The Private Chef Max

by ya-fic

What if Fran was the rich one with kids and Maxwell was the underdog looking for a job? What if Niles was the Broadway producer and C.C. was the maid? When a chandelier falls on Fran and Maxwell, the knock to the head has them dreaming of just that scenario. This story is script style and meant to mimic an episode of the show. Please share your feedback!

2. Act I

ACT I

FADE IN:

EXT. FINE MANSION - ESTABLISHING - DAY

Looks the same as always, but...

INT. DINING ROOM - DAY

Fran sits at the head of the table reading the funnies.
She's fully dressed and looks normal if not a bit more
polished.

The kids, looking a lot more Queens than usual, sit around
the table. In C.C.'s usual spot sits Niles who is dressed
in a well-tailored black suit.

FRAN
Niles, don't you think it's about
time someone made Family Circus
into a musical?

NILES
Sounds as insane as all your other
ideas... so it should work great.

MAGGIE
Like that time you found out about
the show Andrew Lloyd Weber passed
on a decade before and insisted on
producing it.

GRACE
Who would have thought a show
about a bunch of kitty cats would
do so well.

FRAN
Your. Mother. That's who.

NILES
The future creative genius behind
"Family Circus: the Musical." I'll
put the feelers out for some
backers today.

FRAN
Perfect. You know, I can't imagine
a better pair of producers than
us. You, the retired Broadway
superstar and playwright, and me,
the tragically-single, Powerball
winner with money to burn.

NILES
Yes, how fortunate we came into
each other's lives when you bought
this house from me two years ago.

GRACE
I can't believe we didn't change
anything. I mean, look at this
place. Oy, it's so stuffy.

NILES
I can't believe you kept the maid.
Honestly, the whole reason I was
selling the place was to get rid
of her.

C.C., dressed in a maid uniform, enters with boxes of
takeout. She walks slowly around the table as the scene
plays out, tossing a box in front of each of them.

BRIGHTON
Anyone else find it odd how much
we speak in exposition around
here?

MAGGIE
Yeah, I mean, I may as well say
"isn't it so cool that Fran is our
mother?" and "doesn't it suck that
our father, Danny, divorced her to
be with Heather Biblo right before
we won the lottery and got rich?"

GRACE
You could just say we're in an
alternate reality where Fran's the
successful producer, Daddy's the
down-and-out schlub, Niles is rich
and famous-

They all laugh at that. He scowls.

GRACE (CONT'D)
And C.C.'s the maid.

They laugh even louder. C.C. shrugs it off.

C.C.
It's conversations like this that
drove another personal chef into
submitting his resignation.

FRAN
He didn't quit. I fired him. I do
that sometimes.

She gives C.C. a menacing look. C.C., now standing between
Niles and Fran, places the last box of food in front of
Fran, gently and with a smile.

FRAN (CONT'D)
Ya could just cook for us
yourself, ya know.

NILES
Oh, Fran, please. I'm not ready to
die. I'm too young.

C.C.
And that, that right there? That's
why you have a Tony. Those acting
chops. Oh, wait...
(leans in to look at
him)
Those are jowls.
(she laughs)
"Too young," give me a break.

She chuckles again and starts for the kitchen.

NILES
You've been on one since I've
known you!

C.C.
See you in five...

C.C. taps her watch then exits.

NILES
Are you really considering firing
that vile woman? Finally?

FRAN
Aw, Niles, you know I would never
do that to you.

She gives him a little wink. He picks up a fork and starts
to eat, smiling to himself.

The doorbell rings. Everyone looks around.

BRIGHTON
I'm guessing it's going to be the
schlub Gracie was talking about.

EVERYONE
Oh...

FRAN
Well, let's go check him out.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE WHILE LATER

A cute butt bent over. We zoom out to find the butt
attached to Maxwell, dressed in khakis and a baggy polo
shirt-much less classy than normal. He plugs in a hose and
then stands back up, holding the nozzle.

Fran and the kids sit on the couch, Niles stands behind the
couch.

FRAN
Uh huh, uh huh. I see. And could
you show me one more time how you
detach the hose.

MAXWELL
Of course, ma'am. I'll be glad to
demonstrate... a seventh time.

He turns back around, bending over. Fran tilts her head to
follow the bend. She smiles.

BRIGHTON
(quietly to Fran)
Is this really necessary?

C.C. enters and takes a place next to Niles.

FRAN
What? I'm gonna buy the vacuum...
and all the accessories. I need to
know exactly how it... works.

Fran bites her lip.

C.C.
You don't even know how to work
the vacuum we have now.

FRAN
Oooh, maybe we can get him to show
us that next.

NILES
You do know the salesman isn't
included in the package?

FRAN
He said "everything you see before
you just $149.99."

Maxwell pops back up with both ends of the hose in his
hands.

FRAN (CONT'D)
Oh, very good. Very good.

She claps.

C.C.
It's not a magic trick. I do that
every day.

Niles looks at her out of the corner of his eye.

C.C. (CONT'D)
Okay, every week.

He turns his head to her.

C.C. (CONT'D)
Okay, every month.
He arches an eyebrow.

C.C. (CONT'D)
Okay, I don't know how to work the
vacuum we have now either.

Niles nods, satisfied.

MAXWELL
So, what do you say, ma'am?

He walks toward her. The others go over to check out the
vacuum as Fran stands to talk to Maxwell.

FRAN
Well, first, I say, you should
stop calling me ma'am.

MAXWELL
Of course, Miss...

FRAN
Fine. Fran Fine. Pleasure.

She puts her hand out to shake.

MAXWELL
I'm Max Sheffield and I can assure
you, Miss Fine, if you decide to
purchase this vacuum, then the
pleasure's all...

He takes her hand to shake, but the contact makes him lose
his words. He stares at her. She stares back.

MAXWELL (CONT'D)
Mine. The pleasure's mine.

He releases her hand.

FRAN
(to herself as she fans
herself with her hand)
Hundred percent disagreeing with
that.
(to Maxwell)
We'll take two.

MAXWELL
Oh, well, I only have the one with
me.

FRAN
Oh, really? I had no idea you
could only schlep one of these
babies from door to door to door.

He tilts his head.

MAXWELL
I'll have to come back later with
the second one.

FRAN
In that case, Mr. Sheffield, it
sounds like I'll be seeing ya
later.

He smiles, enamored with her.

MAXWELL
Yes, Miss Fine... you most
certainly will.

He gives her a shy smile then walks back toward the vacuum.
Grace and Maggie come over as Maxwell shows off some more
vacuum features to the others.

FRAN
Wow, is he adorable or what?

Grace and Maggie trade an uncertain look.

MAGGIE
I don't know. He looks like a-

GRACE
Daddy.

They look at her, confused.

GRACE (CONT'D)
Alternate universe Daddy?

They glance at each other then back at Maxwell.

FRAN
I don't see it.

MAGGIE
I was going to say he looks like a
shlemiel.

Maxwell drops several of the parts all over the floor.

FRAN
Now, that, I see.

He bends over to pick everything up, again exposing his
backside once again.

FRAN (CONT'D)
But who's complaining?

Everyone within earshot shakes their disapproving head.

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF ACT