Someone who can give me strength

Patrick did not mention the Maternity Home for the coming days and neither Stella nor Shelagh dared mention it again. They both knew he needed his time to come to terms with the situation and would eventually come up with a plan.

When Stella brought the morning post one morning, an envelope from the Ministry of Health was on top of the stack. She carefully placed it in front of Patrick who sat at his desk and placed her right hand on his shoulder in support. Patrick looked at her with a questioning look, and when she nodded towards the envelope, he understood.

"We know what it says, don't we," he murmured angrily and opened the envelope with his paper knife. Patrick unfolded the letter and quickly scanned it. He handed it to Stella and leaned back in his chair. "So we have it on paper and with an official stamp now," he said bitterly.

Stella's hand, still on Patrick's shoulder, squeezed it in affirmation and she looked up from the letter to Patrick. "I am so sorry. If I could do anything to help, please tell me."

Patrick let out a desperate huff. "I think we have tried everything. All owners of Maternity Homes have been seeing this coming, and we have written letters over letters and spoken in so many meetings but someone at an upper level won't hear us. So no, there isn't really anything we can do."

"Don't you think you are going to regret it one day if you don't at least try to do something?" Stella asked while straightening herself up and crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Forgive me if I am rude, but you acting hopeless and resigning does not suit you, Patrick."

Patrick looked at her in surprise and raised his brows.

"Yes, let me tell you what I think," Stella said, her voice quivering of anger. "If it is in the best interest of your patients, you never shied away from a fight. Why now? And even if you can't change the new law, or reverse a decision made in the Ministry of Health, I am certain that one day you are going to regret that you haven't at least tried one last time."

Stella looked down on Patrick, her arms still crossed. She bit her lips and her breath was shaky from sudden excitement. Patrick felt a wave or warmth wash over him. Stella was right, of course she was right. When had he become hopeless and meek? And how did she come to know what she had to tell him to spur his energy again?

He reached out his arm, inviting her into his embrace. Stella walked near him and Patrick slid his arms around her waist. He pressed his left cheek against her abdomen and said in a meek voice: "I am sorry, I don't know why I am so negative. I know this is not my usual self. But with all that has been happening over the past months, the news about the Maternity Home just seemed to be the last straw in bringing me down. If it wasn't for you, I don't know how I would even manage to go through another day."

"Shh," Stella whispered and began stroking his hair. "Don't say this, Patrick. We both know this is not how it is supposed to be."

Both stood still for a long while until they heard someone call through the corridor. Immediately, Stella jumped back from her position and exclaimed: "Oh no, we forgot about the time, the first patients are already here." She hurried outside and Patrick took a few seconds to gather himself again. Stella was right, he had to do something, even if it seemed a hopeless case. But when had he last given up on a patient? He could not remember, because it was not who he was.

Almost one week later, on a Tuesday afternoon, Stella walked into Patrick's office, waving the list with his afternoon house calls.

"Stella!" Patrick exclaimed happily while looking up from his task of packing his doctor's bag. "You were out for your lunch break, I missed you."

Stella smiled. "I am sorry, I received a call from my future daughter-in-law and had to go to the haberdasher's real quick. She needed a special kind of lace and Mrs Buckle did indeed have the one Sophie requested."

"Oh, the wedding. I forgot about it. Is it this weekend?"

"No, the weekend after. First in June," Stella smiled. "They picked the same day Martin and me got married."

"If you need any time off, you know, to help with anything, or for the preparations, I am happy to give it to you," Patrick said while getting up from his chair.

Stella beamed at him. "Thank you, Patrick. I may take you up on your offer indeed. I assume they might need a few hands the Friday and Thursday before the wedding. I always thought Sophie wasn't too keen on me, but when it comes to helping prepare their wedding it turns out that the future mum-in-law does come in quite handy at times."

Patrick chuckled, lifted his bag already placed on his desk and turned towards the door. Then he halted and said: "Oh, Stella, I forgot something. I have a meeting at the Board of Health tomorrow morning. I just received a reply on my request for an appointment. Could you cancel all patients until eleven o'clock?"

"Why, Patrick, that is good news? I knew you would eventually try to have another word with them," Stella said.

Patrick smiled. "Well, you were right when you said that I was not the person to give up even on a hopeless case. And I won't go down without trying." He paused, looking at her intently.

Stella raised her eyebrows and said: "What is it? Patrick?"

After a few more seconds, Patrick said: "Would you come with me? To support me?"

Stella gave him a puzzled look: "Me? Why? What could I possible do or contribute? You should rather take your wife or one of the Sisters. They have done so much to turn the maternity home into the beacon institution that it is."

"They have an audit from the National Health tomorrow. I am going to ask Shelagh tonight but I am certain she will not want to come. She is going to be needed at Nonnatus House. She is the one most capable with regard to both administration and nursing right next to Sister Julienne, she will feel responsible to support them." He paused and swallowed before carrying on: "It is not so much contributing something, that's not it. I,-" he paused again, "I would like to have you with me to support me. To know that someone is there who can give me their strength."

Stella took a tentative step into Patrick's direction and smiled at him affectionately. "Yes, I am coming with you, Patrick. Of course I will."

When Patrick also took a step into Stella's direction, she shook her head and raised both her hands as if to fend him off. "Patrick, hurry up, you were supposed to be at clinic 15 minutes ago."

"Another day coming to an end," Patrick sighed, while sitting down on his bed. On her side, Shelagh had already snuggled into her covers and began dozing off.

"Are you prepared for tomorrow?" Patrick asked.

Shelagh made a humming sound. "Yes, I am. I think we will perform as well as always. How about you? Do you feel prepared? I am sorry I can't go with you this time. Will you be alright all by yourself?"

"Actually, I asked Stella to come along," Patrick said while shuffling backwards until his back came to rest against the backrest.

Shelagh opened her eyes again, watching him intently: "Stella? Why is this?"

"I am sorry, I could have told you earlier, but we haven't really had five minute to talk all day, haven't we," Patrick sighed. "Stella suggested I take you or one of the Sisters along but since I knew you all are going to be busy tomorrow, I asked her to come. I don't know why, really. I think I just want to know that I am not alone, fighting all by myself."

He paused and watched Shelagh for a while until he continued: "I am weary, Shelagh. I am tired and exhausted. I need someone to back me up, even if it is just for telling me I did the right thing when I begin to doubt I did."

Now Shelagh propped herself up on her elbow, her face alert. "Patrick, you never told me," she said, her voice shaking. "I knew it was not easy for you, the closing of the maternity home. It is not for me, either. But you could have told me that you do not feel able to go there alone. I would have made time."

Patrick looked at his wife with a sad expression. "There was a time when there would not have been a need to tell you this. You would have known. Why do I need to tell you now?"

Shelagh bit her lips and lightly shook her head.

"Shelagh, I have tried to tell you this for the past weeks but I never get through. I don't know where you are, where my wife is. Right now you are here beside me, but I feel as if you are miles away. We never talk, we never touch, and I feel the connection we always felt has been cut."

Now, Shelagh sat up, too, mirroring her husband's position. She shuffled a bit closer to him, but without touching him anywhere.

"I am sorry," she whispered. "I was not aware how you felt. But I am not certain what you are asking of me?"

"I am asking you to reconsider your many obligations. I told you before, I would never ask nor want you to leave your work behind. It is too important a part of you. But as it is now, everyone, me, you, the children, everyone is suffering because you are trying to do more than you can."

Shelagh covered her mouth with her hands for a while, contemplating what her husband had just said. When she spoke, it was again with a firm voice: "Patrick, we have talked about this before. It is much, perhaps it is too much for all of us for the moment. But it has only been three months. And I think things will need a bit more time to settle down."

"But Shelagh,-" Patrick began only to be interrupted by his wife.

"Patrick, no. Please do not let us have this conversation again, not while we are both tired and need to sleep."

Patrick sighed. "But when are we supposed to have this conversation? This is the only place and time of the day when we are able to speak in private. And it proves my point that if we carry on like this we will no longer be able to manage eventually. It is only 10.30 but you can hardly keep your eyes open because you do too much and because you are still taking those pills."

Shelagh huffed. "Yes, I am taking the pills and they make me feel good. Don't you want me to feel good? And yes, I feel it is too much, but I also think that right now we will have to pull through this rough patch and once we have established our routine, we will indeed manage. The children are getting older, and easier, more independent. Angela will soon be her old self, I am certain. Teddy is getting along very well with Susan. I don't see why you want me to make all the adjustments now."

She unsuccessfully tried to stifle a yawn and rubbed her eyes.

Patrick slowly shook his head. He reached out for his wife's left hand, raised it to his mouth and kissed her wedding band. "Shelagh, I love you and I want us to be happy. I never said it would be easy but I can't go on like this. I just can't and I want you to know."

Shelagh shuffled closer to her husband and leaned against him. She rested her head on his shoulder and said: "Yes, times are difficult at the moment. But let us just wait a few weeks and it will be different again, I am certain."

The Turners remained seated for a while until Patrick noticed Shelagh's breathing getting more even and her body slumping against his. She had fallen asleep. Patrick considered laying her down but decided to remain in their position for a while longer. He missed his wife's touch and also touching her, apart from hasty kisses hello and good bye. Right now, he needed to feel her, to reassure himself of her presence, even if it was only her body that was there with him in their bed.