Present Day:
"Um…Dad? Is it my imagination or does this Mary look an awful lot like Cousin Trixie?"
Daniel Mangan Regan tilted the wooden nativity figure so that its face could be seen in the faint, outside lights of the Ten Acres Academy and Children's Home courtyard, causing Bill Regan to let out a hearty chuckle.
"I wondered when you'd notice. Honestly, Daniel, how many times have you seen this nativity at Crabapple Farm? In all these years, you've never recognized the likenesses of the Belden siblings in these faces before?"
"I guess not," Daniel said quietly. He ran his hand over the aged carvings of the holy scene he had been sent outside to help load into Bill's truck. "Hmmm. Uncle Peter must have made these a long time ago. Obviously Trixie is the Mary, and…let's see here…this Joseph has Brian's face. So, where's Mart?"
"He's one of the wise men over there," Bill laughed softly.
"More like a wise guy," Daniel quipped. "Let me guess….Bobby's the baby in the manger, huh?"
But, Daniel stopped smiling when he pulled open the swaddling clothes on the Jesus figure and found nothing but an old, shapeless lump of wood.
"I…I don't understand," he whispered.
"Bob's face is on one of those shepherds over there," Bill said quickly, ignoring Daniel's discomfort. "It looks just like Angelica, doesn't it?"
"But…that's weird. Why did Uncle Peter leave the baby unfinished? Its…well… the most important part of the whole scene, don't you think?"
Bill sighed in a ragged sort of way, leaving Daniel feeling suddenly uncomfortable in the New Year's evening chill.
"Uncle Peter didn't make this nativity scene, Daniel. Dan did."
The mention of his biological father's name sent a jolt of electricity through Daniel. He had almost anticipated Matthew Wheeler's earlier discussion about Dan; however, he never expected Bill to also want to talk about him tonight. For a moment, he was too stunned to respond.
"I remember…he made it for the Beldens the first Christmas he spent here in Sleepyside," Regan continued on. "Said…he wanted to do something nice for them because…they'd treated him as one of their own. He was about your age at the time, actually."
"Wow," Daniel breathed. He ran his hand along the sleeve of one of the wise men and tried to imagine carving such detailed figures all by himself. He looked up at Regan with a new understanding of why he'd been brought out here. "He was… really someone special, wasn't he?"
"Yes, Daniel. Just like you."
The tenderness of the moment was greatly appreciated, but being a guy, the teen couldn't let it last too long before turning it into a joke.
"Aw…gawrsh!" Daniel feigned a goofy look of embarrassment and gave Bill a light punch on the upper arm. "You're not so bad yourself, you know. I'll bet you even helped Dan make all of this, didn't you? I see your signature woodworking on that manger over there…"
He gave a big show with his hands around the outer edges of the wooden box as if he were trying to sell it on a home shopping network.
Bill just shook his head and laughed, seemingly glad that the tears he'd been blinking back were not going to get a chance to fall.
"Nope. This was all Dan's doing. Oh, stop your clowning and help me finish loading this on the truck, will ya?"
"Yes, sir!" Daniel saluted.
After a few minutes of working in silence, the boy could sense that the older man beside him still needed to get something off his chest. It was as if there was something he wanted to say, but he didn't know how to start. Daniel decided to get the ball rolling for him.
"So…I know you didn't just bring me out here to dismantle this thing and load it up. I mean…I'm a pretty slow worker these days with this leg and all. What gives, Dad? Did you just want me to know Dan made this…or…is there something else you wanted to talk about?"
Bill's ready smile was felt, more than seen, through the darkness.
I know there's more. There's always more, Daniel thought to himself.
"Nothing gets by you, does it, Kid?" Regan teased.
"I guess I get that from you." The two of them made sappy faces at each other for a moment, rolling their eyes, until Daniel finally decided it was time to stop playing around. "But, seriously…what's up?" He placed a scuffed up wooden sheep in the bed of the truck and then stopped to rest against the side of the wheel cover.
"Honestly, son…" Bill slid a large piece of the barn backdrop into the truck and stopped to stand beside the teen. "I just wanted to let you know…how grateful I am that we could have you. And…how your mother and I are very proud of everything you've accomplished. I know we already talked about what happened at Thanksgiving, but…I still feel as if I've messed things up between us…and I…I just want to make things right."
"No, Dad. It's cool. I know why you were mad."
"Do you?"
"Yeah," Daniel laughed, "Mom explained it all to me. She says a lot of times when you're that mad, you're just scared for one of us."
The older man put his big hands on his hips with an incredulous look.
"Oh, is that so?"
"Yeah, that's so." Daniel jabbed Bill playfully in the ribs, causing the red headed man to grimace nostalgically.
Hmmm. That must have been a Dan thing.
Daniel decided he didn't want to be a phantom of the young man everyone missed, so he made a mental note to avoid that move from now on.
I'm proud he was my father, but I'm my own person. And, I don't want Dad's special memories of me mixed up with his memories of Dan.
"Maybe…you're mother's right," Bill quietly broke into Daniel's thoughts. "I was…a little bit afraid. I was scared that…that you were trying to grow up too fast. It bothers me to think you're getting to the point where… you might not need me anymore. Especially…now that you know the truth."
This concept was something Daniel had never considered before. He looked up into Bill's face and was surprised to see a new kind of softness there.
"I'll always need you," Daniel reassured him gently. "And…you'll always be my dad. Knowing that Dan's my biological father doesn't change that."
Regan started to say something in response, but then he turned back to sort through the items that had already been placed in the truck bed. Daniel just figured the man was trying to hide his growing emotions, so he also busied himself with going back for another piece of the nativity scene.
But, he stopped short when he noticed that Regan had retrieved the Joseph figure from the truck and was now cradling it gently in his arms as he walked toward the youth.
"Daniel, it…it means a lot to me that you still see me the same way you did before you knew the truth. And…I'm grateful…for Dan's sake…that you seem to want to know all about him, too. But…sometimes…" Bill put the figure down before him and patted its back gently. "Sometimes, I feel like Joseph must have felt all those years ago. Trying to be a good father when…when…well…you know…"
Daniel couldn't help but shake his head. He didn't know.
"Jesus wasn't actually Joseph's son, either, remember?"
"Yeah, but…" Daniel couldn't imagine where this conversation was going. "It's not like we aren't related at all. I mean, technically, you're my great uncle…like Uncle Peter."
Regan groaned and ran a hand through his red hair with a frustrated shove.
"No…that's not what I mean. What bothers me isn't about us being related or not being related. It's…" he sighed. "It's the feeling Joseph must have carried around with him… knowing that he could never compete with his son's real father."
For the second time that evening, Daniel was completely stunned.
He thinks he has to compete with Dan? That's crazy! I never even met the man!
"I get worried, sometimes, that…Dan could have done a much better job of raising you," Bill continued on in the face of the teen's silence. "After all, he had a father when he was small, and…I didn't. I had no idea what I was doing when you kids came along. I remember, years ago, watching Dan make Bobby's whole world light up, and I thought to myself, 'He's going to make one heck of a father, someday.' But…he never even got the chance to see you. Oh, Daniel, he would have loved you so much. And…he probably wouldn't have made all the mistakes I've made, either."
Now, it was Daniel's turn to be frustrated.
"Will you just stop it? Okay? Every parent makes mistakes. You're… talking crazy! And…it's…it's really confusing me! Ever since you told me the truth, you and Mom have acted like it makes you sad that I can't imagine Dan as my father, and…and now…you're jealous of him? I don't get it. Is this about me going to Paris with Poppa? Do you not want me to go?"
"What? No! Of course I want you to go. I think it's a great opportunity for you. I was only…I…I just…" Bill groaned again and turned his back so Daniel wouldn't see the tears forming in his pained emerald eyes. "I should have let your mother come out here with us. She would have known how to say this."
"Look," Daniel said, suddenly wanting to hurry up and go back inside. "We're almost finished putting all of this in the truck, so…let's just get this done and we can…talk later."
"I really need to get this out now, Daniel. Please."
Daniel had never known Regan to plead with him about anything. It was always Bill's way or no way at all. The vulnerability in the man now standing before him frightened him far more than the passionate anger he'd seen in him on the day of the Thanksgiving family dinner. It was too surreal for the teen to fully process, so he just stood there for a moment, hoping this would all go away.
When Daniel did not speak, Bill turned to face him.
"I'm not saying I'm jealous of Dan, okay? What I'm trying to say is…you deserve the best role model and father in the world, and…I'm sorry if I haven't always…measured up. I'm trying to admit my faults, here. To…acknowledge that…it's been a lot harder than I thought it would be, but…I did my best. I don't want you to have a hard time being the man you want to be because…I didn't know what I was doing. With Will…it's been easier. And not because our blood matches better, okay? It's not because of that. It's only because… Will is just like me."
Daniel laughed. "You can say that again."
"But…you...well…you're different."
"Because I'm Dan's or because I'm like Dan?" Daniel held his breath and tried not to look anxious about the answer he had almost been too scared to ask for.
"Because you are like you. Unique and special and…wonderful." Regan's words reassured him gently. He moved closer and put his hand on the teen's shoulder, peering lovingly into his eyes.
"I have never compared you to Dan, and I won't start now." He held the gaze long enough for Daniel to feel his words and then pulled away, shoved his large hands into his coat pockets, and let out a tired sigh. "I guess I just can't stop comparing myself to him…or any other father I've ever seen. Like I said before, I didn't have my own dad to learn from." He stood silent for a brief minute and then reached out to pick up the Joseph figure once again. "I just want to make sure you know…how hard I've tried. How sorry I am for all the times I fell short. How…grateful I am for you, even though I know I don't deserve you, and…how much…I…" Bill shrugged, trying to make the weight of his words seem less pressing, "…I want you to know how much…I love you."
Daniel couldn't help but smile at this. It was just like his dad to take an hour to say something so short and simple. And, of course, it wasn't the first time Bill had ever said it to him, either. But, this time, with the new understanding of the man's secret "Joseph complex," Daniel thought this was the best time he'd ever heard those words.
"I love you too, Dad."
The two of them stood quietly for a few minutes, letting their mutual affections be known in silence, and then Bill turned to place the Joseph figure back in the truck bed once more.
After all the pieces were safely tucked away for the trip to The Sleepy R Ranch, Daniel thought of something.
"You know, at first, it kind of disturbed me that the Jesus statue wasn't finished, but… now that I think about it, I can see how hard it would be to imagine what the God of the universe would look like as a baby. Maybe, Dan did that on purpose."
"Could be." Regan agreed. "Jesus was the greatest gift, after all. Perhaps, Dan thought it was better to let everyone imagine their own version of what was underneath the wrapping." He reached over and put his arm around Daniel as the two began to walk back toward the back door of the Frayne home. "I guess that technically makes you the second miraculous birth in my life."
The two laughed together.
Then, Daniel thought of something else.
"Yeah, Uncle Peter told me about the way you sort of…gave me to Mom for Christmas one year. You know…how you…gave her the paperwork on Dan's…um…"
"Well…actually," Bill interrupted, "I chickened out and only gave her a bracelet that year. It just felt too soon, you know. We were still only dating. And, it was a good thing I didn't spring all of that on her so soon, because, well…you almost didn't happen, as it was. We had a kind of…fight about the whole thing when I did finally give it to her."
Daniel stopped walking and looked up at Bill incredulously.
"You never told me that," he said, feeling a little hurt.
"Yeah…well, it was something else that happened a lot like Joseph's story. Only, instead of me being the one whose doubts were erased by a dream, it was your mother who had a sort of…encounter with an angel." Regan's eyes widened at the end of his phrase, causing Daniel to feel that there was far more to this story than what was being said.
"Okay…I know it's really cold out here, but…I've gotta hear this," Daniel said quickly.
"How about we go inside and get your mother, and some hot chocolate, and…we can talk about it out in the sunroom?"
"Sounds…warm," Daniel laughed, "I'm in."
Bill tousled the boy's thick black hair and felt himself relaxing in his son's presence for the first time since his horrible misunderstanding at Thanksgiving. The tension between them was gone for good.
As the two walked side by side, Bill thought about the story he and Hallie were about to share with Daniel for the first time, and he couldn't help but say a quick prayer.
God, you've given us so much. Thank you. I can't believe how close we came to missing out on this blessing. I'm glad you know better than we do.