not, I have missed you. Plus we both know we need to talk about the phone call from last night."

Dean cleared his throat "Yeah about that...It uh wasn't like it sounded" Dean lied. "I was just a little fucked up"

"We can talk about it when I get there." This time Sam hung up. Sam didn't know what to do. His brother obviously wasn't going to be an easy fix if he was already too stubborn to admit what happened.

_

Dean spent the next twenty or so minutes trying to clean up the place. This wasn't an easy task. He had been living in a small motel room for over two weeks now. Dean wasn't much for cleaning on a normal day but with the way, he'd been feeling lately he absolutely had no motivation. Once the room was mostly picked up and the smell of absolute filth was nothing but a faint afterthought Dean found it to be presentable enough.

Right when Dean emerged, fresh-faced and in semi-clean clothes, from the bathroom, he heard a knock at the motel door. Gotta see Sammy. Dean scrambled to the door knocking over a dining chair on the way.

Dean swings the door open. "Sammy!" He pulling Sam into a hug.

Sam gives Dean a tight hug as if he's holding on for his life. Dean hugs Sam just as tightly.

It's Dean who pulls away first.

"You look great man. You definitely need a haircut but other than that."

Sam gives a light chuckle and swallows thickly taking in the sight of his brother.

He looks rough.

Sam gives Dean a half-hearted smile.

"Good to see you, Dean."

I'm sorry I know this chapter sucks big time. I don't know how it went so south. I'll try and pick it back up in chapter three.