Flashback in Regan's POV Continued: Warning! This chapter deals with some of the embarrassing side effects of cancer treatments – mentions sex – can be a bit heavy emotionally

Dan didn't make a sound or even move for a few long minutes, but when he did finally stir, he wandered even further away from where is uncle was seated on the couch. He stepped to the room's only window and leaned his head against it, wearily gazing out into the coming darkness.

"You know I'm not afraid to die." Dan said softly. "Everyone thinks a parent's greatest duty is to teach a child how to live, but really, that's not it. It's a natural part of life for our parents to teach us how to die. Mom did a good job of that for me. Seriously, Uncle Bill, death isn't what bothers me the most. Death is the easy part."

There was a long pause in Dan's speech, making Regan anxious. He fought the need to say something and waited with tightened breath for his nephew to continue.

"And, even though I know chemotherapy is going to be torture, I don't think I'm even really scared of that. You know I can cope with pain." He turned glistening eyes to Regan and gave him a knowing smile. "I guess we've both been beaten down physically, a time or two. Makes you numb on the outside, huh?"

Bill felt a lump rising in his throat. Even growing up in the orphanage, he knew he hadn't experienced anything like the physical abuse Dan had endured when his parents had died and left him alone in the city. He felt his own defenses weakening.

Stay strong. Don't crack. He needs you to listen.

Regan forced himself to not turn his eyes from Dan's.

"After talking to those doctors today," The teen continued, "I'm a little more afraid of living with the consequences of this cancer than I am of dying from it. I mean…I always thought…if Mom could have just held on…if she could have lived…but what kind of life would she have had? By the end, her body was so…"

Dan stopped. The memories were too much for him. His shoulders shook as he gave in and wept against the window.

Regan choked down his own sob and fought with himself about what to do next.

Go to him! His mind screamed. Hug him!

Touch was not something Regan sought or initiated with anyone. It wasn't something Dan accepted easily, either.

But, nothing felt more right to either of them when Bill finally threw his insecurities to the four winds, swiftly closed the distance between them, and grabbed Dan to his chest.

The walls between and around them crumbled instantly.

Dinner was forgotten. They stood together for a short time, crying in a brotherly embrace at the memory of the woman they had both loved. When they could stand alone, Regan held his nephew at arm's length, gently by the shoulders, and forced himself to speak.

"What are you so worried about having to live with, Danny? Hair grows back, bed sores heal, what is it? What's so embarrassing?" He didn't want to talk about the boy's memories of the last years of his sister's life, so he skipped over that hurt and shot straight to what seemed to be grieving Dan the most, right now. "Time would make it all better, I'm sure. What did they say today to get you so upset?"

With a bit of hesitation, Dan pulled away and shifted nervously from foot to foot.

"This is so…stupid, I know."

"Dan, there are people out there who have a clinical fear of fruitcake," Regan said with a teary laugh. "You're concerns are warranted, I grant you."

"They said…I…they said…never mind." Dan suddenly looked like he was going to bolt out of the apartment, but before the teen could get to the door, Regan had caught up with him and grabbed him by the arm.

"Hey, don't go. You can tell me. You know you can tell me anything. Trust me."

"Don't…just…don't." The boy wrenched his arm free. He was panting and blushing feverishly at the thought of whatever it was he couldn't say.

Regan felt a sickness in his stomach. What is this? What could be worse than the fear of death?

"I'm not feeling hungry anymore, Uncle Bill. I…I gotta go. We…we can talk about this later."

Regan thought about how Dan had responded when he mentioned Hallie, and an idea suddenly flew into his mind and out of his mouth before he could stop it.

"Are you afraid Hallie won't want to be with you anymore when all of this is said and done?"

Dan stopped, still standing with his back to his uncle. He didn't move or speak.

Bill figured he was on the right track.

"Dan, Hallie's not like that. She won't care about a little baldness or…"

"Or changing my adult diapers?" Dan interrupted, spinning around angrily to face Regan. "Or taking me for dialysis because I'll have renal failure? Or how about having to adopt a stranger's child, because I'm not only going to be sterile, but most likely impotent now, as well. Sure, she won't mind! She's a saint like that! Her hopes for the future won't matter one bit, as long as I'm alive and we're together, right?" His voice has been growing louder and more agitated with each phrase, and when he finally made his last point, Dan was clenching his fists and gasping for breath. His eyes searched Regan's face desperately.

"Dan…" Regan began.

"Don't…just…" Dan held up his hand and shook his head in despair. "Just… don't say it's going to be alright. Because it isn't! Nothing could be worse for a guy than this. I'm sorry. I know it's stupid. But…it…it makes me…"

"It makes you want to hit something, right?" Bill picked up a throw pillow from the couch and held it up in front of his chest as a target.

"Throwing things is better." Dan sputtered; he seemed taken back at Bill's tactic to calm him.

"Then…um...let's eat this spaghetti I cooked and then we can… throw a few rounds of horseshoes beside the barn."

The two men stared at one another in silence for a minute, trying to process the crazy moment that had just erupted and ended as quickly.

"Uncle Bill, I appreciate what you're trying to do, really, but…I'm just…I need to go."

Regan moved swiftly to put himself between Dan and the door.

"You realize all those things they told you about today were just worst case scenarios, right? I mean, not all of those things are necessarily going to happen to you. The odds of you being completely…"

"Are about as likely as the odds of two people in the same family having the same type of cancer, huh? Or the odds of a guy like me needing double doses of everything because I'm lucky enough to have two lumps for the price of one?"

Regan felt like someone had knocked the wind out of him. He knew Dan had a mass in the lymph node of his left groin area, but he had not been told of a second one.

"What are you talking about, Danny?" He asked quietly.

"They found another lump today. This one's on the right side." The boy drug himself to the couch, sat down heavily, and covered his face with his hands. "I'm going to need enough radiation to my pelvis to make it glow in the dark. It'll probably be visible from space." The sarcasm didn't help the tension any.

"Dan…I'm…I'm sorry." Regan said, not know how to respond.

How horrible! No wonder he's angry and embarrassed.

"Yeah, me, too." His words were barely audible beneath his fingers.

Bill thought of stories he had read about breast cancer survivors and their personal battles with losing breasts to the disease. How even when no one could tell from the outside, many of those women would still have a hard time dealing with the reality on the inside. It was a violation to what they understood about themselves as women; as being feminine.

He knew what his nephew was now facing was an attack on his masculinity, as well as to the security of his relationship with Hallie.

No guy should have to face this. Oh God, why is this happening to him? Why not someone like me? I've never even thought about wanting kids.

Regan knew Dan loved children and had been planning a future with Hallie. In his mind, this just didn't seem fair to either of them.

"Dr. Reinholt has given me some contacts for a local…um…sperm bank." Dan said quietly, shaking Bill from his thoughts. "I wonder if I should even bother with all that. I mean, how could I expect Hallie, or anyone else, to ever…"

Regan saw this as a ray of hope.

"Oh come on. Stop that. You know the right girl wouldn't care if that was how it had to be. As long it was yours. So, you have to…er…save some…stuff… for later…so to speak. Big deal. Hallie wouldn't care, Dan."

"Well, I do! And how…how in the hell am I supposed to explain all of this to her? It's kind of… not your typical date conversation…you know…contrary to popular belief, and the fact that everyone always gives me that look when they find out I was once in jail, I'm not Sleepyside's red hot lover, okay. I've never even once had a deep conversation about sex, much less done it! I wouldn't…I wouldn't even know how to begin telling her about any of this…"

Bill was completely shocked at Dan's candid confessions. True, there had been many rumors around town involving the street-smart kid having more than one affair with local girls, which Regan had never really put much stock in, but finding out that Dan hadn't ever gotten that far with anyone seemed strange to him. Like everyone else, he'd always just assumed.

The broad shouldered man sat down on the opposite end of the couch from his nephew and tried to think of the best answer for Dan's dilemma. As uncomfortable as it might be, he knew he had to tell his girlfriend what was going on.

"You just sit her down and tell her. She'll be there for you. Come on. You know Hallie. She'll probably laugh at you and tell you to make your 'deposit' in the bank and stop worrying about everything so much."

"That does sound like something she would say." Dan chuckled and smiled momentarily.

Then, his face grew somber once again.

"But that only solves the uh…problem with…shooting blanks. What girl wants to marry a cowboy who's… gun… doesn't even fire at all?"

Bill didn't know what to say to that.

"We'll worry about that problem when you come to it, okay? There are no guarantees with this, you know."

"Yeah. No guarantees." Dan hung his head and stared at the floor dejectedly.

Looking at the wilted posture of his nephew, Regan felt an immediate sense of panic rise in him.

"Don't you dare use this as an excuse to give up, you hear me?" His words came out far more gruffly than he had intended, and it made Dan jerk his head up to stare questioningly into Regan's green eyes.

"You have everything to live for." Regan reached out and gripped Dan gently on the shoulder. He had to make him understand how much he needed him. How important it was that he live.

"There are so many people who love you, who need you. Love is the ultimate answer, Danny. It's enough for everything. No matter what you're gonna face, I promise you, our love will see you through it. We're all pulling for you. Don't you give up." He was suddenly so overcome with emotion, he choked on his next words. "Promise me…you…won't…just…give up. Please. I can't…lose you…too."

After what felt like an eternity to Regan, Dan reached over and gave him a quick poke in the ribs.

"Okay.

I'll fight to win.

I promise."

Hope you are beginning to understand a little bit about how Daniel came to be. More embarrassing moments in Regan's memories coming up….