I said goodbye to Fergus alongside everyone. If only I knew I would never see them again, their'd be so many things I'd say. I remember Oriana said she felt her heart was "disquiet." The rest of us kidded ourselves and put on brave faces. Were Couslands, it's what we do best.
I know mother felt the same thing. We talked just before we all said goodbye to Fergus. She told me that I was her darling girl and she loved me. I think she knew deep down that things would never be the same. I guess us women just have that sense.
Father and I talked. He said he was proud of me. He said that he trusted me. That I had grown into a sensible woman. And I repaid his trust by getting drunk and taking his second into my bed. Poor Dairen. He didn't deserve the fate that befell him.
The bastards struck while we slept. They would have slain me but Griffon heard the sounds of their slaughter and woke me. When I first saw the heraldry on their shields I couldn't believe it. Those were Howe's men. I always knew Arl Rendon was a no good corrupt snake. But I could never believe he could do something like this. My father was his best friend. By all accounts his only friend. For anyone to even think of doing something it just. it just. It makes me question if this whole world doesn't deserve to be consumed by the blight.
Mother found me in the halls. I was cut up after having slain the three who were signed to slay me. I saw the look in their eyes as they died. It gave me a horrible sort of satisfaction.
She tended my wounds. I might have died if not for her. One more thing to be thankful for.
We found Oriana and Oren dead in their rooms. Butchered. One of Howe's men was dead to. Oriana must have slain him. Howe used to said all sorts of vile things about her. Called her a foreign whore. Said she'd "soften" Fergus and lead to a generation of "halfbreed" Couslands. Well she managed to kill one of his goons with nothing but a kitchen knife and the determination to defend her son. She was so much better than Howe. She shouldn't have died like this.
I remember hearing Oren say he couldn't wait to see a real "sward" up close. The truly terrible thing is that I hope he'd died first. That would mean Orinana had to watch her boy die right in front of her, that must have broken her, but at least Oren wouldn't have to faced the end alone in their with those monsters. Maker imagine how scared they were. How they must have felt. Alone in that room with those Howe beasts coming at them. Did they die wondering why Auntie Elissa had deserted them? I used to hate being called that, it made me feel old. Stupid Stupid me.
I'll try to remember them as they were. Oren was such a sweet excitable little lad. I failed him. I failed them all. Howe will die for this.
After that we cut our way out from the tower. Most of it's a blur, but I remember the feel of my blade slicing off a knight's head as I danced around him. I think that might have been Captain Lowan. He knew me as a girl how could he let such a thing happen.
The fires. The screams of death. The blood. It was everywhere. I managed to rally some of the servants to the fight. Unlike some they remembered how good father and been to them. Maybe when all this is done they aught to throw Howe's in gheto's to be terrorized by up jumped bullies. The elves of Highover acquitted themselves well. Just as well as the men. I feel like I need to say that so it is not forgotten.
Our people fought hard. We managed to kill most of the assassins Howe had sneaked into the inner keep. Mother thought knew we could not hold. We managed to get to the treasure and rescue the Cousland Family sword and the Sheild of Highover. That is the blade I will take Arl Howe's head off with. This I swear by the maker and on the graves of everyone who died that day.
Their was this Mage in the grand hall. I will always remember how the lightning leapt out right in front of me. It was a miracle that I was able to dodge it. She tried to run, but I caught up with her and stabbed her in the back. She pleaded for mercy. Just like I'm sure Oren did.
Sir Gilmore rallied the rest of the lads to hold the gates. They barred them and held them till we could escape. Till I could escape. That brave fool loved me. I see that now. I didn't deserve any of it.
I found Nan's corpse just outside the door of the Larder. Both of the women who raised me are dead.
Father was by the escape tunnel. Cut up, lying in a puddle of his own blood. He thought only of us. He said he couldn't stand. When I said we'd have to drag him out he joked that we'd leave peaces of him behind. Even at the verge of death my father could find humor.
The only reason he lived that long was because Duncan had fought by my father's side and brought him to safety. But he is one man I will not thank.
Father begged him to take me and mother to safety. I would rather have stayed their and died at my post. With my family. But it was father's will. The bastard would only fulfill my dying father's last wish in exchange for a soldier. The mercurial fuck. What vile sort of man bargains with a man on his deathbed I do not know. Father wanted me to join. He said we do our duty first. But I wouldn't hear of it. Duncan had to invoke the right of conscription. He saved my life. I am not thankful.
Mother would not leave. She stayed to defend Father to the last. I tried to convince her otherwise. But the gates came down. Duncan ordered me off and I just left them. Now that I think about it, it almost seems like I finally, in that moment, accepted that they wanted me to go and that I should go.
It feels good to write this down. Let all those feeling spill out. I think I'm going to be alright. I may not be able to thank Duncan for saving my life. But I can thank him for this. And I guess that's a start.