Dear Voldemort,
Somebody set loose a bunch of toads in Umbridge's classroom and I immediately got blamed. I mean it was me, but it's hurtful that everyone always blames me.
Anyway, how are you?
I heard you lost your favourite flamingo and you were really sad about it. I hope you're coping with your sadness.
Harry Potter
Dear Brat,
I have far more important things to do than write to you, but Bellatrix is glaring at me right now because Granger wrote to her and said I hadn't replied.
Their weird growing friendship is really freaking me out.
The Dark Lord
Dear Voldy Poo,
I am not a brat, I am an awesome ninja. I think Hermione and Bellatrix are plotting to team up, and conquer the world.
If they do, I hope they make me lord of the pandas.
You ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you my dream job is lord of the pandas. My second dream is job is being a soul collector for the Grim Reaper who is called Bob McBob Apple.
Anyway, enough about me, it's time to talk about what happened to Ron in the year 2099. He ate a pineapple and it gave him superpowers.
Lord of the Pandas Potter
Dear Voldemort,
Did Harry tell you that I have superpowers now?
He said he did, but he also he said that he was going to tell Dumbledore about the screechy fish vampires and he didn't do it.
Which, if he had then the owl and turtle war could have been avoided.
Anyhow, I must dash I have to go use my new powers to destroy the sweetcorn Demi god.
Ron- I have awesome powers - Weasley
Dear Voldemort,
I like sandwiches on Monday, but never on a Sunday because Sunday's are evil. It's the most evil day of the week. Anyone who says it isn't is a lying toad snogging poop eater.
I saw a bird today that looked like a frog. Actually, I think it might have been a frog, but we will never know for sure.
You know it'd be really cool if you and Harry sung about chickens together the next time you meet.
I like chocolate chip cookies and mustard.
Bye.
Hermione.
Dear Brat, Red haired brat, Miss Granger,
I really don't care about any of the tripe you waffle on about in your letters. Yet you will continue to write to me anyway.
Couldn't you just annoy my Death Eaters with your prattle tomorrow. I mean they hate your letters more than I do.
The Dark Lord.