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Part Three | Burn with Me
48. A Thousand Times Over
They worked, the six of them, methodically if nothing else. In a way it had been a blessing that they hadn't had many personal items - even many clothes, with them. For Daphne, Millicent, Blaise and Theo had, at least, what they had packed in their trunks for departing Hogwarts before the Christmas holidays, five months prior. Pansy and Neville had considerably less, considering their wardrobes were made up of what Winky had managed to scramble together before the shit show that was their leaving the school. Packing, at the very least, didn't take particularly long.
They had decided, before Draco had even left, that when the time came they would do everything they could to pack up what little belongings they had, but the trunks and bags would remain, as would Winky, in the cottage. Retrieving everything - including the elf after whatever was going to happen, happened, had made the most sense at the time. To everyone bar the elf herself, that is.
Winky was not a fan of this particular plan.
She had attempted, unsuccessfully, to argue the point with Pansy a number of times over the past few weeks. Each time leaving more irate than the last, and this time was no exception.
"Winky will do no such thing!"
Pansy sighed, before repeating the same words she'd said what felt like a hundred times before. "You will be remaining here, until it is safe for me bring you back to Hogwarts."
"Winky is most displeased by this, yes she is!"
Pansy breathed in steadily through her nose. "Really! Well I'd never have guessed, you should have said!"
"Sarcasm does not suit Miss. No. It. Does. Not!"
Once upon a time, Pansy would have been incredulous to even witness an elf speaking in such a way to a witch or wizard. Now, however, it merely amused her that she'd somehow obtained herself in elf form. "Don't be ridiculous Winky, sarcasm suits me very well."
"Winky's place is beside Miss Pansy." The elf's tone was different, and Pansy could hear a plea desperation. Her heart sunk to somewhere close to her shoes.
She knelt down. "I know that, Winky, I do. But, not for this."
"Winky was the one who got Miss, and made sure she - and Mr Neville, were brought here, so she was."
Pansy smiled sadly. "And that's exactly why I'm not taking you with me."
Winky's long rabbit-like ears seemed to bounce softly. "Hmm?"
"Before this year, I'd really only known one House Elf, she's called Tula and she serves Daphne's family. I met her when I was young, the same day I met Daph," Pansy recalled, remembering the one thing she was entirely grateful to her mother for arranging with Freya Greengrass, "she was kind - at a time when not many people were kind to me.
"I never forgot that," Pansy said. "I never forgot that one of the first to ever show me kindness as a little girl was a House Elf. And then, years later, I found out - after you nearly gave me a damn heart attack on the first day of term, that I now had my own.
"Now, and I say this with love," Pansy blinked, utterly bemused at the very true admission that she'd grown to not only like and appreciate and respect another House Elf, but in her own way, she really did love Winky. How disconcerting, she thought. "But being lumped with you has often been a pain in the arse. But," Pansy continued, opting to ignore the snigger that Winky was making no effort to hide, "getting you has been one of the only good things about this year, and I can't risk anything happening to you."
Pansy watched as Winky's impossibly round tennis ball eyes filled with tears. "But Winky can help-"
"I know," Pansy said. "I know you could help. But I'd like you to sit this one out. You've helped me far more than you realise already."
"Winky understands," the elf replied sadly. "And, Miss Pansy?"
"Yeah?"
"Miss has helped Winky, more than she realises too."
"Oh?"
"Winky used to be sad, her last Master - it...did not end well. Winky didn't believe she could be happy to serve another, no she didn't. Winky was wrong, Miss. And she's very glad to be, oh yes she is."
It was simple, all things considered. Neville was to return first, through some secret passage in Hogsmeade that led to, as far as Pansy could make out, where the majority of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students were hiding from the Carrows. Pansy often wondered, during their time at the cottage, whether any students, bar the loyal - she wanted to scoff every time she so much as thought the word, ones were still even attending lessons.
Her mind drifted back several months, before so much had changed, before they had left and before she had loved him - openly at least, to the two helpless Hufflepuff first years she had helped return to their common room and she hoped the answer was no.
She also hoped, on a fairly regular basis, that both Alecto and Amycus would contract painful boils over a large majority of their bodies.
Once back at Hogwarts, Neville had the small job of convincing over half the student populous that the bunch of Slytherin runaways were on his side, and he had been left with no choice but to leave after not only falling in love with the one that was possibly hated the most, but after finding out he had actually been marked for death by Severus Snape just before Christmas.
Pansy sincerely hoped Finnegan, Weasley and Lovegood, at least, would have his back straight away.
Simultaneously, she found herself hoping, madly, that Finnegan, Weasley and Lovegood were all mostly okay.
How odd
He was then to find Draco, ensure the Head Boy was safe, before returning to his friends and signalling Pansy to apparate to the Hog's Head Inn - of all places, where they would find an ally.
Merlin only knew what form the ally would take.
His signal, he revealed as he pulled on a sweatshirt, was in the form of the galleon he kept.
"It'll go hot before the message appears here," he pointed to the writing around the edges."
"Of course," Pansy let out a soft snort. "Draco...used something really similar last year, she recalled sadly, remembering the fear in his eyes every time he used the enchanted coin to communicate with Madam Rosmerta, the first person Draco had ever placed under the Imperius Curse. "He got the idea from Granger."
"She enchanted these," Neville replied.
His eyes met hers in a way she wanted nothing more than to defy.
"We'll give you guys a minute," Pansy was dimly aware of Theo's voice speaking words she didn't want to hear.
She swallowed, and her own words, when she spoke them, were scarcely more than a whisper. She'd wanted little more than to leave the sanctity of the cottage, not knowing anything like the cabin fever they had experienced over the last few months. Now, however, she wanted nothing more than for it to continue...preferably forever. "I'm not ready."
He took the two steps it took to close the gap between them, and placed his hands softly on either side of her head, cupping her face gently.
"Me neither," he admitted.
"Neville-" a thousand what ifs she wanted to voice crossed the forefront of her mind. What if he was seen and killed on sight; what if he was captured the second he apparated to Hogsmeade; what if they, or one of them, didn't make it through the inevitable fight. Not able to bring herself to finish the sentence, Pansy let a small sob erupt from her lips instead, which Neville caught with a kiss.
She'd never be ready. Not for this. Not for goodbye.
"I'd do it all again," he whispered, his lips soft against hers, "a thousand times over."
She dug her fingernails into the sides of his waist, willing another way, any other way bar the only one they had. "I would too."
Neville left in a whirlwind of apparition and anguish and, at some point, Pansy must have fallen sideways, for she was caught by Theo, and then guided to the couch.
"Pans, you okay?"
Pansy shook her head. The absence, this time not just from Draco's departure, but Neville's, was all consumingly overbearing and suffocating and left her both feeling everything she didn't want to feel, and entirely numb to it.
"No," she replied. "I don't think I am."
"I suppose," Theo said, "this is it."
Pansy didn't look up, instead nodding at the floor. From somewhere to her left, she became aware of Daphne, and looking up noticed the way the blonde's face was wrinkled with worry. Pansy offered her best friend a watery smile.
Daphne closed the gap between her and Pansy and Pansy felt a pair of slender arms snake their way around her shoulders.
"You'll see him again soon," Daphne said.
"Before we fight against Him, and all his followers...most of whom one of us is related to in one way or another."
"I think that's the part I'm looking forward to the least," Theo admitted.
A part of her, a larger part than she'd ever admit aloud, didn't want to go. If it wasn't for Neville, and Draco, Pansy wasn't entirely sure she'd be returning to the school at all.
Is that bad?
"I hope Neville can convince everyone we're not going to hex them into oblivion the minute we arrive," Daphne mused, much to Theo's apparent amusement.
"You know how well he taught us these last few months, and he left them a ton of instructions to keep training," Theo said, "if anything, I think we should be worried they're not planning on hexing us."
"Where'd he learn to duel like that?" Millicent asked. Pansy hadn't even realised she and Blaise had re-entered the room.
"Do you remember when we were in that stupid Inquisitorial Squad?" Pansy flinched inwardly at the embarrassing memory.
The others nodded.
"Well, when they were caught - that's what they were doing apparently. Potter was teaching them how to defend themselves, and I think this year Neville sort of took over."
"We spent all of Fifth Year getting wasted," Blaise said, "and they spent it raising an army."
"Ah, Fifth Year," a dreamlike expression had overcome Theo's face. "That was a good year."
Draco's face was, if possible, even more smug than usual. He held the bottle higher still. "I took it from my dad's private stash," he said proudly, "it's over twenty years old."
"I couldn't care if it was two weeks old mate," Theo replied happily, reaching for the bottle from a now rather disgruntled looking Draco, "as long as it gets me pissed."
Pansy laughed with the others as she lowered her head to perch on Draco's shoulder. His arm, as it had a hundred times before, reached around her shoulders.
The lake stretched before them, lit up eerily by a bright, almost full moon, the large expanse of the forbidden forest stretched out behind them. They had an hour, if that, before the school doors would be shut for the night. But for now, the four simply were, doing what they loved the most: getting drunk by the side of the water.
Daphne's legs were thrust over Theo's. "I hope it's always this way," she said, running one hand mindlessly through Theo's long-ish hair.
"Cold?" Draco offered.
Daphne rolled her eyes. "No," she elongated the word.
"Kind of foggy?" Pansy suggested.
"Us together!" Daphne retorted, before letting out a squeal as Theo tickled her side.
"It will be," Pansy stated. "It has to be, everyone else hates us."
Daphne wrinkled her nose. "Maybe one day they won't."
"If they'd stop being so stuck up, I'm sure they'd love me," Pansy said.
Draco very nearly choked on his twenty year old whisky. "You're the most stuck up person I know."
"Irrelevant."
"Sure it is, Pansy."
They predicted, early after Neville's departure, that the waiting around for his signal to go to Hogsmeade would be the worst bit: they weren't wrong.
Waiting, Pansy deliberated, is a heinous and torturous affair.
"I hate this," Millicent sat herself down on the couch. Their packing - not that there had been that much to do, especially since they had a rogue House Elf for help, was complete. "This waiting, not knowing. Pansy it must be killing you."
Millicent immediately threw a hand up over her mouth, her eyes wide in shock as though she couldn't quite believe her own words. "Pans, I'm sorry...that was really insensitive."
Pansy waved one hand nonchalantly. "It's fine," she said. "It is killing me, but you saying so won't make it kill me any more. I wish," she paused, wondering whether to utter the truth aloud. It sounded so juvenile in her mind, but it was all she had, and it was honest. "I wish we could have just run away."
"You and Neville?" Millicent asked gently.
"Me and all of us."
"It's okay to want to run away."
"Is it?" Pansy asked, unsure. It felt a wholly selfish want.
"To want to? Of course it is."
"I feel it might be a slight overreaction," Millicent's forehead was wrinkled as she and Pansy looked down at the erupting scene.
"It is NOT an overreaction!" Daphne panted. "Okay, how do Muggles do this?" she stopped, and simply stared at the large purple something she was currently attempting to ram a number of clothes into. The something, according to Daphne, was what Muggles used in replacement of a trunk. A suitcase she'd called it, though Pansy - and by the look on her face, Millicent also, couldn't fathom why Daphne wouldn't just use her trunk for the most pointless endeavor she was attempting, albeit so far unsuccessfully, to embark upon. Daphne's current plan involved packing said suitcase, finding her way to London, booking a room in a very expensive hotel, and getting a Muggle tattooist to ink a dolphin onto her lower back.
Her suitcase-related predicament was due to the fact that, for some unbeknownst reason, extension charms - detectable or otherwise, failed to work on them correctly.
"Perhaps we just didn't do the charm right," Millicent said, "they're pretty advanced magic, and we're only Fifth Years, I don't-"
"We're about to go into Sixth Year," Daphne snapped, her face pink and her expression furlorn.
Daphne pouted as she sank to the floor beside her purple suitcase. "I feel like I'll never get my dolphin."
Pansy raised her eyebrows and shifted her mouth into a single, horizontal line. "Probably a good thing, really."
Daphne looked genuinely offended. "How can you say that?!"
"How can you have a Daphne Drama this big, over Theo saying you look young?"
"That is not what this is about!"
"That is exactly what this is about," Pansy countered.
"Theodore's comments - no matter how wrong they are, and how much they were only said to justify him sleeping with Sadie Avery, have nothing to do with me going to London."
"It's okay to want to run away," said Millicent gently.
Daphne swallowed, and Pansy didn't miss the shift in the blonde's entire demeanor and suddenly she looked hopelessly and incredibly lost. Exchanging a brief glance with Millicent, Pansy gave a small shrug. Perhaps Daphne's breakup with Theo had affected her more than they'd realised. In the second it took to Daphne burst into tears, both Pansy and Millicent had dropped to their knees and wrapped her up in their arms.
"Is it really okay to want to run away?" Daphne asked through sobs.
"Of course it is, you can't run away, not really...but it's okay to want to."
"I wouldn't blame you guys," Pansy said, "if you didn't go back." Hours had passed, around three to be exact, though it felt like twenty three. She wanted the coin's temperature to change more than she currently wished for anything.
It was Blaise who answered first, in words determined yet gentle. "We're coming, all of us."
"You'll be seen as traitors, we'll all be seen as traitors," Pansy reasoned, "that's not a particularly enviable position."
Blaise shrugged. "We're already seen as traitors."
"You know what I mean." There was such a difference, Pansy knew, between being a traitor on the run and hidden, and being a traitor in plain sight. And they were switching from the former to the latter in the blink of an eye.
"If we're traitors," Theo said, his voice holding steady, "we're traitors together."
He raised the tin in the air, towards Blaise. "Bloody good, this!"
"Agreed," Blaise held out his own tin, and touched it to Theo's. Where there ought to have been a clink of glass, there was instead a rather unremarkable soft thud of metal on metal. "Want one, Draco?"
Draco was staring at the tins of beer with a look of horror. "Absolutely not."
"You're missing out, mate," Theo replied, enthusiastically taking another large sip.
"I'd rather drink piss than that cheap shit." Draco snapped.
"Fucking snob," Blaise said, much to Theo's amusement. "I'd take beer over your stupid whisky any day."
"Unbelievable."
"Girls?" Theo offered a further tin towards Pansy, which - much to Draco's clear disgust, she accepted, and then a further two, to Daphne and then Millicent.
"Traitors!" Draco hissed. "The lot of you!"
She knew it would, it was always going to - unless something horrible happened, of course, and this meant it hadn't...she hoped, but yet Pansy, in spite of the fact they had hated the waiting, still didn't feel in any way prepared when the coin she'd been grasping so hard there were deep grooves running around her palm, suddenly heated up.
It wasn't a heat hot enough to hurt, but it jarred her.
Pansy took a deep breath. "Guys?"
Four sets of expectant eyes snapped to meet hers.
Her fingers brushed over the galleon. "It's time."