It's time to have a talk
It was just going on 9.30 at night when Patrick returned home after having been called out to a little girl with a high fever. He noticed with surprise to find his house dark upon his return. Patrick had expected Shelagh to be waiting for him. Since she had taken up midwifery with Nonnatus House, nights like this occasionally reminded him of the time after Marianne's death. Back then he had loathed returning home to a dark and quiet flat. Even though he knew that tonight, his second wife would be sleeping next to him, he still felt neglected and lonely.
Patrick missed their evenings together after the children were asleep. They would have one last cup of tea or Nescafé, go through the evening post or just tell each other about their day, their work, some anecdotes about children or patients. Sometimes, the would just sit next to each other on the settee, holding hands, leaning in to each other, calming down after a long and exhausting day. Very rarely, they would still put on a record and dance, though this only happened once every few months, usually, at least one of them was too tired or simply not in the mood.
When had been their last quiet evening together, Patrick wondered. Nowadays, Shelagh was either out at work or already in bed because she was tired. At first, he had thought her tiredness came from working and being all over the place with the household and children, but recently he had noticed that she had doubled her dose of Valium. Tiredness was one of the side-effects. She said she needed the medication to take her through her days, make her relax, since she was hardly able to take a break in between work, picking up Angela, and doing what had to be done around the house.
Luckily, they had at least been able to find a new housekeeper. Susan Ward was the daughter of a distant cousin of trusted Mrs Penney and came in every morning to watch Teddy and see to the household. Shelagh would bring Angela to day-care and continue to Nonnatus House. On the days she had been on night shift, Shelagh would return for breakfast with her family, then take Angela to day-care and return home to take a rest until Susan left in the early afternoon.
While Shelagh was at work, Susan would occasionally stay on to watch Teddy. Sometimes, their neighbour, Maureen, would take the boy until either Patrick or Shelagh came home from work. And occasionally, even Timothy had to pick up his brother. Shelagh and Patrick had agreed that they would find other ways, but for the time being would just generously top up Timothy's allowance every time he was looking after his brother.
Patrick had hung his coat and now stood in the darkness of the kitchen for a while. He tried to focus. His intention had been to prepare himself a Nescafé but then he decided otherwise. Preparing a hot beverage would take too long. A glass of water had to do.
He sighed. He needed to talk to Shelagh, he resolved. As happy as he was for her to have returned to midwifery, this was not how they had once imagined their life as husband and wife. Even when she had told him she would happily stay at home with their growing family in the weeks before their wedding, he had always expected her to eventually return to work. And he would not have wanted it otherwise, as he admired her midwifery skills and hardly could think of anyone more fit to work with Nonnatus House.
But he realized that there were limits set by the kind of life they lived. He had hoped that once the Valium had calmed Shelagh's nerves, she would have come to realize that the situation as it presented itself was not one that should and could go on unaltered. Now he realized that it had led to the contrary, to her even increasing the burden on her because the Valium clouded her judgement and constantly made her take on more than she was able to handle.
After having emptied the second glass of water, Patrick slowly walked upstairs and got ready for bed.
"Shelagh, are you still awake?" he whispered while sliding under his sheets. But she did not reply, so Patrick just listened to her deep and regular breathing for a while.
Just when he had fallen asleep, Patrick was woken up again by Teddy crying. He groaned. Must be the poor boy's teeth again bothering him, he thought. Patrick waited for Shelagh to wake up but she did not move. He carefully reached out for her and tried to shake her awake but did not succeed. Ever since she was taking these pills her sleep at night was tight as never before.
Patrick grumbled a few angry words and got up. He didn't mind being woken up, it had been his life for longer than he was able to remember. Only Teddy would not settle easily at night when his father was the one taking care of him. It would take Patrick likely half an hour or longer to carry his son around in the darkened room until he would go back to sleep. Shelagh usually managed to get their boy back to sleep within five minutes.
Patrick hurried over to the room their two younger children shared, anxious Teddy's cries might have woken up Angela. Luckily, the little girl was still sleeping tightly. He lifted Teddy out of his bed and slightly winced when he felt a pain in his back. Judging by his weight, Teddy certainly was no longer a baby. They boy would be one and a half years old soon.
The next morning, everyone was in a hurry as always. Luckily, Shelagh had the morning off and could take her time with the children. When Patrick had finished his tea and toast, he got up from the table. "I have to go. I need to go over a few treatment plans before today's surgery." He fidgeted nervously with his fingers, knowing it was neither the time nor place to bring up the issue he had been anxious to discuss with his wife for the past few weeks.
"Shelagh, before you go into work this afternoon, would you be able to come by the surgery? Perhaps have lunch together? There are a few things I need to discuss with you, and it seems we never get to spend an evening together all alone these days," he said, trying to sound cheerful.
Shelagh looked at him in surprise: "Anything the matter, Patrick? What is it you need to discuss so urgently?"
"Well, it is just that I feel we haven't had any time by ourselves in a while and I would like to have a few words with you in private," Patrick said, trying to sound as casual as he could.
Shelagh smiled a puzzled smile at him while getting up from the table and beginning to clear up. He approached her, kissed her good bye on the cheek and said: "Well then, I am going to see you later today, then."
Then he kissed both of his younger children on their heads and nodded towards Timothy who came jumping down the last steps of the stairs, grabbed his packed lunch which Shelagh had placed on the table just seconds earlier, and ran out of the kitchen.
"Wonder what he has been up to last night?" Patrick asked.
Shelagh smiled. "I noticed him taking a few books out of his bag that didn't look like school books. I knew better than to ask him, though."
Patrick frowned, shrugged his shoulders and said: "As long as it doesn't interfere with his performance at school, he will be alright."
"You are running late, Patrick," Shelagh said and Patrick sighed. Was it perhaps him getting older that these things seemed to stress him more and more? Or was it really that the whole situation with both of them working all the time was taking its toll on everyone?
A few hours later, Shelagh walked into the surgery, much to Stella's surprise. "Mrs Turner, I wasn't expecting you. Please go through, your husband just started his lunch break."
Shelagh smiled at the receptionist. "Thank you, Mrs. Gillespie. I hear you are doing very well? My husband is full of praise for you. I am glad you are such a valuable addition to our place. I have been working for quite some time with my husband so I know he is not always the easiest to put up with," she chuckled.
"Oh no, we do get along very well, Dr Turner and me," Stella replied, also chuckling. "I have been working with men much worse than him, also, I have been married to a man of his generation," she laughed.
Shelagh nodded at Stella and proceeded towards her husband's office.
Patrick's face lit up when she entered and he jumped up from his chair. "Shelagh, love, come in. I have been waiting for you."
Shelagh smiled: "This is lovely of you. Although I am a bit worried about what you might possibly want to discuss with me that you could not do this morning in our kitchen?"
Patrick smiled wearily. "Yes, I need to talk about a few things with just you, without any of the children present." He paused and took in his breath. "I wanted to talk about you. About us."
Shelagh's expression changed to a mixture of surprise and concern. "About us? Why, is there anything wrong, Patrick?"
"Yes and no, really, Shelagh."
"Patrick?" Shelagh asked alarmed. "What is it?"
"Well, first of all, I know you know but for the past weeks I never had an opportunity to talk to you in private. You know February 21st is coming up soon, not even a week away?"
"Why, Patrick, yes, of course I know." Shelagh smiled warmly. "Did you think I have forgotten our anniversary?"
Patrick chuckled. "No I didn't, really. But with you so very busy all the time, I wondered..."
Shelagh raised her eyebrows in anticipation.
"I wondered whether you would allow me to take you out to dinner for our fifth anniversary. Just the two of us."
Shelagh smiled. "Oh, what a lovely idea. Yes, of course I will," she said warmly and reached for her husband's left hand, raised it to her mouth and placed a light kiss on his wedding band. "I think we deserve a little time by ourselves. I think I have been neglecting you quite a bit over the past months," she added ruefully.
Patrick took his wife's hands into his before he proceeded: "There is something else I wanted to talk about with you. There is nothing wrong, it is … well, it may go wrong if we do not do anything about it." He paused and ran his hands through his hair, then took Shelagh's left hand into both of his and began stroking her wedding band with his left thumb.
"What is going wrong is that we never seem to have a minute to ourselves anymore," he began tentatively. "Since you have returned to work with Nonnatus House – and don't get me wrong, I am not telling you to stop – but since you have begun to work for them, we hardly ever see each other. You work shifts, I have my on call times, and when we are home you are either busy with the children or tired or asleep. Which I understand, but I am afraid that you are doing too much."
"So you are saying I should stop working?" Shelagh said
"No, I am not, I would never want you to. I know how much it means to you. But I am afraid of you running yourself into the ground."
"The medication you gave me is working fine. I am getting better. I am adjusting. You don't have to worry about me."
"But I do worry. And I don't think the Valium is going to help in the long term. I wanted you to calm down, to become yourself again. You being so tired all the time is a cumulative effect of you working so hard, taking care of the children and of the Valium. And I am worried because I feel that I hardly get to see my wife anymore." He paused and drew together his eyebrows. "Shelagh, just last night, you were sleeping so tightly that you didn't even hear Teddy cry. It took me almost an hour settling him. Not that I mind doing it occasionally, but I think it is your responsibility, too, to be able to be alert if something is wrong with any of the children at night."
Shelagh smiled a sad smile and cocked her head. She looked at her husband affectionately and cupped his hands with hers.
"Patrick, please. There is no reason to be worried about me. Don't you keep telling me that we'll manage as we always do? We will manage this time, too. We have adjusted and I am doing what I want to. Yes, it is hard to be back at work. And yes, on some days it is even harder to come home and have to take care of everything there after work, but it is what I want and what we agreed we would do. Last night, I was just tired. I was at a very tiring birth all day, and no one was there to take over in time as everyone else was out. You know we do have extraordinarily tiring days from time to time?"
Patrick closed his eyes for a moment before he began to speak: "Of course I know. But I am getting more and more worried seeing you becoming entangled within all your different tasks, never able to take a rest, how can I not say anything about this? And you telling me you needed to increase the dose of Valium so you can manage? How can this not be of concern to me?" His voice was calm but tense with worry.
Shelagh blinked, and Patrick knew that she was about to begin to cry. Just then, a first tear rolled down her left cheek, followed by a second one, on the right.
"Oh, Shelagh, love, come here," Patrick said assertively, leaned forward and cupped his wife's cheeks with his hands. "Please, don't cry, Shelagh. I didn't mean to hurt you. I am concerned, and I am afraid, this is why I brought all this up in the first place. Believe me, I never want to hurt you."
Shelagh took in a deep breath and suppressed a sob. Then she spoke in a teary voice: "I know you do not want to hurt me by intention, but what you just said, it did hurt. You think I won't manage when I think I do."
Patrick breathed in and shook his head. He furrowed his brow and tired to think of something encouraging to say while knowing at the same time that anything he was going to say would not do to ease the tension that had built between them.
Instead he drew Shelagh into an embrace, made a little awkward due to them still sitting on their chairs, and he noticed with relief that she leant into his embrace. She would not talk to him right now but she felt safe with his touch.
They remained in their position for a few moments until Shelagh bent backwards, wiping her face and saying: "Patrick, you should leave. You are going to be late for your rounds. I am on night shift tonight so you need to be home in time to put Angela and Teddy to bed."
Patrick suppressed a sigh. He didn't want to make his wife sad again. But this was not how they had imagined their life. Always being in a hurry and having to see to the children being put to bed. He loved his children, this was not the question, but he found it utterly distressing to be responsible for their bedtime, knowing he had to be home in time or else, he would have to ease the situation with Timothy again.
Shelagh slowly got up from her chair and got her coat from where Patrick had placed it. Patrick, too, got up and helped his wife into her coat, finishing his task with placing a quick kiss on her cheek. She turned around and smiled a sad smile at him. "We will manage, Patrick won't we?" she asked. Patrick smiled a half-smile and nodded. This time, he wasn't so sure.
He watched as Shelagh took her bag and left his office. She would go home and take a rest while Teddy was with the neighbour and before she had to pick up Angela and prepare dinner.
At least she had been happy about his dinner invitation. The Turners had never made a special day out of their wedding anniversary, they always had been so busy. During their first anniversary, Angela had still been so little that Shelagh had not wanted to leave her with a sitter. This had carried on through the years.
Only their third anniversary had been special. They had been celebrating their last night in South Africa, enjoying being without their children for the last time. Shelagh had had a glass of wine, something she hardly ever had, and they had spent a very lovely night together. Patrick smiled when he remembered the warm and humid air, heavy with all the sweet scents of the tropical plants the names of which he had never bothered to ask.
It was probably too much to hope for another night like this, not with their present state of being overwhelmed by work and family but if they would just have two hours by themselves, dinner just the two of them, this would be more than they had had in months. And hopefully Shelagh would realize they needed more time like this again.
Patrick heard a light clearing of a throat and winced when he noticed Stella in the doorframe. "Stella, come in, please. You should have gone home by now," he said in a surprised tone.
Stella slowly entered his office and held out a piece of paper. "Here is your calls list. And no, I never leave before I haven't finished my work."
Patrick smiled a crooked smile and lightly brushed Stella's right cheek. "Stella, you are a gem. I would be lost without you."
Stella looked into his eyes and nodded in understanding. "You were having an argument, you two?" she asked carefully. "I noticed from the way your wife walked out, she almost ran, and she also looked as if she had cried."
Patrick nodded and bit his lips.
Stella sighed. She carefully put her arms around Patrick's waist and rested her left cheek against his chest. "I am sorry. You don't deserve this. But I am sure you two will resolve your argument eventually."
Patrick had closed his arms around Stella while she had spoken and hummed in agreement. Yes, Shelagh and he would resolve everything, they always had and they would again. But right now all he needed was Stella's support. To feel her presence, warm and soft, there for him, not going anywhere, no danger of anyone taking her attention away just now.
Stella hummed, too, in contentment, and murmured: "I think you need to leave, Dr Turner, or else you are going to run late."
Patrick groaned. "Do I have to? He asked playfully. "I'd rather stay here with you, see no one, hear no one, take a break for once."
Stella took a step back and held Patrick by his upper arms. "Now, now, Dr Turner, this is not you speaking. You could never do this. You care too much about your patients. As compelling as the idea is, to spend a bit of time, I am going to push you out of this office myself if I have to."
Patrick laughed. "Oh Stella, I do love you. You are certainly a ray of sunshine on this very bleak day." He leaned in to kiss her but Stella jumped back. "Patrick, I am warning you," she said, mockingly scolding him and moved backwards until her back was pressed to the doorframe. From the distance she watched Patrick gather his things and look over his list of calls.
Then he nodded while putting the list into his medical bag before closing it and walking towards the hallway. When he passed Stella he playfully touched her hip but Stella took a step to the side. "Out with you, hurry up," she shouted and followed him into the hallway.