He tried not to stare, not to look back at her sitting there, but it was hard to do. On one hand, he was worried if he didn't keep an eye on her, she would bolt, leave, and that would be the end of it. On the other hand, he was shocked he'd found her, and the two were actually going to sit and talk. As he stood at the counter waiting for his coffee and her tea, he tried to casually glance at her as he waited. She looked sweet, kind, and protective, all traits he never would have paired with Sharon Raydor a year ago. Now, he could see it; he could see the way she loved Hannah, the way she was protective of her. A year ago, he might have said the best way to describe Sharon was fierce, cutthroat, and bossy. She was all of that, everything in one, and he hoped their time today would be productive, allowing the best of both their personalities to shine.
"Here you go," he heard and turned to see his drinks on the counter. He nodded at the young college student, a young man who barely looked 20. Andy picked up the drinks, and as he carried them to the table, he found his hands shaking. He tried to calm himself with a deep breath, intent on not spilling the drinks. He walked toward Sharon, noting she was sitting there, looking out the windows, her hands running up and down Hannah's sides. Hannah, who was blissfully unaware of any issues between her parents, was sleeping soundly on Sharon, still in the carrier Sharon was wearing. Andy wasn't sure how she could sit and wear Hannah, how it was comfortable, but he had to admit both Sharon and Hannah looked comfortable. He had a slightly better view of Hannah now that Sharon was seated with her coat hanging on the back of her chair. He could see one of Hannah's hands, a small fist she'd made, hanging out the one side of the carrier, almost clutched onto Sharon's shirt. He could see her dark hair, and he could see one small foot, just the tip of it as Hannah was balled up in her carrier. It appeared she had pulled her legs up to sleep, and he just hoped his little princess might wake up during their talk, so he could see more of her.
"Here's your tea," he said quietly, mindful of Hannah sleeping. He watched his hands shake slightly as he put the tea down on the table and took a deep breath as he pulled out his chair to sit. He glanced over at Sharon who was watching him and gave her a small smile.
"I ordered your tea with honey, as you said you wanted," he told her, his nervousness evident. "Do you need sugar? I can get that," he said as he started to stand again.
Sharon put her hand out, not touching him, but toward him, "I'm fine, really. Thank you for the tea. I'll get some cash out when Hannah wakes up; I don't want to wake her digging in my purse."
"Please," Andy raised his hand, "a cup of tea is the least I can do. I won't take your money. Is she okay like that?" he nodded to Hannah. "Does she sleep okay? That's really what I mean."
Sharon glanced down at Hannah, her little face turned sideways on Sharon's chest, and Sharon smiled at Hannah's mouth slightly open. Andy couldn't see any of that because the carrier covered most of her head, but she looked over at Andy and nodded before she spoke, "She likes this carrier and sleeps very well. It's been a lifesaver for me. I wear her like this a lot at work. I can tell she's getting bigger because I'm starting to feel her pull more on my back, or I should say, the straps pull more. I'll be sad when the day comes she outgrows this."
He listened and offered a slight nod as he glanced down at his cup, "It's great to hear she's a good baby, really just to learn anything about her. I'm relieved and happy for you, that you are settling in here nicely. Still strange to think of you working in a flower shop and soon, at a college, but I know you are doing all of this for Hannah, for a chance at a better life, one outside the LAPD."
Sharon gave a small shrug and took a sip of her tea. The two were quiet for a few moments, almost as if they were just adjusting to being in each other's physical presence. Sharon swallowed her tea and cleared her voice before she spoke, "Well."
"Right," Andy nodded and repeated the same thing, "well. So, I do want to thank you for agreeing to even sit here with me. I'll get to the reason I needed to find you, at least the medical one."
Sharon eyed him, "Okay. You mentioned medical now a few times, health issues, I believe, correct?"
"Yes," Andy nodded, his eyes focused on her. "My sister is sick. She has cancer. I've been back and forth to New York now a couple times over the last month to be with her. I wanted you, wanted Hannah," he clarified, "to know." Andy looked up from his cup, as if telling her all that while focused on his coffee cup was easier. He met her gaze and found she'd been looking at him as he'd spoken about his sister. His eyes met hers, and he saw her give him a sad smile.
"I'm very sorry to hear that," Sharon said, and he could tell she was being genuine. "I know you've mentioned her a few times. What is her prognosis?"
"Ahh, it's decent," he nodded. "The doc thinks she can make a recovery, but my sister isn't sure. She's the doom and gloom type, certain that even if she clears this hurdle, the cancer will come back. I'm trying to be optimistic for her, and that's definitely not my strong point either."
Sharon nodded, and she sipped her drink again. She looked to him, "I am very sorry. I hope she makes a full recovery. What type of cancer, if you don't mind my asking?"
"No, I want you to know," he told her. "Thyroid," he explained. "I think she will kick it, but like I said, she's worried the cancer will spread. Look, in researching all this, we found that several in my family died of what appears to be cancer. You know how technology has improved and all, and while I will never have a firm count or diagnosis on my ancestors, I wanted you and Hannah to know because it could be an issue for her in the future. I pray that day never comes," he said and let out a long sigh as he looked to Hannah, still sleeping in her carrier. "I can't imagine that beautiful little girl ever having to deal with something as awful as cancer, but I am her dad, her flesh and blood, no matter what any paperwork says, and I felt like she needed the medical information."
Sharon listened and rested her hands around her cup of tea. She looked to Hannah at the mention of anything ever being wrong with her and back to Andy, "Thank you," she said in a quick, low breath. "I can't stand the idea of anything ever happening to her. I can't imagine my life without her," she said and gave a small shrug.
"Me either," Andy raised his hands in defense. "I wanted you to know. I feel like any information is better than nothing. My kids, my other kids," he clarified, "have been told as well."
Sharon looked to him with a small nod, and Andy could tell she'd almost started crying. Instead, she cleared her throat, "How are things with your kids? I never told you it was nice to meet them, as surprising as it was to see you in the restaurant before she was born. I never expected to see you there."
"Yeah, I get it," Andy nodded. "That place was not my typical dining out experience. I get it, that I'm not the type for that kind of place."
"No, no!" Sharon said louder and then dropped her head to check on Hannah. She looked to Andy with panic in her eyes, "I didn't mean it like that. I was not inferring you weren't classy enough for the restaurant. I was simply stating seeing you with your family, it caught me off guard. I was miserable then, in more ways than one," she gave him a sympathetic shrug, "and I didn't expect to see anyone while out with Gavin, especially you with your whole family. Thank you for not making it awkward and telling them who I was."
He raised his eyes, "Well, the kids are my family. My ex has made it clear we are not family, and I'm not arguing that. She's created a new family, one she's tried to cut me out of on many occasions. I just want my kids to love and respect me. Right now, I'm not sure they can do either one, but I'm trying." Andy caught her eye and clarified, "I'm trying with all of them, even Hannah. I've messed up with her, and she doesn't even know it. As far as for not telling them, I haven't told any of them about Hannah. I told my sister," he smiled at the memory, "and she couldn't believe it, but my kids don't know."
"There's no reason for them to know now," Sharon started speaking quickly. "What's done is done. They don't need to be told, and you can get on with your life, with trying to better things with them."
"I'm not ashamed of Hannah, of you," he added, trying to get her to look at him. "I knew it was a mess that night, and back then, I might have been embarrassed at everything, but I'm not ashamed of you or her. I would tell them, still will tell them, if I can ever figure out what this all is."
"Andy," Sharon said as she let out a sigh and looked to her drink.
Andy frowned, "Sharon," he said with a similar sigh and waited for her to glance at him. He shrugged, "I did want to tell you about my sister. I also wanted to tell you that I've been a mess with all of this, with you and Hannah. I don't feel like I made a wise decision or the right choice. I hate myself for it, and that's why I don't even know what to tell my kids. They will be disappointed in me for so many more things-for creating a new life, for signing her away, for so much, and while I can deal with it, I don't even know what to tell them. There are days I look in the mirror and wonder how I messed up every single thing in my life. There are days I wonder if I will ever be a good guy or do the right thing. I know nothing can happen overnight. The AA saying about one day at a time is so applicable here, but I wanted you to know I think about you and Hannah constantly. I'm so disgusted with myself for thinking that signing a piece of paper could end any sort of-not just obligation, but any sort of emotion. I haven't been sleeping. I haven't been doing anything except for worrying about you two and regretting everything that has happened since the day you told me you were pregnant."
Sharon looked down at Hannah instead of at Andy. She heard him sigh when he finished talking, and she did the same before she looked back up at him. She cleared her throat, "I know this is hard."
"You have Hannah, though," he nodded to her. "I don't. I've barely seen her, and she's three and a half months old. It is hard. I know it's hard for you, but I'm here, telling you I want to help. I want to be a better man, and I know I can be."
"I just want you to be happy, to move on, and to not feel tied to us," Sharon explained. Andy leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table to speak softly to her.
"I know you do. I want that for you, to be happy. I want that for Hannah. I just am second guessing my choices, and I'm not happy with what I've decided. I want to be in Hannah's life. I'd convinced myself I was such a terrible father she would be better off without me. I know that was an idiot move. I want to be a good dad. I want to know my daughter. I want to be part of your lives, but I also know what I signed. I'll respect what you want, but I needed to put that on the table. This is the first time we've been able to talk in a civilized setting, and I would like to think we could work together for the good of Hannah."
Sharon didn't get the opportunity to respond because Hannah started to move and then let out a single long cry. Sharon could feel her stretch as she started to squirm after her nap.
"Oh, my sweet girl, you are hot after that nap," Sharon spoke sweetly to Hannah as she put her hand behind her head inside the carrier. She looked over at Andy, "She's going to be hungry, and I'm going to need to get to work."
Andy just nodded as he continued to stare at Hannah who now was starting to make more noise. He could see her head trying to turn, and he gestured at Sharon, "Can I help you with anything?"
Sharon glanced around the coffee shop and down at Hannah. She gave Andy a slight nod, "I'm going to get her out of this carrier. She gets hot when she sleeps, and I can feel that her hair is a little sweaty. I'm afraid she isn't going to wait to eat, and I do need to go."
"I appreciate you meeting with me," Andy nodded to her. "If holding her a minute helps you, I would be thrilled to do that."
Sharon looked down at Hannah again while she considered the offer. She met Andy's gaze and gave him a small nod, "Okay, it would help to get her out, and I could get her bottle ready while you hold her. Then, I need to get over to work."
"Bottle?" Andy asked, repeating the word as if he didn't understand it.
"Yes, bottle," Sharon said, slightly on edge. "Babies don't use coffee cups."
"No, I just thought you'd said you were breastfeeding her," he explained.
"I was, but I stopped recently. That doesn't make me a bad parent," she said in a quick tone.
"No, no!" Andy held up his hand. "I wasn't saying that, not at all. I'm the crappy parent. That's no question. You are a wonderful mother. I was simply asking for information sake. I should be thanking you for doing anything to take care of her, for enduring that pregnancy with her, for bringing this beautiful, perfectly healthy baby into this world, all on your own."
Sharon, who had been messing with the straps on the carrier, paused with that, and she looked over at Andy, her eyes focused on him. He finished talking and put his hands together and rested them on the table again, almost as if that calmed him.
"All I am saying, was saying, will continue to say, is that I would really like to be part of her life in every way, but at least in any way you might allow me," he stated and then frowned.
"You may hold her," Sharon said in a choked-up tone. She cleared her throat, "I don't mind you holding her while I dig out her bottle, and then, I need to go."
"Do you want to feed her here? If I can help by doing, that, I'd love to do anything," Andy offered.
Sharon shook her head, "No, I really need to get over to work. My boss, my friend really, Helen," Sharon rolled her eyes, "said we needed to discuss a couple of orders while I fed Hannah, so I do need to go." She finally pulled Hannah from the carrier, and Andy put his hand to his mouth as he looked at his baby girl. She had grown a lot since he'd seen her, now months ago, just after she was born. She had thick dark hair, at least on the back of her head, that was filling in nicely. He smiled at her tiny legs as she started to kick with them and noted Sharon had her in a one-piece light pink outfit, almost like a sleeper, but without her feet covered. She was wearing little pink socks the same color as her outfit. He hadn't been paying attention to what Sharon was saying, but saw she was talking so he turned his attention to her.
"I know you are hungry, baby," Sharon said to the infant. "Shh, shh," she said as Hannah let out a couple of frustrated cries. I'll get your bottle, and we can go. I'm going to let," she paused as she tried to figure out what to say next, "Andy," she finally said and let out her breath, "Andy, hold you while I get everything together."
Sharon met his gaze, and he nodded to her, "Do you want me to stand and come to you, or what should I do?"
Sharon stood, the carrier front dropping down her front as she held out Hannah. Andy kept his eyes focused on the baby, and he put his arms out to get her. He sat back with Hannah securely in his arms, a huge smile on his face as he stared into his daughter's, now open, eyes.
"Hey, kiddo," he said quietly as he looked at Hannah. He couldn't take her in fast enough. She had a full head of dark hair, and with her pale skin, she was striking and beautiful to him. He watched as she scrunched up her nose and started to let out another cry, while he tried to bounce her slightly. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sharon watching him while she was trying to get Hannah's bottle ready and decided that he needed to focus exclusively on Hannah for these few moments. "There, there," he said as he bounced her in his arms, "hungry, huh? Mom's getting your bottle, and I have to say, I'm really glad to see you. Oh, you've got pretty eyes," he commented running his thumb over her hair.
"They are not my eyes," he heard from Sharon and looked up at her quickly. He'd tried to focus only on Hannah, but Sharon commenting on his conversation with Hannah had him interested. He narrowed his gaze at her. She shrugged and repeated it, "They are not my eyes. She has my nose, but she has your eyes. Several people have commented on her eyes, that they are really beautiful."
"They are," Andy added, nodding. He looked back at Hannah and then quickly to Sharon, "See, I think her eyes look like yours."
Sharon shook her head, "I don't. My mom doesn't see it either. Obviously, she doesn't know you, but she commented Hannah's eyes don't look like anyone in the family, not me, not the kids, no one."
Andy pursed his lips, but instead of speaking again, he turned back to Hannah as she tried to squirm. Sharon dug around in her bag more while he looked at Hannah. He shifted her, from resting in his arms, to putting her on his shoulder while he patted her back. "How's that, kiddo? You're squirming around, so maybe you need to stretch, hmm?" Andy continued to talk to Hannah, almost awaiting an answer from her. He finally pulled her off his shoulder and held her out to look at her, and she scrunched up her face again and let out a loud hiccup. Andy chuckled, "That's what it was. You just have a lot going on in that tummy of yours."
Movement had him looking toward Sharon, and he saw her now standing. She nodded to Andy, "I have all of her things. I need to get back to work."
"I understand," Andy told her. "For what it's worth, thank you. This means more than you know; it means the world to me, just talking and of course, holding Hannah. I really appreciate it."
Sharon quickly gave him a single nod and looked around the shop. It was empty this time of the morning. She adjusted her bag and said, "I am guessing you will be going back to Los Angeles?"
"Yeah," he sighed. "So, where does that leave us?"
"Us," she gestured with her hand. "The only us happened almost a year ago when we messed around for several days during the holidays. Look, I have heard everything you've said."
Andy nodded, "I meant everything; I mean everything," he explained. "I'll do anything to be part of your lives."
Sharon looked to the ceiling, and Andy saw her take a deep breath. She let it out, and then she looked at him, "My son made a comment a few weeks ago, one that I haven't been able to forget. He and I discussed his father, or lack of one. I'm not going to get into specifics, but I'm not sure what I want right now."
"Okay," Andy frowned, not sure what Sharon was saying. "So?"
"So," she put her hands out to reach for Hannah. Andy, understanding the gesture, kissed Hannah's head, took in a deep breath of her, and he gave her back to Sharon. Sharon gathered her things quickly, Hannah in her arms, as she placed a burp cloth on her shoulder for Hannah to rest there.
"So," Sharon said quickly as she started to step away, but she paused long enough to speak to Andy, "so," she repeated without looking at him, but looked at Hannah. "I meant what I said before, that if I thought you were trying to be a problem for me, I could and would get a restraining order. I'm going to leave you with this," she nodded to him and put a piece of paper down on the table. "I'm trusting my judgment and leaving you with that. Bye, Andy," and before he could say anything more, before he could stand, before he could even reach over and squeeze Hannah's foot, Sharon, with Hannah in her arms, moved quickly, out of the coffee shop. He sat there, watching her as the door closed, watching her as she disappeared from sight. He looked down at the paper, not sure what she'd left for him and not sure what the future would hold.