Stan sighs, "Aw, come on, what's with all this traffic? And why is it all...covered wagons?" He starts to panic, "Oh no! No! No! Not today! Not today!"
A few women gasp in the presence of him nearly running them over. He backs up, and begins to drive the car backwards.
"Grunkle Stan, what's going on?" Dipper asked.
Stan keeps panicking, "We gotta get outta here. Before it's too late! They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! Nooooooooo!"
"I've gotta good feeling about today," Mabel looks out her window at a cow.
The twins, Will, and Stan get out of the car and walk around an old fashioned-looking Main Street.
"Man. Look at the town," Dipper sighed.
Stan sighs, "Ah, boy. It's Pioneer Day. Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded."
"Welcome to 1863!" Toby smiles, walking over to them.
Will frowns, "1863? Wasn't that 8 years ago, or something?"
"Uh... Will, it's 2012," Mabel tells him.
Stan growled, "I will break you, little man!"
"Ahh!" Toby screams, running away and crashes into a barrel.
"Wow! Look! Candle dipping!" Mabel points at people candle dipping.
Dipper gasps, looking at the people panning for gold, "Whoa, gold panning!"
"Come one and all for the opening ceremonies!"
"Grunkle Stan, you coming?" Mabel asked.
Stan shakes his head, "No, thank you! Just remember if you come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me."
"There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!" Dipper shouts.
Mabel shouts, "Well hornswabber my haversack!"
Dipper and Mabel spit on ground and run off, laughing.
Stan shouts at them, "You're dead to me!"
A crowd assembles around a large stage.
Pacifica comes on stage and taps a microphone, "Howdy, everyone! You all know me, Pacifica Northwest, great-great granddaughter of town-founder, Nathaniel Northwest. I'm also very rich."
The crowd applauds.
Pacifica smiled, "Now if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you come on up and introduce yourself."
"Audience participation!" Mabel gasped.
Dipper frowns, "I don't know, Mabel. Isn't that girl kinda like your arch-enemy?"
"That's water under the bridge," Mabel laughs and runs onstage.
Pacifica smiled, "Our first newcomer is..." She frowns, "Ugh... Mabel..."
"Yeah! Let's get this Pioneer Day started! Right guys? USA! USA!" Mabel smiled.
Crowd starts to chant, "USA! USA!"
"I'm sorry to break it to you, but Pioneer Day is for serious people, and you look and act ridiculous." Pacifica looks down at Mabel's sweater, "I mean, a puppy playing basketball? Are you always this silly?"
Mabel grins, "Hey, I can be serious!"
"You do have nachos hanging from your ears, hon," Pacifica smirked.
Mabel touches her nacho earrings and blushes.
Pacifica laughs, "Haha, wow, I'm embarrassed for you. Give her a hand everybody!"
Crowd applauds and Dipper looks worried.
Mabel sadly walks off of the stage.
Pacifica smirked, "Now who wants to hear more about me?"
Pacifica, the Northwest Family lines up for a photo, "Everyone say Northwest!"
Northwest Family, "Northwest!"
Camera clicks, taking picture.
Pacifica laughs, "We're perfect."
Dipper asked, "Hey, you okay?"
"I need some old-timey butterscotch..." Mabel frowns.
"Dipper? Will? Can I ask you guys something? Do you think I'm silly?" Mabel asked.
Dipper frowned, "Uh, nnnoooo?"
"Mabel... just because Llama says your silly, doesn't mean you are," Will smiled.
Mabel shouted, "I knew it! The nacho earrings, the sweater. I thought I was being charming, but I guess people see me as a big joke."
She throws off her nacho earrings, takes off her sweater, and ties her sweater around her waist.
Dipper frowned, "C'mon, Mabel, you love that sweater!"
"I did before Pacifica ruined it for me. She ruins everything!" Mabel shouted.
Dipper glares up at the statue, "Pacifica! Why does she think that being related to the town founder means she can treat everyone like garbage. Someone needs to take her down a peg." He gasped, "Wait a minute! I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great grandfather before." He opens Journal 3, "Of course! Oh, this is perfect. 'In my investigations I recently made a discovery. Nathaniel Northwest may not be the true founder of Gravity Falls! I believe this secret is emburied somewhere on the enclosed document. If only I could crack the code'." He opens the document, revealing a complex series of letters, symbols and words, "Oh, man! If this cover-up is true, it means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud. This could be a major conspiracy!"
"Really?" Mabel smiled.
Dipper nodded, "I got to investigate this!"
"Wait! I'm coming with you. Conspiracies are serious, right?" Mabel asked.
Will bit his lip, "It depends on what it's about..."
"Oh yeah, definitely," Dipper smiled.
Mabel smiled, "Well, if I help you crack this code, then nobody could call me silly again!"
"Yeah! Mystery twins?" Dipper asked.
Mabel laughed, "I thought you hated that."
"I'm starting to accept it," Dipper admitted.
Dipper and Mabel fist bump and run off. Will just sits by the statue, watching them go. He sighs.
Dipper grinned, "Alright, Mabel, if we can prove Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the real founder of Gravity Falls, it will finally put Pacifica in her place."
"And solving a mystery will prove that I'm not silly. I'm serious. Seeeeriousss..." Mabel smiled.
Dipper places some slides into a projector, and sighs, "We just need to crack this code. Let me see... it's not Egyptian, it's not numerology, it's not, wait-of course! The triangle is the alchemist symbol for flame. Lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message!"
"It's so obvious!" Mabel smiled.
Dipper smiled, "Alright, let's just light this sucker up and- Mabel!"
Mabel , nowwearing a hat she made out of the document, grins, "Mwop! I just made a hat. Ugh, I just did something silly again."
"Wait, Mabel. You folded it into a map! And I was gonna burn it..." Dipper frowned.
Mabel smiled, taking the 'hat' off her head, "This map should lead us to... The Gravity Falls Museum of History."
"What are we gonna do next, steal Thomas Jefferson's rib cage?" Mabel asked.
Dipper shook his head, "Ewww, no. According to the map, the next clue about the real town founder should be right... here!"
A triangular exhibition piece is mounted on the wall.
Dipper sighed, "We've gotta figure this one out quick, I have a feeling those cops weren't at the library to check out books..."
"I don't think the one with the bell can read..." Mabel smiled.
Dipper asked, "So what is it anyway?"
The twins analyze the exhibit. Mabel gets bored and walks over to a bench to sit down.
Mabel walked over to a bench and sits down, turning upside-down on the bench, shouting, "Hey painting, be less stupid!" She gasped, "It worked!"
"Huh?" He runs over and lays upside-down on the bench, "Wait! It's not abstract, it's upside-down!"
Mabel smiled, "I think I've seen that statue at the cemetery."
"Let's go! Quick!"
Dipper is looking at the statue that is pointing off in the distance, "Ah... The statue must be pointing to the next clue." He looks in direction statue is pointing, but then turns back when Mabel speaks up.
Mabel laughs, the finger of the statue sticking in her nose, "Oh, gross! She's picking my nose! Ha ha!"
The tip of the statue's finger bends upward, opening a secret door in the grave.
"Ha! Who's silly now, Pacifica? Bam! Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode. I feel serious," Mabel laughed.
Mabel gasps, "It's a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things! She picks up a top-secret document. The first page is about the secret of Abraham Lincoln's hat, and shows a picture of Lincoln in his top hat in one picture, and him without his top hat, with a hand sticking out of the top of his head, in the other. Mabel looks at the next page, where there is a picture of Benjamin Franklin wearing earrings, and the sub-caption says that he was secretly a woman, "Oh, man! Ben Franklin secretly was a woman!"
Dipper smiled, finding and picking up a document titled 'Northwest Cover-up', "Hey, jackpot! Now we'll find out who the real town founder was! 'Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was, in fact, a fraud...as well as a waste-shoveling village idiot'? Oh, bad news for Pacifica. Wait'll the papers hear about this!"
"Once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, they can never call me silly!" Mabel smiled.
Dipper reads from the document, " 'The true founder of Gravity Falls was sir lord, Quentin Trembley, III, Esquire'."
"Who's Quentin Trembley?" Mabel asked.
They find a tape, and put into the tape player.
"If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as the filming is complete. What? No? Ho! Well, that's a relief! Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley: The eighth-and-a-half president of the United States."
"President?" Dipper asked.
Mabel was confused, "Eighth-and-a-half?"
"After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, Quentin Trembley quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president.
He waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the supreme court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation. His state of the union speech was even worse. He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed. Trembley's shameful term was erased from history and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as President and local nobody Nathaniel Northwest as founder of Gravity Falls. The whereabouts of president Trembley's body are unknown."
The two look at Quentin Trembley, who is encased in an amber-colored rectangle.
"Whoa! Is that, like, amber or something?" Dipper asked.
Mabel takes her finger, touches the casing, before licking it, "Nope! It's peanut brittle!"
Mabel eats piece of peanut brittle, breaking the block and freeing Trembley.
"It is I, Quentin Trembley!" He rips off his pants.
Dipper yelps, "You're alive! But how?"
"Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties! You're not silly, you're brilliant!" Mabel gasped.
He smiled, "And so are you, dear girl, for following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!"
"He's right! Making maps into hats, hanging upside-down; Your silliness solved the code that serious cops couldn't crack in a hundred years!" Dipper gasped.
Trembley gets to a knee and looks at Mabel, "You've done a great service to your country, Mabel. As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U.S. congressman."
He unfolds a black top-hat and hands it to Mabel.
Mabel puts the hat on, "I'm legalizing everything!"
"You dear boy are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So I'd like you to have my President's Key!"
Mabel smiled, "Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth-and-a-half president of the United States! Who's silly now? Well, turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle and it-"
Pacifica burst out into laughter, "Wow! You really are a sad, dumb little girl. Nice top hat, by the way."
Preston and Priscilla Northwest laugh mockingly.
Preston Northwest laughs, "Good one, daughter."
Pacifica laughs, "Ooh! I see your car is stuck in the mud." She gets into a sedan, "Enjoy walking home!"
"Aren't you gonna tell her about her ate-gray ampa-gray?"
Mabel smiled, "You know what, Dipper? I've got nothing to prove. I've learned to see silly as awesome!"
"Well, I haven't learned anything! Hey, Pacifica!" Dipper runs to the Northwests' sedan. The car stops and Dipper hands Pacifica the documents on the Northwest cover-up through the window.
Dipper smiled, "Nathaniel Northwest didn't found Gravity Falls, and your whole family is a sham. Deal with it!"
Car drives away, and Pacifica looks out the back window, shocked.
Pacifica screams, "What?! Moooom!"
Dipper smiled, "Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!"
Stan is telling the twins, and Will, the story of his imprisonment, "-and then Soos came by and talked to me for like, an hour."
Mabel sighs, "You've been through so much."
Dipper uses the President's key to unlock the lock on the stocks and freeing Stan, "It works!"
"So... what's with the top hat?" Stan asked.
Mabel smiled, "I am a congressman."
"Pardon me?" Stan asked, confused.
Mabel smiled, "You are officially pardoned."
Dipper and Mabel laugh, to Stan's befuddlement.
"Oy! You a never gonna make sense, are you, kid?" Stan asked.
Mabel smiled, "Never!"
"Oh, and... you two?" Will smiled.
The twins look at him, "What?"
"I already knew about the Northwest conspiracy," He grinned.
Mabel pouted, "Why didn't you tell us?"
"You didn't ask."
A/N: Please leave a review! Reviews are the only thing that truly tell me that people are reading my story, and that i should continue! - K.