"Thanks again for dinner; it's delicious," Sharon said as she put a bite in her mouth. The two were almost halfway through their quiet dinner, and it had been going smoothly. The conversation had been light, a lot about work for each of them, and they seemed to have settled into a level of comfort around each other. Andy looked up, from where he was eating his salad, and he nodded to her.
"It was no trouble. I'm glad you are enjoying it," he nodded. "It's quiet, oddly quiet with Hannah asleep."
"Yes," she frowned slightly as she wiped her mouth. "I have that same thought often at night. It's wonderful to have her around, and by the time she goes to bed at night, I'm exhausted, but then, there are the quiet hours. After years and years of that, you would think it doesn't bother me. It didn't," she shook her head and frowned again as she thought. "It does now, and I'm not sure why."
Andy nodded as he looked at her and then back down at his salad, "I get that, the lonely feeling. I really do."
The two glanced at each other, and then, Sharon shook her head, "Ahh, I keep meaning to ask you about your sister. How is she? Angela," she nodded, confirming the name.
Andy looked up and put his fork down to speak. He shook his head, "She's not feeling all that great, even now. Her treatments made her feel pretty rough. They say it's different for everyone, and she really didn't seem to take them well. We're all hopeful, praying for a recovery. I just love her so much and can't stand the idea she's in pain and not feeling well. I need to go see her. Between work and everything here," he paused not sure what to say. Sharon bit her lip and gave him a sad look and nod. "I appreciate you asking. She asks about Hannah all the time."
"She does?" Sharon tilted her head, clearly surprised.
"Sure," he gave a small smile. "If anything can brighten her day when she's feeling poorly, it's an update on Hannah. I send all the pictures you send me. Ang really adores getting the pictures, so thank you for making her day. She appreciates them almost as much as I do, if that's possible," he winked.
"I had no idea," Sharon shook her head. "I knew you'd told her about Hannah, but I didn't think it was anything more than that. I knew she was a secret from the rest of your family."
Andy sighed, "Listen, I am not ashamed of Hannah or you. I don't even know what to tell them. I mean, do you have an explanation for everything right now? It's complicated, really complicated, and I'll have them come over tonight if that is what you want. I just want time to figure this out. I hope you understand. Your kids don't know who I am, and I'm okay with that. I was pleasantly surprised to meet your dad, and I guess, the way I see it, we both have a person in our family corner who knows everything, but otherwise, this," he shook his head, "is complicated."
"You're right," she nodded. "I guess I'm really happy to hear you keep your sister updated on Hannah, and even more, that Angela is happy about Hannah."
"Are you kidding?" Andy grinned. "Angela adores babies, and she was delighted when I told her you were coming here. I half expect her to show up, and she might if she felt better," he chuckled. "I promised tons of pictures."
"Well," Sharon nodded to him. "The least I can do for someone in her situation is send pictures of Hannah. I'll do better, even better with that. I know you've told me you like all the ones I've been sending."
"Sharon, she's my flesh and blood," he gave her a glance. "There could never be too many pictures. And, that lasagna," he nodded to her and continued, "Angela's modified recipe. I'll tell her you liked it."
"She seems amazing," Sharon told him.
"I only have time for amazing women," he eyed her. Both felt like the air changed with that comment. They glanced at each other and then back to their meals. Andy's phone rang again, and he sighed. Sharon finally looked up at that sound.
"Provenza," he said and stood. "I'll be back."
"Hopefully, it's not a case," she gave him a small smile.
"Someone might be dead before the night is out; that's the truth," he grumbled as he stepped away.
"What? I'm eating dinner!" Andy barked into the phone.
"Is that code for anything else?" Provenza asked. "Where are you right now?"
"I'm up from my kitchen table and just stepped outside on my front porch," Andy explained.
"Oh, well, I'd say cool off there, your hormones I mean, but it's not exactly cool outside tonight. You aren't half-dressed, are you?" Provenza asked.
"No! I told you I'm eating dinner. We're having lasagna," Andy explained. "I appreciate the call, but it's fine. It won't be an issue tonight."
"Mood?" Provenza asked. "Music, wine, hands touching-spell it out, Flynn, or I'm coming over there. Look, you told me to play keep away for you, and that's what this call is. It's your intervention, so spill it. What's the mood?"
"The mood is I'm irritated. That's my mood. With her, it's fine. We're just talking about basic things," he said.
"Wine? Not you, but her, because I know she drinks it," Provenza pointed out.
"Yeah, I got her wine," he sighed, running his hand over his face.
"One glass or two, Flynn?" Provenza asked. "If it's more than that, I'm on my way because I know what will happen."
"Two, okay? She's fine. I'm fine, and I'm going to clean up dinner and go to bed. I'm beat, and I know she is too," he said. "Now, thanks for being a good friend, but I've got this. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon."
"It's not that late, and I know how things can change. I'll text you later. If you don't answer, I'll call, and if you don't answer, I'll drive over there. Don't make me do that, Flynn," he warned Andy.
"Okay," Andy chuckled. "I'll reply. Night, Provenza."
Andy walked back into the house and found Sharon loading the dishwasher. He walked to her, quickly, and he waved his hands at her. He frowned, "Hey, I've got this. No need for you to do that."
"I can clean up," she told him. "You did the cooking. I can clear the table."
"You're a guest," he stilled her hand and met her gaze. The two were close together, close enough he could kiss her if he wanted, but he quickly looked away to the table. "I'll finish. I know you've had a long day. I have too. I think I'll finish here and go to bed. It's getting late."
"Oh," Sharon tried to hide her surprise. Andy gave her an odd look, but she shook her head. "You know, I should get some sleep before court tomorrow. I'll just turn in myself." She looked at him, her eyes dancing, "Thanks again for everything. Sleep well," she said as her arm squeezed his. She walked by him and started to the bedroom.
"Sharon," he called to her. She turned around, and he couldn't place the expression on her face, "Sleep well," he gave her a small smile. "There are towels and all out for you. If you need anything, help yourself."
"Night," she said quickly and turned again. He leaned back against his counter and closed his eyes. It was going to be a long night, and he wasn't sure how much sleep he would get with Sharon just down the hall, but he was determined to try.
Hours later, Andy woke from his sleep, surprised he'd fallen asleep at all. He'd tried for a long time to sleep, but he had too much on his mind. He wasn't sure what time he fell asleep, but he was awake again, and it was 4:15. He could see a light on in the kitchen from his door, which was slightly ajar. He decided to check on everything and make sure Hannah wasn't having trouble sleeping. The house was quiet, but still, he'd turned off the light when he'd gone to bed.
"Couldn't sleep?" he pursed his lips as he walked toward the kitchen table, dressed in his boxes and a t-shirt where just a few hours ago, he and Sharon had enjoyed a rather pleasant dinner. Thankfully, Provenza had stopped with his check-ups after the last text, around 11:00, which Andy had answered from his room and promised he was alone, but now, he wondered what had Sharon awake. He walked to the table and glanced down at her files, spread around the table. He eyed her, and when he met her gaze, he pulled out the chair to sit down at the table. It was a rectangular table, and she was sitting on the one side. He sat down at the head of the table, close to his room. She was sitting to his right.
She looked up at him, and he had to tell himself not to stare, not to groan, but man, it was hard. She was in her robe, her hair piled on her head, with her glasses on as she studied a pile of documents. He wanted to stare at the robe, a black one with a few red roses on it, and from what he could tell, she had on a matching nightgown or whatever she called it underneath. He looked at it, but then, he quickly looked up at her for an explanation.
"No," she frowned and looked back at the table. "I wanted to prep for court. I didn't want to wake Hannah back there, but I'm so sorry if I disturbed you. I just haven't slept all night. I'm not going to be very productive in court with no sleep, but it is what it is."
Andy, now sitting there, glanced at all her paperwork. He frowned and reached to the center of the table, where he had a spare pair of his own reading glasses. He hated wearing them at work, even if he really needed to do that, but he kept a couple pairs on hand at home when reading the paper or anything else. He put them on and glanced at what she was doing.
"This looks very technical," he said as he just looked around at her piles.
"It is, and I have to say, I'm not sure I've seen you much in glasses, have I?" she asked, almost hiding a smile. He pulled them off, and she put her hand on his arm, "I didn't say they looked bad on you. It's just a different look. I mean," she gestured to herself, "I have worn my glasses most of my life."
"Great," he slightly chuckled, "so, if Hannah has bad eyes, it's your fault. My glasses are the result of getting older."
She slightly rolled her eyes, and she finally just sat back, crossing her arms. He glanced at her, and he had to look away again, his attention drawn to her robe and pajamas under it. He looked up and found her looking at him.
"So, why can't you sleep?" he asked, hoping to change the subject.
"I just have a lot on my mind," she said as she started to gather up her paperwork. "I suppose I'm done here. I know the details of this in my sleep, which is ironic because I can't sleep," she sighed. "I think I'll try to sleep a little before Hannah gets up for the morning."
"You know," he told her and continued, "I would have put Hannah in my room, still will, if that will help you."
"It's not that," she shook her head. She looked at Andy, "She's sleeping just fine. I need to try and do the same."
"If you need to talk, I'll listen," he told her.
"You know what," she said as she paused. She had finished stacking her paperwork and turned back to him, crossing her arms as she did. That only created more of a distraction for Andy as he tried not to stare at her. "I do have something on my mind and maybe you can help with it."
"Okay, sure," Andy nodded. He sat back in his chair, trying to get comfortable. "I'll be glad to listen."
"It's not as much listening, but I want to ask you about something, and I'm not sure how to start," she said. Her eyes met his, and they looked at each other while the silence settled on them. Finally, she just blurted out at him, "Do you not find me enough anymore? Is it, are you," she shook her head and continued, "do I no longer turn you on? Andy," she let out a very long, frustrated sigh, "our arrangement was good, was working," she made a face as she tried to explain. "I thought after my mother's funeral, after we slept together again, that you and I were back on the same page with all that, that maybe we could continue our arrangement. I was so frustrated when you came to Flagstaff this last trip, and then, tonight, I thought that staying here, we'd have that time to be, to be," she looked to the ceiling, "to help each other relax, to-" she closed her eyes.
"You thought you'd have your way with me on this trip," he stated, in a nod as he listened to her. "You thought that would just continue, that after your mom died, it was nothing more than a stress reliever, an arrangement as you said. Well," he waited for her to look at him. It took a few moments before she looked at him, but she finally did, "I've told you I'm too invested now. I don't know how many times I'm going to have to say it for you to believe it or understand it, but I am. I'm invested, Sharon. I've told you that doesn't just mean the money. I care too much. Sharon, I can't be that guy, the jerk, the guy who just shows up to," he paused and thought a moment, "I need to say this in a better way because I was just about to sound crude, so I can't be the guy who shows up to see my kid and spend a couple hours each visit sleeping with my kid's mom. I don't want that, I mean, I do, but I can't do that. Are you seriously asking about you? You are so hot, so hot," he shook his head. "You have no idea the amount of restraint I'm trying to show. Provenza, he's called me over and over tonight just to keep me on track and make sure I wasn't taking you to bed." Sharon's eyes rose in surprise, and Andy nodded. "Oh, it's true. I can barely keep my hands to myself. I want you so much; you have no idea. What started as a good time, a time to cure boredom and enjoy a horrible work mess, turned into way more for me, and I don't just mean Hannah. I can't do halfway here. I can't be a jerk. I can't sleep around with you every other weekend or whatever we might discuss for seeing Hannah. I can't tell Hannah when she's 10, 'Hey, kiddo, give me an hour with your mom. We need to go mess around, okay?' because that's horrible. It's awful to you and to her. I'm struggling with everything, and you, Sharon, are smack in the middle of it. Attraction is not the problem; actually," he sighed and continued, "it's all of the problem. I just don't know how to fix it. You don't trust me. I don't know if and when you ever will, and that's not even what I'm completely talking about here. Trust doesn't equal a roll in the hay. It's a step, but I just don't know. I respect you too much to use you, and that's what it feels like anymore with me. I care too much for things to just be a roll in the sack," he shook his head and sighed.
The table was silent, and Andy finally gestured with his hand, "Bottom line-I can't be the dirt bag sleeping with my kid's mom every chance I get just to have some fun. I'm in deeper than that, and it's only messing with you, which isn't good because you don't trust me and see me only as your toy."
Her eyes widened at that, and she shook her head, wiping a tear as she did so.
"The stakes are too high, Sharon. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met. You know that, even if you don't want to admit it now. It was different when we started all of this. It was like an arrangement, an agreement, almost like a contract. It was the typical, 'Wham, bam' junk, and you know it. It's changed; it's been changing. This last time, in Phoenix," he sighed and shook his head again, "I felt it, that it was different. It was different, and I think it was for you too. It wasn't just the grief, but it was different. You and I connected like we haven't before. You have to admit it felt different. There was more there."
Sharon put her elbows on the table and ran her hands through her hair. Andy heard her take a deep breath, and then, she looked over at him. She shifted, and again, he had to take his focus off her clothing and keep his attention on her. "I'm not denying something is different," she finally said. "I just don't know what it is. I've been trying to figure it out, and I've been so stuck in my head, thinking that you were finally seeing how unattractive I feel, that the difference was you weren't interested in me because of my appearance. I made it all about me. I am seeing you differently than I was, and what I think I am starting to realize is that my thoughts are muddled. I see you in a different light with Hannah. I have been seeing that change for quite some time, and my problem is finding the balance. I am trying to sort through my feelings about you with Hannah and about you with me. I felt like you only saw me now as Hannah's mother, the woman who carried three babies, and that now, you aren't interested."
Andy raised an eyebrow at her, as her fingers played with the edge of the folder in front of her, a nervous habit. Andy opened his mouth to speak, but before he did, he paused, trying to find the right words, "I am more attracted to you because you are Hannah's mother, if that's possible. You carried our daughter. You have no idea. I see the whole woman, Sharon. The Andy of a cheap fling is gone; I'm not that guy now. This is all such a mess. You have to see, have to admit, we can't continue this without some clarity."
She looked away, but she nodded at him. Finally, she put her hands on the table and stood, looking at Andy.
"Thank you for telling me. I just want to be desired, I suppose, and I could feel like that for brief moments when we were together. I haven't felt like any man has wanted me for a long time, and I even question if Jack ever really did. Now, I hate how I look and felt like those times with you, it didn't matter. The focus was not on just an appearance. I just needed a release, freedom, something," she shook her head. "That sounds like someone who can't be alone, but I can. I just," she shook her head. "I can't trust." She nodded as she said it. "I've spent a long time alone, with people breaking that trust. This was all just supposed to be simple," she waved her hand. "It was supposed to be safe, easy," she shook her head. "Somewhere along the way, it stopped being simple and easy until I thought it could be again. I wanted to get back to that, was hoping we could get back to that, and I thought after Phoenix, we were there. I thought we could just use these trips for that. I'm sorry. Yes, life is short. That hit me in the face when I lost my mom, and I just wanted to," she paused, trying to find her wording. "I'm not sure what I wanted, what I want anymore. I don't know what to say; I'm sorting through so much. In the last year, I've had an unexpected pregnancy change my life, have moved, have adjusted to a new job, have been raising a baby on my own, and now, I've lost my mother. It's just a lot. I think I will go back to bed and rest until Hannah gets up."
Andy reached over and put his hand on hers as she was about to pull it from the table. She looked at his hand and then at him as he stood. He gave her a slight shake of his head, but he didn't take his hand off of hers. He stepped toward her, "Do not doubt the desire I have for you. It's that and so much more. I can't make you trust me, but I hope you can and will. This isn't all just about Hannah. It's not some way to keep Hannah close to me through you. I care about you deeply, Sharon, more than I ever imagined, and I'm going to keep telling you that until you believe it. I think, deep down, you have some of the same feelings, but nothing is going to change overnight. She looked down and away from him. He squeezed her hand and put his other hand on her face, looking at her. When she looked at him, he leaned in slowly until his lips were on hers. She stepped toward him, and the two stood there in a long, lazy kiss, while the silence filled the house. He heard her whimper slightly and then pulled back from her just enough to look at her. "That is to let you know how much I feel for you. I hope that kiss conveyed just a small amount of what I feel. I've put it out there for you, and I need to just leave you with that. The desire is there. If I was my old, idiotic self, I'd carry you into my bedroom and not come out for days. Then, I'd walk out, a huge grin on my face and not look back. We both tried that, over and over and over. Somewhere along the way, things changed for me, and I think if you are honest, for you too. You need to figure out what you want, and if it's a guy in your bed on occasion, as you demand, I can't be that guy, not anymore. If I'm being honest here, I want more. I want you in my bed, in my life, you and Hannah, but it can't be for a couple hours during a visit. It just can't. If you need a guy you can kick out of your bed at a moment's notice, I'm no longer available, and I really think if you are honest, that's not what you want, not anymore, not from me.
Sharon's eyes scanned his, trying to find the words to say anything back to him. Finally, she cleared her throat, "Thank you for being honest with me," she said, her eyes trying to read his. She gave a slight shake of her head, "I just don't know anymore. I don't know."
He looked down slightly and nodded before he stepped away from her, his hand still on hers there on the table, intertwined with hers. He squeezed it, "Life is short, Sharon. You know that, but I can't force something that isn't there."
She gave a nod, "I think I should get ready for the day," she cleared her throat again. "I have a lot on my mind, and I need to do what I came here to do. It's still early; try to get some rest," she gave him a half smile and then pulled her hand from his. She collected her paperwork and started down the hall. Andy put his hand on the chair to support himself as he sighed. He'd done what he needed to do on her trip. He'd put it out there for her again. Somehow, he was having to do this over and over, almost as if Sharon didn't believe his intentions. He'd keep telling her if she didn't believe it. Oh, it was hard to see her walk away. He wasn't lying in that all he wanted to do was take her to bed, but that wasn't good for the situation right now. Sure, it would fulfill an instant want and need, but ultimately, he wanted and needed Sharon and Hannah in his life for good.