~All by myself
Don't want to live, all by myself anymore
Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure~
- Eric Carmen

I woke up the next day feeling warmer than usual.

And that was definitely not something that I was used to. Maybe I had slept through all of winter and summertime had finally arrived.

But when I felt the frost bite into my skin in other places I knew that that was just wishful thinking on my side. However, that made me wonder even more, why my right side felt way hotter than my other did.

Don't get me wrong. I welcomed any additional heat, you can't even imagine how much.

And yet, something was extremely off.

A gust of wind blew into my ear every few seconds and something hard, and at the same time so soft, touched my shoulder and the side of my cheek.

Another oddity.

I slowly opened my eyes and closed them shortly after I had opened them.

I was blinded by the morning sun that came from the opening of the alley and tried to shield my eyes from the disturbing exposure of light.

After my fight with my blinking eyes had been over, I started looking around and saw the same surrounding I woke up to every single day. Dirty trash bins lined along the opposite wall, that were the reason why this place smelled like rotten food. Rats that were running around and enjoying their lives. Flies that were attracted by the smell of the dirt.

But finding the odd one out was proven to be easy, when I looked down my body and saw a jungle of bronze colored curls, tickling the side of my face and brushing my shoulder.

I was frozen in place.

Over this night of sleep, I had forgotten the events of last night and didn't know what I was supposed to do now.

I never really knew how to deal with new things.

My body was betraying me and gave out many different confusing signals.

My intuition led me to believe, that I should move away from him as far as I could. After all, I didn't know him.

What made me accept him coming closer yesterday, again? I had acted like a whole different person. Not like me at all. At all.

I knew that I was possibly in danger and that touch was bad. I had shown him to not get anywhere nearer to me by my actions yesterday, didn't I?

I had made myself clear. I knew I did.

He must have seen the fright in my eyes. The way my body automatically reacted to the sense of intrusion and unusual feeling.

The feeling of touch had become a distant memory since time had passed. It had become a longing and a dread at the same time. There had been moments in my life, where I would have given anything to have someone hug me, help me see that I indeed existed, that I wasn't invisible to anyone, that I was loved even.

But that time had passed, and the days where I saw touch more as a blessing than a curse were long over. Over time I had experienced that touch should never solemnly be associated with affection. People had mean intentions in this cruel world, they meant to hurt you deeply when you least expected it.

And that's why I decided to move away from Edward and increase the distance between us two. And that was perfectly normal, too. People didn't just let others touch them willingly when they didn't know them, right? At first, I slowly tried to shove his head away. It was better to avoid the risk of waking him up. There was no telling how he would react once he'd be conscious enough.

After my pathetic attempt at gently wiggling from under him, he started to make grunting noises and shifted. After tossing and turning for a while his head fell from my shoulder against the wall between us.

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and sighed a little too loudly for my taste. I was a hundred percent sure that even the slightest sound would wake him up and did everything in my powers to not let it come to that.

After remaining in my position for a little while longer, I slowly began to leave the position that I had stayed in all night long. After struggling in the pain of my left foot for a while, like I did every morning, I finally managed to come to a straight standing position.

I looked at Edward one last time and tried to remember every single detail of his face. He had flawless skin, that was dirty at a place or two but did nothing to disturb his beauty.

I knew that I'd probably never see him again in my life. That him spending the night in an alley was a first for him and that it was a onetime deal. He probably had a home he could return to.

As I said before, he didn't look homeless at all.

But he did mention that he was in need of a job, right?

Nevertheless, I had to leave before he woke up.

I had to leave the first person that ever held a conversation with me willingly. Not that I've talked, but the first person that gave me the feeling, that I was indeed alive and not invisible.

Willing myself to no longer be swallowed by my self-pity, I decided to push away my thoughts again and concentrate on myself and the day, that laid ahead of me.

Now came the worst part of my day.

The long walk to the park a couple of miles from here. That's where I liked to spent most of my useless time.

It wasn't like I did anything important there, or as if anyone was waiting for me. I just liked to sit around and watch all the different people that crossed my way in the mornings. That was a routine for me now. I did this every single day.

I was woken up in my alley by the rats, that got attracted by my smell and the food that could sometimes be found in my backpack. I did my one hour walk, that should have only taken me around fifteen minutes. I usually spent my time in the local park around here and watched people of every age and color. When the sun had reached its highest point I began my walk to the soup kitchen and shelter around here in hopes of some warmth.

I used to sit before the shelter and spent my days there, just to get a place every day. But as I mentioned before, some fellow homeless 'companions' of mine felt the urge to make other people's lives even more miserable to forget about their own unfortunate situation.

Maybe that's just the way they coped with traumas like this. I wouldn't know, but what I knew was that I couldn't stay there any longer.

I learned to only go there, shortly before they started to accept people in now. That way the chances of running into these gangs were lower. It still happened occasionally and what they mostly did, was teasing me for my looks or my smell.

They made it their goal in life to point out every single flaw I had on my body. They made a deal of how ugly my face was. That my eyes were way too big for my skinny face. That my hair looked like it hadn't been washed since I was probably born. That I reeked and that they could smell me from miles away. That they hadn't ever seen someone as disgusting as me in all their lives.

And the sad thing was, that I knew they had it all right. I knew I was ugly. I knew that my eyes were way too big for my skinny face.

They kind of made me look inhuman, like an alien from a different planet, which didn't belong in this world.

I knew that my hair looked like it hadn't been washed because I really didn't wash it n forever.

It was hard to find a place to probably wash my hair. I mostly just used the sinks of public toilets or at the shelter to somewhat free my hair of the grease and dirt it was caked in. But the water never really did the job and after my mop had dried down it looked like it hadn't been washed at all. No difference. Soap was the key to cleanliness and happiness spread through me, every time I was able to find a bare of soap.

Cleanliness represents social values and status in our cultural system. If I was cleaner, people were more likely to spare me some change. They deemed me more worth their money. They didn't immediately turn their eyes away from me.

However, I didn't know why the group of men choose me in particular to be their victim or if they harassed others. All I knew was, that they had only seen half the package.

I thank god and myself every day that I made the decision to stay mute and keep my mouth closed. I wondered how they'd have reacted, had they seen my yellow and crooked teeth, that had never been brushed in all their lives. Sometimes, I tried to rinse my mouth and teeth with water and a little soap, but the taste always made me gag. One tooth on the right upper side of my mouth was broken, because of a hit my mother had thrown on my face when I was little. So now it was just a small stub.

But they didn't always just leave it with the teasing.

Sometimes they tried to grab me and I'd pathetically try to run, in the belief that I could actually get away from them. They'd try to take away the small amount of stuff I'd harbored in my old bag. They never took the bag itself and made it a point to let me watch while they violated me and my belongings.

Good thing they hadn't discovered my little, broken necklace yet, my own personal heirloom.

I used to keep it in my shoes and let it touch my bare feet in them. Socks were always one of the first things that people grabbed in the charity places and unfortunately, I never got to them fast enough.

It was a safe place to hide the necklace. People didn't want to take my ugly shoes. I've had them for around 6 years now. They used to be way to big, but I grew into them and now they nearly fit me. However, I wore them out over time and at some places more holes could be seen than actual fabric. Therefore, the chances of the necklace falling out through one of the holes were too high of a risk for me to lose it.

As I kept on walking and looked up, I noticed that in all my musing I had already reached the park and decided to sit down at the tree I always sat by.

It was somewhat secluded from the elder couples, that had decided to take their morning walk or people that walked their dogs this early. Due to the approaching holiday session, the kids were out of school and were walking alongside their parents and their siblings in strollers.

School. Another thing I had missed out on in my life. I had never been given the opportunity. After all, no one had cared if I went or not.

As I watched all these people around me and wondered what I did wrong to be living the life that I had now. I started to wonder if there had been a certain turning point where I had made a wrong decision. An occasion, where I should have acted differently. A mistake that I should have corrected.

But I didn't find anything. I was always friendly to everyone, wanted to help whomever I could, whenever I could. Hadn't I shown that, when I had helped that Edward person without even knowing him? It was obvious that he was in need of some aid and I was willing enough to help him with the meager help I could offer.

I didn't have much, to begin with, myself, so my means were low.

I'd do almost anything for someone to give me a helping hand for once and present me with a way out.

Staying in the park always made me feel warm inside to see all the children, that were lucky enough to have parents, who loved and cared for them. I don't think that someone had ever hugged me. I wonder how it would feel. I bet it would be great. It must be since people loved to give them every chance they got. They hugged when they greeted each other or just wanted to say goodbye. They gave them out of love or out of despair, when sad and when happy.

And that was absolutely beautiful to me. I just wished I got the chance to witness one. Maybe I did, but I was just too little to remember.

So while I loved watching people on the one hand, I hated it on the other. It made me feel emotions that I didn't like coursing through my body. I envied people for what they had and I never did.

I thought that it was unfair, that I had to cry every night when I one of those moments where I realized how alone I really was. I felt like it was me against the world. That the universe somehow had deemed me unworthy of love and that I was to be deprived of affection and warmth.

I bit my teeth together very hard to suppress the tears, that were threatening to spill over if I'd only give them the chance to. Times came when I wasn't able to take a breath because of my heart aching, deep sobs, which almost destroyed me.

Sometimes I cried in this park in this very same spot. But that was when I was drowning in self-pity again.

Much like I did now. The tears were flowing freely over my skin, creating a trail of misery down my face.

I wasn't sure how I should learn to deal with these emotions, that made me feel sicker than the hunger did on a daily basis.

"Aren't we a little melodramatic, carina? We've seen these scenes before in movies you know. Lonely girl all alone crying in the woods, while the rain is falling down on her. Come on, carina. Be a little more creative. I'm sure you can do better than that."

I was startled by the same voice, that had frightened me mere hours ago when I had first seen him. His face looked peaceful and he had a cockier attitude surrounding him now.

Only when he mentioned it, I realized that it had started to rain during my musing and I was soaked to the bone.

Looking up from my clothes again I quickly rubbed over my face and hastily removed the tears, that had started to mingle with the raindrops.

I gave him a confused look, signaling him that I was surprised by his presence.

"What 'cha trying to say, little girl? Oh, I know. You're trying to figure out how Donald Trump has managed to become president. I know, horrifying. Luckily he is already in his second term, so the horror is almost over, so don't worry. In due time we'll hopefully get a president that we can actually be proud of, I'm sure of that."

I deepened my frown and tried to make sense of the words that had left his mouth a few seconds ago.

"Oh no, carina. You look even more confused than before. How about you stand up first and then we can continue with our little conversation, huh? You'll be of more use to me healthy and somewhat clean. Won't want you running the risk of catching a cold."

I did, in fact, stand up and clutched my backpack to my chest. When he mentioned that I would be of use to him I started to back away and was ready to run for the hills. What had driven me yesterday to let a complete stranger feel my generosity and compassion and to let him sleep next to me? I must have been out of my mind. Or plain out exhausted.

Before I could have started with my pathetic run he grabbed me by the arm again, turned me around and just as quickly let me go.

"Look, I know that you don't like getting touchy touchy with me, but I had to stop you. And had I let you run I would have caught you anyway. Girl, what was that a second ago. Were you about to trip, or what?"

I looked down at my tattered shoes. He sure did ask a lot of questions.

"Whatever. How about we start to walk and I'll accompany you to wherever you need to go to. I'll explain to you what I meant when I said that you'd be of use to me."

I wasn't sure about that. I didn't feel as comfortable with his presence now, as I did last night. Otherwise, he didn't strike me as the violent type of person. Sure he talked and swore a lot and I don't think that he had any verbal filter, but he seemed nice. He didn't really insult me or try to take something from me. Overall he hadn't tried to hurt me yet and didn't look at me like I was an abnormality.

I looked around and saw no one in the park other than us two. They must have left when it has started to rain. I wonder when that was.

But even if people were here, there was a high chance that no one would stand up for a homeless person or care if I got kidnapped or not.

Noticing that I didn't have any other chance and that he probably didn't have any cruel intentions, I nodded.

He gave a genuine smile when I decided to go along with his proposition and motioned with his hands in many directions.

"Well, carina. Lead the way. I'll go wherever you will go."

Little did I know the significance these seven words would have for the both of us.

Hellowww, what did you think of this chapter?

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love, melli