Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I waste no time getting handsy.
Well…a little bit.
You know, within reason.
I mean, for fuck's sake…..we're at my grandpa's birthday party. I don't want to give any of my sweet, nosy great aunts a heart attack. A handful of your ass and a kiss and nuzzle behind your ear are about all I can manage, because they aren't even trying to pretend they aren't watching us.
Old people have no shame.
You're leaning into me like you like what I'm doing so I whisper some nonsense into your ear about your sweet caboose to get you giggly and keep my left hand right where it is. You look up at me with laughing eyes and we touch foreheads, silently agreeing through our BFF ESP (your term, not mine) that we won't let Alice get to us.
You see….Alice likes to believe she's scary….or maybe intimidating is a better word. Even though she doesn't hang out with us anymore and one would think she wouldn't have any ammunition, the truth has never stopped her before. There really is no telling what rabbit she's going to pull out of her ass.
But I can guarantee there will be a rabbit.
.
"Hey guys," she greets as if we're still friends. Her sugary sweet tone is clearly for the benefit of my Uncle Alec, who is hovering nearby. He's sensitive about Alice….probably because he knows what a viper she is….but sensitive nonetheless. "How are you?"
"Hey, " I reply for the both of us. "We're great."
You give her a smile around your straw as you take a long pull from your drink. I have no idea what else to add to this conversation, so I lean down to drop a kiss on the crown of your head and peer into your cup. Hopefully you'll need a refill soon.
Before the silence can get awkward, Alice continues, "I'm surprised you two are together."
She pauses to let her comment sink in….to let us ponder her meaning. An unwitting bystander (ie my uncle) might assume she's referring to her surprise at seeing us behaving as a couple….but I know how she operates and that gleam in her eye always means she's up to no good.
"After what I saw at lunch Friday between you and Tanya, Edward…" She shrugs all wide-eyed and innocent, "I just assumed…."
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
How in the fucking shit did she know about that?!
Two burning questions from earlier are definitively answered. Now I know exactly what Alice is doing here and why her rsvp changed at the last minute.
There was no way she could pass up such a golden opportunity. Even without our faux romance, shoving it in your face that I was with the one person (other than herself) that you hate with the fire of a thousand suns was guaranteed to cause fireworks.
Or so she thought.
To your credit and my surprise, you appear completely unaffected by the bomb she just dropped. So much so that I'm not sure how to respond.
But because you're the peanut butter to my jelly, you do it for me.
"Oh Alice," you say in a bored, dismissive tone. "Your methods of shit stirring are as tired as...well, that outfit."
Daaaaaaaa-yum.
That was ice cold.
It's obvious from Alice's cartoon character enraged face that she was not expecting such a response or any response. She seriously looks like Yosemite Sam about to lay into Bugs Bunny. I half expect smoke to start coming out of her ears.
Luckily, Aunt Sarah has impeccable timing. And thanks to a bottle of Chardonnay she also has selective hearing.
"Did I just hear that the two of you have FINALLY gotten together?!"
Her pterodactyl-like shriek has the same effect as a loud jukebox skipping, bringing its music to a screeching halt. The entire room goes quiet and all eyes are on us before we can blink.
You might've been channeling Blair Waldorf like a boss 30 seconds ago, but I don't have to look at your face to know you're red as a tomato. You hate being the center of attention. I pull you closer to me and tighten my grip on your booty.
"Yeah," I answer, trying to come off as bashful. I look down at you and you oblige me with a shy smile back. "We're together."
Both of parents' eyebrows rise in surprise. My dad looks happy. My mom looks suspicious.
God, I'm glad Emmett's outside. We've got to get this over with before the grillmaster is done cooking. He will never be able to keep his mouth shut.
"It's about time," Grumps pipes up. Nana slaps him on the shoulder for his gruff, very grumps-like tone. "What? He told me he was going to marry her when he was five. It's been a long time coming."
Now I'm the one who's embarrassed. I thought me and the old man were tight. And then he had to go and break a 20 year confidence. Not cool, Grumps. Not cool.
Of course, you just can't help yourself. "He did admit he's been obsessed with me for years."
My first instinct is to tease you back, but given the load of shit I'm in, I quell the impulse and shrug. "It's true."
It is. And it feels good to admit it….even if you think it's all an act.
.
After a few minutes, attention shifts away from us as individual conversations begin to pick back up around the room.
Thankfully, our moment in the sun was long enough for Alice to get bored and leave. I couldn't imagine the Queen of Mean lowering herself to eat hamburgers and hotdogs, anyway.
But I know better than to think this is over.
With either of you.
Alice left without getting what she came for and I have no doubt she'll be back to cause trouble soon….especially now that she thinks we're a couple.
You, my lovely-fake-girlfriend/best friend, are playing nice in front of my family, but I haven't missed the side-eye you've been throwing my way. I just keep tossing my cheesiest grins back at you.
Because right now, I don't even care about the uncomfortable conversation to come. With Alice no longer an imminent threat, I can concentrate on the moment my day was officially made.
When I kissed your neck, you shivered and let out the tiniest, imperceptible to anyone else but me moan.
If I tease you about it, you'll blame it on a host of factors, but that little involuntary move showed me all I needed to know.
You totally want me.
.
.
.