Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.
Dear Voldemort,
I am extremely bored and I really wish that Hogwarts was not a castle, but a giant swimming pool.
Yesterday Hermione and I built a fort out books in the library an it was really awesome until Umbridge saw it and gave me detention which sucked.
Hermione says we should get a dragon to eat Umbridge and I agree, but Ron says we should let her be eaten by werewolves, which I also agree so I'm slightly torn about what should eat Umbridge.
Did I ever tell you that I like drawing robots I'm pretty sure I have told you before.
Harry Potter.
Dear Potter,
Why is that you feel need to write to me about utter nonsense?. Surely you can find something more interesting like maybe I don't go build a mountain out of glitter or annoy someone who isn't me.
Also, your friend Granger keeps sending threats that make no sense to my Death Eaters please tell her to stop and also ask how she intends to make everyone who isn't her eat trolls snot.
If you do have to annoy someone associated with me annoy Lucius because I'm sure he will do something to annoy me very soon.
The Dark Lord.
Dear Voldemort,
I like writing to you it soothes me and I very happy to annoy Lucius as I nearly died, my second year because of that jerk and you of course.
But I know your trying to kill me days are over because we are now friends.
Hermione says she'll write to you herself how she intends to make everyone eat trolls snot. She also says she won't stop sending threats that make no sense to your Death Eaters.
She says that writing threats that make no sense to people she doesn't like is her hobby.
Harry Potter.
Dear Voldemort,
You asked Harry to ask me how I intend to make everyone eat trolls snot and my answer is that it's none of your business.
Also, why do psychics ask people what their names are they are supposed to be psychics shouldn't they already know people's names.
It makes me doubt they are really psychic.
I'm also very hungry right now I really want some ice cream.
I think it'd be really awesome if you just suddenly declared you wanted to give up being a Dark Lord and decided you wanted to move to the moon too breed sheep.
Hermione Granger.
Dear Granger,
I find, difficult to choose who is more insane you or Potter. I do find it strange that the adults around you have not tried to seek some sort of professional help for the pair of you, but then again everyone in the wizarding world is good about being in denial about what's going on around them, maybe that is what's happening to adults around you.
It also shocks me that I keep losing to you people when I am clearly more intelligent and more powerful.
The Dark Lord.
Dear Voldemort,
Hermione and Harry both equally insane, I however am only slightly insane.
Ron Weasley.
Dear Voldemort,
I just built a glitter mountain in the Great Hall and I am amazed that no one stopped me doing it, then again,it could be that it is the middle of the night and no one is around to stop me.
The glitter is red and gold, both Ron and Hermione helped me build the glitter mountain and it was really fun to build.
I really hope that everyone likes it as much as I do.
Harry Potter.
Dear Voldemort,
The reason you keep losing against us is because we have a secret weapon, pineapples.
Harry is very upset because everyone didn't love the glitter mountain we built so he's going to build a mountain out of cheese.
I am very sleepy, I think iit'sbecause I was awake half the night building a glitter mountain.
Hermione Granger.
Dear Lucius,
Hogwarts has ghosts and I like ice cream.
Hermione Granger.
Dear Potter,
I really don't care.
The Dark Lord
Dear Weasley,
I agree with you.
The Dark Lord.
Dear Granger,
You are really annoying and once again I do not care about the things you do or the things Potter does.
The Dark Lord.
Dear Granger,
I was already aware there are ghosts at Hogwarts and do not care that you like ice cream.
The only thing I care about is the fact I am forced to reply to you and the rest of your moronic friends.
I also care about the fact that my sister in law wants to kill me and the Dark Lord does nothing to stop her. Just because she went to Azkaban for him she's his favourite well she was his favourite before then.
Lucius Malfoy.
Dear Lucius,
Well, maybe if you hadn't denied that you were willingly a Death Eater then Voldemort would be more concerned if you died or not.
I mean, if I were Voldemort my feelings would be really hurt.
Hermione- I am awesome- Granger.
Dear Lucius,
It is I the awesome Harry Potter leader of the pineapples.
I made a glitter mountain and people didn't like it, I built a cheese mountain people don't like that either.
People are mean about the things I build.
Harry Potter.
Dear Granger and Potter,
First off I did not deny I was willingly a Death Eater I just lied through my teeth and bribed a bunch of people to avoid going to Azkaban.
Secondly, why are you not in class learning things instead of building glitter and cheese mountains. Don't you ever do any school work because from what I've heard from Draco you seem to spend your days doing ridiculous childish things.
Lucius Malfoy.
Dear Lucius,
We would love to learn things, but unfortunately Umbridge has turned Hogwarts into a place were getting an education is impossible.
If Voldemort would just tell everyone that his back, then we could get Umbridge out of here and get a decent Education.
The awesome Harry Potter and Hermione Granger.