"What happened?" Killian asked her after the meeting, bringing over a can of Coke to her. She took it and shrugged, not entirely sure if she wanted to talk about it or just let it go.

"Chief just yelled at me for being late. No big deal."

"Big deal, Swan. Very big deal. You know he's been moping around looking for someone to snap at. It'll be you."

"It already was me."

Killian gestured for her to follow him outside, where the warm breeze momentarily stunned her.

"What was so important that you had to jet out? I trust it was pretty damn vital, because I covered your ass today, Swan. It better not have been for nothing."

"I told you, I got a call from Mills-"

"Aye. Mills. And I heard the boy was fine. Fantastic, in fact, should be out of the hospital pretty soon. So I thought you'd be back."

Emma leaned against the brick wall of the station, and Killian stood in front of her, waiting for her response. She didn't know exactly what to give in reference for one.

"She couldn't breathe, Killian. That's what happened. And I thought…I helped her but I wanted to make sure she was okay."

"That's what her people are for, Swan. That's when you call 911, and hospitals help, because that wasn't your place to step in."

She knew Killian was angry at her for leaving, but she hadn't realized that there had been enough stress that he would snap at her like this. Their conversations in the past had sometimes had hints like this, annoyances at each other. When you work with someone for long enough that you know their ticks, their movements, of course you'll get angry at them ever so often. But she hadn't realized he had been this annoyed. He hadn't been when she had left.

"You were fine with me leaving!" she snapped back at him. "I'm sorry you did my work, but you didn't have to, so I don't know why-"

"Because Chief brought up a damned valid point to me! And I want to make sure that that isn't it!"

She stared at him, and he stared at her, both daring the other to say the next set of words. Emma felt as though she couldn't find them. What, so Killian thought she was losing it, too?

"You're my partner. How dare you-"

"How dare I what? Be worried about you? I defended you today, Swan, but he made me think. You didn't tell me why you left the Army, but Chief damn well knows-"

"It was on my record. Of course he knows. He had to look at them for my background check, I had to explain myself."

"Why didn't you tell me, Swan?"

The accusation. Her partner in New York had asked the same thing, and when she'd admitted that she didn't know why she hadn't told him, he'd walked away with his hands in the air. Because of course she knew why she hadn't told anyone that she didn't have to tell.

"I didn't want you to be ashamed of me."

Shame was always something she wanted to avoid. She didn't want him to look at her differently, for him to realize that perhaps her entire service hadn't been totally honorable, that when she admitted to him that she'd let her unit die without her, it hadn't been because of some choice of valor, it had been because of a lonely moment in the desert.

"I'm not! But it explains a lot, why you don't want to be with coworkers, why you're so fucking scared of going after Mills. It would tell me why you're so guilty, instead of being vague."

The young officer that hadn't wanted to be in the Army, not really, that had only done ROTC to appease his family and had only taken commission because he needed the scholarship for college. Who said he'd never really wanted to be in war, he certainly hadn't wanted to be on ground.

Officer. I thought that meant I wouldn't be going anywhere but the DOD.

The young girl that had only ever done flings, that had never had anything long term in fear that she would have to leave at any moments, in fear that it would create too many strings. His hands on her body, feeling so god damned alive for the first time since she had been in the desert. Him crying to her that he wasn't sure if what he was doing was right. Her soft reminder that he was doing his best.

A shared bed on a lonely night in the FOB. One shared bed. One night.

A test that had very simple results, given to Stabler. Him taking her aside, asking what had happened. Her whispering that it was the officers, that she would do whatever the Army wanted so long as she could stay.

This isn't allowed, Swan. I'm sorry.

"Swan!" Killian standing next to her, a mix of worry and anger on his face.

"His name was Neal. He was my CO on the ground."

She hadn't admitted this part anyone, save for Stabler and the officers that had decided her fate.

"He was so damned lonely. And so was I. So we…We shared a bed one night."

"You had sex."

She flinched. "Yes."

"Did he take advantage of you, Swan?"

"No. No, it wasn't…It wasn't like that. I liked him. He wasn't really soldier material, I don't think he knew what he was getting himself into, but he was a good guy. He was sweet. It was different…We used to talk. As friends. He would tell me about home and I would tell him about my adventures in New York. We both joined for the same reason. There weren't a lot of options for people like us. The economy was in the gutter, our families didn't have a lot to start with…And the Army's always hiring."

I wanted to do something important. I just…I didn't realize what doing something important would mean.

"And then one night, it just…It evolved. And things escalated, and I don't really know what happened after that."

"You carried his child."

A pause. "Yes."

"Why did that get you kicked out?"

"They don't…They don't like officers and enlisted people fraternizing. It's against the rules. And that was a pretty heavy stain on my record."

"So you had to leave?"

"Yeah."

Being back on the New York streets. Looking at the sheet of numbers. Walking to the fire hall because lord knew that she didn't know what else to do, asking for Adams. His rough, old face taking her in. Giving him Stabler's letter. An embrace.

We'll take care of you, Swan. Don't worry.

"What…What happened to the kid?"

A growing belly. A woman who talked to her so softly about options. No judgment for the first time in years. Saying she'd keep it. A news report on the late night news, saying that there were more casualties. Naming the men. Tears.

I can't keep this baby. Not now.

Adoption paperwork, closed, a funeral before labor. Missing Stabler's, going to Neal Cassidy's. Tears.

I'm so sorry.

"I gave him up. I saw him for a very short while, but then he wasn't mine anymore. He was gone."

"Do you know what happened to him?"

She shook her head, and she didn't realize until now that there was wetness on her face, that there were tears streaming down her face. She tried not to think of the little, chubby boy, tried not to think of whether he had gone to a good home or if he had ended up in the system like she had. She tried not to remember the anger of her first foster parents and tried, instead, to think of the love of the last one. She tried to think of little Whitney, who got her first chance and never had to see the cruelty of the system like Emma had.

She tried not to think that there was a chance, a chance, that he wasn't okay.

Killian embraced her then, pulling her close, and there was a part of her that wanted to pull away, to tell him that she was alright, she didn't need coddling, it would be gone soon. The pain would ebb. But she didn't know if it would tonight, if the guilt would resurface like it often did, and she tried so hard not to imagine the images she'd seen on the TV that day, tried not to think of Cassidy laid in his casket, 21 gun salute. How she'd refused to wear her dress blues and had sat in the back. Didn't want to see his parents. Didn't want to tell them that they would have a carry on in their line.

"It's alright, Swan. It's alright."

No, but it wasn't, and her heart ached at the mere thought that it ever could be. There was drifting, there was easy drifting, and she had accomplished it for so long that she'd thought for sure she could accomplish it forever. But now, here was the reminder that she would never be free from this stain, that it would be on her forever, and that she'd never really forget, she'd never really forgive herself for living while they'd died all because of a choice.

"It hurts," she whined, and she hadn't realized that he had walked them to the back of the station, out of the eyes of the public. "I just wanted to make a difference and…And…"

"And you did. It's called survivors guilt, love. But you have no reason to be guilty."

"But I do…"

He ran his hands through her hair, not a romantic gesture, but a calming one.

"They died and I wasn't there to stop it."

She buried her head into her partners chest. Even though the emotion was there where it hadn't been for a long time, even though it was an open wound after it had lay dormant for so long, suddenly it felt almost good to cry and to feel it. To know the pain so personally, to understand it to a point.

"Swan. If they couldn't stop it, you couldn't have either. You'd just be in the ground with them."

And when I get to heaven, to Saint Peter I will tell. 'Just another soldier reporting, sir, I've done my time in hell'.

Sablers song rang in her ears.

"Emma!" Henry called out excitedly when she walked into the room.

"Hey, kid," she muttered, giving him a faint smile. She'd tried to dry most of her tears before coming here, and even though Killian had offered to buy her a drink, she'd declined with an apology about getting his shirt wet. She could still feel burning in her eyes, perhaps they were a tad bit red, but she decided not to care for right now.

Kathryn was sitting closer to the bed, and she could see two gaming controllers poorly hidden besides his bed.

"Regina stopped in about an hour ago, but I made her get checked out. She should be back soon."

"That's alright. I, uh. I mainly just wanted to hang around and check up on young gun, here." Henry flashed her a smile.

"Cool! We turned off the game, though, so if you were hoping to do that, you'll have to wait 'til later."

"I have a feeling you'd probably beat me anyways, kid."

"Well. I am pretty good."

It felt weird, sitting across from Kathryn instead of Regina, but it was interesting watching her and Henry interact. As a bystander, it wasn't even weird. It looked so natural, as though Kathryn didn't have to hesitate for a moment before saying whatever he said to him. She wasn't sure if she'd ever had a relationship like that as a kid, and a familiar stab of jealousy ebbed its way up that she had to suppress. It was good that he had good people in his life. It was outstanding.

Suddenly, his attention was back on her. He's said something that she hadn't registered, and she blinked, trying to figure out exactly what had been said.

"Huh?"

"I said, thanks. For looking out for Mom."

And that stab of jealousy that she had had moments before went away. Emma hadn't had many good relationships in her childhood, sure, but she also hadn't had to look out for much of anyone. She hadn't taken on the role of 'big sister' until she was sixteen, and even then it had been nothing more than a short moment. She had never been a caretaker in any vicinity of the word. Now here was Henry, in a hospital bed, thanking her for doing something he'd no doubt done countless times.

"No problem, kid…I'll try not to take the superhero thing for a little while at least, okay?"

He nodded and then went back to his conversation with Kathryn. So seamless, how quickly he rotated from serious to conversational.

He knew what he was doing, this kid.

Perhaps that's how he had crept into her head.