Chapter 2

We're a few drinks in and I can definitely tell you didn't eat lunch.

By the time I order you some nachos to get something on your stomach it's too late.

The bartender, Lauren, keeps giving me the side eye as you go on and on and on to her about your broken heart.

As absorbed as you are in your tale of woe, you somehow notice the looks we're exchanging, wildly misinterpret them, and whirl around on your barstool towards me the minute you think she's out of hearing.

She's not.

"Would you stop eye-fucking my bartender!?" You say much too loudly.

I look at you like you're nuts because you are, but you pay no attention and keep talking before I can get a word in edgewise.

"Sure, her boobs are huge and all," you say, gesturing to your own perfectly awesome rack like you're somehow lacking. "But she's soooo not your type….she's Kim K hot, like you know too-much-makeup-fake-tits-big-booty-porn-star hot….not the kind of girl you can take home to Esme, Edward."

Even though you're obviously on your way to being completely blackout and starting to slur your words, I'm not giving you a pass. Lauren moved on to another customer without comment, but she could come back this way any minute and I've got to stop your insane word vomit. "You're crazy. And after bending her ear for the last hour, you probably shouldn't be talking shit about your bartender."

"You're crazy," you shoot back like a 10 year old. "And mean…..here I am, fresh off a terrible break up and you're over there trying to pick up the first tramp you see. Some best friend you are."

"I'm not trying to pick up anyone. And 'terrible breakup'? I think that's a bit of an oversell," I say, trying to get you worked up over my insensitivity so you'll get off the nice if a little slutty looking bartender's case.

It works, but not quite how I expect.

You get all sad…..like you're a balloon and I've deflated you. "You're right."

"I am?" I ask, shocked that you've agreed with me because it so rarely happens.

"I'm hopeless. I can't even keep a guy like Tyler interested for very long. I'm destined to live alone with a bunch of cats," you say glumly as you play with the tiny straw in your drink. "Weird Aunt Bella and her cats."

I start to feel sorry for you, but think better of it and sigh like what you said is pretty spot on because I refuse to kow tow to your use of ridiculously unoriginal clichés. "You're probably right…though I think you should really consider some of those sugar bear things that they sell at mall kiosks or maybe a sloth, you know so you can at least be an interesting weirdo."

"I can't believe you're making fun of my pain," you lament, laying your head on the bar.

I keep going like you haven't said a word. "It might seem like an extravagance, but I also think a cheese of the month club is a must."

"Ed-ward!" Your head is still on the bar, but you've turned it to the side and I see a hint of a smile on your lips.

"What? Look, you don't have to do the Harry & David one, it is a little pricey….but you can't be a weird animal hoarder aunt without cheese. It's just….it's just not done."

You finally pick up your head…..a little too quickly in your state, glassy-eyed and giggling lightly despite yourself. For a split second I'm proud of myself for breaking up your pity party, but before I can enjoy my triumph, you get quiet and I see the look I know all too well….the look that says I've got to get us out of here fast before vomitus Bella makes an appearance...