Celina rode, not knowing where she was headed but just rode. What was she supposed to say after how she had behaved in the cabin? She swallowed and shifted the reins through her sweaty, shaky hands. Her whole body felt jittery, she had lost it yet again. Celina closed her eyes, trying to fight against the tears that were building in them. She didn't want to cry, she hated crying and yet since she had been transported back in time, she found herself crying do often.

She knew what she wanted, she wanted to ride back to camp and throw herself into Dutch's arms and just make all her worries go away. She couldn't though, not at the present time. Dutch was a smart man and if she did such a thing, there is no doubt that he would connect her return with Micah's death. She had to wait, she needed to wait.

Would Dutch even still love her if he found out about what had happened to Micah? Would he forgive her for her fling with Trelawny. She brought her horse to a stop by the river and stared out over the calm water. What a mess she had made of things-everything. She looked down at her hands to see Micah's blood on them. "No," she shook her head, "No, no, no!"

Celina jumped off her horse and made her way over to the riverbank where she dropped to her knees, scrubbing the blood from her hands in the water as she cried. She thought back to Thomas, how she had lost him. Images of what she had done to Jay flashed through her mind and then Micah. Was she a monster? Had her brothers death turned her into a monster?

She shook as she sobbed voilently, unable to control herself. Who did that to someone? Strung them up and tortured them like that? Watched them die and got satisfaction out of it. What was wrong with her? Finding pleasure in Micah's screams, in Jay's screams? What-

"Oh God," she looked to the sky, lost for words and feeling nothing but disgust with herself. No one deserved death as Micah and Jay had had it and yet she delivered it to them. The look on Arthur, Bill, John and Javier's face back at that cabin. What had she done? Not even Dutch at his worst would have done something like that, at least she didn't think so. Oh Dutch, what would he think?

Her stomach contracted painfully as she cried. How would she ever look any of the gang in the eyes again? How would she look herself in the mirror again? She stared at her reflection in the river and saw herself as someone she didn't recognize, how has she lived those few years after killing Jay with no regret? Revenge, when taken to that degree? She shook her head. She felt as if the guilt of everything she ever did wrong was eating away inside of her.

"I'm a murderer." She continued to stare at herself in the river. And then it clicked, she could make it stop, if she wasn't there, the boys would be fine. With Micah gone, they'd be fine. They'd miss her for a while, sure... Dutch may hate her for the rest of his life but they would all be ok.

She took a deep, shaky breath as she withdrew her revolver and began to lift it. Would she be able to do it? She moved it under her chin, could she do it? Her hand shook and then she was interrupted, "What do you think your doing?"

She froze, the last thing she expected was to be found by Bill Williamson, "Go away, Bill." She sniffled, he wasn't supposed to have found her, not in her current state. Needless to say, Bill didn't leave.

He stepped forward slowly, "The other three sent me to check on you."

Celina shook her head, "Why would they do that?" She thought it was a good question, it would have made more since for Arthur or even John to come.

Bill hesitated, "Ok, I sent myself. None of us liked the way you left things back there." He took another hesitant step forwards, "Put the gun down, Celina. You don't really want to kill yourself."

She raised a brow, still not looking back at him, "How do you know that?"

"I just know. It's not like I ain't been there before." Bill took another step towards her, "Put the gun down, please, and lets talk about this."

Celina rolled her eyes, and felt the urge to just blow her brains out then and there, "I'm a monster, Bill. Look at what I've done. I don't even recognize myself."

Bill was quiet for a moment, not a typical characteristic of himself. He came the rest of the way up to her and held out his hand, "Give me the gun." When she didn't make a move to do so, he reached down and gently took it from her, "You ain't no monster and things happen." He looked down at her for a moment before sighing gruffly and sitting down next to her.

"How I killed Jay and Micah- yes, I am, Bill. Yes I am."

"No you ain't." Bill's response was solid, firm as if it were undeniably factual. He sat her gun on the other side of himself, keeping it well out of her reach, "Life put you in a position and you reacted, their ain't nothing wrong with that. If that Jay feller wouldn't have killed your brother and Micah would have never been a traitor, they'd still be doing alright, ain't I correct?"

Celina nodded, "Well, yea, but-"

"But nothing." Bill held eye contact with her, "It were me, Javier and John that tortured Micah anyway, not you."

"I'm the one that organized it all and told you to, it's my fault." She looked away from him, not able to look him in the eyes any longer, "How he died, it wasn't right."

"Now look here," The veteran stood to his feet and moved so he was standing directly in front of her, "None of us take orders from anyone but Dutch. Sure, we were surprised what happened... happened how it did but we did it willingly. And as far as not right, you ain't seen such a thing. What I seen in the army?" He let out a low whistle, "Micah's death don't even come close." He held out a calloused hand to help her up and she accepted, letting him pull her to get feet, "For the record, I'm glad to see the bastard dead."

She swallowed again and nodded, "I'll, I suppose I'll try to get past it." She felt rather stupid and somewhat embarrassed to have been caught in such a weak moment over something Bill so easily made seem cut and dry.

He nodded, "You should, you've got a good man back at home who loves you... Dutch an the others, they won't find out about Micah or this, not from me."

Celina offered a small smile, still too broken for it to be genuine, "Thank you, Bill. For everything." She could hardly even imagine the Bill who stood before her becoming the Bill Williamson of 1911.

Bill grunted in acknowledgement before holding out her revolver hesitantly, "Can I trust you with this?"

She nodded slightly, "Yea, I'll be fine."

He fixed her with a stern look, one of trust... one that warned her not to break his trust before handing it back to her. She took it and slipped it back into its holster as she watched him walk back out to his horse and mount up. Right before he took off, she stopped him, "Wait."

Bill looked back at her in curiosity of what she had to say and she took a deep breath as she tried to find the right words. "You," she started and sighed, "Bill, you're going to get dementia."

"What?" The tone in his voice reflected shock and denial towards the statement.

She nodded, it was hard to tell him, but she wanted him to be prepared. She climbed up on her own horse, "In 1911, this gang, it could be completely disassembled. I hope that taking Micah out of the picture would prevent that. But," She shrugged, "I just don't know. You though, as I know it, are leading your own gang, Bill. The Williamson gang."

Bill shook his head, "I ain't gonna leave Dutch."

"I'm not going to say how things happen, but they did... And the men you lead, they're really, really bad men." She licked her lips and urged her horse forward at a walk.

Bill commanded the same from his horse, "How bad of men are we talking?"

Celina shook her head. She knew that she probably shouldn't be telling him all of this but could it really hurt anything? Anyway, she wanted him to be prepared, she didn't want to see him lose himself to madness... not after the compassion he had shown her a couple times now. She was honest with him, "Rapists and Murderers... complete psychos."

Bill shook his head, "I wouldn't ever do such a thing."

"You wouldn't now." She did her best to put it softly, "And hopefully you won't ever. I just, wanted to let you know where the future could take you. I really don't think no matter how much changes that you getting dementia can be prevented. I would love to keep it from happening but it's... I'm afraid that it's outside of my control." The tone in her voice reflected great empathy, "I think it would be best if you start keeping a journal like Arthur. Just for yourself so that if you do get it... you'll have something to help keep your memories straight."

...

The talk with Bill had helped her feel a little better, for the time being at least. Now though, as she returned to lounging on Trelawny's sofa, she began to feel remorse again, a terrible feeling really. She opened her eyes when she heard him come in through the front door, "Hello handsome."

The magician chuckled, "Well hello my dear. How was your morning out with the boys?"

She shrugged, doing her best to play it cool, "It was good, always good to see them."

Trelawny raised a brow, a clear sign that he knew there was information she was intentionally withholding. He didn't press though, he hardly ever did, "If you want to talk about it, I'm sure you will." She nodded, but gave no verbal response. Trelawny went on, "Now when is it that you're going back to Dutch?"

Celina shrugged with a small laugh, "Whenever I feel like he's missed me for long enough. I want to make sure that he learns his lesson."

Josiah smiled, "I'm quite sure he has, my dear, being faced with the very possible chance of permanately losing you. I must say, I myself will miss you as well."

Celina gave a small smile to the magician, "I'll miss you too but-"

"I know." He dipped his head in agreement, "You and I, the time we spent together was good fun. I know your heart lies with Dutch... it always has and always will."

Celina nodded back at him, feeling guilty all over again at the fact that she had truly contemplated and almost went through with taking her own life. The thought concerned her whether or not she would have pulled the trigger had Bill not shown up when he had. Either way, she was grateful that he had stopped her and gave her time to realize that death was not what she truly desired.

She could hardly wrap her head around the thought that if it hadn't been for the bitter veteran, she may have not ever made her way back to Trelawny's apartment... She may have never gotten to see Dutch again... may have broken his heart if she should have taken herself from him.

Trelawny must have picked up on the fact that she had withdrawn into deep thought as he brought her out of it, "Are you sure you're ok? You seem like that may not so much be the case."

She waved him off casually, "Oh, I'm fine. I'm just kinda wondering how my return to camp is going to go... if Dutch would find out about the two of us..."

"Oh, he would be infuriated for sure. We absolutely must keep it a secret."

She chewed on her bottom lip nervously and nodded ever so slightly, "I know that." Part of her still felt guilty though at the thought of keeping her fling with the magician a secret from Dutch... even if they were broken up at the time. It just seemed... dirty to her... the thought of going back to Dutch and being with him all the while knowing that she had been with Trelawny, that the magician had had his way with her as well and that Dutch had no idea about it.

"Yeah, I won't tell him," She promised, "He doesn't need to know." Even as she said it, part of her wondered who she was trying to convince... the magician, or herself. She could do it though, she could pretend nothing had happened between Trelawny and herself- in the bedroom at least. She hated being deceitful though, so very much hated it. She only wished that Dutch would take the news better than what she thought he would.

Luckily, before she and Bill parted ways, she had convinced him to get Dutch to give up on the trolley station. She was convinced that he, Hosea, Arthur, Javier and John could get Dutch to drop the plan without revealing that she had said anything to them about it. Dutch could by no means have even the slightest clue that she was with the boys at the time of Micah's death.

All that was left to worry about at the time being was the Saint Denis bank robbery. She felt her chest tighten with anxiety at the thought of what what could hold but took a deep breath as she reminded herself that it should well and truly be fine. Micah was killed before the plan would have been solidified, therefore couldn't alert the law or anyone else on what was going to happen... still, she wanted to get back to camp before they rode out for the bank just to let them know what could happen... And to make sure that more than just Abigail had Hosea's back while he created a distraction. She was sure he would be fine and if she wasn't sure of that, there was no way that she would feel even slightly comfortable with the idea of the man who was like a father to her heading into something that he could be killed doing.

She draped her right arm over her face, her nose in the crook of her elbow as well as her eyes. It had been a while since she felt as if getting up would take all of her willpower. She liked the couch, she wanted to stay on the couch and never think of the events of the current day again. Micah was dead, and that was all that mattered... at least she kept trying to tell herself that.

She moved her arm from her face and looked at Trelawny who was reading the paper from his chair across the room, "I think I'm going to just go and take a nap."

Trelawny looked up from his paper with an expression of concern but nodded, "Ok, if you feel the need to."

Celina nodded, "I feel the need to." She draped her arm back over her face and took a deep breath, doing her best to coax herself into sleep.

...

Arthur, John and Javier stood back and watched the cabin burn to the ground, "Well, he won't be a problem anymore." Arthur's tone was flat and sarcastic as usual.

"Yeah," John hesitated, "Do you think Celina's ok? She was kinda acting not so much like herself." John still seemed uncomfortable with the events which had just happened.

Javier shrugged, "I don't know her too well, but from the sound of it, the woman's been through a lot. She was blowing off steam, I wouldn't worry about it."

Arthur nodded, "Yea, well, either way, I'm glad that Bill went after her. I still feel like I should have but," He shrugged with a sigh, "He wanted to."

"So what are we going to tell Dutch?" John was the one to ask the question.

"What we've been planning on telling him." Arthur lit up a cigarette, "We got ganged up on and Micah was killed... would explain why we have blood all over us. Say there was some knife fighting involved."

Javier lit up a cigarette as well, "I suppose we get out of here before anyone catches wind of this."

Arthur nodded at the Mexican, "Agreed."

The three of them mounted their horses at that and rode back in the direction of camp, a million thoughts going through each of their minds but above all, they felt relief, relief that Micah was gone and per Celina, things should start looking up once more.

The three of them spotted Bill on their way back who showed no urgency in getting back to camp like usual. Arthur rode up to him with the rest of them, "Bill, you aren't dying are you?"

Bill looked over his shoulder at Arthur, his face expression irritation at the others presence, "No, I'm not dying, Arthur. Just thinking."

Arthur's eyes widened dramatically, "You're thinking!? Well I never thought I'd see the day."

Bill scoffed, "Shut up."

John butted in, not exactly interested in hearing the two men bicker, "Did you find Celina?"

Bill nodded, "Yea, I found her. She's fine, heading back to Trelawny's I think."

Arthur took a deep breath and nodded, "That's good."

"Yeah." That was all the more Bill said as he thought back to the state that he had found the pretty young woman in. He still could hardly believe that she had been sitting out there by the lake, possibly about to go through with killing herself. Bill didn't care about a whole lot but even the thought of that made him feel something.

...

When the four men arrived back to camp, they all immediately snapped into their roles in the act they had to put on. Hosea watching them with a knowing eye from where he sat at the chess table. Arthur panted heavily, and hoped off his horse, "They killed Micah, they- Micah, he's gone."

"I'm sorry, Dutch, we tried," John climbed off his horse as well and started walking up to Dutch who was approaching the group who had just returned. All eyes were on them, most uncaring and some even grateful for the loss of Micah Bell.

"What?" Dutch cocked his head to the side slightly as he approached, it was if he had been physically hit by the words out of Arthur and John's mouths, "Micah's gone?"

Arthur swallowed and nodded, "Bounty hunters, they ambushed us, Dutch and we just barely got away ourselves." He gestured to their bloodsoaked clothes, "It was a fight for sure. Micah, he tried, he really tried but he-" Arthur sighed, "He just didn't make it, Dutch... we can try to go back for his body later but we had no chance of taking it and getting out alive ourselves."

Dutch looked pained at the news but nodded and drug his right hand down his face, "I am so tired of losing people. Micah." He let out a humorous, disbelieving laugh, "I can hardly believe it."

"He didn't suffer, not from what we saw anyway." John offered, attempting to make the situation at least slightly better no matter how much of a lie he was telling.

Dutch took another deep breath, the loss of his good friend hadn't quite set in yet, "I'm glad you boys all got away. I don't know what I would have done if-"

Bill and Javier climbed down from their steeds as well, Bill clapping Dutch on the shoulder as he walked by him. Javier followed Bill, going off to do who knows what. Arthur watched the two men as they left, it was hard breaking news of the current sort to Dutch.. even if it was Micah who was dead and gone, Dutch had cared for him, believed in him.

Arthur drew in another deep breath, "I'm real sorry, Dutch. I know that I gave you a real hard time about him sometimes."

Dutch nodded, still not seeming completely there, which he wasn't, he was still trying to grasp the reality that Micah was truly gone, didn't need rescued, was simply... dead, "You did, you always did." Dutch shook his head once more before turning on his heel and heading back into the house.

...

"Ok, ok." Celina tried to mentally prepare herself to go back to the gang, to go back to Dutch but couldn't help but feel shaky at the idea. She had looked Dutch square in the eyes and told him that she was leaving him and going off with Trelawny and that basically, there was nothing he could do about it. Now, she was going to go and show up at his doorstep...

She looked over her outfit once, then again and ran her fingers though her hair as if everything wasn't going to get messed up again on the ride there. Trelawny called out to her, being as supportive as ever, "Are you sure you don't want me to ride with you?"

Celina nodded and offered a small smile to the kind magician, "I really think I need to do this myself." She took another deep breath and finally stepped away from the mirror which she had been standing in front of for a bit too long, "Ok, I'm ready to go. I'm going to go do this. I'm going to go see Dutch... if he'll take me back in that is."

Trelawny chuckled, "I'm not sure he would really have a say in whether you could stay with them or not."

She shrugged with a small confident smirk, she had to admit, the poplar vote would likely allow her permanate return. She started towards the door and with her hand on the doorknob, she looked back at him one more time, "Visit us soon, I'll miss you."

Josiah smiled genuinely at her, "I will absolutely do so, my dear. You take care now."

She smiled, "You too." Then at that, the left.

...

It was almost as if Celina was on autopilot on her way back to the camp, not really paying attention to where she was going but just... going there rather naturally. A million thoughts continued buzzing through her head from the events of the prior night. She had hoped that a good night's sleep would help her to feel better about herself. Help to not feel like such a monster.

It had only taken about thirty or so seconds after she woke up for everything to come rushing back at her again. Trelawny had been concerned, of course he had been concerned, she was terrible at pretending that nothing was going on. Still, that didn't mean that she was any more willing to talk about what had happened.

One of the things that she couldn't quite wrap her head around was that of all people Bill Williamson was the one who had saved her life yesterday. She would have never in a million years expected him to show up at just the right time and show that kind of understanding, that kind of empathy towards her.

Finally, she approached the entrance to camp and sat on Bullet for a moment before hitching him up and walking the rest of the way into camp. She was home.

...

A/N: Please let me know what all of you all think about this chapter. Tried to once again make it pretty insightful. Once again a sweet moment from Bill. Thoughts?

Also, next chapter will have Celina and Dutch discussing things. Predictions?

Have a good one!

Disclaimer: I do not own Red Dead Redemption 1 or 2 or anything associated with it.