Chapter 5

Her tears flowed as she stood under the scorching water coming from her shower head, scrubbing her skin until it was red and raw. It did nothing to sooth her aching heart. Nor did it help her feel clean. It seemed that nothing did, no matter how hard she tried. She still felt dirty somehow.

She also felt horrible, isolated from reality and utterly alone.

Inevitably it was time to turn of the water and get out of the shower. She could not stay in there forever, though it seemed tempting. She sighed deep and loudly while she grabbed a towel and began to dry herself off. She winced as the raw skin burned when the towel passed it. The pain seemed fitting to her. She felt that she deserved the pain. After all the pain she had caused. New tears slipped from her eyes as she thought once more of what she had done. All the lives that were lost because of her. The people she had killed. Unintentionally, sure, but they died by her hand nonetheless.

As she slipped on some sweatpants and a tank top, she listened for noises outside of her room She knew what was coming. Who would be coming. It was only a matter of time. He had not stopped coming since she had been brought here. He kept trying and she kept pushing him away. Knowing that it hurt him, but she just could not let him in. At least not yet. She could not make him understand, when it all still dazzled her. How could she explain her feelings if they eluded her still.

Dropping back on the bed, that stood in the middle of the back wall, she resigned to waiting, flicking through channels on the TV, not really seeing anything. She passed the time.

About thirty minutes later, she heard footsteps coming closer shortly before there was a knock on the door. Dropping the remote from her hand, she pulled herself up against the headboard and pulled her knees to her chest, not letting the person on the other side of the door know that she had heard him. She eyed the door suspiciously, even thought she knew he would not enter without her permission.

"Sophia, it's me," his voice started softly, "Can I come in? Please?" Steve pleaded with her. She could not ignore the pleading tone in his voice and it broke her heart. She had heard it all week and it did not get easier to hear. She sighed once more as a single tear fell from her eye onto her knee. She longed for his arms around her, telling her everything would be all right. But she knew, he could not fix this. Everything would most certainly not be okay.

"Okay," she replied quietly, half-hoping he would not hear her. Of course he did, though. He had been hoping for this response all week. She imagined his ear pressed against the door as he had waited for her reply. Just as she had almost seen him sit down outside her door the days before. His back leaning against the door as he pleaded with her. Or when he just talked to her. Those times she had heard the tears in his voice and he struggled to keep forming words. It had taken all she had not to open the door then.

Steve opened the door calmly and walked in. He looked miserable. His eyes sunken into his face, lined by deep dark circles. His shoulders were hunched and his hair and clothes were dishevelled. She wondered if he had gotten any sleep at all the past week. Probably not. He sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping some distance between them. He looked at her for a split second, before he looked down at the floor, not speaking right away.

"Steve," Sophia said softly, as she tried to find his line of sight. He looked up and into her eyes. The pain and guilt evident in his eyes took her breath away. She gasped as she saw him and her resolve to keep her distance was quickly shot. She knew she should not have let him in. But she had. And now she found herself inching forward and placing her right hand on his left cheek.

"Steve," she said more urgent this time and he just leaned into her hand, as tears fell from his eyes.

"I am SO sorry" he whispered and Sophia started crying too.

"This isn't on you!" she said as she wrapped her arms around him in a desperate hug.

"I should have been able to protect you," Steve as he returned the hug with an equal amount of desperation. She climbed on his lap, not breaking the hug. Trying to get as close to him as possible. To hold him close. To comfort him and take away his guilt. He did not deserve to have that way on him.

"No one could have saved me," she said and pulled back enough to look him into the eyes, "I mean it," She pressed making sure he saw the truth to her words in her eyes, "They had this planned to meticulously and neither of us had a clue".

"How are you feeling," Steve then asked, dropping the subject for the time being. He knew it was selfish to linger on his guilt as opposed to her immense struggle.

"I.." Sophia began, pulling back from the hug completely, and getting of his lap. She didn't move further away though as she wrapped her arms around herself. She didn't know what to say.

She began to fidget with her finger nails. Horrible, was all that came to mind. However, she did not want to pile that unto his already massive amount of guilt. She looked down at her clean hands and wondered if the blood she felt would ever go away.

'I..." Sophia began again, while she kept her gaze down on her hands. Steve placed his own hands on top of them and she grasped onto them. She started crying again. Sophia wondered if there was a limit to the amount of tears a person had. If so, she was sure to never cry a single tear again after this. She would have surely hit her quota.

"I don't know how to live with this" she said with a voice chocked with grief, "I have so much blood on my hands now and I just...how do I get past that?" she said and it was now his turn to pull her into a hug.

Steve tried his best to comfort her. He didn't know what to say to ease her pain. He knew it wasn't truly on her hands. And he had told her so, several times. As had others. It was just not sinking in with her. And he understood why.

"This is not your fault Sophia," he began, "and I will do everything in my power to help you through this. I promise," he whispered into her ear and he felt her arms squeeze tighter around him.

"I love you" Steve said and kissed her head.

"I love you too" she replied as she pulled back to allow his kisses to travel to her face.

He kissed her cheeks, her forehead, her nose and finally her mouth, while he kept repeating just how much he loved her.

The desperation to be close to one another overcame them and the kisses turned into much more as she let herself fall back onto the bed, pulling him with her.

Their problems were far from being solved and they both knew this. But right now they just wanted to be close to each other, to feel the other. To hold each other and find some form of comfort.

Sophia knew she had lots to work through before she could move forward. However, she knew she wanted to move forward with her captain. She knew she wanted him, needed him, craved him.

There was not one molecule in her body that wanted or even could do this without him.

He still made her feel safe and loved, even after everything that had happened.

Steve Rogers loved her and she loved him more than anything. And for now that was enough.