OK So I am going to start this out by saying that Lou's first Pov is kinda trigger warning-y. Mention of attempted suicide, self harm, and other not so pleasant things so if you don't want to read that just skip over Lou's first section.

Lou's POV

I woke up back in my room, my real room. There were books stacked high enough to be alarming on the desk and a shirt on the floor and quotes and pictures plastered on the walls. I was home, I thought as I snuggled myself on top of the white comforter, my head sinking into the mountain of pillows. Then I sat up and realized, my head didn't hurt. I reached up to find no blood or pain. I touched my sided and arms and legs and face, but there was nothing other than soft skin.

Then came the pain. It was a pain in my chest that felt too heavy to carry. It was a sharp pain in my brain. I felt like screaming. I think I was screaming because Dean stormed through the door then. I was suddenly very thankful that I was wearing a white long sleeved, thin shirt and purple and white pj shorts. Although, that meant someone had put them on me. I pushed that thought aside as Dean pulled me to his chest. I could hear his heart hammering under his shirt.

"I can hear your heart beeping." I dig my nails into his chest slightly.

He laughed half heartedly at the wrong terms I had used since I was a kid. "Hey Sunshine, how ya feelin'?" He murmured against my hair. I smelled so familiar, like leather and gun powder and something very close to home.

I slowly pulled away from him, untangling myself from him. I looked up at him, at his hair that darkened over the years and the stubble on his face that never went away. His green eyes that looked like emeralds and candy all at the same time. He clenched his jaw ever so slightly and I knew he was thinking his way through this. "I just need to be left alone," I finally sighed. I was surprised at how hard my voice sounded in that moment. It was like the softness of the last few months was gone.

He got up instantly, moving far away from me. The distance made me feel cold. I shook the feeling away, or at least tried to. It wasn't like I had a crush or whatever on him. It wasn't like I have been pining after the man since I was old enough to understand what attraction was. I wasn't that hopeless.

"Right." He cleared his throat, "I get it, you're still shaken about it all." He was nodding his head as if he were trying to convince himself. He made to move but I stopped him.

"What happened to my injuries?"

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know Lou, one minute you looked like you weren't gonna make it another two minutes and then the next you were fine and healed. I guess Cas wamied you from a distance or something." I nodded but that answer didn't quite feel right. I laid my head down on the pillow. Life was never going to get easier. I didn't notice when Dean left the room or when the door closed.

I heard the door open and I looked to see Dean, wondering if maybe he had forgotten something. "Lou it's been four hours," he breathed. I looked up at him. Four hours? What was he talking about?

"What?"

"You've been lying here like that for four freaking hours." He moved quickly towards me, or I was moving in slow motion trying to sit up, I couldn't tell. "I get that it bites that this happened to you and Crowley is going to die for this, but you got to snap out of it."

I glared at him, the action draining me. "Snap out of this?" My tone was dangerous. "Crowley had me stripped naked while all his little demon friends watched and laughed." I remembered it vividly, but I refused to let my voice shake. "The one you killed, pushed me onto a table and strapped me down so tightly I thought my hands would actually fall off." I could see in his eyes he really didn't want me to continue. "I had this fear that after that, that if I lived and somehow got out, I wasn't going to be a virgin anymore." He tensed his jaw. "I was terrified that it would be stolen from me, like my memories were stolen. I was half expecting to die or go crazy or something because I was positive you weren't coming to save me." He wanted to interject. I saw him open his mouth to speak, but he opened the door for this and he was going to hear it. "Then he put screws in my head, told me that if he twisted enough, he could unlock my memories. Do you know what it's like to be awake and have someone slowly twist screws into your head? No of course not. Then he took out this curved knife and said that he was going to see if my insides were as pretty as my outsides. He carved into me and got off on my screams." I think tears were tracking their way down my cheeks.

"I didn't mean it like that Lou," Dean started softly but I cut him off.

"No you are worried that I'm going down the same path I was on when Bobby died. You're worried you're going to find me on the bathroom floor again, not breathing because I chugged a bottle of sleeping piles. What are you going to do Dean? Hide all the knives again? Tell me everything is going to be alright? Yell at me when you see that I found a razor blade and sliced it across my skin again?"

"How do you… Lou do you have your memories back?" Of course that is what he would get from that.

"Oh yeah Crowley did great work. I'm not even crazy. Well, no more than normal right? What did you say last time? That cutting myself was disgusting and childish? Yeah Dean I remember everything. This is nothing like Bobby. This is nothing like that, but if I do decide that I need that kind of release, I'll let you know beforehand so you can make me feel even worse." I think I was yelling.

Dean looked at me for a long time. "I'm sorry." That was all he said before he left the room. I thought about yelling or running after him or eating something or sleeping or showering or anything but I realized I was too drained to do any of that. I just laid my head back down on my pillow and didn't move. I didn't sleep or think or anything. I was just there and not there all at the same time.

Dean's POV

She was back. She had all her memories back and she wasn't nuts. She was back and she was sad. And Angry. Pissed actually, at me. I ran my hands through my hair.

I wasn't a complete moron, I knew that before she got her memories back I was a dick to her. She had every reason to be pissed, I got that. But, she thought that I… that we weren't gonna come and get her back. Then she thought that I thought she was disgusting because of something that I said to her ages ago. Something stupid that had no meaning except it did.

"Hey Dean." Sam almost surprised me when he appeared in the kitchen. "How is she?" Great question. How that fuck was I supposed to know.

"She's got her memories back." That was all I could manage.

"That's great!" Sam yelled. Then he looked at me. "That's great right?"

"Yeah sure. I mean she's depressed and pissed as all hell at me and just back to… I don't know man. I've never seen her like this." I ran a hand down my face.

Sam looked at me like I was an idiot. "What? You thought that getting all her memories back would make it all okay again? You thought that she would just bounce from being kidnapped and tortured? Come on man. You're not happy when she doesn't have her memories, you're not happy when she does. Make up your damn mind Dean."

He walked out of the kitchen and I was left there. Was I being too hard on her? I mean yeah of course I was happy she had her memories back. She was my Sunshine again. Well, actually she was more of a rain cloud now. Maybe that was the problem, back or not I hated when she was pissed off.

I picked up my jacket and headed towards the garage. I needed a drink, or a no-strings-attached kind of hook up, or both. I just needed something to take my mind off of… everything.

The only bar I knew of in a 20 mile radius of the bunker was the Rose Ranch, so that's where I ended up. The tall blonde was bartending again and flashed me a smile as I took a seat at the bar. I noticed that she was missing a tooth on her upper right side but it gave her a cute endearing kind of look, like when someone has a scar or a birthmark that just makes them striking and stand out.

"You ran out of here mighty quick last night," she drawled in an accent that I couldn't quite place. "Hope you didn't track down the guy who took Lou home." She smirked not knowing that was a nerve that shouldn't have been touched.

"Actually, that's exactly what I did." I gave her a tight smile.

She just rolled her eyes and put a hand on her hip. "Why in God's name would you do something like that? Our girl deserves to be happy, you…" she sighed trying to figure out how to word her next sentence. "You can't rule her life."

I was getting angry the opposite of what I wanted to I shut down the conversation. "How about you and me go somewhere and not talk about Lou. When do you get off gorgeous?"

She laughed. "Oh sugar you are not my cup of sweet tea. I prefer a more… feminine touch." It didn't take long for me to unravel those words. I just nodded.

"Well then can you get me a whiskey double." She just smiled and nodded and got me my drink. Before she could move on I downed the glass and glanced at her silently asking for another. She complied with a half hearted shrug. This one I drank slower, welcoming the slight burn. It wasn't long before a leggy brunette slid into the seat next to me. I gave her the kind of smile that works on most women and she gave me the kind of look I knew well. This was exactly what I needed.

"I'm Leeann," the brunette said in a slow sexy voice.

"Dean."

"Drinking alone?" She asked in the kind of way that let me know she was asking if I was with someone or not.

"Not anymore," I gave her a lazy smile and she laughed, calling the bartender over to order some fruity drink that reminded me of… no… I was not going to think about the blonde headed pain in my ass I left at home. The bartender gave me a look but didn't say anything. "So tell me Leeann, what's a girl like you doing in a bar like this?" And that's how it started.

We talked about nothing for at least an hour, making eyes at each other, her hand on my arm, my hand on her knee. She was beautiful. Her dress was tight and short. It showed off her impressive rack and those curves that I just wanted to hold onto. Lou never wore dresses like that. Son of a bitch, I wasn't supposed to be thinking about her.

I refocused on the woman in front of me in time to notice she was asking me to go back to her place. Finally. I agreed, telling her I'd meet her outside after I paid both of our tabs. She nodded, flashing me a toothy white smile. I turned to the bartender.

"You leaving?" She asked.

"Yeah," I answered fishing my wallet out of my back pocket. "What's your name by the way?" I realized it had been rude of me not to even know her name.

"It's Anna. Are you leaving with boobs for brains out there?" She glanced towards the door.

I glared at her. I didn't need to be judged. "What's it to ya?"

She just shrugged at this like the question didn't really matter. "Oh nothin', just wonderin' how Dora would feel about this."

"Dora?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Louise Theodora Taylor," she clarified. "I call her Dora because everyone calls her Lou."

I nodded. "She told you her full name?" She hated her full name, thought that Theodora was a horrible middle name.

Anna looked at me funny, like I had two heads or some shit. "Yeah. I asked her full name, she told me, easy."

"It's just, it took a while for her to tell me her middle name and it's just weird that…" she cut me off.

"Listen Dean, you seem sweet enough, and like you're almost a decent guy, but leave before I punch you in the face." I looked down at the bar that I had one hand firmly placed on. I was sure my face looked distorted with confusion because she went on. "Dora is good people, and I have grown to really like her." I nodded because anyone who knew Lou liked her, it was part of her charm. "But she comes in here all the time bitchin' about how if only she tried a little harder, Dean Winchester wouldn't hate her. Then I finally see her laugh, and not fake drunk girl laugh, but real laugh and you reck it by being a jealous ass." She fixed me with a look. "Get the fuck out of my bar, because I will tell you this now, there is not a person in here that will stop me from kicking your ass, and half these folks will help me if they knew who you were." I stood there stunned for a minute, then turned on my heels and left.

Leeann was leaning against the side of the building smoking. I wrinkled my nose slightly at this. I didn't like the smell of cigarettes but then again it would be a nice change considering no one in the bunker smoked.

She looked at me with hooded eyes. "You good to drive?" She clearly was not.

I pulled the keys out of my pocket and smile. "Yeah. Let's go Baby." I throw an arm over her shoulder and led her to the car. I opened her door because chicks loved that shit and she clumsily fell into the passenger's seat. I closed her door and moved to the driver's seat.

The drive was short and Leeann got really handsy during it to the point where I almost had to pull over. When we finally got to her place she unceremoniously climbed out of the car and led me towards her apartment.

An hour and a half later I was grabbing my clothes and quietly putting them on so that I didn't wake her. The sex was fine, pretty good actually. Maybe not the best ever but not everyone can do that one twist thing that Raina from that diner in Kentucky could do.

But I had to get out of there. This didn't work at all as a distraction. When Leeann smiled at me all I could think about was how Lou's smile was always laced with joy. When I touched Leeann's soft skin I wondered what Lou's felt like. Leeann didn't have the same smell as Lou. Leeann didn't sound like Lou, but all I could think of was the way the shorter blonde bounced around in shirts that didn't belong to her and talked to her food when she thought no one was listening and danced like no one could possibly judge her. When Leeann moaned, I wondered how Lou would sound if I were inside her.

I drove away from the apartment quickly, not wanting to see Leeann again anytime soon. It was only 12:30 so I headed back to the Rose Ranch for another drink. Anna was still at the bar, washing glasses and ignoring the guys at the end of the bar ogling her without shame. "Back so soon?" Quiet rage rang in her voice. She didn't need anymore trouble.

"Can I just get whiskey, leave the bottle." She nodded harshley and moved to get a glass and a bottle and walked away. I was sure that someone tried to talk to me at some point but I was in no mood to talk to anyone. Sooner than I would have wanted the bottle was empty and 2:00 rolled around and everyone was told to go home. Anna gave me a loaf of bread, told me to eat the whole thing while she called me a cab at the end of the night because I was in no shape to drive. I remembered crawling into the cab and slowly feeling more alert with each turn of the wheel as we made our way closer and closer to the bunker.

Lou's POV

I woke up around 2:30 in the morning at the sound of things falling and stomping through the hall. I instantly got out of bed to see what was making all the noise. I grabbed the gun that I remembered I kept in my desk drawer. I carefully walked outside of my room, the gun stretched out in front of me.

I lowered the gun and sighed seeing it was Dean, his head hung low, him swaying as he walked. Drunk. He always got like that when we fought. I walked back into my room knowing he probably wasn't aware that he had woken me up.

I put the gun back in its place in the desk. I wasn't like Sam and Dean, I didn't keep my gun or knives under my pillow. I turned to go back to bed to find Dean standing in the middle of the room not saying a word. "Dean?"

He looked at me finally, that dorky half grin plastered on his scruffy face. "Heya Sunshine," he slurred.

I rolled my eyes. "Let's get you to bed," I grumbled as I moved to place his arm over my shoulder so that I could lead him down the hall and into his own room.

"Ats oftley forward of ya." He leaned heavily on me seemingly unaware that we were actually walking or that he was putting nearly all of his body weight on me as I struggled to keep us upright.

"I really hope Baby is not in the garage because you are not okay to drive Captain." I was talking more to myself then to the man draped over me. He was about as useless as an oversized baby.

"Took a cab Sunshine…" There was a long pause and my breathing became more labored as I made our way down the hall towards his room. "I jus… I need air or booze or ta get laid." He finally said as we headed into his room. I tossed him on his bed unceremoniously and moved to lift his heavy as all hell legs onto the bed. "You… so much." I didn't even try to understand what he was saying.

I took off his boots and removed his gun from the back of his jeans, placing it under his pillow carefully. He rolled onto his stomach and I was pretty sure he was fully passed out. "Welcome home Dean. By the way you totally suck for doing this." I mumbled under my breath. He couldn't hear me and even if he could he wouldn't remember it in the morning anyway. He hadn't been this drunk in a long while. I felt bolder in this knowledge and chose that moment to give him a piece of my mind. "I have had a crush on you since I was 14 years old Dean Winchester, and it has brought me nothing but misery. You sleep your way through every town we go to. You stare at every piece of ass over the age of 18. Your longest relationship was with… well Lisa. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be me? To know that you might find me physically attractive but are discussed with almost everything else about me? It sucks. Like a lot." I felt tears prick at my eyes and my cheeks flushed with heat. Late night always made me more honest. "The real reason that I am still a freakin virgin is because I couldn't even think about anyone other than you for the longest time and then it felt like it would just never happen so I kinda gave up trying. No one wants to be someone's first." I was pacing now. "Not to mention that this life that I lead with you and Sammy doesn't really leave room for dating, and I want to date. Fancy meals, bowling, the whole nine fucking yards, but I can't go out and find a nice girl or guy because I can't drag someone into this shit box of a life.

"I know that none of this is your fault. I know that. But I really hate that you don't like me because I can't keep from liking you. The only reason I am saying any of this is because you are passed out and it's late and I am rambling and I don't fucking care anymore because two months ago I lost all my memories and two months ago you shut me out completely and now here I am with all those memories back and nothing has changed and I am depressed because guess what Captain, I like who I was without the memories and I don't want to stop being that girl but how can I still be her when you fucking hated her?

"I hate you Dean Winchester, in the kind of way that looks a lot like love, I hate you." Then I stormed out of his room, not even bothering to close the door behind me, and headed to my room. My eyes were puffy, my cheeks were damp, and my heart felt a whole lot lighter. Purge of emotion over, now I had room for the next 7 years of emotions to bottle up and never see the sun.

Dean's POV

Son of a bitch… I couldn't believe what Lou just said.

Thank you all for reading! I don't own Supernatural or any of the characters in the show, just Lou and my little AU that I am weaving through the story line. Anyway, hope you liked it and if you did leave a comment if you want because it makes me smile and tell your friends. If you don't like it don't be afraid to message me with what you think is not working, I'd love to hear you opinion. Love you all xoxoxo